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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

552 replies

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 09:15

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 16/08/2023 10:40

…….I was a bit out of it on gas and air ……… he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour………… I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so

The first birth I can’t begrudge him that hour at all given what you have described. If you were groggy for up to an hour then I think it was the best course risk wise. However, for the second birth, he seemed an utter dick and that’s not on.

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 10:40

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:27

Okay, I've never heard of men doing this before - is it common practice? The whole idea skeeves me out, it sounds like what fetishist men do.

Aside from that, once was bad enough, twice is way over the line.

You’ve never heard of a newborn having skin-to-skin with the non-birthing parent if it isn’t possible with the mother? It’s the norm. Best practice is for mother and baby but there are multiple situations where this isn’t possible and the other parent steps in.

This isn’t really relevant to the OP however. Her situation is clearly about much much more than this.

Peony654 · 16/08/2023 10:40

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PurpleButterflyWings · 16/08/2023 10:41

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AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 10:42

Actually I would get advice from domestic violence type people before making plans to leave. His behaviour is so creepy. You want to be able to record or document it in some way so you have evidence if he tries to play mind games and gain custody of your eldest, which sounds likely from his behaviour.

Professionals would be able to advice if the suspicions about being predatory or even potentially sexually abusive are well founded and what you should do.

Sauvblanctime · 16/08/2023 10:42

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

He sounds like a waste of skin

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 10:42

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Because the OP is using the thread to articulate a deeply upsetting personal situation and needs time to process as she posts? If you want a beautifully structured story read a novel or a newspaper.

Summerslimtime · 16/08/2023 10:42

He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born

This is it, isn't it??

What bullshit. Yeah a bit of skin on skin trumps your 9 months of bonding, and outside of pregnancy, any relationship you build.

What a horrible bloke. Doesn't sound like he thinks that much of you. Sounds quite dangerous the way he is with your eldest. He must be like this in your relationship generally??

Mikimoto · 16/08/2023 10:42

Possibly more to this - maybe the first child is closer to the husband and OP is trying to work out a reason why.

JudgeRudy · 16/08/2023 10:43

TherapistInATabard · 16/08/2023 09:51

I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Tell us about the other ways he tries to cut you out. When I started reading your OP I thought ‘there’ll be more to this’.

Yes, my thoughts exactly. First time could be thoughtlessness but 2nd....that's someone showing you who they are.

Lemonaade · 16/08/2023 10:43

agree with others, first one I would probably let go but after reading what he did the second time I would find it hard to let both times ago as it shows that he was absolutely thinking of himself and what he wanted. Pleased the midwife ignored him.
Made me feel so upset and angry for you.

Your update is a bit worrying but we don’t know the whole story of what that means!

AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 10:43

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Because she's not been able to see her H clearly for what he is, he's probably messing with her head, if she had his behaviour at the births and his behaviour since all lined up logically in her head she probably would have left him a long time ago.

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 10:43

Hats off to that midwife, first of all.

OP, your husband sounds very odd and frankly like a complete dick.

Why does HE keep bringing up those early moments of skin to skin when he knows it's upsetting for you?

What the fuck does he think those moments bought him?

He sounds absolutely bizarre.

I hope you have someone to speak to, your concerns are completely valid.

JenniferBarkley · 16/08/2023 10:43

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:27

Okay, I've never heard of men doing this before - is it common practice? The whole idea skeeves me out, it sounds like what fetishist men do.

Aside from that, once was bad enough, twice is way over the line.

It was discussed as part of our antenatal classes - good for babies so dad can do it if mum isn't able, and that it's good for dad to do in the early days too. I can't actually remember if DH ever did with either of ours. Blush

But obviously this thread is something else.

CockSpadget · 16/08/2023 10:44

Your husband isn’t mentally normal.

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2023 10:45

The first time also disturbs me to read about. He sat away from you with your newborn for an hour?? Who does that?

He sounds quite scary, tbh. His behaviour is not normal and does not sound safe for you or your daughters.

Have you considered leaving? Have you ever spoken to friends or family about your situation?

loldollz · 16/08/2023 10:45

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 10:42

Because the OP is using the thread to articulate a deeply upsetting personal situation and needs time to process as she posts? If you want a beautifully structured story read a novel or a newspaper.

Show quote history

👏Well said!!

Lionandtheunicorn · 16/08/2023 10:45

YANBU. My stomach is churning imagining how this must have felt, at what were likely two of the most vulnerable moments of your life. Is he like this in other ways? I’m so sorry this happened OP.

Floralnomad · 16/08/2023 10:46

After your initial post I thought bit odd but does it really matter if he’s a good husband and father , after your update I’d be planning your exit as there is definitely something wrong with him . My lovely husband took both of ours as soon as they were born as on both occasions I was in no position to take them - throwing up , haemorrhaging etc it certainly never affected my bond with them .

ThanksItHasPockets · 16/08/2023 10:47

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is a real person trying to work through a real situation. She started by posting about a really specific situation that has been bothering her. Multiple posters recognised that there is something deeper going on and asked her relevant questions. This helped her to articulate the other ways in which his behaviour is unsettling. There will probably be other revelations to come and the whole process will hopefully help OP to articulate in real life the insidious ways in which her husband behaves.

I think we can therefore forgive her for not following the conventions of narrative structure.

xnalaks · 16/08/2023 10:47

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

No OP you don't sound silly and unreasonable at all, your OHs behaviour is not normal. I am concerned for the safety of you and your daughters. Reading your posts makes my skin crawl. Listen to your instincts, I can feel you're uncomfortable with his behaviour.

Roselee1 · 16/08/2023 10:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

3luckystars · 16/08/2023 10:48

He sounds really twisted.

Yes the first few hours are probably good for bonding but so is the 20 years after the first hour.

It sounds like he has been using this first hour to Lord his superiority over you.

He deliberately tried to do it the second time. He is excluding you and bringing this up for years, are you questioning his behaviour?

PutTheHatOn · 16/08/2023 10:49

To everyone who missed the update do you have the OP's posts marked as a different coloured box so they are easy to see? If not, go into your MN account, under settings and talk settings and assign choose a colour from the highlight a post by author and you can also do one for yourself too. It makes it really easy to see if you are scrolling down a thread.

@Hamiltondoesnthesitate your update is quite chilling, secretive behaviour being encouraged is very worrying. Dh is incredibly close to our children, he has put a lot of effort into that, at no stage would he ever exclude me or the other child when it was just him and one child. It is disturbing that he is actively separating you and DD2 from him and DD1. It is ringing alarm bells.

Skin to skin is great but I didn't have it with either of mine, EMCS then ELCS and I am incredibly close to both my sons who are 20 and 17. It isn't the be all and end all.

Jl2014 · 16/08/2023 10:49

When I was first reading about your resentment from baby 1 I was going to say you were being unreasonable and let it go. But to do that for the 2nd one as well?! What a twat! Good on the midwife for bringing her to you. I’d be furious too that he purposely tried to ruin such a special moment for you after you gave birth. Unbelievable.

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