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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

181 replies

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:52

Yes I think it’s the journey that makes me most anxious. It’s such a long way and if there is unexpected delays all 3 of them would be so stressed and I’d feel so helpless knowing there was nothing I could do. Also although we have a car we don’t use it much due to our location and I feel he is really ‘out of practice’ driving such a long way. That sounds a bit patronising but it’s the truth…he rarely drives now

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 16/08/2023 22:53

Mumsnet is very ‘anti’ the idea that the mum has a closer bond with young children than the dad, even though it’s blindingly obvious.

Only in the minds of controlling mothers is it 'blindingly obvious', too many women are jealous of any relationship between their children and their father, they like to push him to one side in favour of his in-laws and then they moan that he isn't doing 'his share'. You can't have it both ways.

LilyLemonade · 16/08/2023 22:53

Age 3 fine. Age 1 I wouldn’t like them to be away for me for so long and so far away.

Ginpostersyndrome · 16/08/2023 22:54

I think you're being unreasonable.
My husband's family lived abroad and he took them away every summer from when they youngest was 18 months. I would fly out for 2 weeks and they would stay for 4. I missed them and loved the break - but it was hugely important for them to have family time. My sister lives abroad and has brought her children here without her dp every year as well. I think it's weird that people have children with someone they then don't trust to parent equally.

Willow12345 · 16/08/2023 22:54

Yanbu. I felt the same as you when my DC were young. If you are uncomfortable with this, don't do it. Go with your gut.

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 22:56

I take it him travelling with just the three year old is out of the question?

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 22:56

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:26

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

The only thing is that's going to be a hell of a long drive with no-one else to help/distract

I wouldn't be happy with that for a 1 year-old

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 22:59

Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 22:52

Yes I think it’s the journey that makes me most anxious. It’s such a long way and if there is unexpected delays all 3 of them would be so stressed and I’d feel so helpless knowing there was nothing I could do. Also although we have a car we don’t use it much due to our location and I feel he is really ‘out of practice’ driving such a long way. That sounds a bit patronising but it’s the truth…he rarely drives now

That would worry me too.

Will it be lots of motorway?

The flight sounds a better idea

purplebluediscorain · 16/08/2023 23:00

I have got two nights away from my daughter coming up with her dad, she will be with my mother and I haven’t thought about it enough yet to even realise how hard it’ll be. So I get you on that front. I do also think the 1 year old is too young to be taken away from you. I mean I wouldn’t be completely comfortable with my 20 month old being away from me until she was atleast 30 months old (2.5) for an entire week. Her dad however spends many nights away from us working away etc so he is used to it however he’s always said he isn’t sure how he’d feel knowing she’s not with me.

Original poster
Purpleplanes · 16/08/2023 23:01

i would absolutely love a break and to have my own space and time to think, potter in the house, see friends and family etc but im just not sure it would be a break as I’d probs be thinking about them constantly. It maybe wouldn’t feel so bad once they’d arrived. I get that it’s not fair as like a pp said how is he then meant to see his sister and the kids spend time with her. She would be working most of the time they were there so wouldn’t be able to help much anyway and they have no kids yet. She has visited us a few times so I get he wants to take a turn.

OP posts:
purplebluediscorain · 16/08/2023 23:01

My point is your well within your rights to feel this way and you should be able to voice it and it’s not even about your husband not being competent it’s still the fact those are your babies the one year old would not understand that daddy’s taking them away for a whole week so they won’t see mummy… I think it would mean being unsettled especially if you are main care giver.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 16/08/2023 23:02

A whole week away from a one year old? I couldn't have.

Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 23:03

There's no way I'd do that drive without another adult in the car who can tend to the kids. They're 1 and 3, they're going to be very distracting and needy.

titchy · 16/08/2023 23:04

Oh ffs. Most dads are absolutely crap at looking after toddlers.

Oh wow.

gogomoto · 16/08/2023 23:04

As much as I would have been anxious about it too, I think it's an excellent opportunity both for him to parent the kids without you and you can have a break from being a mum.

Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 23:05

Flying would be much better, he can give them his full attention then.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 16/08/2023 23:05

I would love this and relish the peace and quiet!

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 16/08/2023 23:08

My query would be around how the kids would be away from you. I know my son would have been quite distressed being away from me for that length of time.

Maybe a compromise is in order. Could he go up with the kids tail end of a week, you follow up for a weekend and bring kids back, leaving him there for a couple of days without the kids for some adult time. Limits the time the kids are away from you but gives him the freedom to take them (as their father).

LaviniasBigBloomers · 16/08/2023 23:08

I agree they should fly or take the train, 7 hours is too long for two small people to be in the car with only one driver, especially one who doesn't do a lot of driving.

For everything else though, you are being U. It'll be good for all of you.

DinnaeFashYersel · 16/08/2023 23:11

YABU he's their dad.

Plan some me and make sure your time is filled and they will be back before you know it.

Marmalady75 · 16/08/2023 23:15

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 16/08/2023 23:08

My query would be around how the kids would be away from you. I know my son would have been quite distressed being away from me for that length of time.

Maybe a compromise is in order. Could he go up with the kids tail end of a week, you follow up for a weekend and bring kids back, leaving him there for a couple of days without the kids for some adult time. Limits the time the kids are away from you but gives him the freedom to take them (as their father).

This sounds like a great idea to me!

Fairymother · 16/08/2023 23:22

I took my kids from Aus to europe alone when they were little all the time to go back and forth between my and dhs family. If dh had told me i cant go see my family i wouldnt have been happy at all.
so i think you need to let him go, unless hes really incompetent.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/08/2023 23:23

I don't think a 7 hour drive for a baby and small child with no adult other than the driver is a safe idea. How many stops is would he be planning? How would he manage food/bottles/vomiting/crying while he is driving on a motorway?
I wouldn't agree to that, unless you can travel with him to help on the journey.

If he can travel some other way, eg plane/train then maybe, but really a baby of 1 is very young to be separated from its mother for a whole week.

Whyohwhywyoming · 16/08/2023 23:26

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 22:46

You have male issues we get it

Show quote history

The number of threads from women whose DCs parents are pathologically unable to look after their own offspring suggests it isn’t one person’s issues

grumpycow1 · 16/08/2023 23:27

Could you compromise and travel there all together on the weekend? Then you plan to fly back early and he stays a couple of days longer? That way it’s not such a huge chunk of time away from them. And helps him with one leg of the journey. I think it’s natural to not want to be away from your 1 year old, but you should also put trust in your DH.

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