Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

Well said.

Yes, and this!

You put yourself in the shoes of a holiday club leader who has just had a massively stressful afternoon which ended up with the police being called, no doubt in full view of all the other parents at pickup, kids being locked down in another room, no doubt a report to write etc etc.

Oh well, you think, it was all worth it though, to make sure that the child was not abducted by their violent and abusive father or his family. That’s why we have to be so very careful.

So when it turns out you were actually just refereeing a completely avoidable tiff between the mother and her parents, you’re going to feel very taken advantage of.

Yes your parents were silly.

What with an abusive ex on a power trip, a twat for a step father and a dm who seems as bright as a candle, you really have your work cut out.
Tbh I wouldn't trust any of them to get a bag of rubbish to the dustbin, let alone your precious dc.

Quite the unnecessary drama.

@RoadSignFool yes it was completely avoidable.

It was avoidable by her parents adhering to her clear instructions that they were not to collect her child from the HC today!

It was avoidable by her stepfather keeping his cool, talking calmy, and respecting other people's boundaries.

It was avoidable by her mother and stepfather remembering that she has very good cause not to allow anybody else to pick up.

Your parents sound batshit crazy. And their trying to hold their "help" over your head now is controlling. I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms how angry I was with their ridiculous behaviour, and I'd also contact the HC to thank them.

Actually, despite how stressful this must have been for you, I think it’s quite good this happened.

Firstly you now know that this holiday club understands the safeguarding, have a workable policy in place and staff who are capable of recognising and enforcing it. Buy them a present, write the management a thank you letter and use them for all of their future childcare! Your child is safe here.

Secondly you know that your mum and step dad don’t understand the importance of cast iron safeguarding in this situation. Even if you discount the poor behaviour, they really evidently don’t understand why they can’t pick your son up from holiday club without planning and permission? This is hugely dangerous in terms of safeguarding your child and now you know.

Without this understanding they pose a huge risk to your son. What if his dad saw them at soft play or a playground? Would they let him play with ds because they were supervising? Can he run faster than them? What if ds grandad offered to buy them all lunch? Would they accept because they were there to supervise for ds sake? If he was lovely all lunchtime would they let him take ds to the toilet by himself?

In some ways the awful behaviour is your friend here - they can’t pick ds up from club even with your permission because they are now banned which avoids a very awkward conversation. But I wouldn’t be leaving ds with them unsupervised again.

So how do you reconcile your interpretation with the part of the OP where she says that she had told her mother and stepfather that she was happy for them to take the child another day?

I agree that you need to have a massive chat with your parents about how wrong they were in doing what they did, ex or no ex.

But mostly I want to say GOOD ON THAT HOLIDAY CLUB LEADER.

They have done an outstanding job today in protecting your child. Please make sure they and their team somehow get the recognition they deserve. An email to head office/management if they have one. A big tub of chocs from you for them and the team.

You must be relieved to know they hold firm when they need to, given the situation with your ex.

Again, you are blaming the OP for the fact that the police were called. It is the SF's fault that the police were called, he was the one who turned abusive.

You are doubling down on blaming the OP for her SF's behaviour. Your posts are an instructive demonstration of how the first rule of misogyny is so ingrained in people's thinking that they think that appeasing a abusive male by giving that male unsupervised access to a child is somehow reasonable.

If I was the HC manager, I would understand perfectly why the OP didn't want her DC being collected by the SF after he had demonstrated in front of me that he turns into an abusive wanker thw second a woman says "no" to him. I would fully support the OP.

Don't be so stupid!

Most likely by engaging ones brain and noting that OP said that BEFORE the stepfather has such an aggressive outburst they showed themselves to be someone the kids should not be entrusted to

another person wanting to add to praise for the holiday club, who did everything right in a very difficult situation- if I was OP, or indeed another parent of a child there, I would be very, very pleased with their response and I would be thanking them formally and with a bunch of flowers or similar

I think we’ve found *OP’s parents, hello @RoadSignFool

Because the OP clearly wasn't aware of that aspect of her SF's behaviour then. She is aware of it now and has said that she is going LC with him. They won't now be taking that child another dat.

Because the OP had already told her M and SF "no" and by turning up to collect anyway they displayed a massive red flag of ignoring her boundaries about her own children. You say "reiterating to them that she did not allow them to collect": she shouldn't have to "reiterate" anything because the first no should be enough.

Because the HC shouldn't release a child to a non-parent without parental consent, no matter what the reason is.

oh my god wtaf do people think they are??? so what if they are grandparents. you said NO. End of. tell ur folks if they ever undermine you like that again it will be the last they see u and ur child. how fking dare they? i'm so mad for you.
you have to tell them how disrespectful they are. don't even give them a chance to explain.
tell the nursery if that ever happens again with anyone, no matter who, to phone police straight away. how absolute date they. and as for the other family. my child wouldn't be anywhere near they violent fuxks either. do not be a doormat to this lot. what a load of crazy's, YOUR child is better away from them.
i don't know if it's just today or what but man seems to be more full of crazy ass self entitled folk than normal. the world has gone nuts for sure.

OP - I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your parents were completely in the wrong by disrespecting your boundaries. When you take into account your trauma history though, and their current attempts to gaslight you, their behaviour has been appalling.

I think @RoadSignFool is having a grand old time on here and I suggest people join me in putting an end to his fun by not engaging with his silliness further!

Well done, OP. Have a stiff drink and carry on!

What you are saying would make sense if I was trying in any way to make excuses for her vile ex husband and his family. I am not.

I am not even trying to excuse the stepfather’s behaviour. He absolutely behaved appallingly by not taking no for an answer. But the fact remains that she is claiming that she said no because she was afraid that the people at the gate were her ex or his family masquerading as her parents. She had an easy way of checking yay. But it was more convenient not to check that so she could make a point to her parents about not ignoring her instructions.

…and your Mum.

How awful for you to have lived with this angst for years on end. Im glad to hear that the safe guarding arrangements held strong and the police were called. Your Mother and Step-father are so out of line and I include threat that future support is jeopardised. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. They are unkind and selfish and if you can get by without using them for childcare in any way then I would do without them personally and they should only see the children when you’re there to protect your children. I believe what they have done as you’ve written it is that bad.

@crazeekat Unfortunately ExH and his family have court ordered contact with DC so I can't stop them

I can however cut right down on contact with my parents. I can't go completely NC as I have siblings and step-siblings who I see and get invited to parties of that my parents will be at. But I will only ever be civil from now on.

I'd be angry with them for so many reasons listed by pp's already. My parents would never pick up my child from school if I'd said no. And the cheek of being annoyed when you then said no again, when school rang you. And the added risks you've outlined. Unbelievable. Agree they sound incredibly thick as well not to understand this.