Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

Most people wait because they want to be financially secure, which is the right thing to do. Careers and having the child free life are also things that people value and cherish, rightly so.

Of course the risks go up as women get older (same with men and quality of sperm tbh) but you also have to balance that against the other factors above.

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?

I'm sure they do and they make a decision based on their lifestyle and resources at the time.

As a pregnant 30 year old first time mum who do you think you have more insight than other women in their own lives?

Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

Sure, I'm sure that is exactly what they say on social media.

No, a lot of women wait until they are in their 30s because then they have well established careers and are earning decent money.

Very sensible.

A few factors:

1. people want to own a house, or at least a flat, before TTC.
2. they need to be able to afford to go on mat leave and then pay for childcare
3. they want to have a child with someone they are at very least able to coparent with and think will be a decent parent, but preferably also someone they want to be in a relationship with for the long haul.
4. people have greater expectations of what they want to do and achieve in their lives and judge (correctly) that some of those things (working certain jobs, career milestones, travel) are much easier to do before having children.

I didn't meet my partner til I was nearly 39. We started TTC when I was 40. What would you have had me do instead?

*AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?

I'm sure they do and they make a decision based on their lifestyle and resources at the time.

As a pregnant 30 year old first time mum who do you think you have more insight than other women in their own lives?*

I'm not a first time Mum.

I don't think I have more insight than other women in their own lives.

I am talking about the fact I have been described as a "young mum" several times (wasn't a teen Mum or early 20s Mum) and I think there are really important factors to consider around the choice to wait, including heightened risks or asking what happens if you don't get pregnant easily and have to join the long queue for fertility help.

I suspect a lot of people don't really like to think about the increased risks over 35. Odds are you know plenty of women having first time pregnancies at that age and women that age who "seem younger" and it's just easy to put it out of mind.

I am talking about the fact I have been described as a "young mum" several times (wasn't a teen Mum or early 20s Mum) and I think there are really important factors to consider around the choice to wait, including heightened risks or asking what happens if you don't get pregnant easily and have to join the long queue for fertility help

But it's irresponsible to consciously and deliberately choose to bring children into the world if your housing/financial/relationship situation are unstable.

I didn't meet my partner til I was nearly 39. We started TTC when I was 40. What would you have had me do instead?

This is completely reasonable and I'm not saying you could have done anything else.

I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum, or because waiting until you are late 30s is the societal norm. The individuals I am thinking of are married, financially stable, own their homes, and not interested in career advancement. Just waiting "because society says under 30 is young", to put it bluntly.

Even if that is their decision, they are absolutely entitled to that choice, but I think they also need to be mindful of the "what ifs" - what if it isn't that easy.
An extended family member waited (financially stable, not looking to advance their career, owned two homes, married for 10 years) because they thought that waiting was the better option for them. Absolutely fine. They are now past menopause, wish they'd known that it wouldn't have happened straight away for them, that there was higher possibility of pregnancy loss. They said they genuinely didn't know and now can't have biological children.

But it's irresponsible to consciously and deliberately choose to bring children into the world if your housing/financial/relationship situation are unstable.

Of course it is, I'm talking about when the above referenced things are all stable.

I don’t think anyone is waiting until their mid to late 30s to TTC because they don’t want to be seen as a “young mum”

I think fertility is a lot more individual that we have been told. The whole 35 ages thing is a stick to beat women with. You could be very fertile and healthy until you’re 45 but someone else might have run out of viable eggs or sperm at 25. You could suffer unexplained infertility for a decade then fall pregnant at 47.

Women can’t win. We have to be independent girl bosses contributing to society, but not so much as to scare away a man. Once you have the man you should have the kids asap because age 35 is looming. But don’t give up working or stop contributing to society. But do also be a full time mum and wife.

Just do what’s best for you. If that’s prioritising fertility, great. If it’s not, that’s also great.

personally I love being a mum and my husband loves being a dad. We wish we’d started sooner (together 7 years before ds1) so could have a bigger family, but we just weren’t stable enough financially and there were certain life experiences we wanted to have before we became parents. We also went through a period of unexplained infertility before this current “geriatric” pregnancy. Nobody gets it all right or can have it all, you make your choices when you get them and feel blessed with what wins you get.

and don’t think social media is real or an actual reflection of what anyone thinks.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

Depends on where you are in the country as to what is considered young - it does vary.

I think some careers make it hard - DH like mine require job moves his however came with geographical re-location as well and permeant jobs have been pushed later and later till early to mid 30s - two careers and kids schools etc that gets hard.

We also upset relative by having kids before we bought a house - we were aiming to be settled for eldest starting school which we were. Lack of work security and housing security is pushing parental age higher.

I also thought most age related fertility issues kick in nearer 40 than 35.

The basic problem is that the most suitable age biologically is really not ideal on every other level - financially, practically, emotionally, socially. And now that we have efficient contraception, it's obvious that women will choose the time that works best for them. Of course, there are no guarantees of success at any age.

personally I love being a mum and my husband loves being a dad. We wish we’d started sooner (together 7 years before ds1)

We were together 10 knew we wanted kids early on and had first at 28 and 30 and some family thought it old others that we were way too young.

If I had decided career was more a priority than kids I'd have waited to mid 30 + when I was hopefully more senior as it did adversely impact in my career - but given how old we currently feel and how many years we have left of teen parenting glad we didn't wait longer.

We are over-populated and in a climate crisis. Why do you think that telling people to get going with kids is a good message? If more people waited we would have less children and be in a better position globally.

Yes, waiting is a risk but once you have kids you will never ever get your carefree days back. Enjoy them and don’t rush kids on the off chance it wont happen.

I don’t think anyone who is ready to have a baby is not having them because they’re worried people will think they’re a young mum.

women wait to meet the right person, establish themselves financially and in their careers

I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum, or because waiting until you are late 30s is the societal norm. The individuals I am thinking of are married, financially stable, own their homes, and not interested in career advancement. Just waiting "because society says under 30 is young", to put it bluntly.

Never met anyone like this. Most people I know just get on with living their lives - and if they want kids and are waiting it's either to be more economically or career secure or because one half of the couple is not actually sure they do want kids.

I had my daughter at 16 and despite being told every step of the way I was a fool for keeping her, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It was hard for sure and I couldn't have done it without family support, and I definitely don't recommend it as a typical choice. But I had boundless energy, endless patience, the ability to get by perfectly well on only 2-3 hours sleep, my body bounced back in months, and I had the engine power to raise her and keep studying and maintain my relationship and nurture my friendships at the same time. I definitely can't imagine doing it all now.

Now I see all my friends in their early-mid 30's having their first children and they just seem exhausted. Having to take long breaks in successful careers to child rear whereas I didn't start my career until the hardest baby years were behind me. While I'm 32 and helping my daughter with planning university, my best friend is 32 and agonising about sleepless nights and bleeding nipples. I feel like I've got a huge horizon of adult life right in front of me within the next few years that my peers won't experience until they're in their 50's.

There's a lot to be said for waiting to have kids until you're emotionally and financially secure, but I don't think enough is said about the benefits of having kids young either! In fact having kids in your 20's seems to be viciously judged on here when it was the norm not all that long ago.

I think if you don’t think this is something that is crammed. down. women’s. throats. You are extremely naive.

I’ve been reading articles lecturing me on my fertility (strangely nothing about the poor quality of my ageing husband’s sperm) for two decades.

Fuck off.

Why do you think women don't understand the fertility and potential challenges later on in life?

The young mum thing may be in your circle but I've never heard a 30 year old called a young mum.

People waiting to have kids to meet the expectations of others is silly. People having kids earlier to meet the expectations of others is silly.

The facts are that women are more likely to be financially secure later on in life. Some people may value that enough to wait and in a world where things are only getting more expensive, that average age isn't likely to drop anytime soon.

Well likewise, I don't think that a lot of people having kids 30 and earlier think a lot about the issues of having kids at any time of life - the affordability, the effect on career, maternal wellbeing etc.

I'm expecting my first at 34. Married with a house at 29, but enjoyed a year with lots of travel at 30. Covid seemed like a terrible year to attempt trying at 31. 32 saw major health issues for me l, physical and mental, that I wanted to give proper recovery to before taking on a child. 33 - I tried on and off around frankly, having a last hurrah of fun after two years of shit. Did some training too and increased my salary significantly. 34 - got pregnant.

I wasn't blind to risks (technically I am having a high risk pregnancy). But I wasn't stupid enough to consider them over other highly significant factors in my life.

It's a balance - I am well aware that fertility does not improve and risks increase, but for us, it was important to have reasonably good jobs and a secure housing situation before TTC. We also wanted to enjoy time as a couple without children in our 20s.

And you seem to have a very specific experience, and I'm not sure why it matters if you are called a young mum? I would think a young mum is a 16 year old!

I had my first baby at 30 and my second at 34 and that was old enough for me.

My DH was also adamant that he didn’t want to be an ‘old dad’ and so there would be no TTC’ing after he was 35. That was his cut off age to be starting parenthood.

Thankfully we were the same ages as each other and on the same page.

"I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum"

I have never known anyone wait for this reason