Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
seanbonfire · 29/02/2008 10:53

i went to a very good friends wedding when my first baby was 4 weeks old. I was breast feeding so for tow weeks expressed one ounce at the end of each feed and froze them. Left DD with my delighted mam and two sisters(first grandchild!) with enough breastmilk for ten babies! Got dressed up did hair, had few drinks and a dance and had great time. Did me the world of good.

worst part was at about half eleven that evening sitting cubicle in loos using a syringe pump to express toxic breast milk. Not very glam........

WelliesAndPyjamas · 29/02/2008 11:02

There are pros and cons to babies at weddings.

We had three BFeeding babies and our 1-and-a-half year old DS at our wedding, in a small room at a registry office. It was like a noisy zoo but it was really lovely.

And we went to a wedding when DS was only 3 weeks old. I spent probably 70% of the time scurrying off to change him, feed him, or check my breast pads, so I missed most of the do.

Daisymoo · 29/02/2008 11:04

I find the whole 'it's my special day, I can do what I like' attitude of brides totally bizarre. Essentially they're asking you to give up a day of your time, spend money on clothes, presents etc, and schlep halfway across the country for the honour of being given a bit of food and watching the bride swank up the aisle. Whatever happened to the notion of being good hosts and hostesses and trying to make sure that your guests have a good time?!

She probably doesn't realise what a big deal it is to leave such a young baby behind, but even so uninviting someone is just rude. My dh's 16 yo cousin turned up with his girlfriend (not invited) in tow to our wedding and rearranged all the seating at the tables to fit her in but we didn't chuck them all out because it wasn't worth the hurt and embarassment it would have caused them.

indiemummy · 29/02/2008 11:32

We have had two separate invitations to weddings that have said "To Mr & Mrs X" (actually to "Mr X and Ms Y" ) and a handwritten note at the bottom saying "sorry, no children are allowed" or words to that effect - i.e. acknowledging that we have dcs that we need to make arrangements for, but still making us feel welcome. We didn't go to either in the end (I am rubbish at leaving dcs with anyone else and it would have involved loads of travelling, for members of extended family we don't really know).

I think that's what the bride(zilla) should have done in this case to avoid misunderstandings. She does sound a bit selfish to assume you will not bring the baby - in fact it sounds as though she hasn't even considered the baby. But, you know, she's not your best mate, so just don't go.

I would be relieved that i didn't have to glam up at 4 weeks post partum and meet a whole load of strangers with leaking boobs and a jelly belly. (I mean, I would have the leaking boobs and jelly belly, not the strangers...)

madamez · 29/02/2008 11:36

Tortoiseshell: traditionally, weddings were about handing over the ownership of a woman from her father to her husband. Women were 'given away' exactly like goods and chattels, because that's what they legally were. There are plenty of traditions that have now been abandoned in most places ans should be entirely (slavery, state exectution, human sacrifice), and if a bride and groom or civil partners are paying for their own event then it is up to them who to invite.
And I do despise the breeder attitude that weddings are all about Family. No they are not, not in every case. People can want a public celebration of their commitment without it being a stated intent to have children: not eveyrone likes children and not every couple getting married intends to have them.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 11:58

madamez, I agree that the traditional 'handing over' of the woman has correctly been abandoned. I just think as a parent, the wedding day ISN'T just about the 'bride and groom' - I just don't see it as that huge 'this is my day', and see it much more as a shared celebration.

In actual fact, the OP could just take her baby to the ceremony, which is in fact a public event anyway, and miss the reception. I've done that, and generally the couple appreciate us having made the effort to go, even if our children were there!

luvaduck · 29/02/2008 12:13

I was invited to a wedding of some lovely friends 2 weeks post due date, baby arrived late so was 5 days old on wedding day. Friends were very flexible and i really thought i would go right up the last minute BUT it was the last thing in the world i felt like on the day. I had a big deal admitting it (esp as lovely mum and mil "i told you so"), but as soon as I made the decision a hige weight lifted.

Even at a month old going to the supermarket was a big trip - you are so tired/hormonal/spaced etc you really might not feel like it, esp if its your first.

Difficult dilemna and if the bride hasn't got kids she prob doesn't understand (don't think i would have realised how impossible it would be to leave a tiny baby, just while BF still being established before i had one!)

How about contacting the bride again and asking if you can give her a reply after the birth, depending on how you feel. maybe invite her to meet baby at say 2 weeks, and she'll see how you can't leave her. if she doesn't, she's insensitive and not worth it!!

madamez · 29/02/2008 12:17

I really don't get this idea that, if a couple have asked for no children at their wedding, people think 'well, the ceremony's open to the public so I will turn up with my children anyway despite being specifically asked not to bring them'. I'm amazed people like that have any friends left.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 12:22

But how does it make any difference to the bride and groom whether there are any children present at the ceremony? As long as they are controlled by the parents, and taken out if they make a disturbance I REALLY can't see a problem. I'd be amazed if any bride and groom noticed tbh - I would have thought they would have their minds on other things.

Why not say no old people, because they might leave a stick lying around or no disabled people because a wheelchair might get in the way? And no-one with a cold or hay fever in case they sneeze or cough. Nobody who sings out of tune because they might spoil the sound of the hymns on the video. No-one who has dodgy taste in hats and might spoil the photographs.

I can understand someone saying no children for the reception as there can be a huge cost implication if all your friends have children and you suddenly find yourself having to cater for 30 or 40 children. But at the ceremony? When a parent will in all likelihood take them out at the first suggestion of a noise? And will probably sit at the back near the door so they can make a quick getaway if need be? It CAN'T be a problem surely!

Dropdeadfred · 29/02/2008 12:26

why would you have children to the ceremony but not the reception though?
Are they supposed to disappear once the vows have been said?

TillyScoutsmum · 29/02/2008 12:27

I don't you are being unreasonable and can understand why you're a bit miffed but I think any policy on banning or limiting children at weddings is often contentious.

My SIL got married last year and only invited "babes in arms" (under 12 months). We had 8 week dd and she was invited. However, her 4 year old sister was not. There is no way the 3 of us could have disappeared off to a wedding without her (especially as she is in the midst of her "princess" and wedding obsession phase). There was already the possibility of her feeling a bit left out at the arrival of a new baby and going to a wedding without her would have just componded it. DP really couldn't get his head around why his sis wanted one of her nieces there but not the other.

Another friend invited children but said they weren't invited to the evening reception and had to be in bed by 8 pm (everyone was staying over and childminders were provided). This also caused uproar with some members of her family

Personally, I don't really get the no kids thing but I do think a bride and groom should have the wedding they want

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 12:29

Dropdeadfred - it was a suggestion as something the OP could do - go to the ceremony but not the reception. Then they see their friend get married, but the couple don't need to worry about catering for children. And my point was you don't need an invitation to go to the ceremony, it's public.

madamez · 29/02/2008 12:29

Well, the sort of people who will bring their uninvited children are the sort of people who won't remove said children should they cry, shout, run around or start throwing things. Because people who insist on inflicting their farking children on everyone else, usualy with a lot of self-righteous bullshit about how the English hate children (no, we just hate your little fuckers because they are uncontrollable) always have the worst, noisiest, rowdiest kids and the most complete lack of interest in anyone except their dumb smug breeding-animal selves.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/02/2008 12:29

Because there are people around who don't take the baby/toddler out. And you can't just ban the children who will be allowed to misbehave, you have to be consistent!
We know one family who think that it's "cute" for their children to run around the bride and groom, threaten to knock over the flowers... I could go on... and our wedding was very emotional (had lost very close family members in recent years ). I was concerned about being able to get through the ceremony as it was, as things were so emotional. There was no way that I could have coped with toddlers running around or babies crying.
It was a shame that we couldn't invite the children from families that we knew would be either well behaved or whisked out, but we really didn't have a choice.

cat64 · 29/02/2008 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 29/02/2008 13:12

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 29/02/2008 13:19

absolutely agree cat64

sleepycat · 29/02/2008 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 29/02/2008 13:40

Sleepycat: it is feasible to have childcare for a newborn: not everyone breastfeeds/some people express BM. It's not the responsibility of a bride who doesn't have or much like children to fanny around learning all about childcare for a not-that-close friend, after all.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 29/02/2008 13:42

But she didn't uninvite the op - she just explained that children were not invited (admitedly she didn't handle the situation in a particularly tactful manner).

Maybe she has restrictions on numbers, maybe she feels that she'll have to invite everyone else's children if the op takes her baby, maybe she does just hate children.

The couple are paying for the party they are entitled to invite who they like. They guests are entitled to politely decline if they wish. There's really no need to go round dumping friends because of this though?

Lulumama · 29/02/2008 13:45

2 weeks post natal, i would rather have poked out my eyes, than get glammed up for a wedding, with my breast pads, santitary towel, big tummy, huge boobs, bags under eyes....eeeeek !no thank you!

if you invite one child, where do you draw the line? best to do all or nothing in my view

aDad · 29/02/2008 13:49

Just make sure you are polite enough to reply with a home-made card

(and no, I'm not being serious)

belgo · 29/02/2008 13:50

lol aDad

Spink · 29/02/2008 13:57

sorry, I haven't got the time at the mo to read all the replies, just the OP, so pologies if this isn't relevant any more..

I think it is totally up to your friend whether she wants children or not at her wedding. What is not so good is that the invites weren't clear about this. My friend got married when ds was 6 weeks, their invite clearly said at the bottom "We are sorry to not be inviting children to the wedding, we hope you understand and still feel able to attend blah blah blah"
We had plenty of notice & it was totally clear what was being asked. You shouldn't put your guests in the uncomfortable position that she put you in.

having said that...at our wedding, we wanted children to come and be part of it because that personally was important for us.. stupidly we didn't put that on the invite (just wrote 'to the x family' on the envelopes) and had all our childed friends calling to check if they could bring their dc's.. duh.

tori32 · 29/02/2008 14:03

Thats ridiculous! YANBU! If the baby was going to be 6/8 wks then I would say fine and just express enough milk to leave with a babysitter. At that short time after the birth you probably won't feel like going anyway. She obviously can't see it from any other angle but her own.
I would try to explain that although you will probably be shattered due to lack of sleep/constant feeding, that you wanted to make the effort to be there for her big day. Explain that bf means a lot to you and that you can't give bottles so early due to potentially risking supply etc. Explain that you will feed discreetly (if its a hotel perhaps get a room) if thats bothering her and that if the baby becomes irritable/ constant crying that you will leave early.
If she can't see your POV then, well she isn't worth being friends with IMHO.