Waiting to have children

[puffincarpet]

This is more of a question of opinion than an AIBU.

Women have a lot of plates to spin these days, balancing career, social life, family life, children. It's a lot, and women do bear the brunt of it all. Something has to slip for women, it doesn't usually for men. It is very challenging as often if you want to have children, your career does need to hit pause for a few years, or you battle on through and try and spin both plates at once (which can happen, but is tough). I wanted to open up with this because I am not criticising women that choose to wait to have children for any reason, whether they don't want kids yet, want to wait until they are older for career reasons, whether it is down to finances, support networks, childcare, whatever.

I think it is now more of a societal belief that having children below 30 is young. Not medically, just within society. So many people wait until they are 30+, going in to mid 30s, because they are told they are young. I am 30, expecting a baby, and being told I am a "young mum".

AIBU in thinking that people need to also take in to consideration the risks associated with becoming pregnant 35+ (including higher miscarriage risk, birth defect risk), as well as thinking about what happens if you don't get pregnant very easily?
TTC isn't a lightening quick process, it can take a while, and if you have complications or require fertility support, you might have a bit of a lengthy timeline ahead and at that age your body clock is ticking, whether we like it or not. I do know a few women that waited until they were in their mid 30s to start trying, because they felt like it was "the done thing nowadays", and in short they said they regret waiting as long as they did.

This is just an opinion thread. Ultimately it is up to every women what age they do want children, don't want children, there are so many things to consider including finances, support, and so on...but should people have more of an awareness of the full picture and possibilities, rather than society painting a picture of under 30s being young mums?

FWIW, the reason I am thinking about this this morning is that know of people that aren't planning on trying for children until they are in their mid - late thirties purely because they feel like they'd be classed as a young mum if they had children now. No other contributing factors, they have said they can afford a child, aren't bothered about taking time away from work. Want to be a mum, but don't want to be seen as a young mum. They're very open about this belief on social media too.

I think you are vastly underestimating the amount of infertility issues that could be overcome simply if people tried to concieve earlier in life.

Other than the fact that they would have longer to seek medical intervention, a lot of the same obstacles were there in their 20s as well as their 30s.

Deciding when to start trying is an absolute trade off between stability, finances, housing situation, energy levels, the right man, other personal situation. It sucks but it is. I hate seeing women judged for their choices, especially considering most of those choices are made with the very best of intentions.

I had my eldest at 23 and youngest at 26.
Personally I am glad I didn't wait, I am 39 now and the hardest part for me is over.
What anyone else does is up to them but I absolutely wouldn't want a baby at this age.

Have to admit I get very frustrated by women (and men - sperm count is down something like 60% since the 1970s) who deliberately put off having children until mid to late 30s for no other reason than "I want to enjoy myself first" "I want to travel" "I want to watch a boxset uninterrupted" "I want to enjoy a number of years it just being me and my partner" - many seem to have a blasé attitude that infertility won't happen to them and IVF will come to their rescue (and are woefully uneducated about lack of NHS funding over age of 36 and the low success rates). They think because a friend of a friend of a friend conceived triplets at age 45 at the first time of trying that when they decide they are "ready" that it will happen at the snap of a finger. And for many it does. But for just as many other women it doesn't happen and then you are on the brutal rollercoaster of infertility and maybe loss and then IVF or maybe you run out of time and it never happens for you

But then there is also a growing blase attitude to genetics these days - where if it doesn't work with your eggs or sperm then many just go and source some younger ones elsewhere. And therefore burden the ultimate child with the fall out of your life decisions and age related lack of fertility to be born to parents who share no dna with them. I can only see this trend continuing as average maternal age continues to increase unless the practice of egg and/or sperm donation is banned (unlikely)

Agree @usererror99 . See also: "worst comes to worst I'll just get a surrogate"

On the other end of the spectrum I will say as someone the younger side of 25 I am fully expecting judgement for my age once we’re pregnant. It’s really not common around here to be under 30.

Rampant individualism beautifully illustrated by SouthLondonMum " I didn't want to", " I wasn't ready" " it was right for me". It's Thatcherism writ large, ultimate comodification you can have whatever you want whenever you want.
what a load of shite

Thatcher left office thirty-three years ago. And I don't recall her having much of an agenda around encouraging women to delay childbearing.

Fuck what women want, they should go ahead and have children even if they really aren't sure they want them at all. Because... Something! The workers! Bring back socialism! I support the miners!

It's the cult of the individual which got traction in the '80's. Before that it was less about what the individual wanted in that moment and more about the collective good.

Delaying child bearing so long that you are dealing with elderly parents and young children simultaneously because you wanted to have fun in your 20's is an act of individualism. It cannot be construed in any other way.

I should say fun throughout your 20's as of course you can fun and still have babies before you are 30 and have fun after you have children.

Have you watched " there she goes" ? Things not happening may not be the worst case scenario. For me actively trying to conceive after 37 is playing genetic Russian roulette, but you do you.

That's quite different from 'medics will tell you that your family should be complete by 30', though, isn't it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bp2zq4

It's the cult of the individual which got traction in the '80's. Before that it was less about what the individual wanted in that moment and more about the collective good.

Yes because women who felt they had no choice but have dc were so happy in the past.
It's not individualism to what to be in the best place financially, emotionally when bringing dc into the world. More people should probably take that approach.

I should say fun throughout your 20's as of course you can fun and still have babies before you are 30 and have fun after you have children.

You can't be care free in the same way imo as dc are a huge responsibility

I didn’t want children at all in my 20’s. Should I have forced myself to want a child? I don’t see how that would’ve ended well.

Again, I also didn’t meet my DH until I was 29. Should I have just thrown caution to the wind and had a baby with him right away without making sure he was someone I wanted to share a child with? Or should I have just slept with someone random just so I could’ve had a baby in my 20’s?

Having my baby at 35 was the perfect age for me.

For me actively trying to conceive after 37 is playing genetic Russian roulette, but you do you.

I think you are playing Russian roulette at whatever age!

I wouldn’t call 30 young in any circumstances let alone having a baby.

Often IMO it’s the case that until they’re older, women haven’t found the right man to have children with. Certainly the case with dd and some of her friends. I remember one friend whose mother kept bewailing the fact that at this rate she was never going to have any grandchildren - anyone would think the poor girl was denying her on purpose. She just had yet to find the right man.

Do they really mean that, though? Or is it just to avoid intrusive questioning/provide a simple answer?

Of course I can't conduct a statistical study but I think very few people who have always wanted children leave it so late to TTC. Some people get broody very sudden, unexpectedly in their 30's. But I don't think anybody who has always wanted them wait to 'enjoy life'.

FWIW I was never one of those women who wanted children no matter what. I wasn't secure in my previous relationships , so I wasn't broody until I met DH and wanted to bear HIS children. Others may feel differently.

I have been described as a "young mum" several times (wasn't a teen Mum or early 20s Mum)

I've been referred to as a "young mum" several times too - I was 38 when I had DC! I think people are just trying to be nice 😅

On a serious note, I do think people should be mindful of the ages of grandparents, and the effect that has on how much help they can offer/need themselves, if they have children late - especially if the grandparents had children late themselves.

Also @usererror99 'enjoying life', 'having babies at 45' etc etc those were all throwaway answers I used to give people but only because the subject of kids kept coming up! That wasn't what I really believed. But why would I want to share my true feelings with people asking inappropriate questions...

I think that deliberately waiting years before ttc when you've met the right partner is ridiculous. Why the hell people would be bothered that they'd be perceived as too young is unfathomable.

Many women haven't met the right person in their twenties so they can't just ttc.

Re: "I didn't meet DH until later" - this is fair, but I also think there is some pressure to not settle down too early either.

I was with a lovely man aged 28 who would have been a great father but the environment we were in was very "live your best life, date lots of people, you're too young to settle!!" and we split. Same with many friends: "hmm he only earns the same amount as me, I really want someone 6ft tall who earns more than me and has abs and..." along with "...and I still have heaps of time to have kids so I'm not willing to settle" and it's like hmm, you're 35, are you sure? But advising women to "settle" (for someone stable and loving and secure and maybe with a bit of a dad bod) seems anathema these days so I keep my mouth shut.

...Right, because there was totally a time when people had children earlier than they wanted FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

Women have children either because 1) they want children or 2) pregnancy just happened while they were having sex. What you are saying is just utterly... nonsensical. Not least because if a woman does struggle to conceive or ends up balancing elderly parents in this theoretical universe where she put off having children solely so she could watch boxsets, the only person her choices hurt is herself.

🤔really, you broke up with men you were in love with and who were in love with you and who you had stable, good relationships with purely because of social pressure about being "young"?