Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

YADNU. I’m a bit in disbelief that anyone thinks you are. And using reasons such as “using police resources unnecessarily” is such a joke, the police wouldn’t have needed to be called if step dad hadn’t been an abusive a hole to the poor club leader. They were not called because of OP, they were called because of her step dads behaviour.

The police being called could have been avoided by her step dad not behaving like a dickhead and any suggestion that the OP could have avoided the situation by placating him is ridiculous to put it simply. It’s not her responsibility to placate a grown adult to make sure he doesn’t blow his top.

OP, I repeat, YADNU.

Another reason why it was so important that OP said no when the HC called (rather than call her mum to confirm who it was) is that she was showing HC she is serious about the elaborate safeguarding set-up.

It could have undermined the procedures she's had put in place if she'd said 'oh yes that's fine' when some family turned up at random without prior arrangement or permission. It could give the HC the impression that the safeguarding arrangements don't need to be so strict.

Have RTWT and you were 100% in the right OP

Someone who thought of an op-sec consideration that I didn't think of myself: consistent application of the policy.

Finally, a worthy opponent.

I mean the OP's policy.

Your parents must know you have a problem with your ex dh and should know you have to be cautious. It’s a horrible thing to live with but it will get better op as your DC gets older the worry will lessen.

It sounds as if both the Holiday club staff and the police were magnificent.
Please e-mail their head office to praise them, plus taking them in some chocs or something.

The tantrum only happened AFTER OP needlessly delegated communication with her parents to the poor person on the door.

I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it.

So your parents felt entitled to scupper your plans for a nice meal out with your own DC because they decided they wanted "a lovely evening with their grandchildren.

They then proceed to try to undermine the very sensible security precautions you have in place due to a very real threat to your DC and, when the nursery staff didn't play ball, became so abusive that police were called. I would imagine that your DC may well have heard all this.

Then they try to blackmail you into backing down and giving in to their ridiculous demands.

Crikey, OP, your parents owe you a HUGE apology! I wouldn't be asking them for any help in future. In fact, I would very likely never let them near my DC again.

So she had a legitimate reason to fear that it might be her ex-H

It wasn't needless. She had already told them once. What makes you think that they would heed her the second time after ignoring her the first time?

You should also read Seagullchippy's post. I'll quote the key part: It could have undermined the procedures she's had put in place if she'd said 'oh yes that's fine' when some family turned up at random without prior arrangement or permission. It could give the HC the impression that the safeguarding arrangements don't need to be so strict.

There's another aspect to this.

Imagine that OP does as you say and phones the GPs to say "please confirm your location", but it is the ex-H's parents there. Whilst she is on the phone to GPs and HC are waiting for her to call back, ex-H's parents are in that building for longer. It gives them more time to observe and try to memorise what it looks like internally for a later abduction attempt. It gives them a chance to summon ex-H who is waiting outside to attempt to force past the staff and abduct the child. It gives them longer to call the child's name to lure him/her out. So by the time the OP calls HC back to say "nope, those people are not GPs", the truly dangerous people have been in the building an unnecessarily long time. Immediate refusal to release means that HC can start getting the ex-H's parents out immediately, should it be them.

Seriously, think op-sec, people.

Also. HC may even want to raise SF's behaviour as a safeguarding concern. If not this time it may have been noted. OP behaving correctly and holding firm boundaries will be in her favour as HC will see she is capable of protecting her child . Im glad OP plans to make rhis clear to H C.

I'm sure it's been said but sadly your parents sound just sound what are we allowed to say? Thick? Stupid? Totally lacking in empathy, sympathy...

The poor hc....

What the GPs are is arrogant fools. This type will do stupid things just to prove they are right.

OP says 'don't take DC to XYZ place because exH family sometimes call in there'.

Normal GP thinks 'noted' and asks if ABC place is okay instead.

Arrogant fool thinks 'We are definitely going to XYZ place and we will show OP that she is being silly'

Expecting OP to change arrangements on the fly A) undermines safeguarding arrangements B) stops OP from checking GPs' plans.

You’re determined to blame the OP.

I have been the emergency pick-up person on occasion. If I’d got to the door and discovered there’d been a mix up and HC staff wouldn’t allow me to pick DF’s child up, (but DF was on her way) I would never have dreamt of screaming at the staff, or being so abusive that the police had to be called.

The GP knew they were in the wrong. That’s why they escalated; to force compliance. And the HCL were utterly correct to phone the OP away from the strangers (to them) arriving to take children with a CAO. Delegating communication wasn’t needless; it’s good safeguarding to avoid a situation where the responsible parent might be threatened into compliance.

None of which will make any difference to you, because you’re determined to blame the OP, rather than recognising that the GP were the ones at fault.

Police where absolutely fine and did not tell me their time had been wasted. Both HC and Police posted the photos of the children on their social media no mention of the incident, just a "Police popped into holiday club today and all the children got a turn in the car". I even told Police and HC "Yes these are my parents" "I'd already said no to them turning up to get DC today".

HC are fabulous, they also crop children out of photos or cover faces. They generally take childrens safety a priority.

But she didn't delegate the communication. She told her parents no earlier in the day. The HC then reiterated that. Regardless of whether they knew this was DC's grandparents or not, HC and OP were both clear that there was no agreement in place for the grandparents to collect the child.

Honestly it sounds as though you think OP should have wasted her money, allowed her parents to bully and manipulate her and set a concerning precedent with the HC around releasing the kids all to avoid her parents bad behaviour. If that is because you would take this approach in the sake circumstances I hope you are working on yourself with a view to correcting that because its not a healthy adult response.

Where did she "delegate" communication? I would say she was very clear. She said no. The GPs turned up knowing full well that OP had said no. The GPs are responsible for their own extreme behaviour that threatened staff to the extent that they called police.

Why aren't the GPs responsible for behaving reasonably in your scenario? Why aren't they to blame for turning up knowing that OP had said no? Yet your "solution" is that OP should give in to blackmail and tantrums

You are turning yourself inside out trying to make it OP's fault and think she should have allowed her child to go with people that were behaving irrationally just to keep the peace.

hi op i hope u managed to have a fab evening with your child yesterday.
what an absolutely carry on.
i've came back to see how you are cos i was really was so angry at how you were treated by your parents. the whole adacity and nerve of them.

i hope u managed to get a rest, and chat with friends or siblings about it all. i think ur decision to go LC is very warranted. i also think you should be so proud of yourself for following through with the nursery and their protocols and procedures in place and not deviated from them for sake of your ignorant rude af parents.

can i just say we were speaking about your situation at work last night. nurses, doctors healthcare workers with lots of childcare places in situ, over 20 people all agreeing you did the absolute right thing and they would all do the same. we were all raging for you. you will be supported from the holiday care group , they will be discussing you today i'm sure and they will not exclude your LO in the future because of this, don't worry about that. i do think they should be commended by following protocols and getting police involved. some of these places have just young girls working, your dad was trying to intimidate them, and your mum encouraged it. still cannot believe they actually crossed the line and still went to get ur child out. honestly raging so much at that. cannot think of another word how soo disrespectful that is. i understand as well about the court thing with the other grandparents. what a shame having to do
this which is why i'm so annoyed ur folks putting you through even more.

just wanted to see if you are alright. hope things get better for you now.

and also, to wider MN why the hell are we still entertaining this clown roadsignview?? clearing someeone needing a lot of attention and getting it by using someeone else's unfortunate situation to wind everyone up .he/she knows well op is vulnerable right now, has had a traumatic stressful scare and is going out of the way to blame her. please ignore this asshole. clearly just writing things for a
reaction.

Op hope u have a better day than yesterday. well done again.

HC has no choice. The police were called, so they must inform Ofsted and the Local Authority.

That's another reason it was essential that Op stood her ground. It demonstrates to social services that she will keep her children safe.

This! Lovely piece, agree 100%. Hope you are ok OP.

Bullshit! Op clearly told her parents they could not take her child out of daycare. What exactly do you find difficult here? You want mothers over ruled on what happens to their kids by their own parents! FFS wake up and smell the distaste on Mumsnet for your views.

Are you for real RoadSignFool? Clearly not the only sort of fool….

If not even OP has suggested she thinks her parents are an actual danger to her kids it's a bit OTT for you to decide that they are. You're being ridiculous to "suspect" things based on absolutely nothing.

Do you work for police resourcing? Because I have and it's a fact that attempted kidnap by an unknow person would rank significantly higher than grandparent arguing with childcare club.

It doesn't mean police time was wasted, and in this particular circumstance, if the police had time to take some of the kids out in the car after the incident, they clearly had capacity, -however if there had been another serious incident that hadn't got resourced because they had prioritised this based on false information that could have serious consequences.