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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 29/02/2008 14:20

would people really fall out with someone who did not want to have any children, not just their child, at their wedding???

really?

the wedding is about the bride & groom and their day, and if you don;t like the way they are arranging their day, then don;t go !! but not fair to bitch about them having their wedding the way they want it

Chequers · 29/02/2008 14:24

Message withdrawn

purplejennyrose · 29/02/2008 14:26

Oooh have inadvertently been here...
We were invited to wedding of an old school friend of DH, when DD was 11 months. The invite only had our two names, and it was a very long travel, so I said I'd stay and let DH go as his friend. He thought DD would be welcome - I told him to ask!! Which I thought he had, as I got a vaguely affirmative reponse to the effect that yes, we could all go. Imagine my horror when on the way to the wedding I just mentioned something about 'kind of them to let DD come' at which point DH confesses that he 'never really asked them...'
There were other children in service, but at the reception DD was only one - I felt so bad and made DH do grovelling apology - luckily she was good as gold, couple and family were soo gracious and we had loads of comments about how lovely she was - the photographer followed her around! And as speeches were outside I just walked off under the trees with her, and the food was buffet and we had stuff for her, and we left early to get her to sleep. So, situation saved but I was so cross with DH and so embarressed.
At our wedding, we had all manner of people at service (whole public space thing..) and even a couple of uninvited extras to reception -just came along with people they'd got lifts with.. - but also a few people who straight after the service, came up and said they wouldn't be staying for reception after all...We were just very laid back, and had an extremely budget wedding (though utterly perfect IMO!) so it just didn't matter....

Lulumama · 29/02/2008 14:28

well, short of one of my friends hurting my DCs, trying it on with my DH or doing something equally heinous, i am in it for the long haul

got to see the bigger picture sometimes

if you can forgo a friendship for something like that, then you perhaps you are the one who needs to look at yourself....surely a true friendship is one that can survive ups and downs, and squabbles?:

Chequers · 29/02/2008 14:28

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 29/02/2008 14:30

One thing the coach said that has always stuck in my head is that you can't control the way other people behave - you can only control your reaction to their behaviour.

absolutely, i read that somewhere, and it is a bit of a revelation when you get your head around it!

purplejennyrose · 29/02/2008 14:42

Anway after my long ramble! Sorry OP..
YANBU to feel as you do - but feeling like that isn't going to be of any help..IYSWIM
YABU to behave in certain ways that have been suggested
Your friend is NBU just pehaps not thinking through how she does things
If the friendship is worth it, hang in there and don't react - if it's not worth it anyway, let it go and move on...so many things we could get bitter about, why expend the effort?
Anyway Lulumama and Chequers have said it much much better!!

tori32 · 29/02/2008 14:48

I think the thing with the OPs post is that her friend knew she would have a baby when she got married, knew she didn't want to invite babies and yet still sent the invite. She should have explained this to the OP before sending it. i.e. I understand you will just have had the baby and may not be able to leave her, but I thought it would be rude not to send an invite and will understand if you can't make it.
As it is, the OP will reply saying she cannot come without the baby and feel bad for that.

lacarte · 29/02/2008 14:55

you really won't want to go so it will all be ok and not worth falling out over - although I can understand why you feel this way.

I did take my b/fed baby to a no kids wedding (b and g were ok about her but not about 2 year old) when she was a few weeks old and some guy was a little hurt because they had had to leave their kids at home along with their mother (she didn't know couple as well as he did and there were no available babysitters) so it can be a bit of a sensitive issue.

Heated · 29/02/2008 15:05

I went to a childfree wedding when dd 8 wks old and left her and ds with ILs. It took a fair bit of arranging, wasn't particularly happy about it, but actually it was for the best. It was an incredibly dull occasion and was glad dcs didn't suffer through it and nor did we have to try and keep them entertained.

CantSleepWontSleep · 29/02/2008 15:07

Situations like this are lose lose really. We weren't able to go to our own best man's wedding with 6 month old breastfed (and entirely bottle refusing) dd because of their no child policy. Instead we got together with them when they came back from honeymoon, and shared an evening looking at the photos and video, and celebrating for them.

tori32 · 29/02/2008 15:09

At 8wks expressing is feasible, not really recommended at 2wks though tbh I personally would make an exception for a baby that young. I agree for older children its a total whatever the B and G want, however, I think its unreasonable for them to want the op to go and leave a baby that young.

expatinscotland · 29/02/2008 15:12

it's her day and she decides the rules, at the end of the day.

i wouldn't go, if it were me.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 15:16

Message withdrawn

KathyandIzzie · 29/02/2008 15:26

Wow that's so harsh.

I went to a wedding with a 2 week old baby last Summer. It was fine. I did what you did, said thanks for the invite, hope you don't mind I'll be bringing the little one as they're due on this date etc.

She slept the whole way through wedding and was no probs. Went back to car to breast feed as I was still a bit shy at that point on trying to feed in public after service.

I had to go to wedding as they were such a good friend I didn't want to miss it. I was so glad I went.

Surely as your baby is little you should be an exception? Maybe your friend will come round to it as the pregnancy develops etc.

If you can forgive her of course

dippydeedoo · 29/02/2008 15:34

now you understand why its took so long for him to propose to her .....hard faced cowbag i think .....

jasper · 29/02/2008 15:43

A lot of people who don't have kids are under the misconception that tiny babies spend most of their time crying.

I definitely thought this way before I had my own.

I totally see her point of view and as it's her wedding you have no choice but to respect her wishes.

helenhismadwife · 29/02/2008 15:44

I cant understand people who say 'ditch the friend' and 'she cant be that much of a friend'
or 'bridezilla' Its her and her dp day, they are planning it probably paying for it why should they not make the choices they want, for what is a very special day and if they dont want children there fair enough.

I hope if I was invited to a wedding by a friend who said they didnt want my dc to come I would have enough respect for them to accept their decision and not attempt to make them feel bad for the choices they were making. Any friend who cant do that is not really that good a friend IMO

As to making exceptions why? I think my children are all very special as do all parents but again wouldnt expect an exception to be made just for them, especially if it meant the risk of a friend upsetting family and other friends.

JingleyJen · 29/02/2008 15:51

I am not sure the extreme reaction is justified, to be sad your child isn't invited is understandable but if she is a friend I feel you should be understanding that planning a wedding is really complicated.

Potentially she has already had to have difficult conversations with other family members about why their gorgeous children aren't invited, so exceptions can't be made without causing major problems elsewhere.

When you are in the thick of any life event it is all consuming and she probably hasn't thought of the practicalities of you not bringing a tiny baby.

Send a card, smile and meet with her for a drink at a later date.

Sorry for not being able to feel more hardline about it.

Troutpout · 29/02/2008 16:00

Lucky escape i'd say
Doubt you will even remember the wedding when it comes to the time
Congratulations btw

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 16:00

I am now embarrassed to admit I was not keen on having children to my wedding. But as one guest had an infant of 6 weeks, my mum told her she could bring it, and it was fine.

A babe in arms on a milk only diet is a different kettle of fish to an older child on such an occasion.

That is the sort of thing you know when you have had children of your own, or had a lot to do with other people's children. I think your friend's fears are groundless and you are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately, she is probably acting out of ignorance and this "uninviting" will probably cool the friendship between you, which will be her loss.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:03

I really don't get this 'it's the bride's day' attitude - it's her wedding, but that doesn't make her the Queen.

I still maintain that a 2 week old baby is not going to be a nuisance or cause any disturbance. And easy to make an exception for a baby that young and not feel obliged to invite older children.

Elasticwoman · 29/02/2008 16:04

Agree Tortoiseshell.

Chequers · 29/02/2008 16:06

Message withdrawn

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 16:07

True. But the host is also supposed to be welcoming towards her guests, not hand them a list of rules and criteria that their invitation is conditional on.