Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The other mum on the ward WWYD

294 replies

Lwrenagain · 18/08/2023 02:35

I've just given birth to my beautiful little DD but she's been quite unwell and I'm only able to hold her during her feeds as she needs the light therapy for jaundice.
I'm naturally devastated, incredibly grateful I'm next to her and can hold her, bit we've not really had much time with cuddles etc yet.
Anyway, because of this, even though I've had a section, I'm well rested.
I really don't do anything but look at my baby. Like now, I could be asleep, but I'm just unable to.

Anyway, there's a mum here who's also had a section and her wee DS is quite unsettled and she sounds for lack of better description, fucking shattered.

I think they're asleep now but the poor woman hasn't had a minute to rest, let alone sleep. Bless her baba, he's a half an hour and wide awake lad!

I don't want to be weird or make her uncomfortable at all, but I'd like her to know if she wants a few hours kip I'd happily mind her wee fella for her, he's bottle fed so she could realistically get a bit of sleep. I feel awful for her and I'd love to help.

Would I seem like a creepy weirdo trying to steal her baby or would it be one of those "it takes a village" things and she'd be happy for the chance of sleep?

I don't want to make her feel awkward or anything, but I'd like her to know if she needs some rest, I'm literally a curtain away.

OP posts:
JanieEyre · 18/08/2023 06:29

Maybe have a tactful word with the nurses about helping her? I wouldn't necessarily assume they'll help out off their own bat.

CantFindTheBeat · 18/08/2023 06:37

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 03:08

I wouldn't. If she wants to sleep, especially with a bottle fed baby, the nurses can organise for the baby to go to the nursery (or be cared for in the nurses station for a bit).

You're saying this as though it's fact, @CoffeeIsTheAnswer1

With both my 2, there was virtually no help from any of the post-natal ward staff whatsoever.

You're lovely, OP. I'm glad your little one is ready to be held xx

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:39

CantFindTheBeat · 18/08/2023 06:37

You're saying this as though it's fact, @CoffeeIsTheAnswer1

With both my 2, there was virtually no help from any of the post-natal ward staff whatsoever.

You're lovely, OP. I'm glad your little one is ready to be held xx

Show quote history

Yes, didn't realise that not all hospitals had those facilities. It's just what I've seen with people I know who had hospital births. I had mine at home.

BlastedIce · 18/08/2023 06:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sleep deprivation makes you do things you might not normally do.

BlastedIce · 18/08/2023 06:40

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 03:08

I wouldn't. If she wants to sleep, especially with a bottle fed baby, the nurses can organise for the baby to go to the nursery (or be cared for in the nurses station for a bit).

Wishful thinking. I’m afraid!

speakout · 18/08/2023 06:48

Congratulations OP.

No help here either- even for a second while I hobbled to the toilet just hours after giving birth- I had to take my babies too.

I would be surprised if staff allowed another patient to care for someone else's baby.
There are infection risks,but if anything like a choking while feeding happened then staff would be held accountable.
Patients are not CRB checked, handing around babies for strangers to care for isn't a good idea.

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:50

So if you're all not getting any support in hospital, if all is well and there's no medical reason to be there, what do you get out of staying?

mildlydispeptic · 18/08/2023 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Genuine question. If you don't have an answer, feel free to pass by.

Onehappymam · 18/08/2023 07:11

Glad your baby is on the bend. Fingers crossed you’ll be home soon.

When I had a section I was advised by the consultant to stay in for 3 nights. Could barely move, but had to look after a newborn on my own, with no help. My son hardly slept and fussed all night. I would have LOVED for someone to offer to help! And no, I didn’t get any help from staff. They were far too busy.

WaltzingWaters · 18/08/2023 07:12

Congratulations on your DD and her coming off the light treatment!

For what it’s worth I was the totally exhausted mum post 3 day labour and c section, 3 day hospital stay after with so many checks on both baby and I and a baby that didn’t want to be put down that sleep was impossible. As long as you worded it nicely and seemed normal I’d have been so grateful for the hours sleep!

For all those saying the nurses could just take the baby if she needed some rest, that didn’t happen as they were so short staffed and overworked. One lovely hca said she’d take him so I could rest but came back a couple minutes later saying sorry but the head midwife wouldn’t allow it as they’re too busy. It was covid times still so visiting times were very limited so my partner wasn’t able to help.

ButterCrackers · 18/08/2023 07:17

I think that’s so kind of you. You are also recovering and need to rest whilst you can. It might just help to have a chat with the other mum. It’s high alert awareness after a baby is born so she might want a break but can’t give her baby to someone for awhile. Just a friendly word can help.

Mummyme87 · 18/08/2023 07:23

As a midwife, that’s a lovely suggestion. I would have taken you up when I had my second baby who screamed allllll night. I would have jumped out the window if it opened enough.

midwives wouldn’t have any day on someone else looking after your baby, totally your choice… unless you were known safeguarding of course. And hospitals don’t have nurseries for babies like the US, nor will they likely take your baby to the office or midwives station for any period of time unless it was very quiet. 2 or 3 midwives on a ward of 30 plus women and babies needing round the clock care…

Bunnycat101 · 18/08/2023 07:28

How old are the posters children that had help at night and nurseries? I’d be pleasantly surprised if it was recent as my experience of post natal was it being like a zoo.

First birth- I remember them doing obs every hour and waking me up but no help with the baby - I phoned my husband at 1am on day 4 saying I couldn’t stay there anymore. Birth 2 I didn’t see a midwife all night- they popped in in the morning and said they’d been busy and then I got myself discharged.

LM20 · 18/08/2023 07:29

10 years ago when I had my DS my DS dad was there any time he was allowed. I had plenty of help, and our DS also had the same treatment as your baby.

There was a woman on the ward who sat by herself all day long. I overheard her ask one of the nurses if they could watch her baby so she could have a shower and they told her they were too busy. I had a discreet word and offered to watch her LO so she could shower.

She took me up on it, and returned forever grateful stating she felt like a new woman. Small gesture, I didn’t really do a lot but I’m sure both I and the other woman will remember the small act of kindness at a time whereby us as woman can feel our most vulnerable.

PS the hospital had no issue with it - in fact one nurse said it would be beneficial to all new mums if this was more of a common practise, especially those who have no visitors. Nurses are stretched and can’t offer the assistance they did 20,30 years ago.

oakleaffy · 18/08/2023 07:31

Autumnisnearlyhere · 18/08/2023 06:11

To all those posters saying a nurse will look after your baby if they don’t sleep, in my case I found this very untrue. I had a 24 hour labour and was in agony, I was put on a post op ward with my newborn screaming, after many complaints from other patients, the nurse took him for an hour then returned and said “he obviously wants his mum” and handed him back to me. I was then told not to get out of bed due to my condition but no one came when called so I had to pick him up. I hadn’t slept for 48 hours at that point and was a wreck. My phone has died (no charger) the dad had gone home and I felt so totally alone in this world. If someone had offered to try and comfort him I would have accepted. Eventually I was moved to the post natal ward but told to “stop crying as the baby will pick up on it” . I then went on to develop post natal depression, no one would help or comfort either of us. Honestly the worst time in my life, in my experience kindness that like that is very rare.

How awful...Poor you.. Yes, I was told the same, not to cry as ''Baby will pick up on it''. The birth experience was so physically painful that I never had another. {failed epidural but brutal oxytocin drip}

Summerrainagain1 · 18/08/2023 07:34

Congrats on your baby.

Yes, offer 100%. DD was awful on the ward and the midwives were too busy to help in anyway. I was really poorly from birth complications and got zero sleep for 3 nights, i would have loved if someone offered to cuddle her so I could have a nap without worrying.

ForestGoblin · 18/08/2023 07:34

Why won't nurses help in this scenario? On what other hospital ward would it be acceptable to torture a patient with sleep deprivation? You should tell them to take him away to a nursery area.

ForestGoblin · 18/08/2023 07:35

If I were her I would wheel him to the nurses station (assuming I could walk, obvious) then back for a snooze.

Hopebrown · 18/08/2023 07:35

OP I wish there was somebody lovely like you when I gave birth. The nights spent on the postnatal ward make me shudder to this day.
I was absolutely shattered and like others, had no help. I would have been so grateful for another mum offering help. I say go for it x

Sugarfree23 · 18/08/2023 07:37

Congratulations 🎊.
A lovely offer, but your own LO is likely to be more alert now. Don't bite of more than you can chew.

@CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 what decade are you talking about when nurseries were a thing?

Current policy is 'rooming in' new babies should be with their mum 24/7. New mums are the only hospital patients who are expected to care for another patient. Wards are short staffed and often expect the other parent/ birth partner to plug the gabs which isn't always possible if there are other children who need looking after at home.

oakleaffy · 18/08/2023 07:37

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:50

So if you're all not getting any support in hospital, if all is well and there's no medical reason to be there, what do you get out of staying?

OP's baby needed lights to break down jaundice in her baby's skin. She wasn't there for the jollies of it...Hospitals aren't spas.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 18/08/2023 07:39

I had no help and I would have given DS3 to pretty much anyone if it would have got me 20 minutes sleep. You sound lovely, and congratulations on your little baby.

MBailey99 · 18/08/2023 07:39

NewName122 · 18/08/2023 03:18

I'd take that as you thinking I couldn't cope 🙈

This was my thought too 😅

BlastedIce · 18/08/2023 07:39

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 18/08/2023 06:50

So if you're all not getting any support in hospital, if all is well and there's no medical reason to be there, what do you get out of staying?

Oh just her baby being treated under light therapy for jaundice, because they’re quite unwell.

Had you not had your morning coffee when you put this post up?