Page 22 | To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 2023-08-16T08:15:14+00:00

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour. I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born. These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted! I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births. Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

Chickenkeev · 18/08/2023 09:18

I'm really surprised that anyone who has given birth is so 'meh' about this. Maybe it was particularly special/different for me (i doubt it tbh) but it was the most vulnerable i've ever been.

captainmarvella · 18/08/2023 09:27

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

This, so much. OP, your update gave me chills. I hope you realise that your husband is not normal.

CarriedAwayWithIt · 18/08/2023 09:43

He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born

Utter rubbish.

Our DS was placed on my chest straight away after birth for all of about a minute before I begged DH to take him because I knew something was wrong, I was burning up and was begging the midwives to give him to DH instead. He came and took him eventually because the MWs weren't listening to me and kept insisting skin to skin was important. Once DH had him, they realised I had a very high temp and oxygen was low, I ended up on oxygen, throwing up and genuinely feeling like I was about to die.

Point being, DH had the vast majority of the first skin to skin with our son. And he's still a full on mummy's boy!

I really don't think it matters as much as they insist it does. Although of course your husband absolutely SHOULD have respected your wish to have skin to skin after everything you'd been through and shouldn't be using the fact now to explain his closeness or lack thereof to your daughters.

SiousieSoo · 18/08/2023 11:32

timberho · 17/08/2023 20:49

Tbh, I find the posts where people find dad skin to skin 'icky' far more juvenile. Just suggesting that the OP might be getting some 'group think' on this one.

Are your comprehension skills lacking in any way? It is the image of him unbuttoning his shirt to take over the skin to skin contact experience which should have been for the mother and child. The way he took over this is icky and disturbing.

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/08/2023 12:38

I don’t accept or excuse the first time he did this. Seeing your partner progress through each stage of pregnancy and the sacrifices she made: vomiting (morning sickness), not eating certain foods, abstaining from certain beverages eg. alcohol, caffeine, and the discomfort of being heavily pregnant impacting getting to sleep comfortably. Then there is tiredness and hormonal changes. Sometimes there is pain from sciatica etc.

Then seeing your partner progress through birth stages. The pain of contractions, the hard work of labour, or the significant incision of cesarean.

No decent person who witnessed their partner through all of that would then expect that they were entitled to being the first to hold baby! Regardless of them equally being the parent.

If I was in a relationship with a person who was pregnant with our child, gave birth; I absolutely would completely understand why after all that they should have skin to skin and hold our baby first, for as long as they needed. Plenty of time later would I have that opportunity.

And on top of that I would understand that newborn baby is transitioning from the womb (having only existed inside the mum’s body) to the outside world. They are familiar with her heartbeat (throughout their entire life) and they are familiar with her body and scent. They have been nourished by her through the umbilical cord. They are newborn and naturally climb and root for breastmilk. They should not be denied their natural instinct or needs.

How the fuck dare he have this entitled attitude right from the beginning!

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/08/2023 12:54

Window82 · 17/08/2023 23:50

OP I had cesereans and honestly I think my DH was more worried about me than the babies, I mean he held them and he may even had skin to skin at one point but his biggest concern was me, was I ok. The babies he held but he held them near me, to my face, he let me kiss them. He kept asking me what I wanted.

What your H does is just really very wrong. Why does he try to exclude you, it doesn’t mean because that’s how his family was that’s how she should be? Very very strange behaviours. I’m sorry but I think you should be re-evaluating your relationship.

💖This is exactly how a loving partner treats their partner.

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/08/2023 12:57

@Window82 I meant to add that your DH sounds like a really decent and caring person.

Merlin3189 · 18/08/2023 13:21

As a man, albeit very old, I can't see how anyone can YABU this.

Dad's these days are often much closer to their kids, including physically, than we were, but I can't imagine anyone I know, either behaving like that or condoning it. The child might be the centre of attention, but mum is the hero of the day, the one who needs and deserves all our support.

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 13:38

SiousieSoo · 18/08/2023 11:32

Are your comprehension skills lacking in any way? It is the image of him unbuttoning his shirt to take over the skin to skin contact experience which should have been for the mother and child. The way he took over this is icky and disturbing.

Show quote history

It absolutely is, but a number of posters have quite clearly stated that they think a man having any skin-to-skin with a newborn is icky or sickening, even if it does not disrupt the ‘golden hour’, and that is juvenile.

Mrsgreen100 · 18/08/2023 14:56

My ex did this , I was tired post brith I didn’t want a fuss
my ex had his shirt unbuttoned and scooped her up, that was 20 years ago , it was confusing at the time , but he continued to cut me out all though her childhood in so many strange ways , ( I just didn’t see it at the time)
i see now I have thrown him out and the awful relationship is for me done
thankfully my daughter and I are really close , and she’s figured out just exactly who he is all by herself .but unfortunately she’s having to navigate a relationship with a covert narcissist
for a father , heartbreaking.
A loving husband father I now realise would help you hold the baby to your chest , not whizz it away .
I hope for you he isn’t controlling or NPD type
and it’s just he’s over excited behaviour, and a bit of a twit !
I feel your frustration, even after 20 years still makes me sad .

DonnaBanana · 18/08/2023 15:24

What a weird man being there for the birth of his children and wanting to bond with them. It’d have been better if he’d stayed at home.

Chickenkeev · 18/08/2023 15:26

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 13:38

It absolutely is, but a number of posters have quite clearly stated that they think a man having any skin-to-skin with a newborn is icky or sickening, even if it does not disrupt the ‘golden hour’, and that is juvenile.

Show quote history

No. People are shocked that OP husband actively stopped her from having skin to skin.
Actively. And is now really weird with their kids. There is a lot going on here.¹

MarvellousMonsters · 18/08/2023 17:39

"Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!"

What complete and total bullshit

"We will wait for mummy to leave before we continue playing/talking"

That's just plain weird. He's very controlling, and manipulative, almost secretive. I'd be deliberately minimising the amount of time he spends 1:1 with your eldest as I'd be creeped out by the way he diminishes your importance and relevance in her life.

MarvellousMonsters · 18/08/2023 17:42

JusthereforXmas · 16/08/2023 11:21

I was busy nearly dying when my first was born, they saved my life but I was unconscious for about 6 hours.

It took 4 hours to sew the many tears I suffered with my second as I blacked in and out from exhaustion all throughout. He was delivered to my chest for a minute but by the time I was fully alert again over 4 hours later he had been rushed to NICU and I couldn't hold him for days.

My third was hypothermic and had to be in a special heat chamber for her first day of life, no holding her at all either.

I carried them for 9 months alone, my Dh can have an hours cuddle while I'm physically recovering. Why on earth would I deny either of them that especially when Im hardly in the best state to do it.

When my second was born on my chest and I could feel myself drifting out of it I literally said to DH 'grab him' and he said 'You did the last 9 months, I'll take it from here' and frankly its a godsend to be able to relax knowing baby is safe with dad.

This is in no way comparable to the controlling behaviour of the OPs husband. How can you think it is??

billy1966 · 18/08/2023 18:14

SiousieSoo · 18/08/2023 11:32

Are your comprehension skills lacking in any way? It is the image of him unbuttoning his shirt to take over the skin to skin contact experience which should have been for the mother and child. The way he took over this is icky and disturbing.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

The comprehension, literacy, and ability to grasp nuance in an OP's post, is often lamentable at times on here.

As are any comparisons when a mother was fully incapacitated and her husband stepped in.

These posts are in NO WAY comparable.

The OP has spelt out that her husband is clearly very fixed on creating space between him his wife and the two children.

He is focused on separation of the children and spending alone time with his chosen child.

He is a deeply disturbed scary man.

I hope the OP is acting on her own excellent gut feeling, and seeking professional support for her concerns.

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 18:20

Chickenkeev · 18/08/2023 15:26

No. People are shocked that OP husband actively stopped her from having skin to skin.
Actively. And is now really weird with their kids. There is a lot going on here.¹

Show quote history

That is indeed the consensus of the thread, and one I agree with wholeheartedly. OP’s husband’s behaviour is deeply unsettling and very sinister. I hope she is able to access some support in RL to protect her daughters and herself.

However, having read the whole thread I can absolutely assure you that a number of individuals have specifically stated that the idea of a man having any skin-to-skin contact with a newborn at all gives them ‘the ick’ or ‘knocks them sick’, or other words to the same effect. Feel free to scroll back and read these posts for yourself.

Chickenkeev · 18/08/2023 18:35

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 18:20

That is indeed the consensus of the thread, and one I agree with wholeheartedly. OP’s husband’s behaviour is deeply unsettling and very sinister. I hope she is able to access some support in RL to protect her daughters and herself.

However, having read the whole thread I can absolutely assure you that a number of individuals have specifically stated that the idea of a man having any skin-to-skin contact with a newborn at all gives them ‘the ick’ or ‘knocks them sick’, or other words to the same effect. Feel free to scroll back and read these posts for yourself.

Show quote history

If the main thing you get from this is worrying about men, you have a problem. The man in question is the problem here. Men aren't always the problem, but this one very much is. He is controlling, and potentially a child abuser. The entire situation is awful.

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 18:47

Chickenkeev · 18/08/2023 18:35

If the main thing you get from this is worrying about men, you have a problem. The man in question is the problem here. Men aren't always the problem, but this one very much is. He is controlling, and potentially a child abuser. The entire situation is awful.

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I explicitly acknowledged as much in the first paragraph of my previous post. I have said nothing to imply that the ‘main thing’ I have taken from this thread is ‘worrying about men’.

IAteTheLastOne · 18/08/2023 19:33

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

Initially, I thought maybe just let it go-my fella had first holds of both our winkles and I loved that for him, the pride he had holding them was beautiful! But after this post, he sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest-and the whole starting to unbutton his shirt just made me think it was all a bit pervy! I know it wasn’t but I just couldn’t shake that feeling 😂

nothingcomestonothing · 18/08/2023 20:00

DonnaBanana · 18/08/2023 15:24

What a weird man being there for the birth of his children and wanting to bond with them. It’d have been better if he’d stayed at home.

RTFT

Clarabell77 · 18/08/2023 21:27

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/08/2023 18:20

That is indeed the consensus of the thread, and one I agree with wholeheartedly. OP’s husband’s behaviour is deeply unsettling and very sinister. I hope she is able to access some support in RL to protect her daughters and herself.

However, having read the whole thread I can absolutely assure you that a number of individuals have specifically stated that the idea of a man having any skin-to-skin contact with a newborn at all gives them ‘the ick’ or ‘knocks them sick’, or other words to the same effect. Feel free to scroll back and read these posts for yourself.

Show quote history

It gives me the ick. It also gives my husband the ick. There’s no need for it. I’m not even 100% sure if there’s really any need for it from mum, given it’s a fairly new concept and mothers have been bonding with their babies for as long as we’ve been in existence. I can see why it makes sense with the mum though, given the baby has been living inside her body for 9 months and likely to be feeding from her body, but there is no need for the dads to be sticking their hairy chest in baby’s face. Yuk.

NeinDanke · 18/08/2023 22:20

These posts gave me the chills. Trust your gut OP and try and find some RL support.

ThanksItHasPockets · 19/08/2023 08:46

Clarabell77 · 18/08/2023 21:27

It gives me the ick. It also gives my husband the ick. There’s no need for it. I’m not even 100% sure if there’s really any need for it from mum, given it’s a fairly new concept and mothers have been bonding with their babies for as long as we’ve been in existence. I can see why it makes sense with the mum though, given the baby has been living inside her body for 9 months and likely to be feeding from her body, but there is no need for the dads to be sticking their hairy chest in baby’s face. Yuk.

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There we go! Much obliged.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 19/08/2023 11:01

DonnaBanana · 18/08/2023 15:24

What a weird man being there for the birth of his children and wanting to bond with them. It’d have been better if he’d stayed at home.

The dad is also struggling to bond with his second daughter because he didn't get skin to skin contact. I agree he is a weirdo for being a prick to his other child over not having skin to skin contact.

Dillane · 19/08/2023 11:44

Carpediemmakeitcount · 19/08/2023 11:01

The dad is also struggling to bond with his second daughter because he didn't get skin to skin contact. I agree he is a weirdo for being a prick to his other child over not having skin to skin contact.

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The dad is also struggling to bond with his second daughter because he didn't get skin to skin contact.

Please tell me you’re not serious?