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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Waiting to have children

243 replies

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 11:47

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

OP posts:
lovewoola · 17/08/2023 08:38

@puffincarpet where do you live? the average age of a FTP is still the low 30s so it's odd that the majority of your peers are 40 plus.

Goldencup · 17/08/2023 08:48

£850 for 2 adults and a baby should be doable no ?
I think you would also get CHB at this income point, maybe some UC- I am not sure.
Utilities what £200 ?
I would think food £350-400
So that leaves £200-250 for spends, of course you would need to be careful, free church baby groups and council swimming pool. Maybe 2nd hand clothes ( we were given loads) our cot was handed down, I was lucky my parents bought me the pram. A coffee out was a once a week treat, I took sandwiches everywhere.

puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 08:48

where do you live? the average age of a FTP is still the low 30s so it's odd that the majority of your peers are 40 plus.

Cornwall

OP posts:
puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 08:52

£850 for 2 adults and a baby should be doable no ?
I think you would also get CHB at this income point, maybe some UC- I am not sure.
Utilities what £200 ?
I would think food £350-400
So that leaves £200-250 for spends, of course you would need to be careful, free church baby groups and council swimming pool. Maybe 2nd hand clothes ( we were given loads) our cot was handed down, I was lucky my parents bought me the pram. A coffee out was a once a week treat, I took sandwiches everywhere.

I'm not sure who this is in response to but most rental prices for a 2 or 3 bed property are around 1k per month in my area minimum, if you have a mortgage it is lower but still somewhere around £700 - £900 depending on who you have your mortgage with. Utilities for the average household at the moment are somewhere like £200 - £300 I think.
These days £850 a month wouldn't even touch the sides. There's also petrol, car insurance and MOT, tax, etc. We have horrendous public transport services so having a car is essential, although it is better in other parts of the country.
Council tax for our band is £160 per month.

OP posts:
lovewoola · 17/08/2023 08:58

Cornwall

the "oldest" places are London eg Kensington & Chelsea so that's definitely unusual.

DisquietintheRanks · 17/08/2023 09:11

If considering "all the possibilities" includes thinking about what life might be like breeding with someone unsuitable and with precarious finances/housing then yes, absolutely.

SallyWD · 17/08/2023 09:34

I had my first at 35 but would happily have had children in my 20s. I really wanted to in fact. However, life didn't work out that way. I had one relationship in my 20s which I realised afterwards wasn't healthy and it didn't work out.
I met DH when I was nearly 30. He was younger. It took 5 years for us to be in a place where he'd agree to having children. It all worked out in the end but I didn't actively want or choose to start my family at 35.
People always say women are delaying motherhood because they want to establish careers and be financially secure. I'm sure many do and I'm sure that's sensible. However, I know quite a few women who would love to have children, who've reached their late 30s and 40s and not had them. In every single case it's nothing to do with careers but the fact they haven't found the right man. They've had relationships but realised their partners either don't want children or wouldn't be good fathers. I've seen relationships break down and they've tried to find suitable men in their 30s to have a family with. Often they don't! I have a friend now who's 43, still trying to find a man to father her children. Most of these women don't want to do it alone with a sperm donor.
I don't like the notion that all women are choosing to delay motherhood to late 30s or 40s when I've seen so many women who would have loved to have children earlier.

PartingGift · 17/08/2023 09:35

You've been lucky OP. Good for you.

I didn't meet my DH until I was 29. No way I would have had a baby with him, or anyone, after less than a year.

Possimpible · 17/08/2023 10:44

Goldencup · 17/08/2023 08:48

£850 for 2 adults and a baby should be doable no ?
I think you would also get CHB at this income point, maybe some UC- I am not sure.
Utilities what £200 ?
I would think food £350-400
So that leaves £200-250 for spends, of course you would need to be careful, free church baby groups and council swimming pool. Maybe 2nd hand clothes ( we were given loads) our cot was handed down, I was lucky my parents bought me the pram. A coffee out was a once a week treat, I took sandwiches everywhere.

Back in my day we walked 10 miles to school, uphill both ways... I'm surprised to see you actually would be entitled to child benefit and UC at this wage level - about £300 a month at a very rough calculation. (Assuming no savings which isn't a position I'd ever want to be in). Which would cover your council tax, a bill you conveniently forgot to consider. You also forgot home insurance, life insurance/critical illness, internet, TV licence, mobile phone bill (maybe not an essential 20 years ago but it is now), car payment/public transport for the working partner to get to work. Even a council swim is £5. It may be 'doable' (I doubt it) but it's not a life I'd want to live, counting every penny, no holidays, no days out, not even Netflix. Grim. My favourite part is the OP calling you out on this, despite the fact you're actually on the same side of this argument!

But anyway, I digress. The point is, living a decent lifestyle on one income is not really possible these days.

Hubblebubble · 17/08/2023 10:48

@Possimpible I live a decent life on one income with one child, no UC because of my savings. But I work full time and own my own house outright.

MeadAndPie · 17/08/2023 10:51

puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 08:48

where do you live? the average age of a FTP is still the low 30s so it's odd that the majority of your peers are 40 plus.

Cornwall

Is it a middle class catchment area ?

I know DH cousin had her only at 41 - thing still weren't great set up - her Mum told my MIL family members had been really off with her being such an old mother but DH workplace ( mostly middle class ) women are regularly 38-43 age range and live in areas were that's normal.

Possimpible · 17/08/2023 11:05

Hubblebubble · 17/08/2023 10:48

@Possimpible I live a decent life on one income with one child, no UC because of my savings. But I work full time and own my own house outright.

That's nice for you, are you also under 30 and supporting a non-working partner too? As that's what we're talking about. If so, again well done, but that's not really typical. You've likely either got a huge salary, have had help from parents, or a large inheritance.

Re the other discussion going on, just because other parents at drop-off look 40+ doesn't mean they were older parents than average. They could have been first time parents at 31, onto their second child at 36, and dropping them off for year 1 at 41!

Hubblebubble · 17/08/2023 11:32

@Possimpible under 30 and a single parent

Hubblebubble · 17/08/2023 11:35

@Possimpible I know its not typical. I got really lucky in that I nabbed one of the fully remote jobs post covid and live in a part of the UK with very cheap houses. More so than national average. Sadly things are shifting to hybrid only, so many won't have this opportunity

puffincarpet · 17/08/2023 12:17

*Is it a middle class catchment area ?

I know DH cousin had her only at 41 - thing still weren't great set up - her Mum told my MIL family members had been really off with her being such an old mother but DH workplace ( mostly middle class ) women are regularly 38-43 age range and live in areas were that's normal.*

No it isn't, to be honest there are a lot of social housing properties nearby. Ours is ex-council (hasn't been council since the 90s I think, when everyone was allowed to buy them).

My favourite part is the OP calling you out on this, despite the fact you're actually on the same side of this argument!

This isn't an argument and I'm not calling anyone out on anything. This was an open discussion of opinion. I didn't know if the PP was replying to me or somebody else, I was simply sharing that a household income of £850 per month isn't enough to get by. At no point have I said on this thread "are you struggling and living month to month?? Well buckle up buttercup because you need to have a child NOW and make it work" as so many people seem to be assuming.

OP posts:
Roselee1 · 17/08/2023 14:02

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Wolfparty · 17/08/2023 14:06

40/50 years ago most women were done breeding my age 30

Presumably only those with reliable contraception?

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/08/2023 14:09

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Why would we want to go back to how things were 40-50 years ago? Especially for women.

There's a reason why we've moved on from that. There's also the fact that things are so much more expensive now too.

donkra · 17/08/2023 14:18

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...It's always a lottery.

It always has the potential to come with heartache.

Most women in their thirties will conceive at pretty much the same rate they would in their thirties and have healthy normal pregnancies. The increased risks for most things are very, very marginal below 40.

Women are perfectly capable of weighing up the risks and deciding a pregnancy in a stable relationship and financial situation when they're slightly older is worth the very slightly increased risk of a chromosomal disorder. And it's their right to do that. We don't have babies in an abstract medical vacuum.

donkra · 17/08/2023 14:20

And of course women weren't done with breeding by 30 when they didn't have access to contraception, what a dumb fucking idea. Women have always gone on having babies into their forties. And let's not forget how many of those babies died before the age of 5. What fucking great days those were.

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 14:27

@donkra that's what I find odd, women in the past defo still had dc at older ages they just started earlier. That's ignored

lovewoola · 17/08/2023 14:32

40/50 years ago most women were done breeding my age 30.

Tell that to my Irish relatives! My gran had 6 & herself was one of 11. My mum didn't even start till 29.

"In 1938, when records began, there were 2,085 births to women over 45, according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS)."The number of live births in this age group rose to 2,366 in 2018.

Wolfparty · 17/08/2023 14:38

Done breeding is a horrible turn of phrase too.

Roselee1 · 17/08/2023 14:38

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LizzieW1969 · 17/08/2023 14:41

I certainly didn’t choose to be an older mum. (I’m 54 and my DDs are 14 and 11.) I didn’t meet my DH until I was 32 and we went through years of TTC and one failed cycle of IVF, before discovering that I had no eggs so I was never going to conceive naturally. I was 37 at this point. So we went down the road of adoption.

I have no way of knowing whether I would have conceived naturally if I’d met my DH, or another man, earlier in my life. However, I have no regrets, as I had many years to do other things, particularly travelling and working overseas.

It can be hard being an older mum, and adoption makes it even more challenging. I do sometimes wish I was 10 years younger! But, like a lot of posters on this thread, it’s just the way it worked out in my life.

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