Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

I always thought "young mum" was anyone being a first time mum to a small child (baby/toddler). Whether 19 or 39. It's more about the experience of parenting a small child for the first time, no? For example I wouldn't call the 29 year old mother of a 10 year old child a young mum even though I suppose she technically is.

As for why women decide to have children later than in their 20s, I don't think there's any surprise. I doubt not wanting to be seen as a "young mum" is a very important factor.

I was with my husband for 18 years before we decided to have a baby. For many years I was adamant that I didn't want children, but I also wanted to enjoy my 20s and early 30s without having to worry about the responsibilities of children. We also wanted to travel and to get what has been our forever home, and to be able to afford for me to stay at home with our daughter until she was eight. It was difficult financially and we didn't have a holiday for several years or have any spare money, but it was worth it, and I don't think I would have been happy being penniless when I was in my 20s.

When I was pregnant at 34/35 in the 1990s, I was seen very much as an older mother, and most of my friends who had decided to have children had teenagers by then. with one exception, I was the oldest mother in my daughter's class at infant school, although some of the parents were a similar age to me when she moved to junior school.

It suited me to have a child at 35, but I can see the attraction of having children in your teens or early 20s as you should still have a long time ahead of you to enjoy being child free once they have grown up.

If I could go back I would wait till I had an established career/good finances/savings. i'm 29 now and still feeling the impact on my career after having 2 dc's at 25 and 27.

I was offered further qualifications/training through work but I had to say no as I don't have the time to put in the work for it while all my colleagues have completed their courses and got qualifications/certifications

I do think it's sensible to wait and fertility is not guaranteed either way

My sister had her children when she was 23 and 25 and I remember thinking she was mad and she was so young etc etc

But now she’s 40 with a 17 year old and a 15 year old and her life is basically her own again.

In contrast I’m 40 with a 5 year old and a 9 year old and getting my old life back seems a million miles away.

My sister has absolutely no regrets about having children young because her children are pretty much self-sufficient and she isn’t tied down with the grind of parenthood anymore at the mere age of 40.

I didn’t meet my DH until I was 26 and we both wanted to be married before we had children but I do often wonder what our life would be like now if we’d had our children when we were younger.

May depend where you live however I had DC1 at 24 and was not seen as a young Mum... In fact I was the second oldest on the ward.

Second I was 36 and on my notes was classed as an older parent.

I very purposefully chose to have my dc at age 24/25/26. I was married but wanted my mum's help to bring them up and so had dc while she was still young and fit enough to help. That was my way of mitigating childcare costs! While others sensibly wait until they can afford nursery fees etc. Having dc was my motivation to buy a house and push for promotions at work. There wasn't much money back then but whilst dc were young eurocamp holidays and sharing bedrooms didn't bother them. Now, 20 years later I can afford more for them and do more with them. I have friends my age with some v young kids, but more financially stable than I was. I applaud their energy!!

The average age of a first time mum is now 31, which is coincidentally what I was (last year)! Never felt like doing it earlier would make me a young mum though. It was drummed into me so much that TTC could take ages (luckily I fell first try), especially after 30. And well aware that the risks are higher later, and 35+ is classed as a geriatric pregnancy. I thought this was all widely known.

I think it’s incredibly hard to balance it.

I was a young mum, had my first at 21, no qualifications, a min wage job with no room for progress ( I had no knowledge on careers or house ownership etc) so we ended up struggling financially in rented accommodation with no family support trying to raise our little family, we were young and naive but we made it work.

All of my friends and family minus one or two waited until they were in their late 20’s or early 30’s to have children, they all wanted to have a house and a decent wage which makes sense, they all also had the opportunity to do more in their 20s, I do think it’s better to live life a little before having children and although I wouldn’t change a thing I wouldn’t advise having babies at 21

I've never met anyone who has financial stability, a home and an established career who then decides to wait before starting a family simply because they don't want society to view them as a young mum!

Many people choose to wait for perfectly valid reasons: saving money, securing a home, travelling/ other experiences to enjoy before having kids, or to gain promotions in the workplace.

I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum, or because waiting until you are late 30s is the societal norm. The individuals I am thinking of are married, financially stable, own their homes, and not interested in career advancement. Just waiting "because society says under 30 is young", to put it bluntly

I don't believe this is a thing. Generally people wait/delay for practical reasons or perhaps because they aren't emotionally ready in themselves.

This. 'Young mum' to me would be teenage/early twenties. I wouldn't class anyone over the age of 25 a young mum.

The majority of my friends have had children in their late twenties/early thirties and reasons for waiting has been solely due to wanting to be married, own their own home, financial security. I have never heard of anyone putting off having children in their early thirties because they would be seen as a young mum!

Literally no one is doing this. I'd love to see the social media evidence you are talking about.

Fwiw I had my first baby at 30 and I felt like a teenage mum. I won't be sharing my reasons for not having a baby any earlier because you're coming across as very condescending, whether you mean to or not. Women are perfectly capable of deciding when it's a good time for them to have children.

Who on earth are these people who consider 30 to be a 'young mum'?

All of this. There are MANY reasons to consider when choosing a time to have a child - what other people 'see you as' should not be one of them!

I've known a lot of people in my time, and discussed having kids with a fair few of them. Never have I ever come across anyone who said they didnt' want to have kids at 30 because they'd be viewed as a young parent. What nonsense. I think you started this thread expecting loads of people to pile on about how foolish these women are to wait till later - for whatever reason - and now have made this up to backtrack.

YANBU. People feel like they have to have life perfect. There are pros and cons but also you have to be a bit realistic. We’re renting (HA) we were trying to buy but since the interest rates have gone crazy we are staying put and will be TTC in a couple of months. It’s not necessarily the right or wrong decision, just what feels right to us but it’s so individualised isn’t it!

It is biologically better to have children in your 20s and better for them in a sense that you should have more energy and spend more of their/your life with them. Problem is if two generations have children at 42, a grandparent might be 84 and not be around for all the grandchildren’s childhood. Nothings guaranteed but I think I would find that sad and part of our reason for starting younger is to hopefully have the support of our family around us. Not financially/for babysitting but more for guidance and to share those times with.

No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

Don't see this at all - could you post some examples?

Tbh we met @ 21 and both agreed to be done by 30, had 3 kids 25-29.

To me 30 isnt young at all? I was 29 and will be 50 when my 3rd graduates! Most financial services jobs for women are managed out/ ending at that age and uni is mega expensive.

I think people having kids age 35-45 are massively gambling on riding out ageism which hits 50 onwards. I know several older parents, 2 dads age 55 with under 10s given push and 1 mum age 53 struggling with under 10s. All have large morrgages. Madness when kids need funding to 21.

50s also known as 'sniper alley' many get serious illnesses then, everyone thinks they wont ..

Advised my daughters to start latest age 25. You cant gamble employment and health 50+
We'll support them however we can.

Those parent examples were maxe redunant Dec onwards and not found work , I meant

I don't think I have more insight than other women in their own lives.

The whole point of this thread appears to be that you do, in fact, think that you do have more insight and if that other women just had "an awareness of the full picture and possibilities" as you do, they might change their actions.

Neatly missing the idea that other women probably DO have an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, and DON'T view them with the same pessimistic colour that you appear to apply.

Sniper alley? Jesus Christ, just what I needed to learn today.

I think this is right. I completely understand why many women these days put off until early or mid thirties so no judging at all on those who make this decision/ or have no choice in the matter due to their circumstances when younger.

It DOES worry me though, that the decision to postpone until into mid-thirties may be based on 'faulty and incomplete' information. Lots of people doing it, so there can be a decision made that it's fine for most people and the info about the extra risks, difficulties etc is pushed to one side, with 'it'll be fine. It won't happen to me'. The trouble is it does happen to some, and no chance to sort it

My daughter was one who didn't find the right person until she was 35. Took a while TTC and her first ( and only) was born when she was 39. She then wanted at least one more but more pregnancies ended in early miscarriages. It's not something she has come to terms with fully, although glad she does have one

naturally you're meant to get pregnant as a teenager/early twenties. I agree you're not a young parent.

I agree OP, there’s a prevalent attitude these days that women can “have it all”, and therefore quite safely leave ttc till mid/late 30s and even 40s. Sadly it’s not true for many people, and unfair as it is, women have to make difficult choices over what to prioritise.

Of course for many of us - me included - there is no choice, because we don’t meet the right man till later in life, or we aren’t financially secure enough to safely have children etc. And in those cases, we just have to hope it all works out OK.

But I am often surprised by threads on here from people saying they’re happily married, in secure jobs, established in their field, home owners, financially stable, keen to have kids - but they don’t start ttc till they’re 40 just because.

I think people forget that just because we’re all living longer, doesn’t mean our fertile years are necessarily longer.