Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

This

How do you no the child wasn’t going to come to any harm? The grandad was shouting and swearing at the staff, clearly angry. Is that a good environment to throw children in to?

Good call going LC. A man whose behaviour in a child care setting is so poor that it results in a police call cannot be trusted around a child. And neither can the wife who sticks with such a man after he behaves that way in front of her.

The only "parents" who want "do-over kids" (nice phrase to describe that, I'm stealing it) are those who did parenting badly the first time around. Otherwise they'd have nothing to do over, would they?

When you email to commend the refusal to release, copy in the manager of the person who held that line.

To repeat what all the smart people on this thread have said: you are not being unreasonable and are correctly protecting your child.

He only kicked off after OP was called and said no. She has not mentioned any prior concerns about her parents spending to switch her child.

What absolute tosh
I'd have absolute faith in the HC that they will follow everything to the letter and have your parents card marked now

They are nuts - why would they go and attenpt to get your DC when you’ve already told them you had plans and had dinner booked (especially as they know the situation with your Ex).

I dont have your situation and no family issues, but I would be so annoyed if grandparent’s tried to pick up my child on a day I told them ive already got plans. Why didn’t they just suggest another day and you could have made an agreement with the holiday club or gone on pick up with them? Even without your situation, no holiday clubs should ever release children to anyone different to the normal parents who pick them up.

There’s over 2 weeks left of the holidays, i’d be asking them why they couldn’t just have offered another day instead of causing a major situation. No doubt the staff have been totally stressed out by it today aswell.

He still kicked off. He was still angry and abusive and trying to take a child he didn’t have permission to take. He is a grown adult responsible for his own actions. You are being a goady muppet on this thread. Are you the grandparent?

“Only”? Sorry but isn’t that crazy behaviour?
Normal people don’t kick off to the point police are called because they are reminded they’ve already been told no?

Who would she be confirming the parents' identity to if not the HC? I don't understand how you think the HC who have responsibility for the dc, can be left out of it?
Why would saying "i still don't want you to collect them" have any effect when she's said this already and been ignored? You seriously think the parents would say "oh yes of course" and go home?

No.

The kind of man who becomes abusive to child care staff in a child care setting in front of children is NOT A MAN WHO IS SAFE AROUND CHILDREN.

I repeat, because you clearly have comprehension difficulties: THE STEPFATHER IS NOT SAFE AROUND CHILDREN.

The OP is absolutely correct to refuse to let her mother and stepfather take her child.

His reaction to being told "no" is the problem. It doesn't matter why he was told "no", I repeat his reaction is the problem.

Ignoring the whole safeguarding, court order stuff.... your parents asked to pick up your children and you said no as it wasn't convenient. End of. Any normal person would say 'no problem' and re-arrange another day/time to see the grandchildren.

You're right to back right off from your parents too. I'd also look at trying some counselling (if you work then it might be available through your workplace).

Good luck OP (and yay for the holiday club staff).

Wow - so you would allow a young child to go with people that were behaving in a deranged manner and so abusive to staff that they called the police?

OK then - so ensuring the child's safety is not really your priority then?

His reaction is proof that he is dangerous.

His reaction is the problem.

At the point where OP was given the opportunity to resolve the situation by calling her parents, reassuring herself it was them, and saying that they could take the child, nobody was acting in a way that was inappropriate to be seen by a child.

She said herself that she would have been fine for her parents to collect the kid another day, so she was already planning to tell the HC to make an exception to the rule on another occasion and was happy for them to spend time with her DC.

The fact is that she used the HC to make a point to her parents about doing what they were asked, in circumstances where the rules about collection were in place for a completely different purpose.

I'd buy the HC staff some chocolates to say thank you, they did a good job

Exactly - I’d be very worried about his behaviour (and anger issues) if my child was in their care. He sounds unstable swearing at a staff member for doing exactly what they are trained to do (keeping the children safe).

Well done to the holiday club staff. I would be praising their vigilance and taking a very big step back from my parents doing any form of childcare (unless they can apologise to you and the holiday club staff and accept they were completely wrong).

This with bells on!
who the hell does he think he is to be swearing at Holiday Club staff and jeopardising your children's places there. Horrible behaviour anyway. Can't get what he wants, when he wants so stamps his feet and becomes aggressive.
Your DM and SF need re educating and I wouldn't be happy having your SF around your children if that is his example of adulting.

I'm so sorry that you have such an utter boundary crossing mum and step dad. You really could do without that on top of the psycho ex and his family!

YANBU. Gold stars all round to the holiday club and police.

It doesn't matter why she said no. She said "no" and he kicked off. His reaction is the problem.

The shit coming from your keyboard is a live demonstration of the first rule of misogyny, which states: "women are responsible for what men do". You are persistently blaming the OP for her SF's actions.

"If only she'd appeased him by letting him take the kid, he wouldn't have had to get abusive". This is exactly the "logic" that violent men use to justify their battery of their wives. Shame on you for perpetuating this bullshit.

This!

To make it absolutely fucking clear, it is not the responsibility of the OP to manage her SF's temper. It is especially not appropriate for her to use her CHILD as an anger management tool in the way that @RoadSignFool is suggesting that she should have done.

OP didn't give her parents permission to pick up on that day. Whether it was because of safeguarding or because she had plans the fact remains they didn't have permission to pick the kids up.

Are you suggesting she should have confused matters further by saying the GP are not a risk, but still couldn't take the kids?

Or that she should have internally said "fuck it, they're at the HC already. Never-ending I told them no, have plans and paid more to arrange this - if they want to pick up the kids I'll let them to avoid the possibility they cause a scene".

OP, I am absolutely flabbergasted! But you don't seem to be, which suggests you've put up with so much of this nonsense that it's normalised for you. The fact you're evening wondering whether you might have done something wrong suggests the same!

For the record, I am very close with my mum and would trust her with my and my DC's lives; she is very involved with my DC and i have no background worries with other people trying to take my DC like you have. She would still never DREAM of trying to pick up my DC when I'd said no, for any reason. She certainly wouldn't stand there arguing with the childcare provider safeguarding my DC, let alone be so abusive and belligerent that the police are called! Let alone send me a text attempting to guilt me for her appalling behaviour afterwards!

This is really shocking and your mum and stepdad clearly have a gigantic sense of entitlement, very little sense and absolutely no manners! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else but if you need to know, you are 100% in the right!

SF was so aggressive to the HC staff that they felt the need to call the police. That is not someone I would want around my young child.