Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

I had my first dc at 30 and wasn't ever called a young mum! That was in a fancy pants area not that long ago, where a lot of mums were older.

I was really sure I wanted children and did worry a lot about infertility, so I was keen to crack on once we were married at 27. But wasn't keen and I wasn't going to push him around in any way. So we waited a few years.

A few good friends who had their hearts set on babies having done it yet as either their partners weren't keen or they didn't meet the right person. We are all late 30s / early 40s now. I really don't think they ever planned not to meet the right person or to end up with someone who didn't want kids, but that's how it's worked out. I don't see how it's helpful to tell women how time is running out as the media sometimes does. They can't magic up a nice partner who wants babies right this second. That's before you even get on to the question of financial security. One of my good friends wants kids enough that she would do it alone, but with nobody at home to care for kids while she works and only one income, she can't really afford it and she makes quite a lot of money.

You sound very keen to reassure yourself you made the right choice having children earlier than some other women.

This is the pregnancy version of 'I've got a three-week-old baby so here is how to be a parent because I'm doing it all correctly and you're all doing it wrong'.

The flip side of that, my dad is in his late 60s and still get head hunted minimum twice a year.

I also think people have a bit of an attitude of, I can’t have kids until I’ve travelled to all these countries, bought a four bed forever home, bought the family car… life isn’t linear and you don’t have to do things by the book

And I think it's bollocks that people are waiting because 'it's the done thing' or because they don't want to be seen as a 'young mum' at 30. Absolute bobbins. People wait for all manner of reasons, they just aren't bound to share them.

Neither do I, that's just nonsense!

I think everyone makes their own decision for their own reasons, in their own particular circumstances - and it's nobody's else's business either.

I think women have also had babies in their mid 30s, it just used to be the norm to start earlier & have more

I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum, or because waiting until you are late 30s is the societal norm. The individuals I am thinking of are married, financially stable, own their homes, and not interested in career advancement. Just waiting "because society says under 30 is young", to put it bluntly.

I met DH young but I didn't want babies in my 20s. Not because of being a young mum, I was working & enjoying my life. My mum had me at 30 & my granny had 8 dc between her 20s & 40s.

Even if that is their decision, they are absolutely entitled to that choice, but I think they also need to be mindful of the "what ifs" - what if it isn't that easy.

What ifs can happen to everyone.

I think fertility is a lot more individual that we have been told

I agree with this, I have friends who needed IVF after struggling in their late 20s & friends who tried for yrs then popped two in their late 30s

We are over-populated and in a climate crisis. Why do you think that telling people to get going with kids is a good message? If more people waited we would have less children and be in a better position globally.

Most of the west isn't overpopulated by people having too many dc although lots don't understand this.

I am early 30s and in a professional career and absolutely know what OP is talking about. I've casually mentioned TTC @ age 32 to friends/colleagues and I get responses like "oh interesting... are you religious? you seem really keen to get started early!"

The fertility conversation if we have it at all is all about complaining about our company not offering egg freezing, as if it's some magical solution.

Most financial services jobs for women are managed out/ ending at that age and uni is mega expensive.

I don't think that's true anymore

The reality ( and I’m saying this as someone who was a mum at 20 , 33 and 39 ) altough your body is geared up for babies in their 20s , most people are nit ready . This current generation has no money for houses , less career opportunities , less support as nuclear families live far away , therefore makes sense to dedicate yourself to your profession in the hopes of being financially able to have kids , I won’t even say secure as many will never be able to buy a home but at least have a ok wage and be able to pay childcare .
I managed to start a career between my first at 20 and my second at 33 but I was lucky and I had no life for a few years between working and uni qnd a child ( sen one too ) .

Naturally you're meant to get pregnant between puberty and menopause.

Oh and teenage pregnancies are not actually ideal at all, twenties is peak.

(I mean physically/medically).

BUT, I don't think anyone is sitting around in their 20s wanting to be a parent but hanging on until after 30 as they don't want to be seen as a young mum. That's not the case.

People are living at home a lot longer as house prices and cost of living vs income is ridiculous, so they are waiting until they feel able to be stable before becoming a parent, which is the best thing to do,

Both DH and I work in tech, in his team 4 out of 6 women are undergoing IVF in their late 30s struggling to conceive it's really heartbreaking as they've had miscarriages too. Within our world, it's definately not common to have a baby at 30, we had our son at 28/29 and were considered young.

There is a culture of wanting to progress at work, then wanting to have amazing holidays etc with partner. I also notice a lot of people want to have a super duper wedding. I know some couples who waited till after this, but that took years of planning so it meant by the time they were tying to conceive they were 35+.

Im not casting any judgement but there definately seems to be a huge number of couples in our life struggling to conceive.

These days unfortunately it isn’t an option for many women to have children in their 20s, even if that is what they would prefer. Most women want to have a partner and many prefer the legal, financial and emotional security of marriage, so the first task is finding a partner who they love and are compatible with, who is also ready, willing and able to settle down to give enough security and stability to the relationship to be ready for children.
In many western countries (UK, USA, Australia, New Zealand, Western Europe etc) housing has become incredibly expensive and wages don’t support the cost. If both parents want to stay in their careers, childcare can be extremely expensive but living on one wage is often not financially viable.

So what was the social (and biological) norm of most women having their first child around their mid 20s only a few decades ago, is now considered very early and even “young” as the norm is of having a first child later (30+).

These days however, if a couple is able to have a stable enough situation when in their 20s to have their children - often because they are willing to make sacrifices such as standard of living to do so - women can develop their careers further in their mid 30s onwards. They also can look for a partner who is willing to share the same responsibilities of childcare. Having children when you have more physically energy and can better cope with sleep deprivation and the physical toll of pregnancy and young children at a younger age, can mean that you are less distracted and can focus on your career in your late 30s and into your 40s, 50s and beyond.

But every woman’s situation and choices are unique. Many women who would be open to having children struggle to find men who are emotionally mature enough to be committed partners and fathers.

"In general, fertility starts to decline for men when they’re in their late 40s, with up to a 23% annual decline in fertility beginning at age 39[1]. One study suggested that conceiving during a 12-month period was 30% less likely for men who were over the age of 40 compared to men who were under 30 years old[2]. Another study of intrauterine artificial insemination found that after six cycles, men who were 35 or under had a fertility rate of 52%, whereas men over the age of 35 had a fertility rate of 25%[3].

Other fertility-related issues that may arise as men get older include genetic abnormalities of the sperm, erectile dysfunction and changes in the reproductive organs and tissues. Additionally, overall shifts in health as men age, such as high blood pressure, can impact fertility.

One-third of all fertility challenges are due to male factor infertility, according to the National Institutes of Health, while another third are related to female reproductive factors and the final third can be attributed to a combination of male and female reproductive issues, or unknown causes".

Let me just add this to the discussion.
The facts that are virtually never mentioned while everyone focuses on women, women, women.

Mens fertility (sperm only) also peaks around 30 and is in decline from that point.

Fertility clinics don't usually take donor sperm off men over 39.

I am talking about circumstances where people are choosing to wait JUST because they feel that society would view them as a younger Mum

Ive never heard of anyone use this as a reason tbh.

^This

@TheoTheopolis23 so true. Male fertility is also in steep decline in the West generally, for known and unknown reasons. There just seems a general assumption by both men and women that they will be able to conceive when they are ready and don’t think of 35+ as “older”; which of course it isn’t socially but our biology doesn’t change and the statistical likelihood of easily conceiving starts to decline rapidly from this point onwards.

Many people have secondary infertility where they are not able to conceive the number of children that they hoped for, so they may have a child (or two) and then struggle to conceive again.

On MN we will hear about all the women who did conceive in their late 30s onwards, but those who didn’t may not to be as accurately represented.

Even if that is their decision, they are absolutely entitled to that choice, but I think they also need to be mindful of the "what ifs" - what if it isn't that easy.

What is the point of "being mindful of the 'what ifs'" - that doesn't change the circumstances one bit?