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Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 10:50

What a prick

Dump him OP

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 10:51

It sounds like he is grooming your oldest daughter to keep secrets from you. I'd be really concerned about his motives OP.

Comtesse · 16/08/2023 10:51

Your second post OP - good grief that is twisted. We’ll continue chatting when mummy is not here - wtf?? You are not overreacting, this is very weird. Why is he trying to lord it over you like this??

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 16/08/2023 10:51

@PurpleButterflyWings
Or you could, you know, filter the comments so you can read ALL the OPs posts before you comment???

Mumsanetta · 16/08/2023 10:51

So your DH attributes the closeness he has with DD1 to the skin to skin time he had with her and wanted to deny you that closeness with your DD2 as well? What do you think this says about his character? Fwiw, closeness in the first couple of years does not equal closeness later on in life, it seems more likely that he is close to DD1 because he makes more effort with her and spends more time with her now (rather than 3ish years ago).

Walking off and leaving you trailing behind when you’re out is also not ok. My DH used to do this because he’s impatient and I gave him a thorough telling off about it in front of our DD and whenever he is now tempted to do it, my DD reminds him that we’re a family and wait for each other.

Fwiw I too share your general uneasiness about your DH’s behaviour. Not to the point of LTB but certainly enough to suggest counselling on the basis you’re not happy with the current family dynamic.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 16/08/2023 10:52

Comtesse · 16/08/2023 10:51

Your second post OP - good grief that is twisted. We’ll continue chatting when mummy is not here - wtf?? You are not overreacting, this is very weird. Why is he trying to lord it over you like this??

Yes, this made my blood run cold. Who excludes the other parent like that????

Verulio · 16/08/2023 10:52

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

This sounds so unhealthy. I now see why you’re focussed on skin to skin time as he is clearly using it against you and making it an issue. Attachment is an ongoing process not something that’s switched on in half an hour after the birth, him not having skin to skin contact wouldn’t have that kind of effect (I’m a psychologist). It’s not you holding a grudge, it’s him!

Especially based on this update, I don’t think the issue you really have is with these incidents, but it’s more this overall feeling that he’s trying to exclude you from your own family and puts his own needs/desires first. Do listen to your gut and talk to some people in real life about this, don’t ignore it.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:53

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 10:40

You’ve never heard of a newborn having skin-to-skin with the non-birthing parent if it isn’t possible with the mother? It’s the norm. Best practice is for mother and baby but there are multiple situations where this isn’t possible and the other parent steps in.

This isn’t really relevant to the OP however. Her situation is clearly about much much more than this.

Show quote history

Thanks for answering! No, I don't know about birth practices. I was curious about whether it was normal and he was overdoing it the first time, or whether it's unknown.

Absolutely agree that this is just the surface of what OP is facing.

Lionandtheunicorn · 16/08/2023 10:54

I’ve just read second update OP. And echoing what pp said, it is ringing alarm bells. Forced secrets, excluding you. Eldest daughter as golden child. At best it’s competing with you about who is the favourite parent, at worst, it’s something far more sinister.

I would contact Womens Aid, and start to record these interactions in a diary. Keep this safe and hidden from him.

You sound like a lovely Mum. Your daughters are lucky to have you. I wish you all the very best x

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 10:56

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 10:51

It sounds like he is grooming your oldest daughter to keep secrets from you. I'd be really concerned about his motives OP.

You need to institute a family rule - we don't keep secrets.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/08/2023 10:57

Ok op.

So, your husband is vile. A horrible selfish horrible man.

I think you already know this.

I think you need to start quietly working towards life without him.

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 10:57

"Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!"

I hope you laugh in his face when he says that. How ridiculous

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 10:57

That doesn’t sound good, OP.

Now I’m realising that when I had my emergency c-section (much blood loss), our son had about an hour skin to skin time with my DP.

I didn’t really mind in my circs tbh. My DP already had three grown up children, and had agreed to give me a child out of love for me. The nice surprise for him was that fatherhood second time around gave him more joy than he ever expected.

You need to be careful that your daughters don’t internalise your DH’s attitude.

This quote from a radical feminist Bonnie Burstow pulled me up short because I realised I’d been guilty of this attitude with my mother. I thought I’d never be so stupid as to turn into a drudge, my dad with the professional job, and my mum
with the boring admin job. Though my life’s worked out very differently.

”Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”

Make sure your DP respects you, for your daughters’ sake as much as yours. x

Jl2014 · 16/08/2023 10:57

Just read the 2nd update. Altogether he sounds a bit creepy. Was this what things were like in his family growing up?

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 16/08/2023 10:58

The skin to skin thing I would completely let go of.
The first time you were out of it on gas and air and tbh I didn’t realise you could hold a baby whilst being sewn up from a C-section and nothing actually happened the second time.

But his behaviour since then is not ok.

These are both of your children and neither parent should ever feel uncomfortable or left out.

Most kids do have a favourite parent and it’s usually the one they spend most time with.
It’s ok that your eldest is closer to him and your youngest is closer to you.
What’s not ok is feeling excluded.

When he says about finishing the game/conversation when you leave, what do you say?

I would make a big effort to do activities with just you and the kids.
Does this ever happen?

It would be really nice if you were able to have a hobby with the eldest and he have a hobby with the youngest.

Username1107 · 16/08/2023 11:00

He sounds horrible op, and he's driving a wedge between you and the children. I would probably consider leaving someone who would undermine me like that, and I don't say that lightly. I'm generally on the side of trying to work things out, but that behaviour makes me feel a little bit sick. I'm sorry op, you deserve better than that.

Marscleo · 16/08/2023 11:01

I am surprised the midwives didn't gently suggest handing her over to you the first time after he'd held her for a while so that she could attempt to latch. In any case, YANBU!! Bizarre behaviour and sense of entitlement.

Frogger8395 · 16/08/2023 11:03

we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing".

He sounds like a pedo.

Marmighty · 16/08/2023 11:04

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 10:57

That doesn’t sound good, OP.

Now I’m realising that when I had my emergency c-section (much blood loss), our son had about an hour skin to skin time with my DP.

I didn’t really mind in my circs tbh. My DP already had three grown up children, and had agreed to give me a child out of love for me. The nice surprise for him was that fatherhood second time around gave him more joy than he ever expected.

You need to be careful that your daughters don’t internalise your DH’s attitude.

This quote from a radical feminist Bonnie Burstow pulled me up short because I realised I’d been guilty of this attitude with my mother. I thought I’d never be so stupid as to turn into a drudge, my dad with the professional job, and my mum
with the boring admin job. Though my life’s worked out very differently.

”Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”

Make sure your DP respects you, for your daughters’ sake as much as yours. x

Bloody hell that quotation from Bonnie B has given me pause.

I agree OP, institute a ‘no secrets’ rule in the family.

He sounds v odd to be attributing his relationship with DD1 to an hour of skin to skin. Is it possible for you to interrogate that with him at all? Bizarre of him to keep bringing it up.

mrsbyers · 16/08/2023 11:04

That’s vile

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

Yellowflower47 · 16/08/2023 11:08

Having read your second reply, this sounds awfully unhealthy. Lots of dad’s, including my husband, do skin to skin after baby is born (which should be AFTER the golden hour imo) and it’s lovely that they want to do that and get excited to do so. But this sounds really bizarre and like he’s using it as something to spite you with? The relationship he has with your daughter and the ways he’s trying to exclude you are manipulative - sounds like parental alienation but within your own home/family unit. This will also likely impact your youngest too as they will soon notice they’re treated differently. I’d leave, to protect your children mostly.

Cowlover89 · 16/08/2023 11:09

YANBU what an arsehole!

billy1966 · 16/08/2023 11:12

Listen to your gut on this.

He makes my skin crawl at your description of him.

I would say the midwife had the measure of him having seen all sorts.

He sounds deeply controlling.

The deliberately walking ahead of you with your eldest and his remarks about waiting to leave a room are really creepy.

Are you happily married?

I cannot imagine how.

Original poster
Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 11:13

Thank you all for the comments, they have helped me see things more clearly. I do not have any concern that my husband is sexually abusing my daughters. I do not believve he is excluding me for any nefarious reasons. It is more that he wants to maintain control of the situation and cannnot focus his attention on more than one person at once. My husband has 2 siblings and comes from a family in which they have a similar pattern of only being able to cope with one child at a time. So much so, that in the past 15 years, there have only been 2 occasions in which they have all met together as a family, they meet eachother frequently, but prefer to meet up separately. This is not my idea of family life at all.

OP posts: