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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

181 replies

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

OP posts:
nevynevster · 16/08/2023 22:27

Would you be OK to visit your relatives on a long drive with the kids? If so, then there's your answer. He's their Dad and absolutely should be able to take care of them.

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 22:28

I don’t think they are too young to go away to visit their auntie with their dad. Enjoy the peace!

Mischance · 16/08/2023 22:30

It sounds lovely - you will miss them, but I think you have to trust him and his sister to take care of them.

Choice4567 · 16/08/2023 22:31

Does doing those things by yourself feel overwhelming for you? Why does it feel overwhelming to have someone else doing them?

is it the journey that you don’t want them doing, or is it the staying for a week without you?

I mean this gently but both of those things seem reasonable for your husband to do

UpaladderwatchingTV · 16/08/2023 22:31

You are definitely not BU OP, as most mums of LO's would probably feel the same, but it sounds like your DH is perfectly comfortable with the idea of taking them on his own, and having sole responsibility, so what exactly is it that worries you? Does he often have charge of them alone at home, or are you worried that when it comes down to it he'll expect his sister to do take care of them? Or perhaps it's the thought that if something were to go wrong, that it would take you ages to get to them, but if that's the case, as you've said it's possible to fly there, then surely that should help put your mind at rest? Of course it could be something else altogether which you haven't mentioned for some reason. Have you discussed your fears with your DH?

punnetofcherries · 16/08/2023 22:31

Jeez! I'd have loved that opportunity! What a great husband you have!!

TeeBee · 16/08/2023 22:34

They'll be with their other parent. I'm assuming he's a competent dad? In which case, let him crack on.

StillWantingADog · 16/08/2023 22:34

I think you need to trust him to get on with it.

could you drive up with them and then fly back or fly up the following weekend and drive back with them?

or just enjoy a week of peace 😀

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 22:39

Why do you get to dictate? He is not suggesting anything wrong

Original poster
Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:40

Thanks everyone. We have clashed a lot in the past about views on safety with the kids and I guess when I think of them going I just feel overwhelmed at the idea of them possibly getting hurt or harm coming to them in some way due to his very lax approach with things and not watching them properly. It’s hard isn’t it to know if he is genuinely being too lax or if I’m being overly anxious/cautious. Maybe a bit of both

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/08/2023 22:43

He's their Dad. What do think is going to happen?

titchy · 16/08/2023 22:43

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:40

Thanks everyone. We have clashed a lot in the past about views on safety with the kids and I guess when I think of them going I just feel overwhelmed at the idea of them possibly getting hurt or harm coming to them in some way due to his very lax approach with things and not watching them properly. It’s hard isn’t it to know if he is genuinely being too lax or if I’m being overly anxious/cautious. Maybe a bit of both

What's he lax about then, you haven't said so it's difficult to judge. Taking them to see their aunt for a week, regardless of how far away, sounds amazing. What are you concerned about? Is he likely to lose them at an airport if they fly, not put seatbelts on them if they drive?

drpet49 · 16/08/2023 22:43

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 22:28

I don’t think they are too young to go away to visit their auntie with their dad. Enjoy the peace!

This

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

CoachBeardsJane · 16/08/2023 22:45

What a shame you don't trust your husband. Would you expect him to be ok with you taking the kids away? Why is he any different

tootrueblue · 16/08/2023 22:45

Sounds a lovely adventure for them. Don't let your anxiety stop them from making memories. They will have a responsible parent with them - that doesn't always need to be you.

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:45

CoachBeardsJane · 16/08/2023 22:45

What a shame you don't trust your husband. Would you expect him to be ok with you taking the kids away? Why is he any different

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:46

tootrueblue · 16/08/2023 22:45

Sounds a lovely adventure for them. Don't let your anxiety stop them from making memories. They will have a responsible parent with them - that doesn't always need to be you.

The kids are aged one and three. They aren’t going to make any memories on this trip 😂😂

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 22:46

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

You have male issues we get it

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 16/08/2023 22:48

thats a very long drive with only one adult and 2 small children. Is there a train option so he could at least entertain/dish out drinks & snacks. The journey would be my main worry

Azandme · 16/08/2023 22:49

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

The kids won't sleep well? Everyone will be stressed?

What an absolute crock of assumptive, misandristic shit.

Copperoliverbear · 16/08/2023 22:50

It sounds great to me and if you have a husband who is willing to do it, jump at it, he will be fine and he has his sister.
Go and have your haircut, have a manicure and pedicure, go to the cinema and meet friends for dinner, enjoy your free time. X

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 16/08/2023 22:50

I’d probs be more annoyed from a fomo/missing out on a holiday POV.

I take our children away fairly regularly without my husband as he’s busy working. We do lovely things he misses out on and I miss him. Just thinking about it now, I’d probs be more concerned if he did the same, but mostly because I’m their primary caregiver and he isn’t quite as well informed on their quirks.

lunar1 · 16/08/2023 22:52

What are you proposing as an alternative? Are you going to find the time to go with them, or have you just decided he can't see his sister?

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 22:52

I think I might go against the majority view here, as I think dealing with a 1yo and a 3yo is a lot. I think we’d need more info tbh:

  • how good is he at spending time with the two of them without you generally? Does he do this often?
  • how good is his sister with kids? Does she have kids of her own? Does she live somewhere remote?
  • are your children easy children, or do they have any extra needs? Is the younger one teething?

I think a week is quite a long time to be apart from a 1 year old, but maybe that’s because motherhood didn’t come early or easily to me!