People are always 'meh' about me

[Dooooooooo]

As well as social care I've also got over 10 years of experience in education, in teaching and support roles. I see many teachers/support staff like TAs with walls full of cards from students thanking them for being such an inspiration, they've changed their life and so on. Students crying when they leave, bags full of chocolates and gifts.
I've never received anything like that. That said, I received a 'thank you ' email from 2 A level students this year and that meant a lot. But generally, nothing.
It really shouldn't matter, I know, I've worked in this job because I enjoy helping people.
I worked a lot with A level students as part of one department, however because I wasn't a teacher I was completely excluded from the department. I was there for almost a full academic year but I had absolutely nothing to do with them, I was never included in anything which hurt. On my last day there this year it was just like, ok thanks, cya! From them.
I think it's because I don't have a 'big' personality as such, even though I am conscientious, hardworking and caring in my eyes.
A previous coursemate had also worked with an A level group, she told me they were crying when she left and that they've all met for coffee since, I just thought wtf?
This extends to friendships too. I've always had time to listen to people, when they've had a break up or any sort of issue I've listened to them and supported them. I've never mistreated them or put them down, I've always been kind and there for them.
I don't have a large home to offer them space, I don't have a ton of money to spend on them but I have always given them time.
Still, everyone's too busy, nobody really asks how I am anymore or has any interest in meeting, except for one friend but I think that's more as she wants to recruit me into religion (that's another friend).
I'm sorry if this sounds entitled, I've felt this way for years. I do think it's because I don't have bags of charisma and I'm not one of those big bubbly personalities, even though I still think I'm friendly, polite and kind.
It just gets me down sometimes. What to do really.

Also I imagine you are not a gossiper? I bet you don't gossip about people. Which is a good trait but like it or not, a lot of people who seem to be on the 'inside' are the ones who are gossiping and talking about others or bitching about stuff. Sharing intrigue.

In all the workplaces I have been in the people at the centre of things, know everything about everybody because they gossip and so many people can't resist a gossip.

Being kind, is not always interesting. Sad but unfortunately true.

I feel like this.

I once read that you should surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when they see you.

i couldn’t think of a single person except maybe my daughter :-( my husband and other children do not.

The teacher I share my classroom with has a whole wall plastered in Thank You cards. I didn’t receive any this year at all :-(

I can be loud, silly and make people laugh - I don’t do it to be fake, it’s just who I am. The downside is sometimes people don’t take me seriously. As a contrast I was once told I came across as cold and I was devastated and quick to say I’m not but I’ve started to see how some people who don’t know me can think that. It’s important to reflect on how you are coming across rather than how you think you’re coming across.

Yeah, I think this is valid.

Unfortunately if you constantly withdraw from the world to protect yourself from hurt, it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People find it hard to connect with negative people or people who come across as being quite defensive - so the loneliness continues and they withdraw even more.

Are you an arse lick & that's why the comment triggered you? 😂

Now you’re just validating the OP’s self-protecting notion that she’s ‘authentic’, hence overlooked, and that the ‘loud’, ‘charismatic’ personalities are popular but obnoxious.

Being a gossip is in no way required to have friends.

And, OP, ‘reserved’ is absolutely not a ‘personality type’. It just means you don’t tend to share your thoughts, opinions, personal information readily. It’s entirely independent of what those thoughts, opinions etc actually are. You could be a reserved Tory-voting raver who believes in a Christian God, lives on a narrowboat, loves horror films and going to festivals, or you could be a reserved amateur furniture restorer witch who LARPs, is a mine of information on local history, and spends their weekends reenacting the Battle of Tewkesbury.

No, what an utterly pathetic response.

You clearly struggle with human interaction, I pity you.

Can you genuinely not see why if you attack a stranger online - when they have posted about feeling vulnerable and lonely - that might result in the person withdrawing rather than hanging about to absorb more of your "wisdom"?

I think it is sensible to withdraw when random strangers on the internet start assassinating your character and demanding you accept their cruel opinions as fact.

That’s wildly melodramatic. The OP has had excellent advice, and people unpicking the thought processes and beliefs that have meant she feels people are ‘meh’ about her.

I remember in my old job everytime anyone left they had a leaving buffet, a collection, gifts and generally a massive fuss.

When I left nobody batted an eyelid 😂 literally not one card, nothing.

Took me back to being at school when I left one primary school for another. Nobody even mentioned it on my last day. I was at the new school for around 2 months then ended up back at my old one. I was expecting a load of questions but not one person mentioned it until one girl asked what I’d played in the school play. I said I wasn’t there, I’d left by that point. She replied “you left? I didn’t notice … “ story of my life 😂

Haha calm yourself down 😂

Can you genuinely not see why if you attack a stranger online - when they have posted about feeling vulnerable and lonely - that might result in the person withdrawing rather than hanging about to absorb more of your "wisdom"?

She hasn't been attacked.

She's posted a thread about the fact that she struggles to fit in, but doesn't seem to want to hear any suggestions about how to actually change things.

Or would it be better if everyone just posted lots of platitudes about how lovely she sounds and how it must be everyone else who's wrong?

I've been the person struggling to make friends and you know what? I was part of the problem and it was only when I changed my behaviour that I saw different results.

Good for you, @cinnamonfrenchtoast. can you say what it was you changed? So many posts on here about friendlessness, and the majority don’t take responsibility for contributing to the dynamics that make them feel left out or overlooked.

Thanks @OriginalBin - I'm not going to lie and say it was easy but it's made the world of difference.

I think I see a lot of myself in OP in that I'm naturally quite reserved and introverted and I always struggled to maintain friendships even as a child.

Basically as an adult I've realised that in order to make friends I have to force myself out of my comfort zone somewhat. That's not to say I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, but it means forcing myself to go out and do things sometimes because I know it would make my friends happy.

It's meant forcing myself to invite people places even though internally I'd much rather be home on the sofa but actually I find that the more I push myself, the more I enjoy it - but also the more that people understand I'm a real introvert at heart, if that makes sense.

Sometimes you do have to force yourself to talk about someone's interests even though you'd rather be watching paint dry, because part of being a good friend is showing interest in the things your friends are passionate about - and in turn the right people will do the same for you.

I am an introvert and gravitate towards other introverts. I avoid extroverts and loud 'charismatic' people.

She’s not been attacked. She’s been given gentle constructive criticism as she specifically and proactively started a thread asking about what to do as people do not warm to her. She’s envious of those who are popular and can’t understand why she isn’t.

I also didn’t warm to her from her posts to be honest. Everything was focusing on how many great qualities she has, the list is endless according to the op, she just kept telling us, whilst subtly putting down her colleagues. Too friendly. Too loud, not being proffesional or having boundaries like her. Nothing positive there in her mind.

then she flounced with a superior I won’t be responding further.

this is nothing to do with introversion or shyness. We can only judge from what she’s posted, and that shows a level of superiority, a lack of warmth/empathy and a subtle hint of judgeyness. She is also completely unable to take any form of constructive criticism, and became combative, defensive, and then flounced.

her message is clearly Why do they get the cards and emotion, and she doesn’t, when she is better, her colleagues are just loud with poor boundaries.

if she’s like this in real life, then it will be amplified, and that will be why folks don’t warm to her.

Op just carry on being you . You are enough . I'm an introvert too . I've learned that if you try to be something you are not people pick up on it quite quickly. They will then think you are trying too hard . The only down side to being an introvert is that some people mistake quietness as a weakness . They soon get corrected on that mistake . I don't care if I'm disliked or not , all I ask is that people are polite and civil as I am to them.

This . We can't all be the same . A lot of extroverts are quite selfish and fickle underneath I have found .

'A lot of extroverts are quite selfish and fickle underneath I have found

So are lots of introverts 🤷‍♀️

Being selfish and fickle has nothing to do with being extroverted (or not).

I’m calm, you on the other hand…what’s with all the weird laughing emojis? Have your words failed you?

I get where the op is coming from. At my workplace we have a group of junior staff (late teens/early 20s) One of my colleagues always strikes up friendships with them and is apparently seen as warm and caring and lovely. I am friendly and kind and talk to them but I see my job as to help them develop in their work and skills and give them something good to put on their CVs.
Yesterday first thing I text two who were getting their results to wish them luck. One replied within a couple of hours. The other didn’t reply until 10pm, but I discovered that she did go into work during the day to tell this colleague in person. So I did feel a bit weird about that.
Personally I think this colleague often oversteps the boundaries like purposely probing one young person about a recent breakup when she’d been specifically told not to by a supervisor because the young person had requested that no one talk to her about it at work. Why would anyone would do that? I can only think of selfish motives like nosiness or wanting to be the one that this young person had ‘confided’ in.
She often shares inappropriate details of her life with complete strangers in public (our customers). She constantly talks and talks neglecting her work and distracting others to the extent that i know management have spoken to her about it. Yet it seems the vast majority of people think that she’s lovely. I do wonder though, outside of work she seems to have very few friends and no social life. Although I feel I do tend to keep people at arms length to a certain extent I have a reasonable social life and enough friends to make me content.

I love my job and like most of my colleagues but it is work, not a social club and we are there to get the job done. There need to be boundaries, particularly with young people.

This is it.. being kind, a good listener are great qualities.. But for close friendships or for people to make an effort then you need more, to put yourself out there and make an effort with them, suggest things, be brave. All my close friendships have happened because I put myself out there and kept up the effort, they didn't come to me.
You also need to be funny, self depreciating a little, share any troubles you have, all in a balance of course. People like people who are being authentic.

And it's not really about being a fascinating person usually.
I'd also add being caring and affectionate to my list, people respond well to that

What is your actual job? I would love to give cards and gifts to everyone who helps my kids, but I don’t have enough money. I buy something for their main class teacher and that’s all. Just wondering if maybe the reason you don’t receive anything is because you’re not the main class teacher? Also depends how old the kids are. Parents tend to organise gifts and cards for school kids, but not for A level kids who are virtually adults, and they’re not mature enough to do it themselves.