Page 3 | Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

Guiltridden12345 · 16/08/2023 23:27

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

I travelled similar distance to see relatives with my kids at this age - not an issue! People in airports are very kind to lone parents with small kids and a double buggy! He’ll be fine. This is your issue, not his, so don’t deny your kids the opportunity of precious time with extended family. Meeting at this age and then regularly afterwards can create a bond for life. Plus they’re with dad?

and good on your partner for being so proactive! Massive points there.

commonground · 16/08/2023 23:29

I would feel the same as you - and if I was aunty and knew how you felt, I wouldn't want my brother to bring them either.

It's a really long way for one person and 2 little ones and you sound very distressed about it, which should be enough for your DH to not consider the idea - yet.

You've only had one of your kids for a year- you're not ready to be apart from them yet, it's not an odd thing you are feeling, it's totally normal.

Plenty of time to 'make memories' when they are a little older.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:30

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:45

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

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Are they?

Well this dad clearly feels confident that he isn't crap.

There is such bias on here against good dads.

Whyohwhywyoming · 16/08/2023 23:31

titchy · 16/08/2023 23:04

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

Oh wow.

The only time my kids ever went to a&e was in their dad’s sole care. And it’s ok saying well their dad was crap - maybe the OPs is too? Same with my partner and his DCs - we’ve been together since they were little and he’s lost them numerous times, once quite seriously, because he has this everything is fine attitude. So I can understand OPs worries!

Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2023 23:32

When my dc were 1 and 3 there’s no way I would have been apart from them for a week, or that distance. Hard to rationalise but I didn’t want to be far from them or apart for long. I wouldn’t be comfortable and certainly would choose it - could obviously have coped if I’d been in hospital etc.

i will say this is unusual and most of my friends were happy to have a break from young dc! My dc are 9 and 11 and I’d hate to not see them for a week. The most we’ve been apart is 2 nights. But that’s circumstances and perhaps I’d be ok with it if we’d got into the habit.

yanbu, I think 1 is tiny and quite normal to want to be together! I don’t think I’d even try to compromise - just no, not this year.

JockTamsonsBairns · 16/08/2023 23:32

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:45

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

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Oh goodness, this isn't my experience at all.

I work full time shifts, and my DH has always been proficient at dealing with everything at home.

We lived in Sussex when my DCs were little, and my wider family lived in Scotland.
We used to do a 9 hour drive to go up and visit.
Train travel was prohibitively expensive, and I would have needed to lug a hell of a lot of stuff.
Flights were relatively cheaper, but the logistics were a nightmare. I was still an hour's drive from Edinburgh Airport, and I would have needed two car seats, plus space for a teenager and me.

Driving was infinitely easier and more convenient, not to mention cheaper. So that's what we did, three times a year for seven years.

Nobody was needy or distracted. The little ones slept for stretches of the journey, then we'd play I Spy, or the ABC game.
We'd stop en route at services for a McD's or whatever.

My DH managed to cope without us for a week. Probably enjoyed it in fact.
Equally, he took the DCs to his parents' for a week without me, when I was on a heavy shift pattern.
It never occurred to me that he wouldn't cope, because he was extremely 'hands on' at home.

TossacointoHenryCavill · 16/08/2023 23:33

Flying sounds good except that if you need a car at the other you also beed carseats which is a total headache.
Can he add in a night in a travel inn en route? 3,5 ish hours each day for two days is much more reasonable. Add a stop to run around each day and it’s two mornings travel. Motorways stops with McDonalds’ playgrounds work well for safely burning up some energy during a break.

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:36

Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2023 23:32

When my dc were 1 and 3 there’s no way I would have been apart from them for a week, or that distance. Hard to rationalise but I didn’t want to be far from them or apart for long. I wouldn’t be comfortable and certainly would choose it - could obviously have coped if I’d been in hospital etc.

i will say this is unusual and most of my friends were happy to have a break from young dc! My dc are 9 and 11 and I’d hate to not see them for a week. The most we’ve been apart is 2 nights. But that’s circumstances and perhaps I’d be ok with it if we’d got into the habit.

yanbu, I think 1 is tiny and quite normal to want to be together! I don’t think I’d even try to compromise - just no, not this year.

Yes, but that's all about YOU and how YOU feel.

Not what is right for the children and father.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/08/2023 23:37

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:45

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

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Having a penis makes you worse at looking after toddlers?
What a load of bollocks! 😅

Deathbyfluffy · 16/08/2023 23:39

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:30

Are they?

Well this dad clearly feels confident that he isn't crap.

There is such bias on here against good dads.

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Welcome to MN.
Sadly there’s a ridiculous bias on here that if it were reversed, would have everyone on here up in arms 🙃

Guiltridden12345 · 16/08/2023 23:39

Hire cars have car seats. A 7 hour journey is perfecting doable in a day with some breaks built in. Christ, people on Mumsnet bang on about dads being crap, here’s a dad who’s trying to be a good dad and take his kids away to have a great family experience - like a mother would naturally do without thinking - and everyone starts infantilising him. He can’t drive with 2 small kids alone, can’t drive 7 hours in one day, what if one of them cries/vomit/spontaneously combusts blah blah. Nonsense! What do you think single parents do?? Men Literally cannot Win. And I’m very much a woman.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 23:40

nevynevster · 16/08/2023 22:27

Would you be OK to visit your relatives on a long drive with the kids? If so, then there's your answer. He's their Dad and absolutely should be able to take care of them.

SHOULD is the important word there

Kedece2410 · 16/08/2023 23:41

You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone

What absolute rubbish. The kids are with their Dad & visiting family. They'll probably have a ball. Why the hell wouldn't they sleep? Some men are more than capable of looking after their own children for a few days 🙄

commonground · 16/08/2023 23:43

There will be a point when you will be happy to have a break from them-.and it sounds like it won't be far off tbh, from your OP.

But right now, you will miss them and the thought of them being so far away is upsetting. That's ok - you don't have to grin and bear it. There is no greater good here. You don't have to test yourself. It's OK to say, I will really miss them and I'm not ready for this yet. But maybe I will be next year.

And it's OK for someone (your DH!) to say, I understand that, let's leave it for this year.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 23:44

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:40

Thanks everyone. We have clashed a lot in the past about views on safety with the kids and I guess when I think of them going I just feel overwhelmed at the idea of them possibly getting hurt or harm coming to them in some way due to his very lax approach with things and not watching them properly. It’s hard isn’t it to know if he is genuinely being too lax or if I’m being overly anxious/cautious. Maybe a bit of both

I have this view as my baby's father is not as risk cautious as me and just as I started to relax he very recently burnt my baby with coffee - stupid avoidable accident, totally traumatic. (Thankfully he is ok) . I was only 10 mins away so was there to help quickly, there is not a chance I would be ok with my baby being more than 1 hour away with someone who isn't safety conscious let alone 7. Trust your gut - if your child is in a and e you want to be able to get there immediately ESPECIALLY for young children who don't understand explanation of why you're not there.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 23:45

CoachBeardsJane · 16/08/2023 22:45

What a shame you don't trust your husband. Would you expect him to be ok with you taking the kids away? Why is he any different

She's explained that he isn't safety conscious

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 23:47

JudgeJ · 16/08/2023 22:53

Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

Only in the minds of controlling mothers is it 'blindingly obvious', too many women are jealous of any relationship between their children and their father, they like to push him to one side in favour of his in-laws and then they moan that he isn't doing 'his share'. You can't have it both ways.

This is not op. She is worried about their well-being

EmilyBrontesGhost · 16/08/2023 23:56

Deathbyfluffy · 16/08/2023 23:39

Welcome to MN.
Sadly there’s a ridiculous bias on here that if it were reversed, would have everyone on here up in arms 🙃

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Exactly.

sillyuniforms · 17/08/2023 00:04

I'd have enjoyed the peace

sillyuniforms · 17/08/2023 00:07

Tbh due to my work when mine were both below 3 I had a few weeks where DH had to look after them for a week. Needs must. He juggled work and nursery pick ups & everything. All coped

EmilyBrontesGhost · 17/08/2023 00:09

Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2023 23:32

When my dc were 1 and 3 there’s no way I would have been apart from them for a week, or that distance. Hard to rationalise but I didn’t want to be far from them or apart for long. I wouldn’t be comfortable and certainly would choose it - could obviously have coped if I’d been in hospital etc.

i will say this is unusual and most of my friends were happy to have a break from young dc! My dc are 9 and 11 and I’d hate to not see them for a week. The most we’ve been apart is 2 nights. But that’s circumstances and perhaps I’d be ok with it if we’d got into the habit.

yanbu, I think 1 is tiny and quite normal to want to be together! I don’t think I’d even try to compromise - just no, not this year.

You sound deranged.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 00:15

@Deathbyfluffy it's something that comes up in research and is widely acknowledged that women tend to be the default parent that does most of the parenting so chances are op does know the baby at least better and what the baby needs if they are crying etc. if dad wants to learn all that Greag but can he learn it at home first

booksandbrooks · 17/08/2023 00:16

HRTFT but given the trend of the first part, wanted to pop in and say I wouldn't have been comfortable with this at that age at all.

I know people who were comfortable with being away at this stage and those who didn't until much later, if at all. I only know 2 mums who've had a whole week apart at preschool age.

If you're not comfortable with it that's okay.

Yfory · 17/08/2023 00:16

Sounds bonkers to me. YANBU at all op.

A 7 hour journey is a long time for anyone. Even if they sleep a lot of it - which they may well not. Thats a heck of a long way to drive with two potentially fractious kids and a driver who isnt that used to driving.
They are too young to have any real memory of the trip anyway. Would make far more sense for his sister to visit you instead.

Plus yes Id be in bits not seeing my little ones for a whole week - doesnt sound at all restful to me.

Yfory · 17/08/2023 00:21

EmilyBrontesGhost · 17/08/2023 00:09

You sound deranged.

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Whilst I agree xmasbaby clearly needs to get used to the idea of her kids going away on trips etc - its not at all unusual to have kids at that age who havent spent more than 2 nights away from their parents.
Your comment was unnecessarily rude @EmilyBrontesGhost