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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleBella · 03/03/2008 19:09

Kaishay - simply because before we have children, most of us are (ignorant of the needs of a new born baby that is). It's very unusual to meet anyone who hasn't actually had kids, or works in the childcare/ medical industry, who has the slightest inkling about new born babies.

I remember thinking that I'd be able to spend maternity leave reading good books and going to art galleries...

PurlyQueen · 03/03/2008 19:26

I had that fantasy too, LittleBella.

Then I got to 35 weeks and realised that I could barely walk anywhere

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:31

But you can still watch TV though can't you, if you can't manage a book?!

theBOD · 04/03/2008 11:48

"Well theBod you still haven't explained why the couple would invite people they're not really interested in having there? "

they might be very interested in having her and her partner there but simply don't want children there also. so they invited her and her partner with plenty of time to arrange child care if they wished to come but made it expressly clear that no children (not just the op's but none whatsoever) would be welcome. now it is completely up to the op.
i don't see what more the bride and groom could do. they want her there but know she has a baby so the choice is now hers.
it would be unrasonable of them if they started to lay the guilt trip on her for not coming or got angry at her as it is their stipulations and conditions which have forced her to make a choice which might result in the decision they don't want.but so far we have no evidence of that.

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:54

I have to say that if I was organising a night out to a wine bar I would want all my friends there, I would invite them all, if some of them had kids I would still invite them even if they weren't able to get a sitter. Just because it's not reasonable to take a baby to a wine bar at 10pm at night doesn't mean that I wouldn't want the parents there, I just wouldn't want them to bring their kid, doesn't mean I don't want them there at all.

DualCycloneCod · 04/03/2008 11:55

where the op then
oi

champagne where are you

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 11:57

Is the OP called Champagne or are you just wanting to get on the booze early today?!

DualCycloneCod · 04/03/2008 11:59

rumbled on btoh coutns!

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 12:01

Well if you're starting early - Garcon! clicks fingers Champagne for two!

ghosty · 04/03/2008 12:20

Oh gosh, is it the beginning of March already?
Yay - this is the first of six months' worth of Ye Olde "Children at Weddings" Debate ...
Yippee [yawn]

It is soooooo farking boring!!!

It is the couple's day. She decides who comes to the wedding. If she doesn't want children to come she doesn't want children to come. WHY is it such a big deal?
Yes, I agree a newborn maybe could be seen as different (doesn't need catering for etc) but if she doesn't want the newborn there she doesn't want the baby there ...
So don't go.

Save yourself a fortune on a present and accommodation costs ...

BTW FWIW when I got married I chose to invite kids - ended up having to feed 30 of the little bleeders - cost us an arm and a leg ... but hey, that was OUR choice!!!

ghosty · 04/03/2008 12:20

In fact, I am sure people brought other people's kids for the day too ...

PotPourri · 04/03/2008 12:29

Personally, I don't get the whole 'no children at weddings'. However - it is her wedding and you did ask her if it was ok. It sounds like she has explained it reasonably enough, and it would open the floodgates if she has decided not to invite other children (could even be family - imagine how annoyed other friends/family woudl be if there was a baby there, but they were told not to bring theirs!).

So, in asnwer to your question - YANBU in thinking it is weird not to want children there.

BUT, YABU to expect this girl to change her plans to suit you. If you want to go without the baby then do. But if not, I think you need to explain to her that you can't go and if you truly are a good friend, then you will let it be water under the bridge.

good luck

ghosty · 04/03/2008 12:34

Wot Potpourri said

lollipopmother · 04/03/2008 13:00

Ohhh don't go with the baby if she said it isn't welcome, a friend of mine had his wedding and said no children and someone bought theirs and it really didn't go down well at all, he thought they were really selfish to purposefully go against what they had been told when they were the ones getting married and the ones paying for them to be guests in the first place. He thought it was a real cheek, and I don't blame him, his party, his rules.

Original poster
ChampagneSupernova · 04/03/2008 13:29

I really can't believe that this thread is still going and apologies again (further to those in the thread title) for those who've been bored to tears by countless weddings and babies threads before.
In my defence, I am a clueless first timer (in fact maybe I should change my name to cluelesssupernova?! )

My post from Friday still pretty much stands

I do think I've over-reacted.

I was LOL at the contentious bitch comment simply because it was controversial. It's not what I think of my friend at all. I do think she's just thinking about what'll work best for her day and that I'm not going to be hugely comfortable trying to keep the only baby there quiet all day long.

You'll note that I agreed more with "If I dropped my mates every time one of them was a bit thoughtless I'd be pretty lonely."

Another example of how MN can make someone change their views, and for the better, so again many thanks to you all.

CS

OP posts:
Spaceman · 04/03/2008 13:39

It's so bloody norties not to have children at weddings. I always reassure the bride to be that I will take my child out during the vowes and speeches; if they get an invite that is.
.

Chequers · 04/03/2008 13:47

Message withdrawn

denbury · 04/03/2008 13:50

i got married when my ds was 9 weeks old,moved house when he was 7 weeks old and had a great time.(so did he,he was spoilt rotten with all the attention!!)children off all ages should be allowed to weddings.they are great to get peolpe talking and dancing!!!

Chequers · 04/03/2008 13:52

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 04/03/2008 14:15

lollipop!! how old was the child?

webchick · 04/03/2008 23:02

YANBU; we were invited to a wedding minus our 2 year old at the time - we deliberately didnt go as she was excluded.

Its up to the couple how they run their wedding. Either accept the invite and brass it out by taking your baby (if you really do feel up to it?) or dont go and just cool off your friendship. Personally a few weeks after my 1st I didnt feel like doing anything other than put my feet up.

Chequers · 05/03/2008 08:17

Message withdrawn

theBOD · 05/03/2008 11:11

yes why in gods name would you cool off the friendship? the woman didn't suggest that she abort the baby or give it up for adoption just for the sake of her wedding.she simply said she didn't want any children at her wedding,why would you stop being friends with someone over that? why not just decline the invitation and say we'll meet up for dinner/coffee when you get back from your honeymoon?

LittleBella · 05/03/2008 11:35

Thing is you cannot get a babysitter for a two week old baby. Not if you're breastfeeding. (People who say you should express are merely revealing a lack of knowledge about BF tbh.) And even if you aren't, to leave such a young baby for such a long length of time is not something most mothers would emotionally be able to do, something our culture doesn't recognise.

I do think there's an issue of generational segregation in our culture. If more childless people had contact with babies, they would know that you can't leave a young baby. So they would take that into account when inviting people and they would know that in effect by saying you don't want a young baby, you are saying you don't want its mother. That's the effect, if not the intention.

Of course brides and grooms have every right to invite who they like and if they don't want you at the wedding, that's their prerogative, none of us has the right to be invited to anyone's wedding. I just think that many people don't understand that they are not inviting people with young babies if they say no children at all. They think they're inviting them, but in reality they're not. And I do think that comes down to lack of knowledge, which in the main isn't their fault.

Kewcumber · 05/03/2008 12:21

my borhter and sister had five children between them way before I had DS. I was none the wiser about what babies needed.

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