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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

265 replies

TheyTriedToTakeDC · 17/08/2023 16:43

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 17/08/2023 16:47

You're not. You absolutely did the right thing.

fivetriangulartrees · 17/08/2023 16:50

Gosh, your parents have no idea, do they? What a relief that you now know their safeguarding procedure works.

fivetriangulartrees · 17/08/2023 16:50

But in answer to your question - of course you're not unreasonable.

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 17/08/2023 16:52

Your parents are being ridiculous. Besides, you had plans with your child!! Why were they trying to take her out for the evening when you said you already had plans?

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/08/2023 16:52

I'm sorry but why aren't you ripping your parents a new one? They asked to pick up, you said no. Them turning up anyway KNOWING they did not have permission is them abducting them. What would have happened when you turned up to collect them and they weren't there?

Don't apologise and let them play the victim here, rip them a new one about boundaries and how dare they pull shit like that after all the threats ex's family have made. I'd also be making it clear they won't be looking after them unsupervised again until you recieved a full apology.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 17/08/2023 16:53

YADNBU

Your step dad on the other hand…..

VeridicalVagabond · 17/08/2023 16:55

This would be inappropriate behaviour on their part even without all the stuff with your ex, you'd already said no to them picking your child up because you had plans.

With the additional ex situation (I'm so sorry by the way, that sounds awful) your parent's behaviour is downright appalling and they should be ashamed of themselves.

This has nothing to do with you trusting or not trusting them and everything to do with a violent abuser threatening to kidnap your child! If they can't see that then frankly, they shouldn't be trusted with DC.

Hummingbird89 · 17/08/2023 16:55

Even without the backstory with your ex, they are being unreasonable. You had plans!! Why the hell does their wish to see YOUR kids trump your plans? I would be fucking furious with them. Especially step dad.

Motomum23 · 17/08/2023 16:55

Err... your parents asked you if they could collect your DC. You said no thanks I've got plans with him/her and they thought bugger that we will take them anyway? And somehow you are in the wrong in their eyes! They sound like nutters and as bad as your EXPILS.

Neilsfavouritechilli · 17/08/2023 16:55

So you told your parents no and they went and tried to take your children out anyway? Despite knowing what you've been through and that you would have been terrified if you're kids weren't where they should have been? That's seriously awful behaviour and I'm not surprised with 'role models' like that, that you ended up in an abusive relationship.

MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress · 17/08/2023 16:57

You're not. Your experience reminded me of something that happened to a friend of mine: I can't remember the exact situation but her parents were looking after her very small dcs and decided unexpectedly they needed to go somewhere in their car. As this was unplanned, my friend had not left car seats with them. Friend's parents (usually very sensible) decided that as it was 'a one-off', the baby would be fine being held by the mum, and the toddler would be fine sat on a pile of towels in the back, wearing the adult seatbelt.
They were astounded when my friend lost her shizzle. It's really not you.

Owjrbvr · 17/08/2023 16:58

Even without the worry of who they might be have been I’d of been fuming that they went when you’d said no and caused such a fuss for police to be called; honestly who does that?

ChubbyMorticia · 17/08/2023 16:59

You said no. They tried to take your children anyway. That’s called KIDNAPPING. They’re no better than your ex and his family.

They're EXTREMELY lucky they weren’t charged.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 17/08/2023 17:00

'exactly how we thought it was'?!?!

How did you not reply to that with 'Good, I'm glad you now understand how utterly outrageous your behaviour has been.'

HyggeTygge · 17/08/2023 17:03

They tried to collect the kids knowing full well you did not give permission?
Yeah can see why they think you're the silly one... Hmm

i bet they're embarrassed and going into defensive mode. Well done to the HCL for sticking to protocol.

The fact they couldn't even act civilly enough to avoid the police being called into a childcare setting... ffs. Are you in a position to cool contact with them? I'd be on edge wondering what's next...

TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2023 17:05

Not only did they try to override your parental authority, abuse the staff and somehow find the audacity to blame you for their own poor and embarrassing behaviour but if they were successful they were going to let you get there and potentially have the scare of your life thinking your Ex may have abducted and trafficked your child?

What kind of grandparents do that op?
I wouldn't want to leave my children with them again.

JanieEyre · 17/08/2023 17:05

Have they explained WTF they were doing when you'd told them not to pick your child up today?

panko · 17/08/2023 17:08

They sound really thick to not understand this tbh

OriginalUsername2 · 17/08/2023 17:11

Boundaries crossed, goodbye any time with your child unattended.

When people are this unreasonable in public I always wonder what the hell they must do and say in private.

NaughtPoppy · 17/08/2023 17:12

Your parents are CRAZY and you’re lucky you haven’t lost your place at the holiday club due to this!
I’d be beyond furious if my parents did something like this and it would be a long time before I forgave them.

towriteyoumustlive · 17/08/2023 17:12

The only daft people in this situation were your parents!

Given the history of threats to kidnap and a court order in place, then WTAF was your mum thinking to turn up like that after you'd said no?!?! It makes no sense whatsoever.

Especially as you'd already made it clear you had plans for you and your DC!

It would have me thinking perhaps your EX had offered lots of money to them if they collect him to give him extra time with the DC.

I'd be wanting a full explanation of why they turned up after firstly you said no, and secondly you made it clear you had plans.

Comtesse · 17/08/2023 17:16

You are under reacting OP. This is awful
behaviour on their part. Getting the police called? Wtf! How dare they try to override this!

I think @Neilsfavouritechilli has a good point - you may have spent too much time with other abusive people in your family.

bridgetreilly · 17/08/2023 17:17

Huge kudos to the holiday club team for following the protocol through all that.

Did you not remind your parents that when they asked about picking the kids up you’d said no because you had other plans?! They need to understand that they can’t be spontaneous in this situation in order to ensure that the children are kept safe.

UsingChangeofName · 17/08/2023 17:18

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/08/2023 16:52

I'm sorry but why aren't you ripping your parents a new one? They asked to pick up, you said no. Them turning up anyway KNOWING they did not have permission is them abducting them. What would have happened when you turned up to collect them and they weren't there?

Don't apologise and let them play the victim here, rip them a new one about boundaries and how dare they pull shit like that after all the threats ex's family have made. I'd also be making it clear they won't be looking after them unsupervised again until you recieved a full apology.

This.

I mean, obviously YANBU to not let dc go with them, but YABU to not be being FAR more angry at them for a) turning up after you had said no b) disrupting the HC c) being so damned rude and aggressive to the HC staff d) questioning you about it afterwards.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:20

Well done to the Holiday Club staff.

However it does feel a little bit like two different reasons for not allowing your parents to collect are being confused here:

  1. You were worried that it was your Ex’s family masquerading as your parents in order to abduct DC
  2. You had told your parents that they could not collect DC as you had other plans.

While I fully understand that the first of these is a big risk and something of which you clearly, and justifiably, live in fear, could it not have been resolved by you calling your parents’ mobile and verifying that it was them at the school gate, then confirming this to the HCL.

It seems a bit to me as if you used the important safeguarding restriction in order to enforce your decision that your parents could not take DC out for the afternoon- it is annoying that they went against your wishes but not a safeguarding issue.