Parents tried to pick DC up from holiday club when I didn’t ask them to and I’m in the wrong!

[TheyTriedToTakeDC]

Background: Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control. In the proceeding year he threatened me and threatened to kidnap DC (aged 2 at the time) and take them abroad so I never saw them again. He then repeated the threats in court for the CAO, his dad also got me in a headlock outside court and threatened to kill me so that (quote) “DC was in their rightful home with their father” because of this ExH, and Ex-PILs are banned from picking DC up from school or childcare.

ExH does have supervised contact, it’s supervised by another member of his family who’s never threatened me and I am happy to supervise but they do not have permission to take DC without me knowing either.

Every activity club, childcare or holiday club as well as DCs primary school I’ve shown the CAO to has always said “Unless we have verbal confirmation from you while your stood in front of us, we will not release DC to anyone but you”.

I love doing school or holiday club (HC) run so I don’t ask others to the pick-up. I like hearing about DCs day. Occasionally I’ve needed someone else to pick DC up so I will tell the club or ring school to let them know. In an emergency there is a process in place so school/holiday club can verify that it’s a genuine emergency situation and take DC. There is one other person I add to the pick-up list in case on an emergency, a cousin of mine whose also got DC at the same school.

Today DC was at HC while I worked. Parents rang at lunch to ask if they could pick DC up, I said no as I had booked to take DC out for dinner immediately after HC and I’d paid a bit more for them to stay until 4.15pm (normal pick up is 3.15pm) but if they wanted to pick up or have DC another day let me know and I’d arrange it. It’s a new holiday club for this year that parents haven’t been to or picked up from before.

They decided to go anyway and get DC.

I say get DC; they didn’t manage it. HCs safeguarding protocol kicked in, they moved DC and the other children into another room and rang me, when I said I was on my way to get DC and I didn’t give permission for DC to go with anyone else but me.

Of course, HC Lead (HCL) said this to my parents, who started shouting and saying it was ridiculous as they’re DCs grandparents and if they bought DC to them DC would confirm who they were. HCL apparently said if they could prove they have PR they’d let DC leave. This annoyed my stepdad and he apparently swore and called the HCL a t**t. HCL said if parents didn’t calm down the police would be called, and they didn’t so police where called.

I got there at same time as police, my stepdad especially is still wound up shouting and swearing. When I got there he said “See mums here now she’ll tell you who I am”.

It was all sorted out quite quickly, HCL explained to police and I showed the court order and I also had to prove who I was via ID (which is fine, I have no issue with this and carry my driving license for this purpose). DC was brought to me and we went out to eat. Police decided not to take it any further and HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive.

I’ve had a long text from my mum saying that it was a bit daft, I could of given permission over the phone for them to take DC and they could have had a lovely evening with DC and bought them home to me. They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help and this has tarnished their thinking of me as they now think I don’t trust them with DC.
I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Why am I the bad guy for protecting my DC? AIBU to have not let DC go with them?

But the fact remains that she is claiming that she said no because she was afraid that the people at the gate were her ex or his family masquerading as her parents.

Please quote the part of the OP's posts, the actual sentence, where she says that, because I'm not seeing it.

I’d be buying the HC a box of choc to share as a thank you

@RoadSignFool Did you miss the part where they will do this again and again? They think they should be priority over any plans. Thats why I offered another day/time that was better for me or DC. DC is not back at school until 7th September so they have nearly 3 weeks they can take DC out for the evening but instead they decided that their need to see DC took priority over my plans.

Your parents turning up to collect on days that don’t suit you is a totally different risk though to the one from your ex and his family.

That is nice to hear that the HC were following procedures and rang you. Some might not for an easy life.
Your parents are nut jobs and if they can’t see the safeguarding issues then they do not deserve to ever be involved. Normal parents would be totally supportive of you and understand why such protocols are in place (namely to protect their dgd) and they would respect your wishes when you’ve already said no to picking her up. I hope HC call the police again if they ever set foot in there!

from reading on child abduction nothing is impossible when someone is determined to steal
a child. violence; lies, manipulation, everything is possible. if you've not been in that situation you won't know the fear and what ifs. i have been in this situation. it is scary as fk and nothing makes sense. her parents are the only ones in the wrong here. don't give her doubts. she said no. that meant no last i checked.

But the fact remains that she is claiming that she said no because she was afraid that the people at the gate were her ex or his family masquerading as her parents. She had an easy way of checking yay. But it was more convenient not to check that so she could make a point to her parents about not ignoring her instructions.

Let's pretend that the OP was using the HC that way. The alternative was to let her M and SF overrule her no about her own child again. Why should she have to do that? Why is it her responsibility to do that? Why isn't it their responsibility to behave properly? Why isn't it their responsibility to respect the first "no"?

Safeguarding starts with boundaries being set and respected. The HC staff will understand that. They will recognise the narcissistic behaviour of the M and SF. They will recognise that the OP saying "no" and having that respected is just as critical to safeguarding as not letting ex-H collect the child.

HCL said it would be forgotten about despite them being abusive

That's actually very generous of them, but while they may not take any action the chances of it being literally "forgotten" are nil

Any tiny shread of sympathy with your mum and stepdad - not that there was much - went when you said he'd sworn at the staff and called them a t*at

Quite what your mum's doing with someone like this is anyone's guess, but he's not a type I'd want around my DCs and frankly I'd be telling her exactly that

YANBU

Your DPs have shown they are untrustworthy. From the outside I would not trust them regarding the relationship with EXH & Ex In-laws. I wouldnt trust them to not break court ordered access and decide to meet ex-PIL somewhere thinking they know better.

They didn’t have your permission to take your child. They asked you said no they are totally in the wrong could have been charged with attempted kidnapping and definitely caused a stressful and embarrassing situation. Why do they think they have the right to take someone’s child even if one of them is your parent. They owe you and HC an apology not the other way around.

I have replied to explain I couldn’t see through the phone to verify it was them. ExHs family have made threats as recently as Christmas to take DC and I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather be safe than sorry, they don’t mean DC any harm but if they’d been ExH or his family and the HCL had just let DC go they’d be the first ones to complain and be calling for jobs to be lost and compensation.

So what is it- you were just too worried that it might be Ex H? Or you wanted to stop them collecting because they will take a mile of you give them an inch?

Look, then going against your wishes is annoying and not OK. But it’s disingenuous to say that you blocked them at the gate because you had no way of verifying it was them.

Do make sure you send an email to thank the holiday club, if you haven't already done it. This kind of situation is horrible to deal with and I'm sure they were doubting themselves, even though they followed procedure and did the right thing.
Make sure they know that.

They'll have to report the incident to Ofsted and social services, too, because the police were called. What an idiot your stepfather is!

Your stepdad is just a bully plain and simple, you said No so he set out to prove he's the boss and your Mum supported him.

No surprise you ended up in an abusive relationship with parenting role models like that.

Given that they turned abusive when told "no", I'd beg to differ.

A reasonable GP, upon being told "the mother has just declined permission to release the child to you" would leave peacefully. They might be disappointed, but they would leave peacefully. There would be no abusiveness, no police call, no drama. Nothing nasty for the mother to have to anticipate and prevent, no way for the mother's actions to be perceived as unreasonable because no harm would result.

So for you to think that the OP was being unreasonable by saying "no" to the HC staff over the phone, you must think that the OP should have expected the GPs to turn nasty in a child care setting. And if she should have expected it, then she would know that her SF isn't safe around children and would be not only reasonable in saying no but expected to do so to protect her child.

Whichever way you look at it, the OP was reasonable in saying no over the phone.

My God you poor thing. At the very least you would expect your own parents on your side. You did nothing wrong. I would tell your mother if she had was that caring a parent and grandparent then she wouldnt blame you and she would consider your feelings and her grandchilds feelings. As for a step dad swearing at holiday club staff, not sure I would want him with my child anyway, disgraceful behaviour!

Why can't it be both? OP said no because she couldn't be sure at the point the nursery called, and even if it was the GP they didn't have permission.

What would be the value of saying "I think its my parents but you can't release DC to them either". The step father kicked off because the nursery told him no. They were still upset with OP after she confirmed to the nursery they were who they said they were, but she was taking the kids home.

So why are you so focused on why OP said no, and convince it couldn't be for a number of reasons?

Your parents sound as bad as your ex’s family.

Even if there was CAO and safeguarding issue - who the actual fuck, after being specifically told NOT to pick up someone’s child, just goes to pick them up anyway?? That is absolutely APPALLING behaviour under any circumstances. Is there nobody in your life who has any fucking boundaries?

All I can say is that I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this shit. You deserve so much better.

Are you seriously thinking for one second that you might be the unreasonable one? As a PP said, you’re underreacting if anything.
Your parents know about the issue with your ex so they shouldn’t even have tried something like this.
Well done to the HC. This kind of thing shows exactly why these safeguarding protocols are needed. The poor staff! They did exactly the right thing and were shouted at and insulted by your parents, who sound awful. I hope you thanked the HC profusely and didn’t play it down.
Predictably some PPs are minimising how bad this was. How can anyone defend anything about what they did? What kind of GP asks if they can pick up the GCs, and when they’re politely told no because their mum is taking them out for dinner, goes to pick them up anyway? Just why would you not say ok, have a nice dinner, can we agree another day for us to collect them?
There’s something very wrong going on with your mother and stepfather. Instead of wondering why they’re painting you as the bad guy, just tell them they can’t have your kids on their own any more. They have shown very clearly that they can’t be trusted. Hopefully the HC will never let them through the door again.

OP, well done for asserting your boundaries. You had made plans and booked dinner for you and DC and when told that you had plans and they couldn't pick the child up, they tried to overrule you anyway by trying to get the child. That's outrageous and well done to you for sticking your ground. They need to learn that this is not acceptable and that trampling all over your boundaries has consequences.

The HCL is impressive too - you can be reassured that the safeguarding plan is fully in place and is carried out and that they won't hesitate to call the police if someone is showing up being abusive.

Your parents are absolutely well out of order. They refused to take your no for an answer. Then they tried to pick the child up and when told no stepfather became aggressive, swearing and shouting.
And despite all that, and the police being called, your mother decided to say you were a bit daft not to give permission, still seemingly missing the point that you had already made plans for the evening so no, they couldn't take DC.

Reducing contact with them is a good idea. They don't get to take your child as and when suits them. They don't get to trample on your boundaries and they don't get to rock up at holiday club and start making a scene.

All she had to do was call her parents directly.

Ignore the poster whose proposed solution was OP should either give in to the parents at her own inconvenience or tell the parents what you've already told them again, because it is the number of times that is the problem. They're not thinking realistically.

All she had to do was agree to something she didn't want, or find the magic number of times of telling the parents that magically makes them be reasonable and agree.

Ffs!

All her parents had to do was not try and pick up ops child...... like they had already been told.

Your parents are idiots
The background doesn't matter

They asked. You said no
They went anyway....completely out of order.

HC did the right thing regardless of any court order. They aren't on the list and they don't know them. They became abusive....completely out of order number 2.

I wouldn't accept this from my parents and that's without ANY of the background you have given.

I got a one line reply of “Exactly how we thought it was”.

Translates to: they tested your boundaries. They discovered your boundaries are firm. Step dad especially didn’t like it.

They’ve said next time I need help with DC they’ll be more reluctant to help

Translates to: they are trying to punish you for holding firm boundaries. They are trying to emotionally manipulate you. Obviously, you asking them for help is a completely different situation from them just turning up to take him.

Hold your ground.