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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

265 replies

TheyTriedToTakeDC · 17/08/2023 16:43

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

OP posts:
Tonightsthenight91 · 17/08/2023 17:48

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/08/2023 16:52

I'm sorry but why aren't you ripping your parents a new one? They asked to pick up, you said no. Them turning up anyway KNOWING they did not have permission is them abducting them. What would have happened when you turned up to collect them and they weren't there?

Don't apologise and let them play the victim here, rip them a new one about boundaries and how dare they pull shit like that after all the threats ex's family have made. I'd also be making it clear they won't be looking after them unsupervised again until you recieved a full apology.

This!

Cornishclio · 17/08/2023 17:48

Your ex PIL and your DP both sound as if they have problems with boundaries. We have DGDs and would not dream of picking them up from school or HC without explicit permission or a request from our DD or SIL. Who overrides the parent and does what they want anyway?

Good the HC system works though. Hopefully in future they will remember and not do it again.

haXXor · 17/08/2023 17:48

FFS @RoadSignFool on Mumsnet of all places, you'd think a mother's "no" about her own DC would be respected.

MeridianB · 17/08/2023 17:48

They asked, you declined and offered alternatives, they knew better and didn’t like it when rightfully prevented. Have they got form for this?

YADNBU. I’d leave them to stew for now. They owe you an apology and an explanation.

Mbop · 17/08/2023 17:49

I'd reply and say that you refused their offer to pick DC up for the very reason and you are very embarrassed by their behaviour towards someone who was doing their job and protecting their DGC!

Dixiechickonhols · 17/08/2023 17:50

Your parents are 100% in wrong
I’d be thanking by email holiday club for their adherence to safeguarding it sounds like they took threat very seriously. They should get recognition for that from management.

FrustatedAgain · 17/08/2023 17:52

Your mother and step father went against what you said and clearly don’t respect you, your step father then behaved in a manner at a children’s club that made them feel they needed to call the police. I don’t think I’d want them looking after my children again anyway. You definitely aren’t unreasonable and shouldn’t be apologising to them.

LizzieSiddal · 17/08/2023 17:53

@TheyTriedToTakeDC I will be cutting down on contact with them, I can't go completely NC due to my siblings and stepsiblings but I will go LC and only speak to them when I have to.

That is an excellent decision. After everything you and your Dc have been through with the violent Ex, your parents should be 100% supporting you. They aren’t, they’re making your life worse! You’re doing the best thing for your Dc and they most certainly are not.

JaukiVexnoydi · 17/08/2023 17:53

You did the right thing.
HCL did the right thing.
Your mum and Stepdad are batshit for pulling this stunt. You had plans. You had told them no, and they went ahead anyway. That's so disrespectful and also irresponsible because if they had been allowed to do what they wanted it would have put your DC at risk if the even-worse and more dangerous other grandparents tried to do similar.

It's totally ok for them to offer less childcare in future to "punish" you for putting your child's safety above their ego.

Ellie1015 · 17/08/2023 17:53

Yanbu and after their behaviour i would never be leaving children with them. And i would be mortified so would not arrange for them to be at school or holiday clubs again either.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 17:53

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 17/08/2023 17:40

the baby would be fine being held by the mum, and the toddler would be fine sat on a pile of towels in the back, wearing the adult seatbelt.

@MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress this is pretty much what happens if you get a taxi with a baby and toddler (other than the towels).

No. It would still be catastrophic if there was an accident (even though in a taxi it's perfectly legal)

NaughtPoppy · 17/08/2023 17:54

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:41

Yes but that was not for safeguarding reasons, that was because she had other plans. What I am saying is that it’s not fair to use a holiday club as your enforcer in a minor disagreement with your parents.

And anyway my point was in response to another poster who said that the HC would not accept her saying “oh yes I know I said only I will collect, but these people are OK for DC to go with” because they called to ask and give her that opportunity instead of just giving a straight no.

Show quote history

I’m not saying the manager wouldn’t accept the permission over the phone, I’m saying it would damage the relationship between parent and club.

The safeguarding rule is that only people with prior permission collect this child. Mum has made a big deal about it and said it’s very important. If mum then starts backing down and actually giving permission over the phone to whichever unknown family members show up demanding the kid, the manager will start to wonder if this rule is important or not.
It’s like parents who insist their child is allergic to dairy and must have a strict allergy diet, but want them to be given ice cream if all the others kids get one so they don’t feel left out. Is it a rule or not?

Grand/step parents who would try to collect a child without permission, kick off at the staff and need to have the police called to deal with them don’t sound like safe people to hand a child to anyway, so OP did the right thing to refuse permission.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:54

haXXor · 17/08/2023 17:48

FFS @RoadSignFool on Mumsnet of all places, you'd think a mother's "no" about her own DC would be respected.

Look, this was the equivalent of calling the fire brigade to get your ball down from a tree.

She could have made life much easier for everyone by the very simple method of calling her parents to confirm it was them at the gate. Then either giving permission to them to collect and discussing with them later, or reiterating to them that she did not allow them to collect. Not dragging the HC into it.

Tinkerbyebye · 17/08/2023 17:54

You are not the bad guy, you absolutely did the right thing and it’s very sad your mother and stepfather can’t see that

that said I would be concerned about the fact your SF got so angry that the police had to be called, he’s no example, didn’t listen to you when you said don’t go, and I am afraid they would no longer be picking up the child, ever, and would only be seeing them in my company

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/08/2023 17:56

First of all, well done holiday club staff.

Your parents behaved like idiots. Do they not realise the real danger that your children are in?

Also, you’d actually said no to them collecting, so even if you had been able to see them, presumably it would still be a no?

Do they have form for walking all over your boundaries? This could have contributed directly to you ending up in an abusive controlling relationship, as you had learned to give in to others and doubt yourself rather than be firm.

JudgeAnderson · 17/08/2023 17:56

She could have made life much easier for everyone by the very simple method of calling her parents to confirm it was them at the gate. Then either giving permission to them to collect and discussing with them later, or reiterating to them that she did not allow them to collect. Not dragging the HC into it.

She had already told them no yet there they were. Plus you read the description of her stepfather's escalation. No way were her parents going to trot off quietly.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:56

If mum then starts backing down and actually giving permission over the phone to whichever unknown family members show up demanding the kid, the manager will start to wonder if this rule is important or not.

That’s a stretch. The manager is more likely to refuse to take the kid in the club again if the parent puts him in a situation where he is being abused because she refused to verify heh identity of her own parents.

TeaKitten · 17/08/2023 17:57

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:54

Look, this was the equivalent of calling the fire brigade to get your ball down from a tree.

She could have made life much easier for everyone by the very simple method of calling her parents to confirm it was them at the gate. Then either giving permission to them to collect and discussing with them later, or reiterating to them that she did not allow them to collect. Not dragging the HC into it.

Show quote history

It’s not dragging HC into is, she has paid them to look after her child, they are in the middle of it. OP is a domestic abuse survivor trying to protect her kids, yet you insist on blaming her for this situation that her parents caused! They did not have permission to remove her children, they were abusive to the HC to the point that the HC were forced to call the police! How is this OPs fault? Are you just being goady on purpose?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/08/2023 17:58

LizzieSiddal · 17/08/2023 17:53

@TheyTriedToTakeDC I will be cutting down on contact with them, I can't go completely NC due to my siblings and stepsiblings but I will go LC and only speak to them when I have to.

That is an excellent decision. After everything you and your Dc have been through with the violent Ex, your parents should be 100% supporting you. They aren’t, they’re making your life worse! You’re doing the best thing for your Dc and they most certainly are not.

I agree that’s an excellent decision to go LC

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:58

JudgeAnderson · 17/08/2023 17:56

She could have made life much easier for everyone by the very simple method of calling her parents to confirm it was them at the gate. Then either giving permission to them to collect and discussing with them later, or reiterating to them that she did not allow them to collect. Not dragging the HC into it.

She had already told them no yet there they were. Plus you read the description of her stepfather's escalation. No way were her parents going to trot off quietly.

Which is why it was easier for all concerned for her to let the parents take the kid and deal with it later without causing the HCL to be abused and call the police. The child was not going to come to any harm, OP was just pissed off because she’d booked a table at Pizza Express and didn’t want to invite her parents.

Busubaba · 17/08/2023 17:58

If it was a mix up of dates and they had the wrong day when they went to pick their grandchild up I could understand the confusion but they had rang and asked and you had said no you had plans, what about another day?

They ignored this and went to the school.

They then caused a stink.

I wouldn't bother with them again.

Thoughtful2355 · 17/08/2023 17:58

I'd be packing my kids up and going NC with the lot of them

mummyh2016 · 17/08/2023 17:59

They're fucking batshit, I cannot believe they're trying to turn this around and make you the bad guy. I would be furious.
Depending on how often you have to rely on them I would definitely take a step back. It's all well and good other posters saying go NC but in real life if going NC means you're going to have to reduce your hours to cover childcare which could mean you're going to struggle to pay your rent/mortgage it's not realistic.
Next time your child is at HC I would maybe take something in for the staff along with a thank you card/note. Whilst it wasn't your fault they were called twats your parents won't be offering anything in the way of an apology.

RoadSignFool · 17/08/2023 17:59

TeaKitten · 17/08/2023 17:57

It’s not dragging HC into is, she has paid them to look after her child, they are in the middle of it. OP is a domestic abuse survivor trying to protect her kids, yet you insist on blaming her for this situation that her parents caused! They did not have permission to remove her children, they were abusive to the HC to the point that the HC were forced to call the police! How is this OPs fault? Are you just being goady on purpose?

Show quote history

“I could not see down the phone” is an utter bullshit justification regardless of the backstory.

InSpainTheRain · 17/08/2023 17:59

YANBU. Your DM and StepDad sound bonkers, like they don't understand anything about the whole situation. I also feel sorry for staff.as.well.as you - there was.no reason for step dad to get vetbally abusive.