has anyone managed to pay for private school on a lowish salary? I am so worried about ds going to state school

[unhw]

Me and ex are divorced. DS is 3.5. Ex pays me 700 a month, he never sees DS so obviously that amount would change if he did start to see him.

I have been to some schools near here to look at them because if ds does go to a private school then I would want him to go to the nursery part too, from the word go. At the moment he goes to a nursery near the house which is average at best, despite an outstanding ofstead rating.

The schools are awful. There are so many kids. Barely any smartly dressed. Seems to be no order and organisation. Pick up is 3:20 (?!) so god knows what would happen to my job.

I really really want him to go to private school and the one I’ve seen is around 18k a year for primary. Has anyone done this on a low salary and if so how? Did you move house or downsize etc. I don’t want to do anything extreme but my priority is this and I would do what it takes it there’s a way.

Why don’t you change areas to an area with good schools ? For 18 k a year. you can upgrade your location into a good catchment area

1. You are not on a low salary.
2. There are no bursaries or scholarships for primary aged children. These are generally offered by private secondary schools for children who show particular aptitude either in academics or sport/music. They are not available for 4 year olds because it's too early to identify any aptitude
3. On £85k, you can probably afford private school for one child, if you are prepared to cut back significantly in other areas: move to a smaller house, holidays in the UK only, get a cheap second-hand car, restaurants/takeways only on rare occasions. Are you prepared to cut out all those things?
4. It doesn't matter if primary school children are scruffy. Look at the results of your local schools, or look around the schools. State primaries are not that bloody bad!
5. Your kid might turn out to be thick, and not pass the test for private secondary school anyway

We’re on a relatively low income (we earn about £39,000 a year between the two of us) and we have two kids in private school for various reasons.
The only way we afford it is quite complicated but it might help you work out your own situation.
Two children, 6 years apart, not planned that way, it just is.
Older one went to nursery at the school because it was cheaper than the council one next door.
She stayed for primary for various reasons, but when she started, I was working full time so we were bringing in closer to £60k so could afford it.
The six year gap meant we didn’t have to pay for her brother until she was Yr 4, by which time she got a 50% scholarship because she’s very academic.
Her brother got a sibling discount, then his sister got two more scholarships.
In the meantime, a relative died, left us a bit of money (£20k) so we cleared off some debts and rearranged the mortgage at a time when rates were very favourable and fixed it for I think it was seven years, which freed up about another £5/600 a month which then, added to the discounts meant we could afford to put that into school fees.
My very old car packed in, but the relative who died had a reasonably new one that we were then given because his wife didn’t want it. So that was something else we didn’t have to finance.
And day to day, we don’t spend much money on holidays, meals out, etc so we keep up with the fees. We do have treats, obviously, but nothing like we did when we were both well paid and childfree.

So, I appreciate that our situation is very specific and there is a massive element of things aligning at the right time (if that’s the right phrase, I won’t use the word “luck” because we lost a much loved family member in horrible circumstances), but that did give us the opportunity to clear most of our debt, which was what was crippling us each month, once I was made redundant and took a much lower paid job.

And yes, there will be commenters who say we could have expensive things if we didn’t pay school fees, but you never know another person’s story or why they made the decision that they did.

So, long story short, it’s not necessarily possible in your situation but it might not be.

You make me want to move to the Uk! Only 100 in a term that is awesome!

My riff raff children have done rather well at state schools - they even pronounce the 't' in water.

My dc went to the local village school and rhen the local village college (comprehensive). They had friends across the social spectrum including friends who lived in Council Housing to friends who lived in massive houses with horses, second homes abroad etc.

We lived near Cambridge at the time, so a lot of parents were university academics or medics at Addenbrookess.

They wore polo shirts and sweatshirts st primary,because that was practical. The school had a nature reserve on site and also its own swimming pool, so there was a lot of changing of clothes. The teaching was excellent.

When DS1 was a teenager he had some serious MH issues.The pastoral care from the school was outstanding. I suspect that if he'd been in. private school he would have been asked to leave as he would have dragged the A level results down.

You could move to a better area. I’d definitely ask rich grandparents for help. How odd that they won’t.

It's not odd at all. They have other grandkids and buying an iPhone and a couple of pairs of Nike trainers per year isn't quite the same as shelling out for school fees

I think your attitude towards the state sector is very dismissive and inaccurate. I suspect all the other grandchildren are at private school, you went to private school and you're facing the family 'shame' of sending him to state.

And what happens if you lose you job in the future, and you have to pull him out of private school because you can't afford it? Are you planning to guilt trip your family into paying the fees then?

I went to private school op...it aint all that. If you are poor it's hard to fit in...terrible bullying etc.
Both sister and I wish we'd gone to the comp where we fit in socially.I am not a high earner as a result.

And as an ex teacher I can say that the worst behaviour was at the exclusive catholic boarding school. The pupil referral unit was far easier to teach in.

I can understand why you would want you son to go to private school, the wrap around care and sports facilities makes sense if you have a high pressure job with long hours. Trying to arrange after school clubs and sports clubs on your own can take up a lot of head space and relies on you have local friends to share drop off and pick up with.
will your ex pay towards school fees, or would your parents lend you the money?

That's not a low or lowish salary

But would still be tight

-£76k, even £65k is not a lowish salary, it's about twice the average salary in the uk.

• Many - most- state schools are fine, especially at primary level.

@unhw I think you are understandably nervous about your child starting school, but maybe a bit of perspective is needed. Have you really looked at state schools, or did you walk by/visit at break time and decide that everyone looked too scruffy for you to associate with? I'd hazard a guess that any group of primary school age dc will look a bit scruffy after break.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done much proper research, apart from saying the kids aren’t smart (why does that matter)? I personally think private school should be banned. Save your money and pay for extra tuition and extra curricular stuff

It's not the staff's job to focus on what the pupils wear, it's the parents job.

When looking around schools I remember one in particular that mentioned shoes being muddy or with a bit of paint on were the signs of pupils getting on and doing things, and making the most of school. It made sense.

Blazers look smart but they're totally impractical for art or football at lunchtime.

As long as the children are wearing clothes that fit and follow the rules I wouldn't focus on that in particular.

Staff are there to educate and provide pastoral support and guidance. Not make sure the children look smart.

I would suggest you have a good look at the secondaries in your area and see whether you can find any you like. If not, move

Not all children in private schools are posh - and in fact, many are in private school because the state system has let them down.
In our case, I don’t want to go into too much detail because it will identify me, but my eldest was going to state, but we got none of the schools we applied for (all within half a mile of our house). We applied specifically for certain schools because our daughter has ASD and couldn’t have coped in a big one.
Instead we were given a failing, four form entry four miles away and when we visited, the head said “We only get the ones that all the others can’t fit in. We’re like clearing for 4 year olds” and various other negative things.
I told him my child was academic and he said “They all say that” and he didn’t stream children because “90% would be in the bottom stream, so what’s the point?”
My daughter then went on to get three academic scholarships before Year 7.so she is academic, after all.
And we had no grounds for appeal because the council had provided a suitable place that we couldn’t prove was out of reach as we both drove.
You can’t appeal on the grounds of just not liking a school.
So, had the state system not let us down, then we would never have been private school parents.
But it was an option for us so we took it. And I don’t think there are many parents in that situation who, if it was remotely possible, wouldn’t do the same.

I'm going to buck the trend and say it's doable in the absence of any useful financial info.
Your ex gives you £8600 pa - that's half the fees
Your take home after tax is £46k, deduct your share of the fees and you are left with £3117 pm
The rest of your outgoings you haven't shared so only you know if you have a mortgage of £500 or £2500.

Both of my kids are at private school all the way through. They are there because our financial circumstances permit it and the level of additional educational support they get there that's needed. I went to state school and my husband went to state primary. Class sizes are smaller yes but they grow much bigger as they get older. Don't assume such tiny ratios all the way through.

All nurseries are chaotic - they should be. Small children aren't designed to sit in one place and look forward to a whiteboard. They will all be doing activities and often these will
Be different at the same time. One group will be building something while another will be dressing up and doing drama. They will all be learning from each other and the teacher in short bursts. A good school will have them all in comfy practical clothes that can be washed after paint, puke and inevitable toilet accidents. I'd run a mile from a school with a "smart" nursery uniform because it will cost you a bleddy fortune even with a second hand shop which we make extensive use of. They grow so quickly the clothes are often near perfect

Both of us earn significantly more than you, it's still a financial struggle but we skip holidays, drive one ancient car, contain our costs as much as possible. We are better off than most parents at the school I suspect and yes there is a small percentage who are v v well off and everyone assumes that's the case for all parents at all private schools. We have a nice life, I am not complaining but the fees rise significantly every year and Labour are promising change on private school fees. The worst thing is knowing you want to vote in the political party who is going to make your life significantly harder!! I couldn't bring myself to vote for Boris last time.
School hols are 16 weeks. You can cover 4 maybe? Camps are £25+ a day right now so that's £125+ per month.

Lots of kids join the prep in year 5. It gets them up to speed for entrance exams and/or 11+ depending on where you live. I would save hard for secondary school and extra support if needed at primary. Take your ex's money and bank it for the future. If needs be tell him. If he's a wanker who will decide you don't need it then don't.

You have a decent salary which will hopefully grow over time. Enjoy your sons childhood with him. Volunteer with the school, fundraise for them, buy kumon maths lessons, extra tuition, music lessons for a scholarship if needs be. Your son has already lost one parent, don't make your life a grindstone of stress and worry and endless childcare because you've created a millstone around your neck.

Having posted upthread about my own children’s achievements following state school education I would just like to add that I am also quite anti private school education and always have been.

My job requires me to visit a different school every week, both private and state.

I think private schools give children a slanted view of the world and state schools prepare them for reality.

Many parents obviously prefer to protect their children from this reality.

There are no private schools in our small city or even near enough to commute to so obviously all 3 kids went to state school.
Same primary school for all 3 & 3 different state secondary schools. Oldest has now left school and is at Yale.

His state school, where almost 30% of kids are on free school meals, was amazing at helping him with the application. Another one of their pupils got in to Yale this year. Also as we are on a combined income of £60k we don’t pay a penny for his tuition; accommodation or food. He will not owe anything in student loans and is having the most amazing time in the US.

Don’t write off state schools.

@ChocBanana 100% this. My salary is about the same as yours - I don’t work for because of caring commitments but I have 2 dc at private schools. On paper it doesn’t work but I manage. And like you, my dc are at the schools they’re at because of circumstance - they are the right schools for them. Also both been given generous bursaries (from year 3) because they are very academic and musical.

But on paper if I asked AIBU to think I can afford private school for 2 dc, the answer would be a resounding no!

Also, it may just be me, but I prefer my children’s teachers to actually be qualified to teach.

Agree this all aounds snobby. £76k a low salary, scruffy kids, how will your darling possibly learn with all those children etc. I sounds like you've come from a wealth background and expect things a certain way but now can't really afford that lifestyle.

But to your OP - Noone here can tell you if you can afford it. Sit down, write a bidget and figure out what you'd have to do to pay the fees. Then decide whether that's worth it to you.

I should let you know btw, as you seem to be unaware, that the vast majority of the population of this country (and the rest of the world for that matter) don't go to private school and do - somehow - manage to learn just fine!

@Userhay even with significant bursaries how did you mange that? I’m curious as as you say on paper it absolutely shouldn’t work financially.