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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, ANOTHER babies at weddings thread, but I would like your views on this - AIBU?

506 replies

champagnesupernova · 28/02/2008 22:41

I have a q good friend (ex-colleague, she was my boss but we've kept in touch) who's a good deal older than me, been big on career and so never got round to having kids.

Having been with her man for over ten years he finally gets round to popping the question and setting the date.

She tells me this the day I've arranged to meet her to tell her I'm pg with number 1. Big all round

Turns out the date of the wedding is 3-4 weeks after my baby's due.

As I said we're q good friends, so imagine my delight when a save the date card comes.

And then the invitation arrives addressed to Mr and Mrs Supernova (no mention of the bump, but it's not born yet)

I reply very early and in the reply card I put "Mr and Mrs Supernova and infant" and add a note saying I know planning a wedding is v complicated, just want to say that as it's so early and I"m planning on b/fing I'll have the baby with me, but I've heard they sleep for ages so hopefully it won't be a problem Wanted to check you're okay with this.

Met up with her today and said are you okay with this.

She's not and basically doesn't want us to come as she's worried about saying no to other people with babies and not us and annoying the other guests (most of whose kids will be grownup)

I am really really really by this.

She invited us. Knowing we were going to have a brand new baby. She could have just not invited us and said they were having probs with numbers and I wouldn't have been any the wiser. Now I feel that I've misread the invitation and that I've been UNINVITED.

AIBU?

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 29/02/2008 09:16

Well said pagwatch.
I don't see why people take such offence at not being able to take their children.
When you get invited to a wedding you are beign ivnited to help the bride/groom celebrate their special day.
And I'm sorry, but not everyone that decides they want their wedding to go the way they want is a bridezilla

BumperliciousNeedsaGlassofWine · 29/02/2008 09:17

Hmm, on this topic I am usually in the camp of tough, if they don't want kids there it's their wedding and their prerogative. And I don't buy into all this "weddings are a faaaaaaamily occasion" (tbh I would rather have had just friends at mine!). But I must admit she hasn't dealt with it very well, and she could have made an exception for such a new baby.

TBH you probably won't want to go at that stage anyway. You'll be knackered, bfing might still be at that "military operation" stage, none of your clothes will fit, and you won't be able to buy anything while you are pregnant as you have no idea what size you will be afterwards, you'll stress about having to shop for an outfit and cry because your body doesn't look like it did pre-pg (it will only be 4 weeks after so this is completely normal!), sounds like far more stress than it is worth. Don't go and just enjoy spending time with your baby.

Overrun · 29/02/2008 09:37

I am firmly on the fence on this one. At our wedding ds1 was only 10 weeks old, we had some one look after him during the short ceremony, and then we met up with him between that time and the meal, he was again with a babysitter, except for when I had to go out and bf him. ( I couldn't manage it in my wedding dress)
Anyway friends with babies were invited to everything but the ceremony. We just felt that most people would take a crying/screaming child out, but there is always some one who doesn't do this. That is usually peoples fear, that the baby will cry during the vows

peacelily · 29/02/2008 09:38

YANBU, we said no kids but made an exception for new borns, they're a different category. We didn't want to pay for extra people (would have been about 20 more places if kids had come) and a children's entertainer etc. But babes are different!! They sleep a lot, are only fed milk and can be carried/wheeled around unobtrusively.

And I think most parents have the presence of mind to take them outside if they start crying in the church/registry office.

All our friends WITH kids above 1 year were glad if the opportunity for a night off/getting pissed opp!

WallOfSilence · 29/02/2008 09:43

So far I have only had family weddings (brothers & sisters) & the kids have all been asked.

However niece gets married next year & we were all looking forward to a child free wedding as usually cousins aren't invited..just aunts & uncles.

However niece has told us that the kids are invited.

I am gutted! I was looking forward to a dirty weekend away with dh! In fact, I will maybe leave the kids with MIL anyway

la la la la la......

purpleduck · 29/02/2008 09:46
moljam · 29/02/2008 09:49

i dont think id want to go to a wedding that soon after having a baby-i looked like poo for atleast the first week(or should that be months)

tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 09:51

I am with pagwatch and motherfunk on this one. My hubby and I have been invited to a few wedding where our children are not and if we can't get a babysitter then usually one of us stays at home and the other goes off to enjoy the day. And sorry, but of course it is the brides right to invite whoever she wants without having to explain herself. The last wedding we went to the kids were rolling around on their 'heelies' on the dance floor !!!!! The bride and groom certainly regretted having them there.

moljam · 29/02/2008 09:51

btw i dont think yabu but i dont think your friend is either.if she has no children it may not have crossed her mind that youd be bf or that you may not want to leave a tiny baby to attend a wedding,i think it would be pointless fussing about it-stay at home and cuddle your baby

tootiredtothink · 29/02/2008 09:52

Not ours i hasten to add!!!!

DualCycloneCod · 29/02/2008 09:52

champagen dont go and bin her

CrushWithEyeliner · 29/02/2008 09:53

Yabu - it's her wedding you have to respect her wishes I'm afraid. It is really really stressful for the bride and maybe she thinks the baby will cry throughout the ceremony which to be fair is a valid worry. It's no one's fault, it's her day.
Also, I don't understand why you were annoyed with the invite to just you and your DH...

Tommy · 29/02/2008 09:54

not kidding at all.
I don't have a problem going to weddings without my children at all - I have been to several where they weren't invited which is fne with me but it's a bit different with a tiny baby isn't it?

Also - good point purpleduck. I took my grandmother to a wedding once and she was a right PITA - I spent all day in the toilet with her while she was throwing up (which she always did when she ate in public)- perhaps the bride and groom should have not invited her

sleepycat · 29/02/2008 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 29/02/2008 09:55

This is a totally different situation from that AIBU thread a few weeks back from that madwoman who was chucking a strop about her year old DS being "excluded" because a nanny was being provided for the 20 minute ceremony. Then, I thought she was being a diva - worse, actually, but the thread turned into a bit of a punch-up, with 1000 posts, 990 of which agreed she WBU. But this is a new-born, and she clearly doesn't appreciate that where you go, it goes. So, if she really doesn't want that, then you'll have to bow out.

2littlemonkeys · 29/02/2008 09:58

When i got married, i had a policy of family children only, i think its a nice excuss to have a night without the kids(dont shoot me lol) and at the time my dd2 was only 12 weeks.
If she new about the baby and wanted your lo to be there she would of put it on the invite, like others have said you probably wont want to go when the time comes anyway xx

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 29/02/2008 10:00

I'm quite shocked by all the bridezilla comments and that everyone's blaming the bride rather than the husband.

My partner and I are organising wedding in the spring and we have both agreed that it will be child free (for a number of reasons - mainly due to restrictions on numbers, the failure of some of the parents we're inviting to remove screaming children at previous weddings and so on). My partner actually feels more strongly about this than me.

We are however making an exception for a newborn baby, but tbh it's up to whoever is holding the wedding to invite who they want. It's not like its compulsory to attend - it's and invite

The problem with organising a wedding is that you can never please everyone. All my child free friends cheered when they foudn out that ours is an adult only event.

tortoiseSHELL · 29/02/2008 10:06

Just in addition to my previous post, I don't think that weddings SHOULD follow that pattern, but it's interesting how attitudes have changed so much in a generation. And with that how costs have spiralled!

But I still don't think it is the bride and groom's perogative to fail to consider anybody else in planning 'their' day.

When my children get married, there will be some of my friends who will want to come, that doesn't mean they can't have their own friends, but I would be very upset if any of my children said 'it's my day, you have no say in anything.'

cmotdibbler · 29/02/2008 10:10

You don't find OAPs sitting under the table colouring in your satin shoes/ screaming in the church cos they want sweets/ chucking their food at people though do you ?

I can quite see why people choose to have child free weddings, as if you want a formal occasion it is nice to be able to enjoy it in peace. Not all tiny babies will sleep peacefully through this sort of thing either.

If you don't want to go, then decline politely. End of.

CrushWithEyeliner · 29/02/2008 10:17

It's also true that you don't know what your baby is going to be like - they might be a screamer (like mine was) or just really unsettled in which case you just won't feel like it anyway. The bottom line is you just have to respect her wishes. I personally don't think she is being a bad friend at all..

Coolmama · 29/02/2008 10:18

I think yabu - remember that this is an invitation and not a Command Performance - a lot of posts have talked about being "expected" to attend - crap!!! - you are invited to an event and you can either go or not (for whatever reason) - what you should have done was politely decline with a note saying you much you would have loved to have gone etc, but with a nb and bf etc.etc. etc. Had she wanted to, she could then easily have called and said either please come or I understand, but you would not have put her in the awkward position she is now in - at the end of the day, it is an event she is organising and would like it a certain way - if you take offence at that, then that is your problem.

Squiffy · 29/02/2008 10:27

Cannot believe people get so uptight about all of this. It's their day, they're paying for it, it's their call. Just wish them well and don't go (guarantee you probably woudn't enjoy it anyway). It's not worth dropping this person over it.

Yes, she is being daft, but people without kids just don't realise that you can't leave a baby at that age. If I dropped my mates every time one of them was a bit thoughtless I'd be pretty lonely.

All it is is a ceremony where everyone pretends to sing songs where they half know the words (but the tune seems to have changed since they were at school), followed by lots of standing around with complete strangers making small talk whilst working out which of the guests are posh and which are chav, then you get a bit of beef which will be cold by the time it is served and some speeches where you don't the jokes. If you're lucky you can sit depressed at the side of the mobile disco whilst the 'mutton-dressed-as-lamb' tart from the wrong side of the family rubs up against daft old drunk uncle Ted on the dance floor.

IT ISN'T WORTH IT.

Even if your and baby were invited, I'd heartily recommend you stay home. I did an event with a 2 week old baby and hated it; strangers poring over my baby, no-where to feed him, I was knackered but had to stand round for hours in shoes that didn't fit me any more, wearing a horrendous outfit (you have no idea what shape you will be in beforehand), and all I wanted to do was slope home and sleep. All this whilst you are also secretly praying that your boobs won't start leaking.

FourPlusOne · 29/02/2008 10:47

I wouldn't take offence and I wouldn't go.

DS was a baby when we got married and so he was there, and my BF had a baby the same age so we said you can bring baby if you want (she wasn't BF by then so that wasn't an issue), or you can just come on your own and have a couple of hours to relax. Nieces and nephews came but they were all 6+ anyway so not an issue.

If the other guests had all been able to bring their children then I wouldn't have had room to seat them all! Numbers were quite low, and I knew that those I'd invited had children that were old enough to be left with babysitters. No one asked to bring their child.

As a mum, I would not mind a friend bringing a tiny baby because they were BFing, but I would also assume that they would not come that soon after the birth - I wouldn't want to go unless it was a family member or a very close friend.

Perhaps she just asked you to be polite after hearing you were pregnant, but did so on the assumption that you would probably politely decline!

FourPlusOne · 29/02/2008 10:50

When I say she wasn't BF by then I mean Breastfeeding - she was still my Best Friend! Apparently the baby did cry during the ceremony too, and had to be taken out, but I didn't notice a thing!

seanbonfire · 29/02/2008 10:53

i went to a very good friends wedding when my first baby was 4 weeks old. I was breast feeding so for tow weeks expressed one ounce at the end of each feed and froze them. Left DD with my delighted mam and two sisters(first grandchild!) with enough breastmilk for ten babies! Got dressed up did hair, had few drinks and a dance and had great time. Did me the world of good.

worst part was at about half eleven that evening sitting cubicle in loos using a syringe pump to express toxic breast milk. Not very glam........