Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The other mum on the ward WWYD

294 replies

Lwrenagain · 18/08/2023 02:35

I've just given birth to my beautiful little DD but she's been quite unwell and I'm only able to hold her during her feeds as she needs the light therapy for jaundice.
I'm naturally devastated, incredibly grateful I'm next to her and can hold her, bit we've not really had much time with cuddles etc yet.
Anyway, because of this, even though I've had a section, I'm well rested.
I really don't do anything but look at my baby. Like now, I could be asleep, but I'm just unable to.

Anyway, there's a mum here who's also had a section and her wee DS is quite unsettled and she sounds for lack of better description, fucking shattered.

I think they're asleep now but the poor woman hasn't had a minute to rest, let alone sleep. Bless her baba, he's a half an hour and wide awake lad!

I don't want to be weird or make her uncomfortable at all, but I'd like her to know if she wants a few hours kip I'd happily mind her wee fella for her, he's bottle fed so she could realistically get a bit of sleep. I feel awful for her and I'd love to help.

Would I seem like a creepy weirdo trying to steal her baby or would it be one of those "it takes a village" things and she'd be happy for the chance of sleep?

I don't want to make her feel awkward or anything, but I'd like her to know if she needs some rest, I'm literally a curtain away.

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 08:56

ForestGoblin · 18/08/2023 08:28

If you're a patient in need of rest and unemcumbered toilet visits, you should not be "looking after your infant" at all times.

Show quote history

And what do you think will happen at home? If you aren’t able to look after infant at all times… nurse fairy arrive?

BusinessClass · 18/08/2023 09:08

glad your little one is doing well op 😊

25 years ago when I had my last we all looked out for each others babies - so we could go out for a fag. True!!! I hadn't smoked throughout my pregnancy before you start 😂

dontletsaskforthemoon · 18/08/2023 09:13

Autumnisnearlyhere · 18/08/2023 06:11

To all those posters saying a nurse will look after your baby if they don’t sleep, in my case I found this very untrue. I had a 24 hour labour and was in agony, I was put on a post op ward with my newborn screaming, after many complaints from other patients, the nurse took him for an hour then returned and said “he obviously wants his mum” and handed him back to me. I was then told not to get out of bed due to my condition but no one came when called so I had to pick him up. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours at that point and was a wreck. My phone has died (no charger) the dad had gone home and I felt so totally alone in this world. If someone had offered to try and comfort him I would have accepted. Eventually I was moved to the post natal ward but told to “stop crying as the baby will pick up on it” . I then went on to develop post natal depression, no one would help or comfort either of us. Honestly the worst time in my life, in my experience kindness that like that is very rare.

I could have written that. I had to ask a nurse to take my DS to the nursery for the night so I could sleep (awake for 48 hours at that point because he just never slept from the second he was born). I told them to bottle feed him if needed. She trundled him in 2 hours later, he was screaming his head off, left the cot next to me as I woke up from deep sleep saying 'he needs his mum' and walked off!!! No help whatsoever. At that moment in time, I just grabbed him and put him into bed with me so that the other new mums wouldn't get pissed off but I cried and another mum called out 'it does get better love'.

I would have taken your offer straight away OP!

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 09:22

@SunWorshipping

Things must have changed I had my babies between 2005 and 2012 and they wouldn't even help when I was paralysed from the waist down after epidural after emergency episiotomy and forceps.
You were pretty much left to it. The only time someone came to me was to top up my water and do checks on the baby.

CantFindTheBeat · 18/08/2023 09:22

Autumnisnearlyhere · 18/08/2023 06:11

To all those posters saying a nurse will look after your baby if they don’t sleep, in my case I found this very untrue. I had a 24 hour labour and was in agony, I was put on a post op ward with my newborn screaming, after many complaints from other patients, the nurse took him for an hour then returned and said “he obviously wants his mum” and handed him back to me. I was then told not to get out of bed due to my condition but no one came when called so I had to pick him up. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours at that point and was a wreck. My phone has died (no charger) the dad had gone home and I felt so totally alone in this world. If someone had offered to try and comfort him I would have accepted. Eventually I was moved to the post natal ward but told to “stop crying as the baby will pick up on it” . I then went on to develop post natal depression, no one would help or comfort either of us. Honestly the worst time in my life, in my experience kindness that like that is very rare.

@Autumnisnearlyhere

I'm so sorry that happened to you. The standard of post-natal care, in my experience, is genuinely traumatising and I'm not surprised that for you, depression was a result.

Pollyanna type responses from posters like @CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 who have no experience at all yet asset ridiculous assumptions don't help.

"why are you there if there's no medical need', FGS - what a bloody ridiculous, privileged question, @CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 #

There IS a medical need. there's just NO MEDICAL CARE.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/08/2023 09:22

@Lwrenagain you're a kind woman, and where were you when I was in your hospital neighbour's position?! I would've bitten your hand off. Regardless of whether she takes up your offer, she will be touched at your kindness. Shining like a good deed in a naughty world. Congratulations btw Flowers

Spywoman · 18/08/2023 09:22

ForestGoblin · 18/08/2023 07:34

Why won't nurses help in this scenario? On what other hospital ward would it be acceptable to torture a patient with sleep deprivation? You should tell them to take him away to a nursery area.

Some of them are absolutely horrible. And no they're not all busy all the time. I know with my first they didn't help at all at night and when I went to the loo they were all chatting at the desk. They were chatting for ages because I could hear them from my room. One of them actually shouted at me for getting post partum blood on the sheets when I was trying to change him for the first time. Just vile.

With my second, a wonderful midwife just took him for a couple of hours while I had a blissful sleep. Some people are just made for the job and others shouldn't be anywhere near it.

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 09:26

DobbyTheHouseElk · 18/08/2023 08:22

That’s such a kind offer. The woman in the bed next to me complained about my baby screaming all night. I was mortified when I heard her asking WTF was wrong with my baby.

Very traumatic delivery and my poor baby had a swollen head and bruised eyes. I couldn’t stop her from screaming, she was in so much pain.

Sorry to hear that. I went through the same with my babies. The other mums were so rude to me. I kept my curtains closed and just cried the entire time. The worst part is their beds were surrounded by balloons and cards and family all rating round for them and I had none of that.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:26

@JenWillsiam well ideally, by the time you are home you're recovered enough to actually be able to stand/function. You might also have a partner or family to help you, especially in the night , not being stuck in a bed unable to move while your baby cries because they need a nappy change and you can't get to her. And you don't have to on top of all the pain and all the other issues try to shuffle horizontally alongside the bed, hold onto things to get upright then try to pick up the baby and bring her back,praying you don't fall or drop her and then just collapse in bed and keep her in with you because there's no way you're doing all that again even if you had the strength. That's the difference with being at home.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 18/08/2023 09:29

@Spywoman unfortunately that was my experience too. Some really nasty nurses when I had DD. Some good obviously. But the unkind ones...did they set off unkind, or become like that over time? YY to talking together, and then implying they are rushed off their feet. I've just seen you chatting shiz with your mates! Angry

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 09:29

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:26

@JenWillsiam well ideally, by the time you are home you're recovered enough to actually be able to stand/function. You might also have a partner or family to help you, especially in the night , not being stuck in a bed unable to move while your baby cries because they need a nappy change and you can't get to her. And you don't have to on top of all the pain and all the other issues try to shuffle horizontally alongside the bed, hold onto things to get upright then try to pick up the baby and bring her back,praying you don't fall or drop her and then just collapse in bed and keep her in with you because there's no way you're doing all that again even if you had the strength. That's the difference with being at home.

But they discharge you the next day and sometimes the same day if you give birth in the morning.

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:31

I had a nearly 10lb baby by EMCS, in those days dads weren't allowed on the wards as much as now and they were short staffed (Christmas Day baby) and I was struggling to lift baby. A lovely lady in the bed opposite would get out of bed if she heard my little one crying and pick her up and give her to me. She was soon discharged as fit and well but that kindness still makes me feel grateful 30 years later. I'm sure she has forgotten it long ago but when you are in pain and struggling it means such a lot.

Lovely news that your little one is OK now.

watermeloncougar · 18/08/2023 09:31

Kind though your intentions are, I can't imagine any hospital would allow another patient to take care of someone's newborn baby. Imagine if something went wrong, the baby choked while bottle feeding.... it's too much of a risk for the hospital and not fair on the staff. Even though they're probably rushed off their feet, it would potentially be more of a headache to have to deal with someone wanting to look after another woman's child.

Also remembering how I felt, there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd have agreed to let another mother do it with my babies

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 09:31

@ForestGoblin

There are no nursery areas and no they don't just take your baby away on request. Once you give birth that's it, they're yours to look after regardless of what condition you're in.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:40

@ForestGoblin nurses stations are not suitable settings for infants and hospitals don’t have nurseries anymore. As others have said once you have had it’s yours to care for.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus they aren’t caring for babies in hospitals. It’s your responsibility unless medical needs mean it needs extra care or you do. That’s the threshold.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:40

@fullbloom87 for a csection is one or two days. More if things aren't well. Same for a vaginal birth. DD needed 3 days to recover and be given the all clear,I needed 2 with a vaginal birth. Hell my catheter stayed in for a day. No one was sending us home in that state.

Dontwakeme · 18/08/2023 09:46

Congratulations Op and glad you’re getting cuddles now.
very surprised at the amount of people saying nurses will take baby etc, in my experience this was far from the truth. First babyEmergency c section and I was in bad way after, was hard enough to get a nurse at times to help me lift baby to me for feed- at one point I remember asking a mum beside me who hadn’t had a section and was more mobile if she could help me lift baby( this was when I still couldn’t feel my legs so couldn’t get out of bed!)
Second baby I had big complications, section and then emergency surgery a few hrs later and again unless my husband was there no one helped- buzzer took ages for requesting medication etc. at one point another woman walked to the nurses station for me as there was enough blood dripping from me and off my bed and buzzes went unanswered. Obviously short staffed/ resources etc. in my case was hard to get basic medical care let alone someone to hold them baby. So I say defo ask if possible, or anyone in similar situation or make the nurses aware on her behalf! Those first few days are so tough and lots of support needed!

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:47

I had my first in the 70s and our babies were put in the nursery overnight. I was in for 7 days and it was torture, you could hear the babies crying but you weren't allowed to go to them (we were all such rule followers in those days) so imagine lying in bed hearing your baby screaming and you can't comfort them. You kept your baby with you the night before you were discharged.

I was passing the nursery one night on my way to the bathroom and I could see the student midwife crying so I broke the rules and went into the nursery. She had 26 babies, she said it was fine when the first one woke for a feed (no support for breastfeeding back then, they went in the nursery and had a bottle) but by the time she had a dozen or more wanting their feed she was overwhelmed.

My memories of babies in the nursery isn't very positive but it might have been different in other hospitals.

CoolCalmCollected · 18/08/2023 09:50

OP @Lwrenagain Congratulations on your new baby :)

Solidarity with @Autumnisnearlyhere @VibrantGreen @CantFindTheBeat and @dontletsaskforthemoon . I sympathise with you all, having experienced very similar with my first.
Seems obvious that if you are treated like crap (especially by those in the "caring" professions) in that very vulnerable time post partum, you may very likely end up feeling crap.
It took me a very long time to feel less upset and angry about my treatment on the post natal ward. My oldest is now almost 9 and whenever someone tells a less than ideal birth story, it takes me straight back to that awful time. Hope you're all doing better now Flowers

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:50

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:40

@ForestGoblin nurses stations are not suitable settings for infants and hospitals don’t have nurseries anymore. As others have said once you have had it’s yours to care for.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus they aren’t caring for babies in hospitals. It’s your responsibility unless medical needs mean it needs extra care or you do. That’s the threshold.

If you have just woken up from a GA for an EMCS you aren't fit to look after the baby. I thought it was hilarious when I had a hysterectomy and it was all about not lifting anything heavier than a tea cup, same abdominal cut for CS and I was expected to be hopping in an out of bed and lifting a 10lb baby. They wouldn't even let me walk to the bathroom by myself after the hysterectomy.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:52

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:40

@fullbloom87 for a csection is one or two days. More if things aren't well. Same for a vaginal birth. DD needed 3 days to recover and be given the all clear,I needed 2 with a vaginal birth. Hell my catheter stayed in for a day. No one was sending us home in that state.

You can go home immediately after vaginal delivery. If you are at home you don’t even need to go in.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:53

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:50

If you have just woken up from a GA for an EMCS you aren't fit to look after the baby. I thought it was hilarious when I had a hysterectomy and it was all about not lifting anything heavier than a tea cup, same abdominal cut for CS and I was expected to be hopping in an out of bed and lifting a 10lb baby. They wouldn't even let me walk to the bathroom by myself after the hysterectomy.

Show quote history

I have said several times if medically fit.

That said I had EMCS and a broken leg and took care of baby as soon as I was wheeled out of surgery with him on my chest.

CantFindTheBeat · 18/08/2023 09:54

Thank you, @CoolCalmCollected , I'm sorry there are so many of us who've been mistreated or neglected by post-natal services.

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:55

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 09:29

But they discharge you the next day and sometimes the same day if you give birth in the morning.

Show quote history

Do they discharge you the same day if you have no support at home, husband/partner/mum/sister? Would they even let you leave by yourself the same day or would someone need to be with you?

I'm shocked at the idea of some poor young woman being kicked out of the hospital with a baby a few hours old to go home without any support. It is barbaric but if she is going home with someone to help her it is probably much easier for her than being on a postnatal ward.

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:57

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:53

I have said several times if medically fit.

That said I had EMCS and a broken leg and took care of baby as soon as I was wheeled out of surgery with him on my chest.

Show quote history

I take it you didn't have a GA then, I wasn't even conscious when I was wheeled out of theatre. You might think it is great that you got no help, I think it is a terrible indictment of post natal care.