People are always 'meh' about me

[Dooooooooo]

As well as social care I've also got over 10 years of experience in education, in teaching and support roles. I see many teachers/support staff like TAs with walls full of cards from students thanking them for being such an inspiration, they've changed their life and so on. Students crying when they leave, bags full of chocolates and gifts.
I've never received anything like that. That said, I received a 'thank you ' email from 2 A level students this year and that meant a lot. But generally, nothing.
It really shouldn't matter, I know, I've worked in this job because I enjoy helping people.
I worked a lot with A level students as part of one department, however because I wasn't a teacher I was completely excluded from the department. I was there for almost a full academic year but I had absolutely nothing to do with them, I was never included in anything which hurt. On my last day there this year it was just like, ok thanks, cya! From them.
I think it's because I don't have a 'big' personality as such, even though I am conscientious, hardworking and caring in my eyes.
A previous coursemate had also worked with an A level group, she told me they were crying when she left and that they've all met for coffee since, I just thought wtf?
This extends to friendships too. I've always had time to listen to people, when they've had a break up or any sort of issue I've listened to them and supported them. I've never mistreated them or put them down, I've always been kind and there for them.
I don't have a large home to offer them space, I don't have a ton of money to spend on them but I have always given them time.
Still, everyone's too busy, nobody really asks how I am anymore or has any interest in meeting, except for one friend but I think that's more as she wants to recruit me into religion (that's another friend).
I'm sorry if this sounds entitled, I've felt this way for years. I do think it's because I don't have bags of charisma and I'm not one of those big bubbly personalities, even though I still think I'm friendly, polite and kind.
It just gets me down sometimes. What to do really.

The thing to do is to genuinely be interested in the other person. Ask them some general questions, and listen attentively to their answer. People like to talk about themselves - but if they don't let you take a turn in the conversation, they may be too interested in themselves to make all that much of a friend.

I'm sorry OP, but you do sound slightly earnest, which is fine, but not magnetic for me.

I like people so I generally get on well enough with them.

But my real, close friends (x 4) make me laugh all the time, even when one of us is crying. They are amazing listeners and give great advice. They are always kind and polite but often busy. None of them are of the "I'M MAD, ME!!!!!" persuasion.

But the bottom line is, they are bloody hilarious and give me energy.

I am always interested in others and compliment them, encourage them and so on.
Anyway, people on here can only make random guesses.

I have noticed the teachers who get the most recognition are the ones who are good at making the students feel valued and heap loads of praise on them. Are really positive to be around.

I think I am like you to some extent and whilst I am nice and professional and students like me they don't love me. That's ok, there aren't many truly charismatic characters in teachers and it often comes at a cost for the ones I know.

I agree, I was always positive to my students and tried my best to reassure them.

Reserved is a personality type. I view myself as an interesting person with things to offer, and yes I am supportive to others, I can be that and still share interesting things about myself.

Why do you assume that people are popular because they’re “false” and “lick arse”?

I see this trope on mn frequently where competitive friendlessness seems to be a “thing”.

Implying to the op that she’s authentic and others are not isn’t going to help her make friends and suddenly be popular.

The reality is some people are easy to get along with and gel with other folk without having to try hard, others are less able to do this. In my experience friendships don’t follow a script, they’re organic and fluid. You never know who you’re going to click with or why, overthinking and trying to second guess colleague and friend interactions won’t help. I find the more secure and happy you are with yourself, the more people are drawn to you.

There's nothing 'wrong' with your personality or anyone else's. I'd try and separate the students/friends issues and ask yourself what 'ideal' would look like in both situations for you.

Re: the friends side of things, you say you're not particularly interested in and excited by others. I do think you need this on both sides to spark a friendship. In the main, people want to be friends with someone who genuinely seems to get them. I think you'd find it easier to make friends if you found someone you did feel interested in and excited by.

It's true, many people are pleasant but rarely do I walk away thinking, wow I love talking to that person, they're incredibly interesting/charismatic.
I've had that connection once recently, ultimately I like people who are kind and who I've got stuff in common with.
I need to widen my social circles really.

Looking back, I had an A level student tell me he was sad it was our last class together, which I suppose is a good sign! But I shouldn't see it as a popularity contest as it doesn't really matter as long as I'm helping them to achieve their results, and I feel I did that.

Not sure what you want from this thread OP. You’ve had some suggestions about why people are as you say “meh” about you but you’re not really prepared to take them on board where it doesn’t agree with what you think. You say that you don’t find people particularly exciting - that will come across. Combined with what you describe as being reserved, I think you have the answer. You are likely to come across as finding people meh and don’t give a lot back either: people are not going to respond to that with enthusiasm despite how nice and kind you are. Charisma doesn’t necessarily equate to being fake, it is often a result of finding other people interesting and enjoyable, and that coming across.
Do with this what you will - I can already guess that your response will be along the lines of “but my personality is reserved, why should that change, I am a nice kind diligent person.” None of those are bad things, but it explains why people respond to you in the way you do. If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got. Up to you what you do from here.

It's true, many people are pleasant but rarely do I walk away thinking, wow I love talking to that person, they're incredibly interesting/charismatic.

The thing is - people aren't stupid. They know that you feel that way about them and therefore (understandably) aren't going to want to make much of an effort with someone who clearly finds them a bit dull.

My personality is naturally introverted too! I'd say my best qualities are being kind, and friendly. I'm not loud or silly at all, and tend not to invite people into my life as such - but I'm a 'my door is open' person and am lucky to have lots of friends, from all different walks of life.

I love people, I've been told I come across as very warm. I'm a good listener but also I have healthy boundaries and wouldn't let anyone walk over me.

My sense of humour is a a big part of my personality too, I love having a laugh with friends. And even though I'm introverted, I make an effort to rarely say no to anything! So I'm often invited to things I think because friends feel 'Frog will be up for this'.

From your posts, I wonder how much fun you have? How warm a person you are? With only having a few posts here to go on, they do come across as very...serious.

I personally am not really drawn to overly serious people (I don't think you sound boring at all BTW, just a little serious?) as I'm quite a positive person and my social circle are the same.

I can't stand the type of intense, deep friendships some women describe- I focus on friends I have lots of common with that have a similar outlook, and I think they must be drawn to/accepting of me.

Or they all secretly loathe me and I'm sitting in a happy ignorant bubble!

I would just forget about the children you teach, personally. They are not your friends and you don’t need to worry that they don’t see you that way. When you’re in loco parentis, it’s a different relationship. Competitive popularity of the sort your describe from your peers is not really a healthy thing, so I would stop striving for it. Why would you want to be friends with a bunch of teenagers?

In your personal friendships, from reading all your updates, I think I might have spotted something that you might want to think about yourself. It sounds as though you get on well with people at a polite and superficial level, and that you put yourself into the friendship with the role of support worker. You are creating something of a power imbalance by remaining reserved, while friends are baring their souls to you and seeking your support. Friendships can flourish from lots of starts, including some of the things you mention like shared interests, but they tend to become deep when the friends are comfortable enough to break out of their reserve, share and make themselves visible in their vulnerability, such as when they need emotional support. Being the one who never drops the fence and reveals their vulnerability sets you apart. If friends are regularly showing themselves to you in all their ugly and raw emotions, and you don’t feel close enough to do the same for yourself, there is an imbalance there. You aren’t investing as much in the relationship as they are. They will feel that you are keeping them at arms’ length if you don’t offer them the same trust that they seek from you, and you will look less invested. I wonder if this is worth your having a think about. I’m not saying you should reveal every emotion, but just have a think about whether this could explain others treating you with the same apparent distance you are maintaining, perhaps without realising.

I'd be your friend IRL 😊

Oh no, I'm definitely taking it all on board. I'm just disagreeing that being reserved isn't a personality, it absolutely is.
I don't find them dull, or else I wouldn't talk to them!
I'm just saying that most people are 'normal' they're not absolutely oozing charisma and intrigue. Just 'regular'.

I won't be replying any further, thanks for your advice it's been very helpful!

You've asked us here why you don't think people warm.to you, essentially. You're right that we can only make guesses & it's frustrating when people extrapolate wrong from tiny snippets in OPs.

But we do have this as something to go on. All your responses are either batting us back - No. I'm not that. Or a bit victimy and slightly missing the point - I guess you all think I'm just boring! or a bit weary like oh well, I need to widen my circle. You don't sound "reserved" you sound a bit depressed to me and like you're protecting yourself from being really affected by your interactions with others. Where is your irrepressible joy in life? Where do you get that from?

The more joy and vulnerability you put out the more friends come to you. But you can't just spin up this out of nowhere or fake it. Maybe there's some inner work to do?

There's no such emotion as meh by the way. You're projecting 'meh' onto others so I think it's something you feel. But that feeling is actually either fear or anger, at bottom. Which is it? What's really going on if you sit with yourself amd kindly interrogate how you feel?

I was going to say this, and that you may not come across as genuine, which is what I’m getting from your posts: a sort of rote, tick-box approach to connections. “If I’m nice and polite and find common ground and discuss that, put XYZ in the people slot machine, friendship comes out.”

Your posts come across as quite serious and as though people are a puzzle you’re trying to figure out as an academic exercise, rather than “I really liked these particular people for these reasons, but they didn’t click with me, I wonder why”.

I don't find them dull, or else I wouldn't talk to them!

Hmm, the way you describe them says differently to me. You say this:

I'm just saying that most people are 'normal' they're not absolutely oozing charisma and intrigue. Just 'regular'.

...but what's wrong with people normal and regular? You honestly make it seem like a dull, negative thing to be.

I'm general, it seems like you find most people a bit "blah" and that comes across in the way you interact with them. And people are going to pick up on that - they're not daft.

Yes this is the feeling I get.

OP feels 'blah' about people and in return they feel she is 'meh'.

I don't see my friends as regular or dull, there amazing people, I don't analyse their charisma though!

I think the trouble sometimes with being reserved and quiet can mean it’s hard to get to know you, and you might be coming across quite closed, and maybe a bit sensible/dull? For example, the words you’ve used to describe yourself sound like strengths on your cv. I think you would be great to work with but I might not think to get a coffee with you in the holidays.

I would work on showing a lighter, positive, open side. Self deprecating humour usually works well and will help you be more relatable. If someone asks how you are, do you always just say fine thanks or do you share the positives/negatives?

With your students, I think if you want to be remembered you have to add something more. For example, are there any podcasts that could support your teaching? For example, business studies, the How I Built This podcast or there’s so many for history/politics. Also, I pick up a lot of anecdotes from podcasts and audiobooks which could help.

I think you sound great - some people desperately need the attention of others and do everything they can to get it. You are getting on with your life. Carry on and don't be jealous. Imagine needing children's attention to make you feel good?

I also notice a pattern in your posts. There is both a combative element as well as a very self absorbed one. You don’t focus on the students, or what makes friends and students warm to uou, how others behave and interact. you just repeatedly tell us how great you are, listing all your great qualities, and then get snippy and combative if anyone suggests any potential small flaw. Then flouncing if you don’t get what you wish

It makes me wonder if you’re the same in real life and this is the issue. I’ve seldom seen anyone extrapolate so much on their virtues, and downplaying any hint of a negative as a positive .

on one side I think it’s fabulous you are so focused on all your wonderful qualities, even the ones you think maybe damaging you play as a positive, but the desire to put your hands over your ears and sing lalala can’t hear you when anyone dares to suggest a reason you don’t see as a positive, could be a indication of why people do not warm to you

What I have found in my life is that if you stand on the sidelines, you will stay on the sidelines. And I say this as someone who has often been left standing on the sidelines.

You can't wait for people to invite you in. You have to step in yourself. If you want to be more involved you have to be proactive about it. You have to put yourself out there.

What I have noticed about the people who tend to be at the 'centre' of things - is really just mindset. They just get stuck in, they don't wait to be asked.

If your approach is a little reserved and sort of held back - then people will assume that is what you want. To hold yourself at a distance. They won't realise you are just waiting to be asked.

It is not about charisma or being 'out there' it is about pushing yourself forward, however uncomfortable that is.