Page 37 | has anyone managed to pay for private school on a lowish salary? I am so worried about ds going to state school

unhw · 2023-08-16T18:31:25+00:00

Me and ex are divorced. DS is 3.5. Ex pays me 700 a month, he never sees DS so obviously that amount would change if he did start to see him. I have been to some schools near here to look at them because if ds does go to a private school then I would want him to go to the nursery part too, from the word go. At the moment he goes to a nursery near the house which is average at best, despite an outstanding ofstead rating. The schools are awful. There are so many kids. Barely any smartly dressed. Seems to be no order and organisation. Pick up is 3:20 (?!) so god knows what would happen to my job. I really really want him to go to private school and the one I’ve seen is around 18k a year for primary. Has anyone done this on a low salary and if so how? Did you move house or downsize etc. I don’t want to do anything extreme but my priority is this and I would do what it takes it there’s a way.

Window82 · 23/08/2023 08:35

@LJBones but isn’t your view entirely subjective, you can’t know the value private education had as you can’t see your clone doing the state route at the same time?

Cathknight · 23/08/2023 08:44

Mirabai · 22/08/2023 21:17

Your child will thrive in any school if you nurture him and focus on his needs. This includes the best school for him at each stage of his life.

Says a poster whose kid went to a private/grammar school (not clear which - I guess one of those named grammars that are actually fee paying?)

@MirabaiBreathe and then reread what I wrote. I am offering an example to show that it is best to focus on your child’s needs. I believe, with hindsight, I didn’t. Had I, I would have followed the state school route from start to finish. Instead, I was sucked into the prep-school-is-best mentality, which, where I live, seems to rarely be the case.

For what it’s worth, certainly where we live, grammar schools are state schools. Not fee paying.

Sometimes, @Mirabai, it’s good to be a little humble.

Cathknight · 23/08/2023 08:47

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 18:58

Do people actually not understand what “full scholarship” means?

It means there are no school fees to pay.

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@Mirabai, are you always so unpleasant?

Cathknight · 23/08/2023 08:55

LJBones · 23/08/2023 00:54

It’s a long one sorry but here’s my two pence on the matter.

I was privately educated from reception to y8 at two different schools. I moved to a state school in y9 because we couldn’t afford private for both me and my sister anymore. My sister did private from reception to y11. She went to a local 6th form and dropped out before christmas first year. She sat at home doing nothing for 2 years before finally getting a job at a cinema.

We definitely weren’t high income (hence the dropping out) and it sounds so materialistic but most of my experience of childhood was comparing what we didn’t have to my classmates who had everything. We didn’t have luxuries because all our money went to school so we couldn’t afford anything else. We never went on nice holidays abroad like my classmates. My entire wardrobe consisted of my yearly birthday trip to primark while everyone around me wore barbour jackets and other fancy brands. I couldn’t do all the extra curriculars I wanted because we couldn’t afford it. I was the one kid who didn’t go on the yearly ski trip with all my mates. I was embarrassed to have people over because my tiny box room in our 3 bed semi was nothing compared to my mates who had acres of land with a pool. Like I said, I know it sounds so materialistic, but when you’re young those things matter to you. I didn’t get to experience all the things that even those in state schools had because we just couldn’t afford it on top of school.

In terms of education levels, I honestly wouldn’t even say there was that much difference between state and private. Especially in primary. Not to mention the long days were exhausting. I really do think I’d have received the same grades I did if I would have stayed private. But I went to college, graduated from uni, and have a job in my field of study.

I think it totally depends on how your child views education and if they’ll see all the sacrifices as worth it. If your kid thrives at school and is genuinely grateful for an education then private can be a good thing and they will see the sacrifices as worth it. If they just see school as school then there will probably be resentment for the things they missed out on because their education took priority. Your child is so young that you don’t know how they’ll view it as they get older. If they do thrive at school and want to succeed in education then I’d say go for a private secondary if both you and they think it will be worth it.

This isn’t just me bashing private schools, I’m coming from the perspective of someone who did private school on a lower income and how it affected me.

Like I said, sorry it’s a long one but that’s just my opinion on things.

@LJBones thank you got your honest review. I experienced the same as a parent. With hindsight, I know my child and I would have been happier had I opted for the state school route. Try as I might? It was hard to fit in. People do make judgements based on material worth.

The ground on which I was judged were on shaky grounds. Many of the mothers didn’t work full time, if at all and the fees paid for by grandparents, do they had no concept of what it’s like to have to work to achieve this. Looking back, I was wrong to feel inferior to them 🤷‍♀️

SwingandaPrayer · 23/08/2023 09:11

Rather than reducing to 4 days a week when he finally starts school,can you not reduce your daily hours so you don’t need to leave him in school until 6pm every day. That is such a massive long day for a 3 year old (or any Primary aged child) and they will be exhausted.

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 09:29

Cathknight · 23/08/2023 08:44

@MirabaiBreathe and then reread what I wrote. I am offering an example to show that it is best to focus on your child’s needs. I believe, with hindsight, I didn’t. Had I, I would have followed the state school route from start to finish. Instead, I was sucked into the prep-school-is-best mentality, which, where I live, seems to rarely be the case.

For what it’s worth, certainly where we live, grammar schools are state schools. Not fee paying.

Sometimes, @Mirabai, it’s good to be a little humble.

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I read your post thanks, and it’s clear you have zero experience of the worst of state schools, so patronising guff about a child thriving in any school if they’re nurtured is laughable. Tell that to a parent with a child who’s being bullied, or in a school in special measures, or with an ASD child in a school with poor SEN support.

I would take your own advice re humility.

Cathknight · 23/08/2023 09:42

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 09:29

I read your post thanks, and it’s clear you have zero experience of the worst of state schools, so patronising guff about a child thriving in any school if they’re nurtured is laughable. Tell that to a parent with a child who’s being bullied, or in a school in special measures, or with an ASD child in a school with poor SEN support.

I would take your own advice re humility.

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@Mirabai im truly sorry you do have these experiences. I wish you well and hope you find the best outcomes for you and your children.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/08/2023 10:10

@Cathknight I'd agree with @Mirabai that mine are in private because they DIDN'T thrive in state, despite being lovely, bright, engaged children with teacher parents. One was bullied horribly and starting to be drawn into pretty awful peer groups and one found secondary state just too huge and chaotic. I'm v v fortunate that I was able to make the choice to put them in the right environment and it irritates me hugely when this "good kids will be fine anywhere" line gets trotted out. There is not a single statement that can be made on this topic that holds true for all schools, all kids or all outcomes.

Blondebrunette1 · 23/08/2023 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all but this user is a previously banned troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

@rehol not bollocks, the genuine experience of others. OP is open with her thoughts on the lower standards of state schools, my comment addresses the fact that there is always judgement wherever you go. I am not against private school and I'm not saying all kids/parents will act like this however, there will very likely be some.

My response to OP is from the perspective that you can provide lots of extra opportunities without pushing your financial stability on private school, not that she's wrong to or that she shouldn't. Poor finances take their toll on people's over all well being and it's very important if wanting to go down this route, to be factoring in things like trips and residentials that will be added along the way and considering if the burden will be too much with the sacrifices needed to make it work. If there's affordability with just a small stretch so the sacrifices in their home life are worth it for OP, then fair enough but if it's such a stretch that this is a concern then there are other options for additional tuition, grammar schools etc. No not everyone at private school cares if you're wealthy or not, just as not all kids who go to state school have lower standards or are less capable.

Fallingthroughclouds · 23/08/2023 10:39

Cathknight · 22/08/2023 12:04

@unhw Only you know the answer to your question. Your child will thrive in any school if you nurture him and focus on his needs. This includes the best school for him at each stage of his life.

I suggest you visit all the local school options, ignoring the school status as you do and see what your gut feeling tells you. I ignored my gut feeling and have long regretted this - and think often of what I could have done with the money… like now be close to retiring!

It’s likely you will only have one state school allocated. Don’t bother looking at those out of catchment. You can’t “want” your child a place. Ignore the puff each school will give you. It’s just that.

At my son’s selective grammar, the children who went to the excellent state primary, with the scruffy polo shirts, are head and shoulders above those who attended my child’s “lovely little prep school with gorgeous uniform.” Academically as well as in confidence.

They also moved up with lots of friends and seem to still be friends. Local friends are very important. My child’s friends lived far and wide to his prep. They then scattered to different catchment grammars.

Interestingly, these same local state school kids, on average, tended to do better in their A levels, results received last week.

We live in a “nice” area, so there is very little difference in family profile at either school. In fact, many of the state school parents seem to be in higher paying jobs. This makes me think they’re more financially astute than me and thought through their children’s educational choices with their heads and not their hearts or social egos.

I will admit, I liked to say that my son went to private school. Possibly as an only parent it made me feel more socially aligned. It didn’t. A single parent is a single parent and there are stigma’s that go with this, still. Prep school parents are often new money and the worst kind of snobs.

I probably entered the school as a pseudo snob, but I was soon put in my place! For me it was a lonely experience. I think for my son too. Many mums in particular, judge who is worthy of being friends with their child by the size of their house and mother!

Is new money and old money actually still a thing? Isn't the world we live in totally ridiculous.

annonyymity · 23/08/2023 10:51

About being 'the poorest' there are minority of horrible people wherever you go, and some will bully for not having the right clothes or status symbols (car, house), even whispers about the bursary or scholarship children, though that's a cliché I haven't seen much since Blyton. Class is probably more important in the same low level way.

We were among the 'poorest' when I was at private school, and especially after my mother separated and divorced from my father, and I remember (though I didn't know it at the time) that my mother didn't pay my fees for months while this was going on and had to be called in after ignoring letters to pay.
I think the 'poor' thing bothered my mother more than it bothered me. She was a ridiculous snob and grew angry that I once let a parent of a school friend drop me off in front of our new, smaller house.

I think the main time I felt judged (though not me being judged I know) by the school was when she was a single parent, and working, that I'd often be late for school or have the wrong shoes (they were regimental about the uniform, from satchel, blazer and hat, etc) or gym kit forgotten or something she'd get wrong. I was too young to organise it for myself and I was taken in by car as it was some distance. It made me anxious.

That turned into an essay. I've posted before in the thread but name changed to post the above as it's definitely outing. I think the OP could afford private school for one, especially prep and juniors. Asking for a bursary with £80k (in total) is taking the Michael as it will be near, or above (depending on school) the cutoff. She might get a tiny amount, if successful, but I doubt it. It's really intended for poorer people.

Manthide · 23/08/2023 14:41

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 09:29

I read your post thanks, and it’s clear you have zero experience of the worst of state schools, so patronising guff about a child thriving in any school if they’re nurtured is laughable. Tell that to a parent with a child who’s being bullied, or in a school in special measures, or with an ASD child in a school with poor SEN support.

I would take your own advice re humility.

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My eldest two dds went private because our local state secondary was failing - in fact the whole time they would have been there it was in a state of flux so whilst they might have been okay there they certainly had a better educational experience at the private school.
Almost 10 years later dd3's primary school was in special measures and in fact it closed for good at the end of her year 6. Through my support and her hard work she achieved 117 greater depth in her SAT's . The local secondary school is now doing well and I planned on her going there. Also the school would have got pupil premium for her. She decided she wanted to go to her big sisters' private school.
Ds has SEN and is ND. The Senco was mostly absent at his state school and I had to pay for outside help in the end. He was also starting to get bullied at his primary school and I thought it would be worse at secondary. He loved being a day boy at his public school and at age 20 his school days are a source of happy memories. Each child is different and so is every situation. As parents we can only do our best.

Window82 · 23/08/2023 15:24

I went to a local comp and tbh I was bullied. It taught me resilience but was also the source of a lot of early trauma that lowered by self esteem.

my DH went to a Private school, his siblings and parents talk about the school ALL the time, it was the source of close friendships for the ILs as well as the kids. My parents got nothing from my time at school, just hassle re the bullies and how it was affecting me at home. My DH’s best friends are still his school mates. I guess that’s what I’m buying for my kids. The better experience.

annonyymity · 23/08/2023 15:55

There was bullying and bullies at my private school @Window82 I wasn't a target, but I saw it.

I think that's bad luck that can happen anywhere, and how the school deals with bullying.

Beezknees · 23/08/2023 17:00

Window82 · 23/08/2023 15:24

I went to a local comp and tbh I was bullied. It taught me resilience but was also the source of a lot of early trauma that lowered by self esteem.

my DH went to a Private school, his siblings and parents talk about the school ALL the time, it was the source of close friendships for the ILs as well as the kids. My parents got nothing from my time at school, just hassle re the bullies and how it was affecting me at home. My DH’s best friends are still his school mates. I guess that’s what I’m buying for my kids. The better experience.

I went to a local comp and wasn't bullied, my closest friends are all people who I went to school with.

redskytwonight · 23/08/2023 17:57

Window82 · 23/08/2023 15:24

I went to a local comp and tbh I was bullied. It taught me resilience but was also the source of a lot of early trauma that lowered by self esteem.

my DH went to a Private school, his siblings and parents talk about the school ALL the time, it was the source of close friendships for the ILs as well as the kids. My parents got nothing from my time at school, just hassle re the bullies and how it was affecting me at home. My DH’s best friends are still his school mates. I guess that’s what I’m buying for my kids. The better experience.

I was bullied at private school and so was my niece (now 18). In my niece's case, the school literally said "what do you expect us to do?"

Bullies can be found anywhere