Don’t want husband to take kids 7 hr drive away

[Purpleplanes]

Would be good to get some general views on this. My husband wants to visit his sister who lives a 7 hour drive up north from us. He has suggested that as he has more leave to take from work he could go and visit and stay with her for a week and take our kids with him who are aged 1 and 3 years old. Unfortunately I don’t have much leave available to take and I could only visit for a weekend instead.

i feel im being unreasonable but I really don’t feel comfortable with my 2 small kids being so far away from me and for so long. I know they are with my husband but still just feels so far away 😢. It is causing me lots of anxiety. My husband and kids could possibly fly up north which would reduce travel time but I feel overwhelmed the thought of him trying to manage our two small kids at an airport on his own and then hiring a car at the other side and then continuing their travels….feels really overwhelming. I’m wondering how others would feel in this situation? I think I’d feel much more comfortable them going alone in a couple of years and when the kids are older and their behaviour is more predictable etc. they just seem so young. Thanks

YABU

I used to do this regularly as a single parent.
Get up at 3am and start driving asap having slept in my clothes and everything ready the night before.
You miss most of the traffic and as the sun starts coming out you also feel more energised.

The kids would hopefully be asleep as it’ll be dark and they can wear a nappy so there’s no need for a toilet stop 10mins into driving.
If the kids are asleep and he’s desperate for a wee, he can literally just pull over and go in a hedge.

Then they can plan that every 1 1/2 hours they get out for a toilet stop and to stretch their legs.
There are service stations regularly along the motorway in England and so if he doesn’t feel he needs to stop then he can just carry on.

Why not suggest he books a Travelodge half way down both ways?

If he could easily drive for another 3 hours then he’ll know for the next visit and not need to book a hotel.

Or could you go with him and then get a flight/train home when you’re working and then get another one back down and then drive with him on the way back?
You’ll still save money and you get to share the driving.

He'd manage them just the same as many single parents have to, absolutely fine.

I understand your concern about the journey. YANBU to think a 7 hour drive is a big undertaking with or without two young DC, especially if he is out of practice.

Is it possible that he could travel up at the weekend when you could go with them and share the driving and childcare enroute? You could them settled in at the other end then return home by train or air.

They have the week there then youvfly/train up and share the drive home again. It would then mean you were only away from your DC 4 to 5 days instead of a whole week and he doesn't have to struggle alone with a difficult journey.

From 1 years old my friends son has been flying back to Poland with his dad for 2 weeks every summer without her to see family. She loves the 2 week break - we go out drinking, restaurants, girls days out!
It was never a question whether he could cope, he just had to.

Sleepovers are usually only one night. Not every child goes to scouts and schools don't always do residential trips at primary age (my kids primary doesn't)

In fact I didn't spend a single night away from my parents til I was 11 and had a one night sleepover at my friend's house (who lived in the same street as us. I probably only slept away from them 5 nights before I moved out at 17, I don't see that as an abnormal situation?

I would happily wave them off! I took my youngest to another country and left dh home alone at 1. And when my eldest was 18 months, I went to Australia for work for 2 weeks. It was great.

I mean, honestly, a 1 & a 3 year old for a week doesn't sound fun, but I'd be packing their bags for them. I'd trust that dh could handle it as well as I could - but also that he'd probably regret the decision after it was too late. I'd enjoy my week alone.

People seem to be presuming OP wants to be separated from them and 'enjoy some me time'. It doesn't sound like she does. Everyone's different.

Yanbu and for us it just wouldn't happen, I wouldn't be without my ds for a week and thankfully my husband would never ask me to be away from him for that long

@Dramatic In fact I didn't spend a single night away from my parents til I was 11 and had a one night sleepover at my friend's house (who lived in the same street as us. I probably only slept away from them 5 nights before I moved out at 17, I don't see that as an abnormal situation?

It is an abnormal situation really though.

I’m quite surprised with the responses you’ve gotten. I’m wondering how many who have commented quite harshly currently have children that age! My LO is 2 and I wouldn’t feel comfortable being away from her for a week, with that distance and definitely wouldn’t at 1! I’m not sure any of mums I know would either. Have you been able to talk to your husband about how you feel?

Wow, then why even have kids with a man you obviously do not trust or have any respect for.

Well, mine aren't that age now but I know that I'd have been fine with leaving mine with their dad for a week at that age because I did.

I didn't occur to le.once to be concerned about how he'd cope because he was their dad. I did the lion's share of daytime parenting because he worked full time and I worked 2 days a week (my daughter was just coming up to one) so I filled him in on a couple.of things he might not have been as familiar with amd decided he'd work out the rest, which he did.

I had a lovely week away that I really benefitted from and he amd the children really benefitted from their time together too.

I'm pretty sure, if it had been the OP talking about taking the children away for a week, no one would be questioning her ability to cope or suggesting she was doing it to show off 🙄

That’s great that it worked for you and of course it’s possible for it to work. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having that time apart if everyone is comfortable it it.

I also think it can be a important to acknowledge that not all mums are ok with it and separation can be difficult! I found a lot of the posts quite invalidating of this experience. As a western society we tend to push the narrative that mothers shouldn’t be too attached to their babies and should encourage independence as soon as possible. Unfortunately that goes against our nature and can often feel uncomfortable. This is also ok. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to be away from your babies for that long with that amount of distance, if you are not fully comfortable with it. If you are great, but doesn’t mean everyone will be or should be.

I would have really struggled without mine at that age, but that was me, not them. They would have been fine. Think it was just my hormones.

I still miss them now when they’re away, but it’s not the same. And anyway, we can text and talk on the phone.

I honestly think you just have to trust their dad, crack on with work and pampering yourself and they’ll be back before you know. Also, you can video call even with the little one. It will be fine.

Unbelievable reading that people wouldn't 'allow' their DH to bring their kids away!
Assuming parental right etc, your wishes don't trump your husbands!!

Absolute nonsense on this thread! And then we wonder why men cannot/won't parent... likely because their wives etc won't let them

This

Could you take unpaid leave?

"Allowed"? Sounds like someone is desperately trying to pretend she's indispensable.

Massively abnormal and not very good for most people either.

My STBXP is taking our 2 year old up north tomorrow to see friends. I'm looking forward to it because it's a quiet weekend for me just with the baby. It's also lovely for them to have time together just the two of them.

Feelings aren't unreasonable, but it isn't something I think most people would be bothered by... is there a particular reason?

Can you give some examples of his lax approach to safety and not watching properly? Might help to clear up whether you are over anxious or have just cause?

This is a bit uncalled for, she's not dictating anything and has said she knows her feelings are unreasonable, she's clearly looking for reassurance.

Oh, I agree.

But an awful lot of posters have also suggested what he wants to do is unreasonable, that no one else would he comfortable with it either, that dad's aren't as capable and will palm the children off on his sister, that it will be too much for him. And those just aren't necessarily true either.

I would not brave a 7hr drive solo with two littluns, that sounds like hell. Maybe we’ve got a difficult kid but long journeys require one driver and one chief entertainer! I also wouldn’t want to be apart from my 1yo for a week. I don’t think that’s so unusual, although the answers here are making me wonder! Certainly my friends with young children wouldn’t choose it.

Would your H consider taking just the 3yo? Much more manageable.

This^. Trip sounds great but often the reality is different to what is envisioned