Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The other mum on the ward WWYD

294 replies

Lwrenagain · 18/08/2023 02:35

I've just given birth to my beautiful little DD but she's been quite unwell and I'm only able to hold her during her feeds as she needs the light therapy for jaundice.
I'm naturally devastated, incredibly grateful I'm next to her and can hold her, bit we've not really had much time with cuddles etc yet.
Anyway, because of this, even though I've had a section, I'm well rested.
I really don't do anything but look at my baby. Like now, I could be asleep, but I'm just unable to.

Anyway, there's a mum here who's also had a section and her wee DS is quite unsettled and she sounds for lack of better description, fucking shattered.

I think they're asleep now but the poor woman hasn't had a minute to rest, let alone sleep. Bless her baba, he's a half an hour and wide awake lad!

I don't want to be weird or make her uncomfortable at all, but I'd like her to know if she wants a few hours kip I'd happily mind her wee fella for her, he's bottle fed so she could realistically get a bit of sleep. I feel awful for her and I'd love to help.

Would I seem like a creepy weirdo trying to steal her baby or would it be one of those "it takes a village" things and she'd be happy for the chance of sleep?

I don't want to make her feel awkward or anything, but I'd like her to know if she needs some rest, I'm literally a curtain away.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:57

@JenWillsiam I meant if things aren't right you can also be in for a few days for a vaginal birth too. Should've been clearer.

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:59

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:52

You can go home immediately after vaginal delivery. If you are at home you don’t even need to go in.

Show quote history

I had a home delivery, midwife stayed for hours, student midwife the same, my GP came in to stitch me. My husband was there to help, my mother was making food and tea and looking after my toddler. Far more help and support than on a post natal ward.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:59

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 09:55

Do they discharge you the same day if you have no support at home, husband/partner/mum/sister? Would they even let you leave by yourself the same day or would someone need to be with you?

I'm shocked at the idea of some poor young woman being kicked out of the hospital with a baby a few hours old to go home without any support. It is barbaric but if she is going home with someone to help her it is probably much easier for her than being on a postnatal ward.

Show quote history

Nothing. You are responsible for your child.

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:01

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 09:59

Nothing. You are responsible for your child.

Show quote history

Nothing? Nothing what?

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:03

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:01

Nothing? Nothing what?

Show quote history

No support. Why would there be? You can contact health visitor for specific issues but caring for the child. It falls on the parents. As it should.

JusthereforXmas · 18/08/2023 10:04

While you sound like you have nice intentions that is the nurses job and they should be helping with that.

You are not a professional and also in recovery and should not take on care of someone else's child.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 18/08/2023 10:04

I’ve never heard of a nursery or staff taking the baby whilst you sleep, surely there’s no time for that?

I had my baby 16 years ago and even then there was no help available because they were all too busy, which I thought was completely understandable.

I was a teen with no visitors and a baby who didn’t sleep and so for 3 days in the hospital I just slept for 10/20mins at a time.

Obviously I didn’t have to do much and my food was cooked for me etc so the difficulties started when I got home but I would have loved to have had an hour or 2 sleep on that first day or just able to have a bath/shower whilst someone looked after my baby, even just to help get over the trauma of the birth which was very difficult.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/08/2023 10:10

Autumnisnearlyhere · 18/08/2023 06:11

To all those posters saying a nurse will look after your baby if they don’t sleep, in my case I found this very untrue. I had a 24 hour labour and was in agony, I was put on a post op ward with my newborn screaming, after many complaints from other patients, the nurse took him for an hour then returned and said “he obviously wants his mum” and handed him back to me. I was then told not to get out of bed due to my condition but no one came when called so I had to pick him up. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours at that point and was a wreck. My phone has died (no charger) the dad had gone home and I felt so totally alone in this world. If someone had offered to try and comfort him I would have accepted. Eventually I was moved to the post natal ward but told to “stop crying as the baby will pick up on it” . I then went on to develop post natal depression, no one would help or comfort either of us. Honestly the worst time in my life, in my experience kindness that like that is very rare.

I am so sorry you went through this. Hug

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:10

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:03

No support. Why would there be? You can contact health visitor for specific issues but caring for the child. It falls on the parents. As it should.

Show quote history

Well you've put parents, plural, so presumably you realise that the woman should be getting some support at the very least from her partner.

Talk about a race to the bottom, give birth, no support with baby even if you are unconscious and then out the same day with no one to give you any help. You realise that throughout history that is not the norm? Women in the family and/or the village would be visiting and helping a woman who has just given birth but in the 21st century we suddenly don't need anything. No wonder women get PND.

Porageeater · 18/08/2023 10:12

I struggled on the ward at times. Another couple helped me a bit and I was grateful for it.

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 10:13

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 09:40

@fullbloom87 for a csection is one or two days. More if things aren't well. Same for a vaginal birth. DD needed 3 days to recover and be given the all clear,I needed 2 with a vaginal birth. Hell my catheter stayed in for a day. No one was sending us home in that state.

I was always discharged 24 hours later, no c section but I had stitches and catheter after epidural for my 2nd. The midwife comes to your house the next day and checks you over and to be honest I felt the aftercare was better at home then in the ward where you're ignored.

Seagullchippy · 18/08/2023 10:13

Autumnisnearlyhere · 18/08/2023 06:11

To all those posters saying a nurse will look after your baby if they don’t sleep, in my case I found this very untrue. I had a 24 hour labour and was in agony, I was put on a post op ward with my newborn screaming, after many complaints from other patients, the nurse took him for an hour then returned and said “he obviously wants his mum” and handed him back to me. I was then told not to get out of bed due to my condition but no one came when called so I had to pick him up. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours at that point and was a wreck. My phone has died (no charger) the dad had gone home and I felt so totally alone in this world. If someone had offered to try and comfort him I would have accepted. Eventually I was moved to the post natal ward but told to “stop crying as the baby will pick up on it” . I then went on to develop post natal depression, no one would help or comfort either of us. Honestly the worst time in my life, in my experience kindness that like that is very rare.

Yes, there's no way on earth a nurse would have been helpful, kind or considerate on the ward I was on. My baby cried unless I was holding him, didn't sleep, and I was in too much pain after c-section, couldn't lift him out of or place him back in the cot. I was awake for three nights and days (as well as two nights during the birth). The nurses had to lift my baby and hand him to me (when I pressed the button to call them for help). One told me angrily that I was 'starving my baby' when I asked her to put him back in the cot for me. I was permanently terrified I would drop him as I was too tired and in too much pain to sit up. There was no respite or support on the maternity ward!

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:14

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:10

Well you've put parents, plural, so presumably you realise that the woman should be getting some support at the very least from her partner.

Talk about a race to the bottom, give birth, no support with baby even if you are unconscious and then out the same day with no one to give you any help. You realise that throughout history that is not the norm? Women in the family and/or the village would be visiting and helping a woman who has just given birth but in the 21st century we suddenly don't need anything. No wonder women get PND.

Show quote history

She should yes but even if she’s not it’s still her responsibility. Are you seriously suggesting a system where the state provides a system of support? If a woman has chosen to have a baby knowing she has no support at all that becomes a state issue?
come off it. Social services can get involved but no one wants that.

fullbloom87 · 18/08/2023 10:15

@Iwasafool I have no idea but they didn't ask me what support I had at home so who knows. Although my last baby was 10 years ago, so perhaps things have changed since mental health etc is so focused on these days.

Vault687 · 18/08/2023 10:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Greenqueen40 · 18/08/2023 10:16

There is no way in hell I would have let a stranger look after my newborn baby, I didn't even like my family holding him for the first week or so! Hormones I suppose, soon settled down.

Seagullchippy · 18/08/2023 10:16

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:03

No support. Why would there be? You can contact health visitor for specific issues but caring for the child. It falls on the parents. As it should.

Show quote history

Because it's important that we're shown how to hold, feed, look after a new baby and it's essential we have enough kindness, support and sleep to function, particularly after trauma.

JusthereforXmas · 18/08/2023 10:20

People saying you can go home instantly... not true.

YOU can go home, the hospital can refuse to discharge the baby though. They can do this for lots of reasons from medical concerns to 'safety' concerns.

There was a woman in the bed opposit me when I had my middle child who seemed to be in for that. She was in before we got there and still there when we left.

I was in for a week and not once in that week did she ever interact with her baby and regularly just wandered off and left them for hours at a time but her family kept bring her back. It was as if the baby didn't exist, she actively ignored them. Nurses said time and time again that she couldn't just keep walking off without the baby or telling anyone but she just ignored them too.

Her family did visit daily (although no men ever did so I'm assuming possibly no father on scene) and would hold the baby but she would just talk to whoever wasn't holding the baby and ignore the other. Clearly they weren't going to discharge the baby to her (lack of) care.

I wonder what will eventually happens in a case like that because it seemed very clear this woman mental state was not inline with having a baby yet surely she can't stay like that indefinitely. I don't think she is suddenly going for spawn a miraculous bond, wonder if her family will end up with the baby and possibly ongoing support to integrate her slowly.

They pulled this sort of shit with my oldest (see above where no matter what I did they spun it as if I was wrong... it was blatant ageism which they even admitted at points) but they straight up told me I could leave but my DS couldn't and if I left he would be classified 'abandoned' and given to social services. In my case I did nothing wrong and the had to issue a retraction on many of my notes that where prove to be a group of the nurses lying. Still never got a proper apology though (not that that would undo the panic attacks and anxiety they caused).

whybotheratall · 18/08/2023 10:21

It will be looking a bit different but if you have good intentions then ?

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:25

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:14

She should yes but even if she’s not it’s still her responsibility. Are you seriously suggesting a system where the state provides a system of support? If a woman has chosen to have a baby knowing she has no support at all that becomes a state issue?
come off it. Social services can get involved but no one wants that.

Show quote history

I'm seriously suggesting that while a woman is in hospital she gets care. I'm also suggesting that discharging a woman on the day she gives birth if she has no support at home is negligence. I never suggested the state provide a system of support just that she is cared for in hospital and not discharged until it is safe to do so.

dontletsaskforthemoon · 18/08/2023 10:26

thankyou @CoolCalmCollected I just feel so sad when I think back to the first 12 months of having my 1st baby, I still shed tears over it so I'm not sure I have fully recovered. It was 21 years ago. 😥I guess I never will now.

FlamingoQueen · 18/08/2023 10:26

Congratulations and an awesome update! Flowers

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:28

JusthereforXmas · 18/08/2023 10:20

People saying you can go home instantly... not true.

YOU can go home, the hospital can refuse to discharge the baby though. They can do this for lots of reasons from medical concerns to 'safety' concerns.

There was a woman in the bed opposit me when I had my middle child who seemed to be in for that. She was in before we got there and still there when we left.

I was in for a week and not once in that week did she ever interact with her baby and regularly just wandered off and left them for hours at a time but her family kept bring her back. It was as if the baby didn't exist, she actively ignored them. Nurses said time and time again that she couldn't just keep walking off without the baby or telling anyone but she just ignored them too.

Her family did visit daily (although no men ever did so I'm assuming possibly no father on scene) and would hold the baby but she would just talk to whoever wasn't holding the baby and ignore the other. Clearly they weren't going to discharge the baby to her (lack of) care.

I wonder what will eventually happens in a case like that because it seemed very clear this woman mental state was not inline with having a baby yet surely she can't stay like that indefinitely. I don't think she is suddenly going for spawn a miraculous bond, wonder if her family will end up with the baby and possibly ongoing support to integrate her slowly.

They pulled this sort of shit with my oldest (see above where no matter what I did they spun it as if I was wrong... it was blatant ageism which they even admitted at points) but they straight up told me I could leave but my DS couldn't and if I left he would be classified 'abandoned' and given to social services. In my case I did nothing wrong and the had to issue a retraction on many of my notes that where prove to be a group of the nurses lying. Still never got a proper apology though (not that that would undo the panic attacks and anxiety they caused).

That poor baby. At least it was good that the family were supportive. When I had my last baby there was a woman the ward who wouldn't pick her baby up. She had two daughters and said her husband had forced her to try again for a boy, she got the boy but didn't want him. She just used to sit and cry.

dontletsaskforthemoon · 18/08/2023 10:29

your story resonates with me @Seagullchippy I'm so sorry you had to deal with that too.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 10:29

Iwasafool · 18/08/2023 10:25

I'm seriously suggesting that while a woman is in hospital she gets care. I'm also suggesting that discharging a woman on the day she gives birth if she has no support at home is negligence. I never suggested the state provide a system of support just that she is cared for in hospital and not discharged until it is safe to do so.

Show quote history

No one has said women don’t get support. What they have said is if you’re medically well enough to care for baby you’re expected to. If you’re medically well enough to care for baby you’re discharged. If you aren’t well enough then you aren’t discharged. If there are concerns re ability to care for child that aren’t medical then social services is contacted.