People are always 'meh' about me

[Dooooooooo]

As well as social care I've also got over 10 years of experience in education, in teaching and support roles. I see many teachers/support staff like TAs with walls full of cards from students thanking them for being such an inspiration, they've changed their life and so on. Students crying when they leave, bags full of chocolates and gifts.
I've never received anything like that. That said, I received a 'thank you ' email from 2 A level students this year and that meant a lot. But generally, nothing.
It really shouldn't matter, I know, I've worked in this job because I enjoy helping people.
I worked a lot with A level students as part of one department, however because I wasn't a teacher I was completely excluded from the department. I was there for almost a full academic year but I had absolutely nothing to do with them, I was never included in anything which hurt. On my last day there this year it was just like, ok thanks, cya! From them.
I think it's because I don't have a 'big' personality as such, even though I am conscientious, hardworking and caring in my eyes.
A previous coursemate had also worked with an A level group, she told me they were crying when she left and that they've all met for coffee since, I just thought wtf?
This extends to friendships too. I've always had time to listen to people, when they've had a break up or any sort of issue I've listened to them and supported them. I've never mistreated them or put them down, I've always been kind and there for them.
I don't have a large home to offer them space, I don't have a ton of money to spend on them but I have always given them time.
Still, everyone's too busy, nobody really asks how I am anymore or has any interest in meeting, except for one friend but I think that's more as she wants to recruit me into religion (that's another friend).
I'm sorry if this sounds entitled, I've felt this way for years. I do think it's because I don't have bags of charisma and I'm not one of those big bubbly personalities, even though I still think I'm friendly, polite and kind.
It just gets me down sometimes. What to do really.

I think I used to be like you in that I thought to have a personality one had to be loud and bubbly. That’s what I was told. I’ll never be loud and I’m not usually bubbly either but I am very comfortable with who I am these days and I’m very relaxed and open and some people say I’m fun but it’s in a very quiet way I’m sure! People like me but I’m not someone who’s included in things because I’m ND and quite eccentric.

I choose who I want to be friends with. If I like them and want to be friends with them, then it’s likely to be reciprocal. I chat with a lot of people but I wouldn’t want to be friends with many of them. You need to stop worrying about what people think of you and take more notice of what you think of them.

I find common ground with people and discuss that. I try to have a laugh too. I am not perfect but nobody is. When I look at other people, I honestly don't find them incredibly exciting, interesting or lovely moreso than anyone else, they're just more liked for whatever reason.

@ComtesseDeSpair has it right here I think. The way you describe yourself paints a picture of someone who is diligent, kind and thoughtful and obeys social rules.

These are all good qualities and they help oil the wheels of society so I don’t think you should see them as negatives, but these are not really the qualities that build intimate and long lasting friendships.

Friendships are based on compatibility, humour, shared interests and values. Being “nice” won’t hurt your chances of making friends but on their own they aren’t enough. Sometimes being nice can actually make you seem a bit of a people pleaser, a bit of a drink of water without anything about you. Sometimes it can inadvertently signal that you are a bit of a pushover.

I don’t think you can be someone you are not. But I wonder if at some level you are not allowing yourself to be “real” and authentic with people? It’s hard to connect deeply with someone who isn’t really true to themselves.

Could you be doing this?

Possibly yes. I'm not sure though, I do think I share things about myself with people, I have a sense of humour and so on. Most people I meet aren't absolutely fascinating in my eyes, I just see most people as 'average'. Occasionally, there's a person you'd love to talk to more but for the most part, no.
Maybe I just need to widen my social circle a little.
I had one student I particularly got on well with as we had a lot in common and similar humour, but there are boundaries in place as a member of staff.
I will try to be more 'authentic' but I don't know how.

Don’t get caught up in your head about your A-level students and what they think of you. They’re teenagers. They’re fickle. They live, quite literally, in a different age. I’m assuming you’re somewhat older than them: they might find things about some of their teachers which they identify with and are drawn to, but that doesn’t mean that what teenagers find attractive are what you as an adult should aspire to.

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair, sometimes being 'nice' isn't enough on it's own. It's seems common on MN for people to think that because eg you're a good listener, or 'supported ' someone that makes you a good friend. It doesn't necessarily. You're mixing behaviour/values with personality. It's personality that draws people in.
You ask 'what to do' but must you really do anything? You have the type of personality that favours someone getting to know you first. Your personality isnt perhaps very attractive, however I'd imagine those that you do manage to get to be friends with value you greatly.
I wouldn't attempt a personality change, that seldom works but ask yourself what about you might interest/attract others. If all you can think of is that you're a decent person (that's not personality) then mix with similar people. I shouldn't worry too much that a couple of 6th formers didn't give you a high five.

I am an ex teacher. Many teachers love being popular with the kids. That was never of interest to me.
If you want to be down with the kids that's your shout but it sounds to me like you would secretly like to. But you are too reserved so have ended up a bit bitter.
Just do it if that's what makes you feel good- a few 'in' jokes and comments and dress a bit like them and you will have reinvented yourself.
Or just accept yourself and move on and spend your life being happy in your skin.

I could have written this myself. Except I often look like the person with the big bubbly personality who is the life and soul. But I am often lonely and find it hard to click with people. Just tonight am back from a social thing and everyone talked to each other and I was there like a spare part. I think when I feel uncomfortable other people pick up on it, and pull away. Do you think you might do something similar?

In a similar line of work and a friend of mine likes to be loved, receives more gifts and thank you cards....but also gets more complaints.

We're actually not supposed to accept personal gifts and I prefer to maintain boundaries.

OP, without being gushy, I think you do actually have to tell them that you care, especially at that age. Teens need very clear messages. A polite exchange as you hand over some essential handouts for them will barely register on their stressed and self absorbed minds during exam times. But saying: 'I made a copy of these notes for you. Promise you will read them because they will help and I want you to do well. Let me know your results, ok? I have my fingers crossed for you!' – something like that sounds to them like you are invested in them personally.

Similarly, I'd make a point of occasionally chatting with teachers and asking about pupils. 'How do you think Ollie is doing? I had a session with him and he seemed a bit less nervous. Is it showing in his grades?' That sort of stuff shows you care and makes a bond between teaching and support staff, but isn't gushy imo.

It sounds to me like you’ve got the balance right at work. I’ve been in community situations where I worked hard yet got ignored in favour of the big showy personalities. It is galling, but ultimately work should be balanced, not a popularity contest. Join a club or something.

My old boss had this habit of telling anyone who would listen that the staff in his old workplace all cried and fell to pieces on his last day. (I can't see it myself)
Funny how that never happened here when he left two years down the line.
Some people are very good at exaggerating how popular they are.
All I will say is that the only couple of teachers that l have fond memories of were quiet and kind.

Op you aren’t alone I can relate. Your feelings of rejection are valid.
You sound like a really lovely person to me - I’d be the one including you and valuing you.
I’ve found now I am nearly 40 I am gradually getting to the point where I care less- I know I am a good person - like you respectful, caring and always there to help and listen. I do think having a quieter personality can have an affect - especially in some schools!
The feeling of not giving an f is very liberating.

Have you got any close friends/relatives you could talk to about how you feel?

You need to work on raising your self esteem. I think you need to think about what makes you happy too and indulge in that.

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions.
I have got one friend who's always keen to meet up, and a partner who values me as I am so maybe I need to see it that way.
The friends who are always too busy for me/don't bother getting in touch, we spent a lot of time together when I was younger so they must've wanted my friendship then?
That's so funny your boss said that! Makes me think of Steve Carrell in the Office.
Maybe I just need to meet more similar people and remember it isn't a popularity contest. I possibly do come across as slightly shy but surely the right people would try to make you feel at ease, rather than run away?

Frankly, that attitude isn’t anything that would attract me as a potential friend. I don’t care whether you’re loud or quiet — those aren’t personality types, they’re just volumes. I care whether you’re interesting.

Polite and kind might be nice things in addition to someone being interesting and good to be around, but they’re garnishes to the main thing.

The students are a red herring here. What are you bringing to friendships? Again, supporting people is great, but not in itself.

Saying goodbye to exam classes can be a bit strange I think: when they go on study leave, their minds are all about what they are still working towards and it doesn't feel finished for them yet, and then when their results come they are caught up in that moment as a whole and what their next steps are.

So having said that, the fact that two of your A-Level students have taken time to send you a personal thank you, in the middle of all that is going on for them, is a lovely sign of how much they value your help. They didn't have to do that, but you obviously had an impact as their minds turned to you on results day. That is what matters: the bags of flowers and gifts, nice as they are, say more about how organised and able to be generous the parents are, rather than your teaching or relationship with the student.

Also, re the colleague reporting weeping and wailing, if it's true that all sounds pretty unhealthy! Someone in that scenario is either overdramatic, or overexaggerating...

I dont have any advice OP but just to say you sound really lovely and they are lucky to have you!

I know how it feels OP.
I've been a teacher for 10 years and even when I was full time, I didn't often get anything really heartfelt, even though I was trying my hardest and almost killing myself, frankly. I got plenty of chocolates and flowers which I really appreciated, but I saw colleagues get hugs, long letters and leavers' speeches all about how much they loved their teacher without even mentioning me.

I've learned to shrug it off a bit now though. I only work two days now so I don't expect any of that anymore for obvious reasons. I'm not there enough. It's just a job and my thanks is my pay packet and the good results I get.

The 'inspiring' teachers, in my experience, that all the kids love and remember, are the ones that are very 'down with the kids', throw sweets at them, very much married to the job, and I'll go as far as saying not that great at the actual teaching. I won't tar everyone with the same brush, but that's what I've found over the years.

Haha - she’s winding you up. There was a trend when I did temporary work, but the other temporary staff members would say the management is always asking them to come back. This never happened to me. One day I spent the entire shift with another temporary worker, and at the end, overheard her telling everyone how she was told she had to come back, she was so amazing.PAJ - never happened, I was with her all day

That's why I mentioned boring. There's heavy insinuation here that I must be boring and I'd like to know why that's being suggested. I believe I have an interesting life and I'm friendly. People are focusing so much on the words kind and helpful. I didn't say I am only those things.
Honestly, many people I meet aren't incredibly fascinating yet are still popular.
I feel better about the teaching side of things, I suppose some teachers do go into it wanting to be popular and treating it like a popularity contest. Everyone wants to build a gold relationship with their students but I suppose as long as I know I did my best with them then that's what matters.

People are selfish and get what they need.
Your personality does not need tweaked.
Me myself and I attitude.
Least of all Academic snobs.

Try not to compare yourself to others.

I am considered to be loud, exuberant, humourous, a big personality and everyone always seems to know who I am. There are clearly advantages to this. Having an audience during these high moments, it's a good feeling. But I'm also aware that I'm not always a good listener, blurt out and interrupt much more than I would like and that many people far from gushing over me may find me irritating or offensive. Despite being an "extrovert". I actually get very anxious about things that I have said, whether I have caused offence, whether I am professional enough, that I'm actually completely obnoxious etc. And being extroverted doesn't always lead to deep friendships either. I've often thought I'd trade in superficial charm for more admirable, mature, "slow burn" qualities, like patience, modesty, impulse control, knowing when to stfu(!) Qualities that maybe you have.

Others who you are perhaps envious of, may in fact be envious of you is the point I'm trying to make. I would focus first on what you like about yourself and who's really important in your life - having a view precious loved ones who see, admire and love you really is enough I think. What do the teenager students really matter? We don't all have to be the same. The relationship the students have to their more extroverted teachers, despite the gifts and tears etc are still ultimately superficial and short lived.

I think it's less about others being interesting, and more about being interested.

More than anything people will gravitate to people who make them feel good. That's what they will remember.

That’s why I asked what you brought to a friendship? You’re the one who stressed that your good qualities were listening to the other person, giving them time, supporting them and not mistreating them — that’s all about you in a ‘support role’. What are you actually like yourself, when it’s about you? I’m not in the least suggesting you’re ‘boring’, but it’s surely not insignificant that in your description of your friendships, you’re stressing the other person being the one with stuff going on, and you listening, supporting etc. What do you have going on? Again, ‘reserved’ isn’t a personality type, just as ‘quiet’ isn’t. It just means that you don’t lay out that personality to others as readily.

I have a friend who is extremely reserved. She’s divorcing another friend of mine, and I have no idea what she feels about it. That’s fine by me. I don’t require my friends to confide in me. She’s an enormously interesting character, extremely confident, with a fascinating past.