Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

Over 35 is not considered an older mum medically anymore, I had mine at 37 and was told (top hospital) that it’s now 40+ that’s considered “geriatric”.

There’s a huge weight of evidence that it’s also at 40, not 35, that fertility hits a cliff edge (google how 35 is based on French parish birth records from 300 years ago, the BBC did a good report on it).

Most women have babies (if they want) when they are in a position to, not according to some idea of what age is better, I’ve certainly never come across anyone saying they don’t want to be a young mum for the sake of it, it’s about finances mostly, and meeting the right person. So I don’t think scaring women about hitting 35 is helpful - what perhaps would be more helpful is waking men up to the fact that their sperm declines in quality and that that is a health risk - IME the male perception that they can father kids for life is another factor in why women are delaying.

I wouldn't call you a young mum at 30, not even close. It's completely average and unremarkable.

Quite.

Just mind your own beeswax OP, and enjoy your baby.

You take the risk and live with the consequences. Women know about declining fertility. If a young woman knows being a mum is more important to her than anything else snd she is well placed to start a family then I would recommend not delaying beyond 30. A doctor relative of mine in this area says that, for those with fertility problems, the sooner they are found, the higher the likelihood of a happy outcome.

That's rubbish

Yes I know plenty of women who definitely do want children who are 35 and haven't even started trying yet. It makes me feel a bit nervous for them, but obviously it's not my business.

🤔no they fucking won't, because they live in the real world (and plenty of them haven't had any DC by 30, much less "completed their families". Medicine is an intense, long and difficult qualification path).

I had my third child at the age of 18 and had 6 by the time I was 28.
Who cares if other people think/know you're a young mum?
I didn't need childcare or need to do any school runs by the time I was 39/40.

And EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD has been assaulted with scaremongering statistics about how fast her eggs are drying up. Every. One. It's not some kind of closely guarded secret.

I do not for a second believe that there are women out there who want to have kids, have a stable partner and financial setup, feel personally ready, but are delaying because people say under 30 is a "young mum". These women do not exist. Where women delay childbearing to late thirties and beyond, it is almost exclusively for lack of a suitable partner.

@TheoTheopolis23

Very good point.

There were plenty of "what ifs" about our lives, but the only certainty was that my husband has a condition affecting his fertility. Not me.

Now, we conceived, sure - but it took a little more time, and ALL the comments about babies and children were directed at me.

Even when I had a severe burn out from work PLUS long covid, so was whacked with fatigue some days, and exhausted from waking up with palpitations some nights, I was expected to crack on worrying about whether or not my eggs were declining.

What I was actually doing was prioritising a physical and mental recovery that I firmly believed was necessary to be a good mum. My husband was never told to be worrying about his fertility, when privately we were both concerned about it, even though we nervously agreed that there was no point TTC when I was a nervous wreck.

I always think it’s odd in these discussions that the male perspective is left out. If you want kids in your 20s due to the risk of declining fertility, great! Good luck trying to find a guy who wants the same. I would argue strongly that guys in their 20s who are aiming for professional careers no longer care about getting married and having kids in their 20s. I have zero friends who had kids in their 20s (I am 50), even those who got married then. I had my one and only at 39 and got pregnant without even trying really. Very lucky. I didn’t get pregnant again despite wanting another, we didn’t want to do IVF. In any case, just like women, I believe responsible men want to feel settled and able to provide before having a family. Given things like the unbelievable cost of living, housing crisis, and student debt, it’s no wonder the average age of becoming a prent has shifted up.

people wait because (i) they cannot find a man who is as committed to the idea of or implications of having children as they are (ii) sometimes as a result of (i) those women feel they themselves have to be financially viable on their own anticipating that they might at some point be doing it on their own and (iii) the career trajectory and lack of equality in the uk means it takes a long time for women to start earning the amounts they feel they need to feel secure hence the delay in starting a family in the first place
The above factors are also impacted by the fact that if a woman splits up with the father of her children statistically she is more likely to end up with the lions share of the day to day childcare again making financial independence etc absolutely critical

I 'waited' until I found a man I wanted to marry. I was 39 when I did, and kids came along at 41 and 43.
Of my friends, most wanted kids whenever they married, a couple had them late 20s then fertility issues/multiple miscarriages until finally their second early 40s. Or needed fertility treatment in the first place so had IVF snd it finally took at 40.
I don't know anyone who got married and then decided to wait a few years until their careers were established. I do know people who met their partners and didn't get married for several years, for whatever reason. - And I know a few women who never married due to the importance of their careers, or they never met the right person, or just didn't want to.
So what I'm saying is, I don't know anyone who really made a choice as such. Circumstances dictated the timing.

@pollykitty I think you have a point.

I only know two couple from uni friends who had kids before us and DH and I started TTC few months before his 30th so he was 30 when pfb was born and many of his similar aged male colleagues thought him mad as he was so young.

Friends where we've lived and where we grew up who didn't do university did often have kids in their 20s - though even there I'd say it was getting pushed back from late teens and early 20s like IL to more mid to late 20s.

I do think male fertility decline needs much more press coverage rather than constant focus on women's fertility.

@puffincarpet The individuals I am thinking of are married, financially stable, own their homes, and not interested in career advancement. Just waiting "because society says under 30 is young", to put it bluntly.

Gosh you seem to know a lot about these 'individuals' financial situations and internal desires. That, or it's all BS (likely). Are you from an area that's quite deprived, religious, or very well-off (bank of mum and dad)? Under 30 is very young to be married, financially stable and own your own home in my circles. Two out of three, maybe.

@VeridicalVagabond While I'm 32 and helping my daughter with planning university, my best friend is 32 and agonising about sleepless nights and bleeding nipples. I feel like I've got a huge horizon of adult life right in front of me within the next few years that my peers won't experience until they're in their 50's.

Yes but she's just spent the past 15 years living life with total freedom. Your peers have experienced it, while you've been changing nappies and making packed lunches. Yes I take your point about the benefits of having kids young re energy etc, but the same goes for travelling! I'm so glad I made the most of my 20s travelling and socialising because even at 33 I cannot be arsed to party the way I used to. Different strokes and all that

Agree with this

I had my one and only at 26. Whilst I'm very happy, own my own home, have a career and have already spent a few years working abroad, it is very young for an educated middle class professional and it wasn't planned. I probably would've had my DC in my 30s if it hadn't been the result of two forms of contraception failing.

But I was still able to party and enjoy my 20's because I had the benefit of an amazing and supportive family, who were all also young and excited to have a new baby in the family. My mum was only in her late 30's herself when DD arrived and was ecstatic to be a hands on "young and cool" gran. So... I got to party, travel, socialise, experience life AND change nappies and make packed lunches. My daughter got the benefit of being raised by a whole family and got their wealth of love and experience alongside mine, as I think it should be. It's done her wonders, and me. It takes a village, and all that.

And I have travelled, extensively, since she's been old enough to come along. We travelled across South America for 8 months, spent a year living in Spain, road tripped in Europe and the States when she was a bit older... She's better travelled at 15 than most 50 year olds I know. Having a baby didn't really slow me down at all, and yet it's ground to a halt the lives outside motherhood of all my 30 something friends. Perhaps because they cannot be arsed, as you say.

And I'll be 35 and still young and fit enough to go off and do it all again once she's spread her wings. So I get to do it twice. I appreciate this is all due to enormous privilege and would not be available to all young mothers, but given the vitriolic, sneery responses I've gotten in the past from older mothers when I've said I'm SO glad I had my daughter young and that I'm hugely glad not to be doing all the baby shit now, I feel the positive side of young motherhood isn't represented enough!

You sound very keen to reassure yourself you made the right choice having children earlier than some other women.

Ha, I had children earlier because of my fertility issues, but thanks love. My understanding of fertility issues is EXACTLY the reason I worry about so many people waiting without knowing the full picture of how long things can take.

I've never heard anyone in my entire life say they were holding off having a baby because they don't want to be seen as a young mum, I think you're telling porkies!

Women hold off because they are establishing their careers, haven't found the right partner or have fertility issues.

I had mine in my late 30’s because I just didn’t want one and got to the age where it was now or never. I think on reflection it would have been better to have them younger (for me, not saying thats the case for anyone else).

Tbf most of the women I know who are over 35 having first pregnancies were having them at that age because they hadn’t met someone to settle down with before that age. I know a few women who really wanted families but again couldn’t find a decent bloke to do it with.

btw teenage pregnancies carry higher risks then pregnancy in your 20’s. It’s not true that we are meant to have children in our teens. The age of puberty has been getting lower and lower. Teen pregnancies are associated with higher risks of pre-term birth and lower birth weight.

That’s true. The biological best age is probably 20-25 isn’t it

@Mamai90 women hold off because they are establishing their careers, haven't found the right partner or have fertility issues

Or haven't decided if they want children

@VeridicalVagabond good for you, but as you say that won't be the experience of all (young or otherwise) mothers, or indeed people. I can't imagine 'ecstatic' would have been in my mum's vocabulary if I'd had a teen pregnancy. How did you afford to travel so much, if you don't mind me asking? Childcare would presumably be expensive and difficult to organise, if you were working. How did you manage her schooling?

Threads like this piss me off. I am an IVF mum, I needed IVF not because of my age but because I am an ED survivor. But people who don't know me assume DH and I 'left it too late' nothing is ever certain with TTC. We should stop judging women and thinking we can tell them what to do,