People are always 'meh' about me

[Dooooooooo]

As well as social care I've also got over 10 years of experience in education, in teaching and support roles. I see many teachers/support staff like TAs with walls full of cards from students thanking them for being such an inspiration, they've changed their life and so on. Students crying when they leave, bags full of chocolates and gifts.
I've never received anything like that. That said, I received a 'thank you ' email from 2 A level students this year and that meant a lot. But generally, nothing.
It really shouldn't matter, I know, I've worked in this job because I enjoy helping people.
I worked a lot with A level students as part of one department, however because I wasn't a teacher I was completely excluded from the department. I was there for almost a full academic year but I had absolutely nothing to do with them, I was never included in anything which hurt. On my last day there this year it was just like, ok thanks, cya! From them.
I think it's because I don't have a 'big' personality as such, even though I am conscientious, hardworking and caring in my eyes.
A previous coursemate had also worked with an A level group, she told me they were crying when she left and that they've all met for coffee since, I just thought wtf?
This extends to friendships too. I've always had time to listen to people, when they've had a break up or any sort of issue I've listened to them and supported them. I've never mistreated them or put them down, I've always been kind and there for them.
I don't have a large home to offer them space, I don't have a ton of money to spend on them but I have always given them time.
Still, everyone's too busy, nobody really asks how I am anymore or has any interest in meeting, except for one friend but I think that's more as she wants to recruit me into religion (that's another friend).
I'm sorry if this sounds entitled, I've felt this way for years. I do think it's because I don't have bags of charisma and I'm not one of those big bubbly personalities, even though I still think I'm friendly, polite and kind.
It just gets me down sometimes. What to do really.

See I don’t feel the need to put down others (oh her blog got 7K likes but what’s so great about she said or posted). Because if you think she is ‘no big deal’ then why are you even her friend. I commiserate with my friends genuinely and celebrate their successes genuinely. It seems like you look at your friends’ successes and you are if I may say so…jealous.

Wow...relax. I don't even know this person. I'm just using it as an example.

And yes I do share anecdotes etc.

I never said what's so great about she posted or she's no big deal. You are twisting words.

If I shared my sense of humour or art on social media and people didn’t like it I would simply conclude that my tastes were different from theirs. I wouldn’t see it as a popularity contest. Your friend’s blog clearly resonated with people. That’s neither your fault nor hers. But your RESPONSE to her success which is to belittle it suggests that it comes across in other interaction when you don’t intend it to.

You said people are ‘lapping it up.’ Which suggests that you think that her success is undeserved in comparison to your social media contribution. And you are wondering why.

Anyway like many others it’s very hard to keep offering constructive suggestions to someone who is this touchy. Like I said above my DH is like you in personality but he’s very happy being who he is (quiet and reserved) and doesn’t give a shiny shit if people think he’s meh. (Most people dont think he’s professionally meh because his CV is ridiculous but like I said people do find him socially awkward because he is). He’s okay with that. But you are not. You do care and so if you want something to change then you have to be willing to introspect.

Op, I’m not sure if you understand how you come across, or indeed if you’re like this in real life. Argumentative, combative, a superior attitude, highly focused on your very numerous positive qualities, in your view, belittling to others, unable to take constructive criticism, snippy, and passive aggressive.

but it might be worth taking a step back and thinking about it. There is a reason folks do not warm to you, be it colleagues, students, or even would be friends. You posted to basically understand that, but any minor indication of what could be the cause you immediately slap down.

if you want something to change then you have to be willing to introspect.

I think this is the key, isn't it?

Carrying on as you are is fine if it makes you happy but it's crystal clear in your posts that you're not happy.

The only way to make a difference is to change something about what you do. Maybe you just need to find other people to socialise with, or maybe you need to look at how you come across and think about how that impacts you making friends.

I've been there and of course it's never nice to realise you might be the problem but once you recognise where you're going wrong and make changes, things become much easier.

Op, I’m not sure if you understand how you come across, or indeed if you’re like this in real life. Argumentative, combative, a superior attitude, highly focused on your very numerous positive qualities, in your view, belittling to others, unable to take constructive criticism, snippy, and passive aggressive.

Is that really necessary? There's constructive advice and then there's just being nasty.

There are some incredibly popular people on this thread, they have millions of friends and the op doesn’t, and they know the exact reason why and they're going to tell her without any sugar coating. Lovely people. And clearly as we can tell from these posts empathy, kindness and compassion are not qualities that are essential for friendships either…

That aside I know lots of boring people who aren’t hilariously funny who seem popular and have plenty of friends so even if it was true that you are boring/humourless that isn’t necessarily the reason you don’t get the same feedback as some others.
My work colleague I mentioned earlier, isn’t smart or witty and all. Her (oft repeated) anecdotes are laboriously long with no actual punchline. But like I say, people seem to like her a lot.
Although I’m an introvert, I still love a party, meeting new people and having interesting conversations, I definitely make people laugh and they seem to gravitate to me in those situations. I know I’ll need some time by myself to recover after a social event and absolutely love my own company so definitely am in an introvert. I think my issue is that I rarely follow up on any overtures of friendship from people. My longest standing (maybe all?) friendships are with extroverts who basically never gave up on me!
My personal take on it is that extroverts are by nature programmed to create these kinds of relationships. Their behaviours and ways of being are mainly geared towards gaining that kind of feedback. For introverts like myself, I don’t do anything to elicit that kind of thing and gain my sense of self worth from an internal satisfaction of doing my job well or solitary pursuits like reading, being creative and learning new things. Just sometimes you feel a sense of rejection compared to extroverted people.

The op does not need to accept derogatory/negative comments from strangers on the internet without politely correcting them which I think is all she has done so far.
I think her experience is very typical of lots of introverts. You’re happy with your lot and satisfied with your life but sometimes when you see the emotional connections that extroverts appear to have you wonder what you’re missing and think you’re doing something wrong. But actually, I’ve made the effort and engaged in lots of friendships/groups over the years but honestly a lot of times I was only doing it cos I felt i should not because I enjoyed it and what’s the point in that?
I have put a lot of time and work into my career and side hustle because that’s what i love to do and have reaped the benefits of it. My work colleague might look at me and be jealous of that but she has put her energy into other things.

Your friend is quite obviously overstepping. This is fine now but will land her in hot water if / when one of them makes a complaint about her. So I wouldn’t even pay attention to what she’s doing.

Instead I would focus on what you are doing. You are support staff, your job is to help children when they are often at their most vulnerable, if you want them to appreciate you then you need to take yourself out of your comfort zone a bit. Ask more questions, listen more, bring your own experiences in where appropriate, keep a stash of goodies (my support worker at college always had a box of Roses that she’d put on the table for us). If possible put a bosch coffee pod machine into your office and offer a drink.

Ask about future aspirations, make notes, then send your kids good luck cards (not emails) and offer support on results day. On results day you absolutely must be present - Ask to be included.

I agree with the point about extroverts keeping friendships up (although OP will chime in to say that she has contacted her friends and they are not responding so it’s not that…). If and this is a big IF DH ever asked me how to have more friends I would say that he doesn’t instinctively reach out to people especially when he needs support. He has no need because he has me (and to some extent his parents). But like I said if you are never vulnerable to others they won’t be the same with you and you find yourself on the fringes of friendship groups.

OP I don't disagree that reserved is a personality trait, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being loud or extrovert, but possibly something that's happening is that being reserved, it's difficult to form a closer bond with someone. If you are reserved it means slightly holding yourself at arm's length from people. I get what you're saying regarding boundaries at work, and I think there's two separate issues here. One is the feeling of being 'popular' with the students and two is feeling like your supposed friends don't have time for you. I guess probably more extroverted people are the ones who are mostly considered 'popular' so I think we have to just accept yes, some people are 'popular' and others less so, and there shouldn't be negativity attached to that - the world is in many ways geared for extroverted people in that sense but it doesn't mean being extroverted is somehow better than being introverted. But coming back to the reserved point - one thing which stuck out is you said it's not appropriate for you to email people but no one has emailed you / you didn't feel it would be appropriate to go to results day without being asked - it strikes me as maybe a bit one sided - sometimes we do have to put ourselves out there a bit more, show people that you are interested in hearing about their results / turn up etc, rather than waiting for them to reach out to you and being disappointed that they haven't. I get it, you're reserved, but that can give the impression to the other staff/students that you don't want to be closer 'friends' as it were (for want of a better word, notwithstanding it's a professional environment), that you want to keep a bit of distance - if that's not the case, then you kind of do need to be a bit less reserved in that regard.

Re friends - it sounds like maybe you've grown apart from the group of friends from when you're younger, so maybe you need to find some new friends that you have things in common with at this stage in your life. I've always thought the best way is finding a hobby / sport / activity / club type thing for something you enjoy doing is the best thing for this, as you get to spend time doing something you enjoy and are interest in anyway, and hopefully as a great bonus meet some like minded people who will become friends.

I also think that there is an element of egoism in some teachers. My main career isn’t teaching but my parents sister and best friend are all teachers so i don’t mean this as an insult to teachers. I teach my hobby as a side hustle so i get how having people looking at you, listening to you and treating you as an authority can boost your ego. But, I think some teachers (probably the person op mentions) take it too far. Like someone I know who is madly popular and constantly getting cards and gushing social media messages. She teaches sn children and in lockdown actually recorded zoom teaching of her pupils that she then shared on her personal not private facebook page a couple of times. For what reason? I can’t think of any other motive than she just wanted to show everyone how great she was as a teacher/person and have loads of gushing comments. Plus it clearly is a massive breach of every kind of boundary and should get her disciplined by any decent manager!

Thank you for the support

This resonates with me. Maybe we should form a club!

Absolutely. Also, it really isn’t possible to say reliably whether someone is an extrovert or an introvert unless you know them well, and know how they recharge. Someone sociable and socially confident can also be an introvert.

Some teachers actively canvass their students for positive cards gifts etc

I think some posters are being unduly harsh to the OP.

I think people usually choose friends that have characteristics they value or find attractive and want to be around. Just like we choose long term sexual partners. And while the alphas get lots of people who want to be their friends the betas, gammas, deltas etc have fewer and fewer people who feel like that about them and while good people in their own right don't necessarily have enough of a perceived desirable characteristic to be popular. What that spark is can vary from community to community, so what makes me stand out in a good way now as an adult was what made me stand out in a bad way as a teenager.

So the question is what can you do if you are unhappy with the number and type of friendships you have. Well, like dating there's an element of shy bairns get nowt.

Don't worry about the children. Keep your relationship with the children at work professional (my teenagers distinguish between the teachers who are down with the kids and those who aren't but are quite clear it's not related to who is the best teacher).

With your colleagues if you want to do something like attend results day just ask. The worst they can say is 'no' and as long as you ask in a professional manner and respond appropriately that's absolutely fine. If you want to build friendships with them it's about balancing asking them about themselves and showing interest, sharing stories with them about yourself to show empathy, build connections and entertain them. And making it clear you like spending time with them by your reactions to what they say and by asking to spend more time with them.

The comment that makes me pause most in what you say is that you think of most people as quite ordinary (paraphrasing). While that is undoubtedly true you surely want to spend time with people you like spending time with and with people who like spending time with you. Friends you don't like who don't like you aren't worth having. TBH I think most people have something interesting and unique about themselves if only you look hard enough to find it. And make your interesting and unique characteristic easy for others to find. It might not be enough to want to spend a holiday in Spain with them but it should be enough to have a friendly chat at work and maybe spend some time together over a coffee or want to go to the pictures together.

@Fortboyard I think you’ve hit several nails on the head with your posts. I absolutely agree that many introverts make friends by essentially being adopted by extroverts who find them and like them, and I totally relate to your point about introverts being basically happy with the level of socialising they have but can’t help looking at extroverts and wondering what they’re missing out on.

I also agree that some posters are being extremely harsh on OP, who is basically just wondering what she is doing wrong when she is being everything we are told we should be in a friend. Time and again we’re told to “be kind” (and indeed I tell my kids that the most important thing they can be is kind) but apparently that’s not enough.

OP people think I’m “meh” too because I assume people don’t like me unless they make it really clear they do: I tend to hold people at arm’s length until I get a sign they actually do value my company. It sounds like you are maybe doing something similar…?

There's nothing in this post that indicates "triggered" though. I totally agree with @MrsDBaddiel.

The fact that you appear to think that all popular people "lick arse" is a good indication that you are triggered by this thread yourself.

I hope I'm wrong, but with your apparent attitude people don't stand a chance - if they're popular they are surely a bad person.

"honestly a lot of times I was only doing it cos I felt i should not because I enjoyed it and what’s the point in that?'

@Fortboyard Surely enjoyment is the point??

What am I missing?

Wow. I must have authored your OP in my sleep because it's like I'm listening to myself.

@Fortboyard

Apologies, I read your post wrongly!

If you'd put a comma after "should" I'd have understood it immediately.

Sorry, I was being lazy with my grammar today!