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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 16/08/2023 09:28

We had 3 x dc. Dh never wanted a dw just the dc... And it showed in many ways. Have a good look at the real life you want op.

emizay · 16/08/2023 09:30

This actually disgusts me, another way men try to steal and take over a woman's special moments.

The entitlement.

doroda · 16/08/2023 09:32

Yanbu, that's horrible.

Friggingfrog · 16/08/2023 09:33

That’s awful. My dh also had most of the skin to skin time but because I asked him to- both c sections resulted in crazy low pressure and I felt really out of it so the first time I said please pass baby to dad, the second time (planned) I said I’m going to feel really dizzy. Please can baby go to dad until the dizziness goes, so he actually got the first hold of my daughter. But as soon as I felt ok he passed her straight back. Your dh has taken a moment you wanted and needed! And was prepared to do it for the second time. I think that’s what would annoy me most- that even after being told how you felt he was about to do it again. I would also find it really hard to get past that. How is he in normal day to day life?

napody · 16/08/2023 09:34

The story about your first daughter I could imagine him just being a bit overwhelmed and not thinking to offer her back to you/thought you needed recovery time/didn't understand the connection to successful breastfeeding.
The second birth: my mouth fell open reading it. What a knob. Well done to that midwife 👏

namechangedforth · 16/08/2023 09:35

No yanbu, I would be pissed off too op! Have you pulled him up on this as to why he tried to do it again ?!

Towst · 16/08/2023 09:38

That's awful. You carried them for 9 months and that overwhelming yearning for baby to be next to mum is universal. He didn't just rob you of that time but the babies too. How utterly selfish of him.

Qwerty21 · 16/08/2023 09:38

The first birth I could forgive but the second is pure disgraceful. What a selfish man

BlossomCloud · 16/08/2023 09:41

My (now ex) H behaved similarly both times. Just one of the many ways he always put himself first above me or indeed the children

KFAAYWFO · 16/08/2023 09:41

Does he disregard your wishes in any other way? As already mentioned, some men do not want wives but they do want children and often rob mothers of certain experiences.

BellaJuno · 16/08/2023 09:42

From the end of your post, it sounds like there are other ways you think he prioritizes his wishes over yours. I’d be upset too in your shoes OP.

Towst · 16/08/2023 09:44

Also there's certain hormones and chemistry activated for mum and baby when they have skin to skin after the 'trauma' of birth that helps both healing and stimulation of milk ducts for breastfeeding so doubly selfish and ignorant of him.

Hufflemuff · 16/08/2023 09:44

When was your second daughter born!? I don't think you're unreasonable (but I also DON'T think "omg your husband is so awful what a beast" from reading the story)

What's made you write this today?! I'd say if this happened years ago and you're still that annoyed by it, you need to look at why and try to let it go. Do you hold onto a lot of things and fixate on them this way?

FatNoMoreSue · 16/08/2023 09:44

What an arsehole. What was his explanation of the second time?

AncientBallerina · 16/08/2023 09:45

The first could have him being overwhelmed or a bit thoughtless but the second is so deliberate. Have you mentioned not to him? Let me guess - he dismissed your feelings or you believe he will if you say anything?

Fruitynutcase · 16/08/2023 09:45

After I gave birth, I reached up my hands to hold my baby but the midwife put him straight into my husbands arms . I was so disappointed and upset .She also would not let me have an epidural.I honestly believe she took a dislike to me .

nationallampoons · 16/08/2023 09:46

I'm sorry but your husband is very strange. It's weird behaviour

littleripper · 16/08/2023 09:48

I am so sorry OP. What does he say about his behaviour?

TherapistInATabard · 16/08/2023 09:51

I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Tell us about the other ways he tries to cut you out. When I started reading your OP I thought ‘there’ll be more to this’.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 16/08/2023 09:51

YABU you say yourself you were out of it on gas and air and so I think it was in baby’s best interests for him to hold her.
If you couldn’t even speak to ask to hold her then I don’t think you should have been holding a newborn.

The second time didn’t happen and so you cannot be upset/annoyed about something that may have happened.

Its his baby too and of course he’s going to be eager to hold them.
You had 9 months to feel them and this was the first time he could feel it and so of course his love is going to take over and just want to hold it.

It’s possible he would have had a little cuddle and then passed it straight to you. Of course he could have held onto them for hours and not let you near them - but that didn’t happen.

He did nothing wrong the second time (it doesn’t really matter whether that’s because he was stopped or not because at this point you are just guessing what may have happened).

I understand why you’re upset and it’s good to talk about it but I would let this go.
I would focus more on what is he like as a partner or dad since then.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 16/08/2023 09:52

I would also not have another child if there are any niggles of doubt in your mind.

Jellycats4life · 16/08/2023 09:54

Whether you were out of it the first time or not, he should have understood that this was a baby grown and birthed from your body, and you could quite easily have enjoyed the first hour together - the baby on you and him close to you, loving you both.

The fact that didn’t occur to him makes me feel quite sad for you.

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2023 09:55

Is he like this in other ways to try to exclude you?

RedHelenB · 16/08/2023 09:56

Is he a loving devoted father?

Yamaya · 16/08/2023 10:00

I agree with everyone else, the first birth I could forgive as maybe he didn't realise and was a first time dad. After you explained it to him and asked him not to do it again and he tried to - I'd be furious. What a dick.