Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The other mum on the ward WWYD

294 replies

Lwrenagain · 18/08/2023 02:35

I've just given birth to my beautiful little DD but she's been quite unwell and I'm only able to hold her during her feeds as she needs the light therapy for jaundice.
I'm naturally devastated, incredibly grateful I'm next to her and can hold her, bit we've not really had much time with cuddles etc yet.
Anyway, because of this, even though I've had a section, I'm well rested.
I really don't do anything but look at my baby. Like now, I could be asleep, but I'm just unable to.

Anyway, there's a mum here who's also had a section and her wee DS is quite unsettled and she sounds for lack of better description, fucking shattered.

I think they're asleep now but the poor woman hasn't had a minute to rest, let alone sleep. Bless her baba, he's a half an hour and wide awake lad!

I don't want to be weird or make her uncomfortable at all, but I'd like her to know if she wants a few hours kip I'd happily mind her wee fella for her, he's bottle fed so she could realistically get a bit of sleep. I feel awful for her and I'd love to help.

Would I seem like a creepy weirdo trying to steal her baby or would it be one of those "it takes a village" things and she'd be happy for the chance of sleep?

I don't want to make her feel awkward or anything, but I'd like her to know if she needs some rest, I'm literally a curtain away.

OP posts:
LovelyLilies · 18/08/2023 23:10

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 23:07

Happy to stick with often. Are you suggesting it doesn’t happen?

Show quote history

No, I have acknowledged it does sometimes happen in a pp. I was merely pointing out you did indeed say often when you tried to backtrack and say you didn’t.

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 23:13

LovelyLilies · 18/08/2023 22:55

You did say often. You posted “infants are often discharged without their mothers.”

Here’s you figure. 1/500. I’m calling that often. An entirely subjective word.

https://www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/media/eoxfoyl5/critically-ill-mother_mar21.pdf

What exactly are you disagreeing with me on? That it happens? What often means?

https://www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/media/eoxfoyl5/critically-ill-mother_mar21.pdf

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 23:15

LovelyLilies · 18/08/2023 22:55

You did say often. You posted “infants are often discharged without their mothers.”

Oh god I’ve just realised it’s you again who just wants to pick holes in speedy responses. This back and forth is over. Bye.

LovelyLilies · 18/08/2023 23:16

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 23:13

Here’s you figure. 1/500. I’m calling that often. An entirely subjective word.

https://www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/media/eoxfoyl5/critically-ill-mother_mar21.pdf

What exactly are you disagreeing with me on? That it happens? What often means?

Show quote history

Again, I have acknowledged it happens more than once. Can you please quote where exactly I have disagreed with the use of the word often or where I have said it doesn’t happen? I think you will struggle because I haven’t. I merely pointed out you did post often when you claimed you didn’t.

LovelyLilies · 18/08/2023 23:17

If you don’t like people posting what you wrote when you later say you didn’t perhaps you either shouldn’t post it or shouldn’t deny posting it.

1daughterand3sons · 18/08/2023 23:41

I had 4 babies in 2 different hospitals none had a nursery and at both hospitals the midwife's never helped with the babies.
When I had my last baby I was so happy when I was told that birthing partner could stay for the duration I was in hospital this was the best birth experience I was able to sleep when needed while birthing partner watched the baby. My friend was my birthing partner but most women had their husbands stay with them in the bays.

Butterflytown · 18/08/2023 23:44

I don’t think this is the case, at least not in my experience. When I had my DC a few years ago they wouldn’t even watch her for 5 minutes so I could go to the toilet or have a quick shower- I used to wheel her in with me in her little cot.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/08/2023 23:45

Congratulations on your lovely daughter ❤️ xxx

Butterflytown · 18/08/2023 23:46

Sorry that was to @CoffeeIsTheAnswer1

Butterflytown · 18/08/2023 23:58

@Seagullchippy sounds almost exactly the same as my experience, sadly. I was on the high dependency unit after my c section (for me, baby was fine), DH wasn’t allowed to stay (this was pre covid) and I wanted to breastfeed so had to buzz to get them to pass me DD as I couldn’t move my legs for a few hours. They weren’t happy and told me I should bottlefeed so they didn’t have to keep helping me. When I said no they said ‘why do you want to starve your baby?’. She was my first and I was struggling to bf. I persevered and managed to bf eventually. I was in there 4 nights post birth and discharged myself on the 5th day as I was so exhausted- DD would only stop crying if I held her or fed her so I had only had a few minutes of sleep at a time. They would not help at all, wouldn’t even bring mothers their meals-you had to wheel the baby up to the serving station and carry your tray back in one hand and wheel the cot with the other. Not easy when you have no core strength post c section. Bit different to my DM’s experience in the 80s of post birth care in a maternity home.

Snugglemonkey · 19/08/2023 00:23

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:50

So if you're all not getting any support in hospital, if all is well and there's no medical reason to be there, what do you get out of staying?

There is not one. I was out after my section in less than 24 hours.

User32459678888888888 · 19/08/2023 07:32

I honestly think that, from the stories I’ve heard, every mother should complain about their post-natal care. I’ve never met anyone in person who had a good experience. Maybe if we all organised to complain, something might change.

Tessabelle74 · 19/08/2023 17:54

Congratulations on your bre arrival.You sound lovely! Just offer and see how it goes

saffy2 · 19/08/2023 17:54

A lady on my ward with my first came over to my bed and sat with me while I cried and offered me sweets. I would not have taken up any offer for her to take my child. But he’s 13 now and I often think of this woman and wished I’d asked her name. She was an angel to me that night (it was about midnight and i was crying and has just phoned my mum crying). I always remember her. So I would say go and offer an ear and some sustenance. And a cuddle. That will still help.

Bertiesmum3 · 19/08/2023 18:06

My daughter from birth until nearly 3 years old slept 1 hour every 24 hours
I still wouldn’t let anyone else hold her for me to get some sleep ( apart from dad !)

HannahsLife · 19/08/2023 18:23

ForestGoblin · 18/08/2023 07:47

It would if the patient refused and said I need to sleep. It's a hospital. For patients.

Show quote history

If you refused to look after your baby so you could sleep they'd send a safeguarding referral. Rightly so.

surreygirl1987 · 19/08/2023 18:23

I wouldn't. If she wants to sleep, especially with a bottle fed baby, the nurses can organise for the baby to go to the nursery (or be cared for in the nurses station for a bit)

This was not my experince at all... nobody would look after my son even for a moment to allow me to shower or use the toilet. I had to take him with me. I was so sleep deprived after 3 nights of next to no sleep that I was practically hallucinating and yet still no help. My ward was absolute hell.

Madwife888 · 19/08/2023 18:46

Midwife here…

we have areas at my busy obstetric unit where we keep the babies overnight if we aren’t too busy. This is especially common on my old ward, I was in charge every night shift and I preferred it if the babies were in the nursery and the mums slept so we could
Just go round and do what we needed to do and everyone was happier in the morning.

of course I don’t advocate this and it is totally not recommended nor part of the ‘baby friendly initiative’ or ‘rooming in’ but I’m pretty sure if you asked the mums on my ward what they actually preferred you could guess what they would
say ;)

IVFlife · 19/08/2023 18:56

@Lwrenagain I'm sorry I clicked yabu by accident..no glasses on.

You sound v kind. Congrats on your dd. Hope she gets home soon

JBFletcherstypewriter · 19/08/2023 18:56

Nursery? What nursery? Where? I gave birth to twins during the first wave of Covid, it was by elective section so my husband was allowed into surgery with me and stayed with me and the twins in recovery for about 45 minutes until he was told to leave. That was a Monday morning and I didn’t see him again until the Friday afternoon in the car park when he was allowed to pick us up. The ward manager asked was I sure I wanted to leave, I had had 5 and a half hours sleep since they were born, I was absolutely determined to get out of there. No one offered to take them, in fact I rang the buzzer a couple of times and would wait an hour for a healthcare assistant to ask what was wrong with me and would then wait god knows how long for a nurse or midwife to come to me. I had to leave them in the cubicle when I went to the toilet or go for a shower, they were in 2 cots because of their size so it was a mission to get in and out of the bed each time trying to manoeuvre the cots out of the way. Other patients talking so loudly on their phones at all times of the day or night. I had to be taken for an X-ray one day and insisted that someone watched them while I was gone so they wheeled them down next to the nurses station. Absolutely shocking treatment. I am very grateful for all 3 of my children and thankful that we won’t be having any more babies so that I don’t have to experience anything like that again.

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 20:09

Her son sounds like my DD. She was dreadful at sleeping and at a higher birth weight constantly hungry… I would have appreciated someone offering but would’ve declined.
my DD was awake so much I think that’s why we were put in a room on our own LOL

T1Dmama · 19/08/2023 20:15

Madwife888 · 19/08/2023 18:46

Midwife here…

we have areas at my busy obstetric unit where we keep the babies overnight if we aren’t too busy. This is especially common on my old ward, I was in charge every night shift and I preferred it if the babies were in the nursery and the mums slept so we could
Just go round and do what we needed to do and everyone was happier in the morning.

of course I don’t advocate this and it is totally not recommended nor part of the ‘baby friendly initiative’ or ‘rooming in’ but I’m pretty sure if you asked the mums on my ward what they actually preferred you could guess what they would
say ;)

My child never left my side in hospital, she was wheeled to the shower room with me, our hospital did away with nurseries years ago I think…. There was no offer of it but I’d have refused anyway.

Threeboysadogandacat · 19/08/2023 20:19

When I was a student nurse on my midwifery placement (1985) they still had nurseries for the babies and nursery nurses to bath and feed the babies that were bottled fed. The babies were taken into the nursery to bath and feed.
By the time I had ds1 in 1995 there were no nursery nurses and or nurseries but the staff still took babies overnight to let you sleep and helped with baths etc. In 2006 with ds3 I was on my own, although ds3 was in SCBU for 8 days so I only had one night with him in the ward before we went home and I had a single room for the whole time so I can’t complain.
Congratulations on your little DD @Lwrenagain

chillidoritto · 19/08/2023 20:23

The midwives used to take them out if they were fractious with all of mine (NW England). They were awesome at being able to settle the babies and insisted that the mums got their rest - so much so that they weren't keen on visitors apart from partners and siblings!

OhMerseyMe · 19/08/2023 20:25

Congratulations on your new little bundle of joy 👶🏻💓👶🏻

I am in the U.S., so therefore not aware of the protocol in the U.K., but here the baby can go to the nursery as much or as little as the mom requests. Is that an option for the mom?