People are always 'meh' about me

[Dooooooooo]

As well as social care I've also got over 10 years of experience in education, in teaching and support roles. I see many teachers/support staff like TAs with walls full of cards from students thanking them for being such an inspiration, they've changed their life and so on. Students crying when they leave, bags full of chocolates and gifts.
I've never received anything like that. That said, I received a 'thank you ' email from 2 A level students this year and that meant a lot. But generally, nothing.
It really shouldn't matter, I know, I've worked in this job because I enjoy helping people.
I worked a lot with A level students as part of one department, however because I wasn't a teacher I was completely excluded from the department. I was there for almost a full academic year but I had absolutely nothing to do with them, I was never included in anything which hurt. On my last day there this year it was just like, ok thanks, cya! From them.
I think it's because I don't have a 'big' personality as such, even though I am conscientious, hardworking and caring in my eyes.
A previous coursemate had also worked with an A level group, she told me they were crying when she left and that they've all met for coffee since, I just thought wtf?
This extends to friendships too. I've always had time to listen to people, when they've had a break up or any sort of issue I've listened to them and supported them. I've never mistreated them or put them down, I've always been kind and there for them.
I don't have a large home to offer them space, I don't have a ton of money to spend on them but I have always given them time.
Still, everyone's too busy, nobody really asks how I am anymore or has any interest in meeting, except for one friend but I think that's more as she wants to recruit me into religion (that's another friend).
I'm sorry if this sounds entitled, I've felt this way for years. I do think it's because I don't have bags of charisma and I'm not one of those big bubbly personalities, even though I still think I'm friendly, polite and kind.
It just gets me down sometimes. What to do really.

Sorry, that was quite long.

I suspect they tend to treat the students like friends and possibly lick arse a bit. The friends you've supported in the past, are they noticably not supportive when you've needed help? Have they known you were struggling?

Either way, usually when I come across someone that everyone fawns over, it's not really because they're a great person, but because they're a bit false.

maybe you've just not found your people yet.

Generally, regardless of their background, their interests, and the context you meet them in, people want to be friends with people who make them laugh, make them feel happy, make them feel good about themselves and the time they’ve just spent with you, and who they can share enjoyable experiences with. Your OP focuses on “nice” and “kind” and “polite” quite a lot; but the problem with having that as your focus in approaching relationships with people is that whilst these qualities are great to help you get by, and the bedrock of getting on with most people you meet at a superficial level, they aren’t friendship-grabbing qualities in themselves: none of those things are really what excites most people about sparking up or maintaining a social relationship or friendship.

What qualities do you look for in a friend and do you think you replicate those? Are there any groups you could join where you’d have an opportunity to more easily display your real personality, best qualities and what makes you happy to others because you’d be doing something you enjoy and meeting likeminded people? The one thing that would characterise most of my friendships is that I met and got to know the person when we were doing something that we both really loved doing, or having lots of fun; which allows actual personality to shine through.

Sorry only just seen this now. I am always friendly with my students, but I'm not their friend as I'm in a position of trust and I have to be professional, so I've always kept a certain distance but it's important to maintain boundaries.
It's results day today, students have my email (I don't have theirs) and the teachers have my email but there's been zero mention of results to me unfortunately, even though I worked with this group closely for almost a year.
Yeah, I can't stand people fawning and gushing over one person, it's too much.
I do have a joke with people too, I think being kind and polite are important qualities in a deeper friendship too. I have had enjoyable conversations, however I'm just a more reserved personality type.
When people say things like, 'show your personality', well, this is my personality. I always find it a clumsy way to say, you're supposed to be louder, crazier, more 'out there ' because those are the 'desirable'traits.
Being reserved is a personality.

I will try to join more groups, as I say I am certainly displaying my real personality.
I look for like-minded people who I have things in common with and who are easy going.

There's nothing wrong with being a reserved/ introverted person. At all. And you are right, that is just your personality and that's fine. I hate it when people think you have some kind of inner sillyness that they just need to bring out. Be who you are!

That said, I suppose if you are giving out those vibes of reserved, polite, kind, quiet - then that is what you will get back, if you see what I mean? Your connections are likely to be more low key, quiet, and calm. That doesn't make them less meaningful. But the kind of exuberance you see in those big gushing thank you's maybe just isn't something you are letting on that you actually care about?

You sound lovely 💐

Thank you.
Yes I suppose that's it, although I thought some people might want somebody quieter as a 'balance' maybe I'm wrong.
I worked hard for my students, gave them extra revision material and I was very encouraging and positive with them.
I don't see how this teacher had 18 year olds 'crying' that she left and wanted to all meet up with her! I know I sound petty, I just feel like I don't matter sometimes.

Unfortunately some people won't bother with you unless you are very loud, very outgoing, 'out there' sort of person so that narrows things down for me. I don't really get why adults need to show some sort of sillyness in order to prove they're worthy of friendship!

You sound nice so it's a shame if you don't feel appreciated.

Some thoughts on moving to where you want to be...

1. Attend results day so people see you are actively interested
2. Failing that, be the one that emails someone/the group to ask about the results (people might be preoccupied)

3 At end of term tell each kid you are proud of them and ask them to let you know how they get on

I think sometimes you have to invite people in, hence these suggestions.

I am sorry to hear this, I make sure all of my kids teachers and TA and everyone, icluding office gets things from the whole family. I go to the extent that I give Christmas to one round of people, Easter to another and end of year to third, I do not want to miss anyone. I do not look at charisma, I am very charismatic and this actually drives people away.

Please, do not think any less of you....

Thanks very much.
Sadly I wasn't invited to the results day. Maybe I should have asked though! However I figured if they wanted me there they'd have asked, and I'd probably look creepy if I just showed up!
I did send all students an email saying I would always help them if they needed. I guess sometimes they just want a certain type of teacher.

Actually my nick name is the opposite of what i do: i bother with everyone and consider everyone the same beautiful human being. Oh please, give chance to your friend who wants to talk to you about religion, it will be a nice friendship. IF you do not want the religion, say you are not into that.

Thanks, that's very kind of you.

Sounds like your friend is overstepping boundaries. They don’t need to be friends with you, they need you to be kind but professional.

My husband is a teacher and he gets sometimes, but not tons of things and is humble stuff, chocolates, a card. We always treasure this on behalf of him, people do not realise how much it means to teachers and tutors.....but please, do not think any less of you....

Yes, maybe the friend did overstep boundaries.
However in friendship it's always the excuses 'life gets in the way, everyone is busy ' those things are true.
However someone my age has just gone on a holiday with 8 other women to Spain, I can't even get a coffee with 1!

I also try to share my sense of humour and art on social media, however most people aren't interested. Then someone I went to school with now has 7k followers, is some sort of blogger, posts something and people are lapping it up.

Fellow teacher on A level results day, here. I, too, don’t get showered in presents or meet up for coffee with ex students - I usually have good relationships with my students, but they don’t adore me. I have learned to shrug that one off.

With regards to friendships I don’t have a group of girlfriends to go on holiday with. I am an introvert, I have a handful of good friends. Sometimes I wish I was more of a social butterfly, but that’s just not me.

I’m a secondary teacher, honestly I think it really varies year to year. Sometimes you get a student or class that you really bond with, sometimes you’re all just gritting your teeth to get through the year.

In the past I’ve had cards, home made chocolates etc, I’ve had students who kept in touch by email, who let me know what they were doing, who’ve stopped me in the street to say hi. This year out of about 50 Year 11 students I had one card, from a student who is the sort of lovely girl who would give one to every teacher. A couple said thank you after our last lesson but that was literally it.

I wouldn’t sweat it, just keep doing what you’re doing.

I think the thing is "nice" and "polite" isn't a way to build relationships after the first time you meet someone. You sound quite standoffish and rigid I'm afraid, unwilling to compromise. I'm married to an introvert and am friends with many - they're so many other things than nice and polite. Funny, bright, smart, witty etc. They have interesting jobs and hobbies, read widely etc. We developed friendships because this came through in interactions. I'm not interested in loud at all.

You also sound (understandably) a little bitter which might be coming through too.

Also forget SM. Someone having hundreds of friends or followers means nothing. And anyone with anything interesting going on is unlikely to have time to Facebook it!

I'm sorry but I disagree. I said that I'm also friendly and like to joke. I think I have an interesting life with different hobbies and have travelled a lot.
I am very willing to compromise.

Strangers on this thread can say “you sound lovely” and “you’re not doing anything wrong”: but ultimately you started this thread because, apparently, you’ve spent your life doing all the things that strangers on this thread think sound lovely - and yet you’re still “meh” to most people around you and don’t have many real friendships.

Sometimes to an outsider who doesn’t know that you are simply reserved, it often comes across as aloof - or even uninterested and rude - and that puts people off trying to get to know you. They think you’ll be difficult to get an “in” with, or not receptive to their friendship. That doesn’t meant you have to be “crazy” or “louder” of “silly” or “out there” and I think it does a real disservice to people who struggle with friendships to pretend that people who do have friends don’t have real friendships because they’re like that and it’s all fake. You don’t need to be loud or crazy. But you do need to show people a bit more of yourself and appear receptive to their friendship. Or, you can keep on doing what you’ve always done, and you’ll always get what you’ve always had.

Being kind and polite and helpful are good qualities to have - but how often do you ever hear somebody say “my friend Laura is great - she’s so polite and helpful, it’s the things which first attracted me to her.”? All of my friends are nice and kind and helpful people - but if somebody asked me why we were friends, those are not the reasons.

Yes I agree re students. It's just one of those things I suppose. I worked 1-1 so got to have a nice chat with some of them, ah well. Just have to keep going.

Yes I do understand, however I also said I am friendly and like to joke.
I thought being kind and a good listener, as well as helpful were also traits people wanted in friendship. I think the insinuation here is that I'm quite boring. Maybe that's how I am coming across, I don't think I am a boring person, but I know that unfortunately even if you are just slightly reserved it will repel some people.