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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
babyinacorner · 29/02/2008 08:13

WandP - your comment makes it sound like 'some people are nice and some people aren't' I think weddings are for family and friends but the brutal truth is when you have x number of family and x number of friends that you have known for years and you only have a small budget and a strict number of guests then sometimes cutting children is an option.

VictorianSqualor · 29/02/2008 08:13

Can you not arrange to have someone look after the baby close by so you can pop off and feed when need be but not actually take the baby?
Sorry but I do think you're being unreasonable, I never expect any invite I have to include the DC's unless it specifically says.

Mungarra · 29/02/2008 08:15

YANBU. I wouldn't go. Frankly, you probably won't feel like going so soon after the birth anyway.

She can invite who she wants but she can't expect someone to leave a newborn baby, especially a breastfed one. Obviously, her no-child rule is more important to her than having you at the wedding.

I'd just be glad to have an excuse not to attend the Bridezilla's wedding. They tend to be all the same anyway.

aDad · 29/02/2008 08:16

Ah this old chestnut

yanbu

Even if the couple don't want children at their wedding, surely allowances can be made for a v close friend with a newborn who is likely to feed and sleep most of the time.

I'd be fairly hacked off if it was a friend of mine.

kslatts · 29/02/2008 08:17

I think weddings are family occasions and we had lots of children at ours, but it is her wedding and her choice whether she wants to invite children.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 29/02/2008 08:17

You're right, babyinacorner, it does, doesn't it! I'm in a very ranty mood today . I will rephrase:

Everyone has different thoughts on this problem (as we have seen with countless other threads on MN before) and that is fine. She has been waiting a long time for her big day and it is after all her^ special day. Do as she asks, because she has been brave enough to ask you directly.

(Think it is time I walked away from MN before I now and direct my rantiness at DH instead . Thanks babyinacorner!)

Kimi · 29/02/2008 08:18

sorry but I think you are being a bit unreasonable, she addressed the invite to Mr and Mrs, not to and family, therefore making it clear that she was not inviting children (her choice and her right).

You can either not go or see if your mum or MIL can look after baby and express some milk.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 29/02/2008 08:18

and learn to proofread my posts before posting - just look at that last sentence

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 08:23

kinki - you were expected to leave a 4 week old bf baby in another country to go to a wedding? And no doubt you were portrayed as being unreasonable.

Good grief.

izzybiz · 29/02/2008 08:23

I didn't want loads of children at my wedding, obviously family children were there but I didn't really want all my friends to bring theirs, there would have been more kids than adults!
But one friend had a small baby and I made a point of saying to bring him if they wished, a tiny baby is not going to get in anyones way!

I took my Dd to my cousins wedding when she was about 3-4 weeks old, she slept most of the day, only waking to feed.
TBH, I,ve never understood where this too tired and leaking from everywhere comes from!!

babyinacorner · 29/02/2008 08:24

having said all that - at my wedding my best friend will have a 6 week old baby and the baby IS invited but other peoples older (year +) children aren't. because of numbers not because i'm a heartless cow

WandP - sorry -touchy subject with me!

Hulababy · 29/02/2008 08:26

For me weddings are family occasions and ought to include children through to great grandparents.

However some people choose to have adult only weddings and it is thier right to chose. With that has to come, from them, the realisation that some of their family and friends may not be able to attend, and they have to accept that without making those people feel bad about it. They also have to realise that they risk making some people feel excluded; to me this includes anyone who doesn't have the luxury of childcare onhand or have tiny babies who can't be left.

Re. the OP - I just wouldn't go now. I'd not feel comfortable being there after the second conversation. The bride to be has made her wishes very clear so there is no taking baby possible now IMO.

BTW, even though I ad had a cs I was more than up for being out and about at 4 weeks. IMO baby doesn't get germs from socialising, and some mums are more than happy to socialise at this stage. I was fed up of being in the house all day whilst DH was at work (culdn't drive) - so getting out at weekends or in an evenong, albeit with DD as i really didn't want to leave her for ages, was a lovely idea.

TheBlonde · 29/02/2008 08:35

YABU
You weren't sure the baby was invited, now you have checked and the baby isn't

Lots of people don't want children at their wedding

Pruners · 29/02/2008 08:40

Message withdrawn

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 08:43

Just read the OP. Yanbu. I went to a close friend's wedding about 5 or 6 weeks after ds1 was born. They had a no children policy (largely because of a large number of cousins' children which would have doubled the guest list, and weren't particularly known to her). But she said to everyone that she was only inviting 1 child and that was ds1! And she got away with it!

Pitchounette · 29/02/2008 08:44

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 29/02/2008 08:44

weddings are about the bride and groom - it is their special day. thay chose whom they invite, and the guests essentially comply.

shame you are disapointed

good luck with rest of pg

hanaflower · 29/02/2008 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 08:51

Actually, traditionally the wedding is NOT the bride and groom's 'special' day, it is the special day of their parents. In times past, they would have paid for the whole thing, and invited THEIR friends. My parents were allowed 10 friends each at their wedding, after all my grandparents' friends were invited. This 'it's my big day, I'm going to have it exactly as I want it' is a very modern attitude, and tbh I think it's a horrible attitude. It's a time for your parents to wish you well on the next stage of your life, and the reason I see for having parents' friends is that they have watched you grow up, supported your parents in your upbringing, and generally been part of your life, and now they are setting you off on the next stage.

And a 3-4 week old baby is not going to wreck things - even if they screamed their cry is so little at that age, and there's always the option of going out if they cry!

LowFat · 29/02/2008 08:54

YANBU, we were invited to a party when my DS was 4 months old. He had breathing problems and quite often if in distress would hold his breath to the point of turning blue and passing out, he was not breast fed (my boobs are ornamental - whole other thread).

My BF has organised her DH's surprise 40th and babysitters for everyones children at her house. But due to DS problems I did not want to leave him with strangers.

But my BF made an exception for us, and even though we had a tour of a National Heritage site as part of the celebrations we were included and just wheeled DS around. He was as good as gold he just stayed in his pram except for a feed and a change and smiled at people, watched the balloons or slept. Everyone commented that they did'nt even realise he was there.

There was live music and we left when it started as it really was too loud for him, but we enjoyed the tour, the meal and speeches.

I am sorry your friend cannot understand the need for parents and v.young babies not to be parted. She has got her own reasons which do justify her decision to her, and you'll have to respect those.

Hope you and your DH can find a nice restaruant and treat yourselves to a nice meal with your baby at your side.

HarrietTheSpy · 29/02/2008 08:57

Tortoise
My friend had a wedding like you describe, in 2007, and with a whole load of grunters she didn't even know and a number of her own DFriends unable to attend due to numbers. Not very nice - the tradition you describe was arguably just as much about keeping up with the Jones': "Look at what a flash do we can put on, and how well our daughter was married" as any other sentiment.

But this is probably a topic for another thread.

aDad · 29/02/2008 08:59

i would agree with tortoiseshell, the "my special day" attitude is how bridezillas are born.

Dropdeadfred · 29/02/2008 09:01

Tortoise..it's pretty rare for peoples paents to foot the bill these days. With people getting married later in life too their friends are often more important to them than their second cousins once removed...

edam · 29/02/2008 09:06

YANBU. We had this with so-called friends of ours. They expected us to abandon our four week old and travel 60 bloody miles to go to their wedding. Which 'wasn't suitable for children' because it was in a vineyard. What was a newborn baby going to do, drink the effing harvest?

AND the husband knew better because he had a child from his first marriage.

I was highly offended and dropped the friendship - they moved 100 miles shortly afterwards anyway.

pagwatch · 29/02/2008 09:08

I can undersatnd the difference of opinion about children at weddings but TBH I have never understood why people get so emotional about it?
She asked you but she doesn't want children there. You can't won't go without your child. So don't go.
It is just like a clash of dates or location you can't get to.

Weddings are fine. Some are great, some are big steaming turds of boredom.
BUt the' oh my god she doesn't want my offspring there' reaction seems to me to be as inappropriate and disproprtionate as the 'it is my special day so feck everyone else' attitude.
Go, don't go.
Really. It's only a wedding .Unless they are giving away free stuff. Or Brad Pitt is going.

( And I say that having had a very nice wedding to which allthe people I loved along with many I didn't care about were invited).
And congratulations of course