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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

181 replies

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 07:21

You’re clearly quite anxious, but…

Your children are really young, he’s completely out of practice driving and seven hours up the motorway is a lot, and your SIL will hardly be there anyway. I’d probably ask him rethink as the plans seem a bit stupid.

FrenchandSaunders · 17/08/2023 07:31

I think it is rather unusual for an 11 year old to have only been away from parents for two nights …. what about scout camp, school trips, sleepovers with friends etc?

CrazyFrogDingDing · 17/08/2023 07:31

I think you're worrying needlessly op.
My husband used to drive over to the UK, a journey of around 15 hours and a North sea ferry, alone with the kids to visit his parents with them for around ten days at a time.
The youngest was 8 weeks old when he first took him.
If there had been any problems, then he had his parents and siblings to help out. Just the same with your husband and kids, he has his family to help if needed and I'm pretty sure they're more than capable.
Let them go while you enjoy the chance to recharge your batteries.
I don't understand why people think men are incapable of looking after their own kids. If they don't trust him to be a dad then why have kids with him anyway.

VinEtFromage · 17/08/2023 07:33

Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 23:05

Flying would be much better, he can give them his full attention then.

@Canisaysomething

i think it's a lot more hassle & stress than just putting them in their car seats.

it's not like they're on some theme park ride, he can stop if they're getting fractious.

Peony654 · 17/08/2023 07:40

hes just as much their parent as you are, and sounds like you have some control issues. He needs to do it so you can then be reassured he is capable and it’s fine.

Rewis · 17/08/2023 07:40

So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

Or he just wants to see his sister and inorder to do that he needs to take the jids with him. Cause using a week of his annual leave to go alone would also be upsetting? Or he wants his kids to have a relationship with their aunt? Weird assumption it's about a performance.

Peony654 · 17/08/2023 07:40

and It’s up to him to decide how they travel. Just leave him to it.

MrsMarzetti · 17/08/2023 07:43

You need to get your anxiety under control. They are with their Dad who i imagine can cope with 2 children. I had 3 under 6 and managed a journey that involved a taxi, 7 trains, a 150 mile car journey and a flight all over 3 days, all after packing up a house sorting the removals and doing a march out clean on a 4 bed house. I didn't even bat an eyelid. Sometimes you just need to bloody get on with it and i really think that is what you have to do here.

Parker231 · 17/08/2023 07:50

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:45

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

Show quote history

Rubbish - dad’s are an equal parent - no different in them looking after their children than the mother. If I couldn’t get the time off work it didn’t prevent DH taking the DT’s to visit his family in Canada.

Escapetofrance · 17/08/2023 07:53

I would feel extremely anxious about my dc travelling that distance without me.
They are very young. Yes, they will most likely be fine and enjoy themselves, but I don’t think it’s worth it at the cost of you worrying. When they’re older-absolutely, but not now.

yogasaurus · 17/08/2023 07:54

Yabu. I do this regularly on my own.

isthewashingdryyet · 17/08/2023 07:54

How will he entertain them in the day if his sister is working ?
and knackered after a days work and exhausted after two evenings of being super auntie ?
I agree with you OP, not his best idea and I’d be very worried for them all.

And is your car okay to go all that way ? If you normally only do very short runs then it’s more likely to break down on the motorway. Have him talk that scenario to you

Summerrainagain1 · 17/08/2023 07:58

I think you are unreasonable.

My family live abroad and I have often taken the children to see them without DH where I have extra leave etc. I would be really annoyed if he tried stop me.

rwalker · 17/08/2023 07:59

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

seems more about creating a reliance on you which in itself can be quite detrimental to everyone involved

Simonjt · 17/08/2023 08:04

Seven hours isn’t that long, I’ve done longer than that several times with small children, it’s fine, you just stop a couple of times for lunch etc if you travel in the day, you can generally stop less if you travel at night as they’re more likely to sleep for longer in the car.

My husbands abroad with our one year old and eight year old, they left on Monday, I likely won’t see them until the end of August. Yes we’ll all miss each other a bit, that’s normal, but we’ll all be fine.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2023 08:04

JockTamsonsBairns · 16/08/2023 23:32

Oh goodness, this isn't my experience at all.

I work full time shifts, and my DH has always been proficient at dealing with everything at home.

We lived in Sussex when my DCs were little, and my wider family lived in Scotland.
We used to do a 9 hour drive to go up and visit.
Train travel was prohibitively expensive, and I would have needed to lug a hell of a lot of stuff.
Flights were relatively cheaper, but the logistics were a nightmare. I was still an hour's drive from Edinburgh Airport, and I would have needed two car seats, plus space for a teenager and me.

Driving was infinitely easier and more convenient, not to mention cheaper. So that's what we did, three times a year for seven years.

Nobody was needy or distracted. The little ones slept for stretches of the journey, then we'd play I Spy, or the ABC game.
We'd stop en route at services for a McD's or whatever.

My DH managed to cope without us for a week. Probably enjoyed it in fact.
Equally, he took the DCs to his parents' for a week without me, when I was on a heavy shift pattern.
It never occurred to me that he wouldn't cope, because he was extremely 'hands on' at home.

Show quote history

So you had a teenager along who could help?

Simonjt · 17/08/2023 08:05

Rewis · 17/08/2023 07:40

So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

Or he just wants to see his sister and inorder to do that he needs to take the jids with him. Cause using a week of his annual leave to go alone would also be upsetting? Or he wants his kids to have a relationship with their aunt? Weird assumption it's about a performance.

I assumed that poster wasn’t capable of parenting alone, so it was a sore subject.

MorningOclock · 17/08/2023 08:06

GodspeedJune · 17/08/2023 00:21

My DD isn’t much younger than your youngest and the idea of her being so far away is unthinkable. I don’t care what other people think about that, it wouldn’t be possible for me and I’d urge you to listen to your gut instinct too.

I also wouldn’t attempt such a long journey with just one adult who is preoccupied with driving either.

Totally agree!

FrenchandSaunders · 17/08/2023 08:07

7 hours really isn’t that long with a break or two. Those suggesting flying … way more hassle than strapping two kids into a car.

Bunnycat101 · 17/08/2023 08:07

I actually don’t think he should take the 1yo. At that age they are often still babies, an absolute pain on long journeys etc. he’s got more chance of it going well just taking the 3yo who might find it quite fun to have a week of 1:1 time with dad. The 3yo can be reasoned with, might enjoy music or an audio book in the car. The 1 year old could scream for 7 hours.

We’ve done some very long journeys with small children to visit relatives. They have been pretty awful if I’m honest and very much not an enjoyable experience. I wouldn’t voluntarily do it on my own with a 3 and a 1yo so think he is perhaps being a bit naive about how the journey could go.

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 17/08/2023 08:08

I wouldn’t have been away from my 1 year old for a week. I’m a SAHM but their dad is very hands on too. 1 is just too little for me. I did leave him at home with them age 3 as had to visit a sick relative. Felt a bit anxious but was ok

LittleMonks11 · 17/08/2023 08:17

YANBU

I wouldn't have liked it and my husband wouldn't have suggested it because he would know that.

Could a compromise be take the toddler and leave the infant? 12 months is young to be away from mum for such a time period.

Or just wait until you can all go.

I honestly don't think it's worth the anxiety for you. Aunty is not going anywhere presumably and can't wait until you can all go.

LittleMonks11 · 17/08/2023 08:19

Also one adult driving with an infant and toddler for me would be a nightmare. You can't pass snacks, pick up dropped books/dummies etc. what if one unbuckles their seatbelt? My daughter used to do that all the time. 😫

Hufflepods · 17/08/2023 08:39

I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming.

You feel overwhelmed at something you don't even have to do??

The main thing is would you be happy with your husband 'putting his foot down' and saying you couldn't travel 7 hours with the kids to see your sister?

If you don't want to use your leave to see his sister this seems like the perfect compromise.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2023 08:52

So you don't trust him lo look after them and keep them safe because of questionable choices he's made previously.

Can yo give so examples so see if he's actually negligent or you're anxious?

Does he know with a 1 to how often he'll need to stop?

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