Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

YANBU

First of all its batshit insane that they think it's ok to come and take your child after you said no and you specifically told them you had plans.

But also, you really would think that after everything you've been through, they would be understanding of and supportive of safeguarding procedures.

I once taught a primary school child whose dad was somewhat similar to your ex except the dad was not allowed any contact with the child nor was he allowed to even know she went to that school.

Because of this we were on high alert and it was very important that she was only allowed to leave with two specific people (mother and uncle). We had a going home procedure for the whole class where they would line up and I would dismiss them one by one after seeing their grown up.

Just to make it easier for myself, I usually had her at the front of the line so it was in my mind but this day she wasn't. This girls uncle decided one day that he was far too busy to wait for 90 seconds and decided to walk over and take her off while I was waving at another parent. Absolute panic ensued. The police were called. I stayed at work until the late evening as we tried to locate this little girl.

When I found out it was her uncle who had taken her without saying anything he just shrugged and laughed it off.

Interestingly he was the one at the start of the year emphasising how important it was that we were extremely careful about who she was about to leave with. I was livid.

If something slipped through the net, and someone else did somehow did manage to collect your kid who shouldn't then I'm sure your parents would be right at the front of the line to make staff heads roll.

People in charge of safeguarding have a lot of responsibility and stress, knowing that getting something wrong can result in the absolute worst consequence. They absolutely do not deserve to be abused by your parents and I would be angry with them about this on top of everything.

How is your relationship with them usually? Honestly they sound a bit odd.

Let them have their tantrum if they want to. Everyone in the situation except for them was protecting your child. They were bulldozing boundaries and dismantling social norms. If they want to cut off their nose to spite their face by not babysitting and having less of a relationship with their grandchild then fine.

I mean, in your heart of hearts you must of known that it would be a MASSIVE coincidence for your ex’s parents to turn up pretending to be the other grandparents, on exactly the same day that your own parents had said they wanted to collect DC? You could have asked the HC to take a photo of the people who had turned up.

Your parents are being ridiculous. Ignore them

From the holiday club manager’s perspective that would have been ridiculous behaviour though - new mum says no one must collect child without permission and then at the first opportunity randoms are turning up to collect unannounced and mum says oh maybe they can actually, send me a photo?

I know I've already replied but I've been stewing on your post and getting angrier and angrier on your behalf.

Well he did call her and ask if she consented?

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I would firstly be funming they ignored me telling them No. If you say No its no.

Secondly your step father needs to apologise to the staff. I would be mortified if they treated someone like this, especially someone who is respecting my wishes and keeping my kids safe.

When my boy was 2.5 I still wasn't ready to leave him for the night but his dad took him camping anyway. My boy woke up at 5am a screamed down the whole camp site that he wanted his mummy, he was inconsolable for a very long time

She didn’t consent though, did she? She’d told her parents not to collect. No permission = no kid.

But you told your parents NO! So what tf were they thinking? They sound as bad as your ex-PIL's I'm sorry to say.

Are your parents used to getting their own way?

I have to do anti money laundering checks on people at work and I occasionally come across people like this who can’t see past the end of their own nose, and think if they say they haven’t got any ID but they’re 72 so do they really need ID that’ll be ok????

Well… no surprises how you ended up with a manipulative and dangerously abusive man… you were trained by your parents.

step back from them. Waaaay back. They have shown clearly that your wishes or safety are none of their concern. They totally overrode your express wishes and tried to con the childcare setting to take your kids.

Your reaction to what your parents have done and that you are now questioning yourself is telling. The way they dismiss your authority as a parent as well, you said no. Either they have your child so much that they are now confused and think they are her parents or they are very difficult people.

the baby would be fine being held by the mum, and the toddler would be fine sat on a pile of towels in the back, wearing the adult seatbelt.

@MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress this is pretty much what happens if you get a taxi with a baby and toddler (other than the towels).

Yes but that was not for safeguarding reasons, that was because she had other plans. What I am saying is that it’s not fair to use a holiday club as your enforcer in a minor disagreement with your parents.

And anyway my point was in response to another poster who said that the HC would not accept her saying “oh yes I know I said only I will collect, but these people are OK for DC to go with” because they called to ask and give her that opportunity instead of just giving a straight no.

HC manager shouldn't even confirm that the child is present. An abductor, knowing that the child is there, could try to find another way in to the building.

Basically, if anyone other than OP turns up asking for DC by name, HC staff should say "there is no child here by that name" or if unwilling to lie "client confidentiality means we can't confirm or deny whether a given child is present here". Staff should not be saying "yeah, Jane Doe is here but only her mum is allowed to collect her", never mind "can I take your photos to send to Jane's mother?".

I never fail to be shocked at how many people seem to have no understanding of basic operational security principles.

You and the holiday club both did the right thing. But as for you not being able to see them through the phone to verify it was them, why didn’t they just phone you from their own phone and say ‘look it’s us’? If they’d used a bit of common sense they could have avoided the police being called. Sounds like them backing away from you a bit isn’t such a bad thing really, they clearly don’t have enough boundaries.

Do they even believe the reasons for you being so careful?

They don't sound as though they do - especially if he thinks it's acceptable to shout at somebody who is doing everything absolutely right - could he actually be trusted to not think 'oh, well, we're grandparents, they're grandparents, it's only fair that they should see DC as well'?

I wouldn't be asking for any help ever again. Safer that way.

Or she could have called them?

OP told them not to collect DC today. Full stop. What part of this was unclear? They’ve got it on them themselves.

I wouldn't want my DC around your step dad. He doesn't sound well adjusted. I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised contact with your mum either

Which part of "OP did not want her DM and DSF to collect DC" did you fail to understand?

I didnt say she couldn’t. But they were the ones kicking up a fuss about not being believed.

I'd be going NC. They are batshit and it's no wonder you ended up with abusive H and ILS.

well done on turn ing out level headed and sensible against the odds!

Please send the staff flowers and chocs by way of thanks for dealing with this so well.

Sorry posted and then had to sort DC out.

Parents don't help out with DC much at all, for this reason, they like to override me and think they're in charge, like DC and my DNs are do-over DC for them. They think they should just be able to do whatever they want when they want with their GC without even thinking about it. They have picked up my DNs from school without telling my Step-sister before now, who was also upset about it but they just brushed it off and said it was a normal thing to do. They think as they're the grandparents their needs are the priority. They think any parents plans come second to the GPs. They always get annoyed on their friends behalf if the friends moan that their DC have taken the GC away and didn't consult on dates.

I am angry, but I have to stay calm for DC. DC was confused why their grandparents where there. All the children found it cool that the police where there though.

Police and HC where amazing. Police let DC and the others at HC sit in their car after it'd all quietened down. HCL was so professional and I am so glad that they follow the Safeguarding process. As I said, better to be safe than sorry!

Of course I knew when the HC called it was my parents, but there's always a niggle of doubt in my mind, yes it would have been a massive coindidence but I couldn't take that risk because the one time I let my guard down will be the one time it actually is ExH and his family. I doubt ExH or his family have spoken to my parents or bribed them, i just think they think they should be able to take my DC whenever they want to.

I will be cutting down on contact with them, I can't go completely NC due to my siblings and stepsiblings but I will go LC and only speak to them when I have to.