Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

181 replies

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 17/08/2023 00:21

My DD isn’t much younger than your youngest and the idea of her being so far away is unthinkable. I don’t care what other people think about that, it wouldn’t be possible for me and I’d urge you to listen to your gut instinct too.

I also wouldn’t attempt such a long journey with just one adult who is preoccupied with driving either.

madeleine85 · 17/08/2023 00:22

I’m in a very similar situation with a 1 and a 3 year old, except abroad and my DH wants to take our kids away to a not childproofed holiday house which has an unfenced pool. His family will be there, but they are a lot older mid/late 70s, and our kids are so young, fast and active. My mum refuses to watch our 3 year old as she’s a runner for context. Although I trust my DH, he also has a broken foot so isn’t at full capacity. I have a work thing so can’t stay the whole trip. After similar worried feelings, I’m going with them for 24 hours then flying back with the youngest one. Then the older one gets dad time which will honestly be nicer for her I think. Can you do something like that?

sillyuniforms · 17/08/2023 00:45

@madeleine85 that would scare me.
When I left mine it was at home for a week but safety wasn't a big issue as such

madeleine85 · 17/08/2023 01:28

I think my DH was a bit hurt at first thinking I saw him as an incapable parent, but we did some talking/took a day or two, and he agreed to the younger one coming home with me approach. It feels like a much better compromise, and fortunately our 3 year old is quite mature, fully verbal and mostly understands water danger (I hope). But one is much easier for my DH to handle than both in a new setting. I’m lucky he’s reasonable on this one tbh, it’s always hard to say no when there’s a grandparents visit when they don’t get a lot of time with our little ones.

Dramatic · 17/08/2023 01:48

EmilyBrontesGhost · 17/08/2023 00:09

You sound deranged.

Show quote history

Deranged?! In what way does she sound deranged? My children are of a similar age and I have never been away from them for more than 2 nights and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. One of my kids would also be very uncomfortable with the idea.

My youngest is 3 and she would be quite distressed to be away from me for a week, let alone when she was 1. I wouldn't be happy at all with her going away for a week, even if it was with her dad.

HowAmYa · 17/08/2023 01:59

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

Wtf even is this response?
We get it. You hate men or have had a shit partner at some point.
Stop painting all men to be the same. It's getting boring as f now

Mariposista · 17/08/2023 02:03

Would he be kicking up such a fuss if the boot was on the other foot and it was you taking them?
He is a parent too, and has a sister living far away. You can’t go. It would be selfish of you to stop him seeing her because of your own insecurities. Imagine if one day some woman stopped one of your children seeing the other.

fullbloom87 · 17/08/2023 02:20

I was like this when mine were little and now they're older I really regret it. I had the opportunity to go to new York for 5 nights and I turned it down because my daughter was 19 months old and I was irrationally scared to be that far from her. I missed a lot of opportunities and now they're older they don't want to miss out on what we're doing so I'm stuck with them all the time.
I would take the break from your kids and treat it as some valuable 'me' time. Trust your husband and your SIL and enjoy it!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 17/08/2023 02:52

Scenario 1: both parents are just as involved and both mum and dad are just as capable of looking after the DC.

Scenario 2: dads do very little, rarely look after both at the same time, and don't have as close a bond to DC who would instinctively turn to mum for anything.

Scenario 3: mum is closer to DC due to maternity leave and their young age, but dad pulls his weight. However mum just come off 12 months maternity leave so is already feeling the absence from the DC when at work. Dad has dealt with both together but nowhere near as often as mum and usually had mum as backup not very far away anyway.

I'm not sure I know of any scenario 1s. Scenario 3 is the more realistic good dad scenario, and very understandable that you're not quite ready to be separated from your DC for a full week, but maybe would jn a year or so.

Don't write it off forever!

PuttingDownRoots · 17/08/2023 03:35

Why not drive together for a weekend, you catch the train back at end of weekend and let them have a few more days before coming home?

readingmynightaway · 17/08/2023 05:15

Let the dad go and I am sure you will be surprised to know the rental company will help.
So will hos sister and those around him.
Fear is no way to love a healthy lifestyle.
Learn to ne ok with you not being in the picture at times.
They will get hurt and harmed that is life.
Video call them and relax!

PurBal · 17/08/2023 05:29

YABU not to trust your DH / their father to care for them.
Whether YABU about not wanting to be separated from them for a week only you can say. I don’t think it’s too long. But everyone is different.
sits and plans a trip to Europe without DH for later this year when children are 2yo and 4mo.

PurBal · 17/08/2023 05:43

@OrderOfTheKookaburra really? You know no one in scenario 1? I do more childcare atm because I’m on maternity leave with DC2, but I have no concerns about DH caring for our toddler. Our toddler would come to both of us equally if he’d say grazed his knee, perhaps slightly more to DH. The only reason he couldn’t care for our baby solo is because he’s 8wo and EBF. Before maternity leave childcare was split equally. DH did mornings and evenings Monday-Thursday (due to my commute / compressed hours) and I did all day Friday. Weekends shared.
There is also scenario 4: dad does more of the childcare, may be a SAHD, and DC naturally run to dad when there’s a problem and not mum… I know a few families like this.

toomuchlaundry · 17/08/2023 05:43

I would not have liked to have been apart from DC for a week at those ages. DS was still being breastfed at 1 anyway so wouldn’t have been possible. If you are the main carer it might not be totally fair on them either.

I also would be very wary of him driving 7 hours with 2 children when he isn’t used to driving. How many breaks will he do?

Does he need to take DC with him to see his sister? Can’t imagine the 1yo will get much from the trip.

BurbageBrook · 17/08/2023 05:44

A lot of 1 year olds have just spent a year with their mums on maternity leave and would be very upset to be separated for a whole week. It's a long time at that age. Plus, you just don't want to, OP, and your feelings are totally valid.

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2023 06:11

If your dh is used to looking after them both then I don’t really see the issue tbh- enjoy the time to yourself

BeeDavis · 17/08/2023 06:57

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

Why have children with him then? What a ridiculous response.

GreyCarpet · 17/08/2023 06:59

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

Slightly different, OP, because I was the one who went away but I went away to the other end of the country when my children were younger. My son was 8 and my I returned the day before my daughter's 1st birthday.

Until then, I'd been the primary carer - their dad worked full time and I'd had 7 months maternity leave and returned to work 2 days a week. But he did his fair share of parenting while he was home.

He had a great time with them. He was more than capable of being the default parent took them on days out, managed the house, made a birthday cake. I had a lovely week of peace and he enjoyed his time with the children.

We split up about 10 years ago. I only dated a few men in that time but 1 of them was childless (so obvs no children!) and two had 50/50 care of the children and were more than capable of taking them on holiday and managing that.

My partner now is nearly 60 and, when his children were young, he and his wife completely shared care of the children because they worked opposite shifts.

I can't comment on the OP husband but not all men are crap with their children!

I'd be more comfortable with him flying though if he's not used to driving - esp with such a long distance.

JennyForeigner · 17/08/2023 07:03

I wouldn't be happy about this but that's because we tried taking our oldest away for weekends as a couple. He has a scarred forehead from the wall he ran into out of sheer mad excitement in one relative's house, while the other was a nightmarish 4 days of traffic jams, falls, non-sleeping and constant bloody exhaustion. Now we have three we are sticking with staycations until it would be actually fun to take them away.

It doesn't have to be about the sex of the parent, it just sounds anxiety inducing. Why can't aunt visit you/near you if they want to spend time together?

Heatherbell1978 · 17/08/2023 07:04

I absolutely get this OP as an anxious person! I would have struggled at that age. I'm not convinced DH would have offered when they were that age though. He took them away for a weekend a year ago at age 5 and 7 and that was totally fine but YANBU in my eyes. This isn't about trust as lots of people are saying, it's about anxiety and you going through all the 'what ifs'. Rationally you know it'll be fine but your mind is whirring. I think you need to be open with your DH about it. Good luck!

WelcomingGnome · 17/08/2023 07:04

Can you go too but work from
Home from your SILs house for the week?

Disconcerto · 17/08/2023 07:04

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

‘So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?’

You think he wants to take them so he can ‘show off’? What an unpleasant comment to make. And there are definitely easier ways to show off in life than taking young kids on a long journey…

Thehippowife · 17/08/2023 07:05

Take unpaid leave and go with them? I would want my kids going that far that young. Once they are able to chat and understand like your 3 year old - fine, but at 1 they will wonder where mummy is.

Mumof2teens79 · 17/08/2023 07:12

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

Why would flying make any difference?
IF there was a need to come back suddenly or for you to go up they would still be just as far away

But really I don't see this as an issue at all.

Hollyppp · 17/08/2023 07:19

Amethys · 16/08/2023 22:44

YANBU. Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

I think the dad is being very selfish suggesting this. You’ll miss them, they’ll miss you even more, the children won’t sleep well, all of you will be stressed and for what? So he can prance about showing off to his sister how he can parent alone?

I would never have allowed DH to take our DC anywhere overnight without me under age three.

This?

sick to death of mumsnet insisting everything is 50:50 in a relationship even down to the amount of daily cuddles you get from your child