Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

[champagnesupernova]

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

I get annoyed about all wedding where they invite the adults but not the DCs when they know you have them. You very often have to travel for hours to get there so you need to be gone for a whole day at a weekend and it isn't easy to find childcare. I agree with your idea of weddings mrsruffallo-I hate the cold, formal, perfect ones-they should be a warm, happy family occasion.

Wear your tiny baby in a sling... like a front loaded handbag. Mind you, I remember I didn't feel like even nipping out round the supermarket with a less than month old baby, never mind getting tarted up and attending a wedding.

From the brides point of view, it may well be that including people's children adds another two dozen guests to the list. No, I don't see why she should have to cut out really good friends or family members to accommodate this.

I'm sympthetic though, as someone pointed out, it usually does mean travelling etc for loads of people and it's nice when even if the children aren't invited to the wedding itself the bride and groom arrange babysitting, which is what friends of ours have done.

YABU just to tell her that you will be bringing your baby when she has said 'no children at the wedding'. It's every bit as rude as just assuming you can take an uninvited partner to a formal occasion. And it will make things awkward for her if you bring your baby and she has asked other people not to bring theirs, she will never hear the end of it. And babies, even tiny ones, quite often are a farking nuisance at formal events. They Do cry. And puke. And do appalling sulphuric shits just at the wrong moment. All of which is endearing if they are yours, or a near relative's, but less so if it's someone you don't know that well.

My sil planned her wedding for two weeks after dd4 was due. DD was on the way before the date was set, and DD1 nand DD2 were bridesmaids, DD3 wasn't anything{sceptical].

All were welcome, in fact expected to attend. DD4 was a week late, so we had to drag the family away from home with a week old baby. I had a horrible day, but everyone else enjoyed it.

I didn't want children at my wedding, and a few people minded, but there were no children in the immediate family anyway.

I think YABU to be upset that she doesn't want small peolpe, it's her special day.

I think YANBU to be hurt by the way she handled it, because she didn't think it through properly.

On reflection, I think I would be really panicking if my friend was encouraging me to come with a baby that young and EXPECTED it would really be possible to do. DD was four wks at New Year's Eve the year she was born and we were under a lot of pressure to make this party my friends were having. It really stressed me out having to try to explain over and again to childless friends why it wasn't going to work for us.

SHe's not being unreasonable - in her eyes - she's just a normal, everyday Bridezilla and she deserves our good wishes and regretful apologies that you will not be attending. And, FWIW, I would make every effort to reassure her that you are not snubbing her because the baby is not invited; explain it's just too near the due date and you can't plan for what might happen. Let her know asap so she can invite others in your place and send a lovely expensive card and/or token pressie.

We had a no-child policy at our wedding (yes, we were childless at the time) and I think now when I remember how precious we were about children making a noise, but it was a good wedding nonetheless.

Please forgive her - she knows not what she does! Enjoy the time at home getting to know your new baby. Believe me, weddings will be far from your thoughts on the day !

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IMO children in the church are a pita. ds is 20 months old and there's no way he would sit through a wedding service. he would cry and scream cos he would want to crawl around. if i ever got married i would have a no crawling babies - 2 year old rule for the church bit. however young babies might cry but as you said will most probably be asleep.

YANBU to be upset by how she has handle this. Its a difficult one.

it is her choice who she wants to invite to her wedding. Personally, I dont understand people who have weddings that dont have a gaggle of children running around, dancing at the disco, having fun in general. It is part of the whole day. I have only ever been to one wedding where children were not invited. It caused NO END of arguments for years amongst the family. We are a huge huge family ( extended ) and all of us have been married, at least once... everyone gets invited, its a given.
Outside the family, i've been to many many weddings. again, children were invited. Its part of the day, in my opinion, and experience.

Motherfunk: you come across as incredibly rude yourself, in the curt way you state that the OP was being rude.!

How is it being rude to assume that a good friend of yours, knowing you would have JUST had a baby, would invite you and NOT expect you to bring your tiny newborn baby? I'm shocked tbh that it would cross ANYONES mind, to ask someone with a newborn, to leave them at home for a day! outrageous! Its not like a newborn is contributing to the numbers on the head count for food and venue capacity!

I agree, if you have older children that can be left for a day and you are invited to an event that they are not invited to, then yes, fine, go without them, don't always expect everyone to want your children running around. However, babes in arms, who are being BREAST FED and therefore cannot be left all day ( lovely sarcastic comment re: precious children ) should NOT be excluded.
I would be incredibly pissed off with any friend of mine, who expected me to be there on the big day and abandon my tiny newborn baby with no food for a day. this is basically what is being suggested, indirectly by the expectation you would go, without your un invited baby...

Same thing happened to us, friends invited us to their wedding when dd was about 8 wks old. I emailed to ask if the invite included dd and she emailed back to say it was a strictly no-kids event.

As the wedding was only about 45 mins drive away I may have left dd (at least for an hour or so, just to see the ceremony, and not gone to the reception) if I'd had someone I trusted to be with dd.

But none of my friends were free to babysit, we have no family here and I couldn't face leaving my 8 wk old dd with a complete stranger from an agency (though I used to be a nanny and logically I know she would have been fine for an hour or so with a qualified childcare worker and a bottle of EBM. But I wasn't being logical 8 wks after giving birth and I couldn't do it)

Tbh, as they have no kids, they have no idea what it feels like to have a very new baby who I was feeding every couple of hours. At the end of the day, it was their weddind and totally their choice. I feel a bit sad I didn't get to see them getting married but I don't hold it against them. It can stir up a bit of trouble if other people are told they can't bring kids and then one person rolls up with their baby.

I suppose one of dh and I could have gone and the other stayed at home with dd but in the end we went away for the weekend to a nice holiday home and had a lovely weekend. I certainly don't resent my friends for their decision - their day and all that.

It is a tough one, though

not all babies are breastfed though and some are fed expressed milk. agreeably not all but some are. so it's not totally unreasonable to expect that you might go without the baby.

A wedding may be a formal occasion but it is a family formal occasion. You are not being rude to assume the baby was included, she didn't say that it was no children on the invitation.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but i think your first line in your post probaly somes up the reason.

'I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.' She probaly doesn't realise the difficulties of a newborn.

When my db got married the first time, his wife to be had a 'no children' at the wedding, so my Uncle and family didn't come as he had 3 young children but when the day came there were children there from her side of the family. Now that being unreasonable.

This happened to us too.

We got invited to a wedding of one of DH's friends. Since DS was 2 weeks late arriving he was 3.5 weeks at the date of the wedding. He wasn't mentioned on the card. DH thought about going himself but in the end didn't.

Now I wish he had gone but at the time I was so grateful he didn't. At that new stage with our first baby, every day seemed long and BF was still difficult. Awful weather so no incentive to get out and emergency CS so couldn't drive.

I agree with "itsahardknocklife" - I love a wedding but couldn't have mustered the enthusiasm for it at all at the time.

Yep me too.

Ds3 was 4 weeks old and bf. Wedding was in ireland. Had lots of pressure to attend, as bride had 200 guests and groom (my family) only 18! But right from the beginning they told us it was adults only. Also had the problem of what to do with ds1&2. So we asked if since I was bf a preterm baby could ds3 take dh's place. No go.

I slowly accepted that it was their wedding, their day, and it should be just as they want. There was no way I could go all that way on my own, and there was no-one to babysit there. So we had to miss it.

If you really want to go, is there someone nearby who could look after lo a couple of hours while you go to the service or the meal?

I think ultimately, it's their day, their choices.

I truly believe that where i come from a family is invited to a wedding and their offspring is not allowed to attend it could spark WW 3!Guaranteed.

IMO, it is a very selffish, horrid thing to ask a family not to bring their children- especially at 8 week old baby.... Luckily, all weddings I've been invited to it has allowed children.

I actually agree with Tommy and nelliesmum.
I'd wouldn't have though twice about it, I'd have just turned up with the baby.

But then maybe I just don't get weddings

Oh and I did a very horrible thing too. I need to confess this. Because they didn't welcome our children (esp our new born ds) to their wedding, I didn't get them a present. Decision based on kids' party etiquette. If you don't go, you don't give a present. Right?

absolutely right kinki

yabu - you don't know what the situation might be like with numbers of guests and her budget. At our wedding even babies count as guests because it is the number of bodies in the room under fire regulations. So if you have say 10 friends who have children that's a lot more guests if you are already tight on numbers/budget etc.

It's her wedding. You need to respect her wishes.
One of my friends was getting married just after I was due to give birth to DS1. Hers was a strict no babies/children wedding. She had asked me to do a reading.
No mention was made in the invite about bringing along the baby.
In the end, knowing how much pressure brides to be are under, I phoned her up and explained that as baby would be very young (between 4 and 6 weeks old) there was no way I could attend the wedding (which was about 3 hours away) with it. And that as much as I wanted to be there I fully respected her wishes. Her relief was palpable. I didn't go to the wedding, but she was in my thoughts on the day, and it certainly didn't affect our friendship.
It is rude, IMO, to bring a baby to a wedding without clearing it with the bride first.

It's a no brainer. Don't go. Some people think weddings are for family (I do, for example) and some people don't. This question of no babies/children at weddings is her problem, not yours. And clearly she's been waiting a long time for her big day.
Do what she asks - don't go... but for added satisfaction, send her a lovely present and a gushingly nice card which mentions what a real shame it is you can't come.