Page 6 | To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 2023-08-16T08:15:14+00:00

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour. I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born. These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted! I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births. Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

billy1966 · 16/08/2023 11:14

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

I agree with this.

Seriously creepy and fxxked up.

I wouldn't trust him for a minute.

MoltenLasagne · 16/08/2023 11:15

This is not OK. He is purposefully creating a divide in your family and teaching your daughter to keep secrets. Both are massive red flags beyond his creepy obsession with skin to skin.

Yalta · 16/08/2023 11:15

He sounds creepy and I wouldn’t want any child near him.

The whole thing sounds like an exercise in grooming and the way he continues to attribute the initial skin to skin time as the reason he is close to your eldest is just weird.

I personally think you need to stop as much contact with your eldest as possible and as far as possible reduce their alone time.

When he says that they will wait to continue their conversation until you are not there . Have you ever called him out on this and asked why they are discussing things that you as her mother aren’t allowed to hear

Have you called him out for being creepy and weird

What will happen when eldest gets a bf and she is no longer daddies girl.
Or is he expecting to be his little girl forever

Jellycats4life · 16/08/2023 11:15

He is going to fuck up your two daughters by creating this golden child / scapegoat dynamic.

nothingcomestonothing · 16/08/2023 11:18

Please talk to someone in real life about this - health visitor, school pastoral care, anyone. This is really worrying.

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints.

I bet that's how he's characterised it when you try to talk about it, isn't it? That you're being silly about little things? He's gaslighting you. Listen to your gut.

stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing".

At best he is actively trying to damage your relationship with your child, maybe because he need to be favourite parent or something. At not best, he's trying to alienate your child's affections. At worst, he's trying to create and reinforce their 'special close relationship which mummy isn't part of' for more sinister reasons. What does your gut say?

Please talk to someone in real life OP, even the best case scenario here is damaging for you and for both of your children.

Original poster

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 11:19

WinterDeWinter · 16/08/2023 11:07

I think the big problem is what's going on NOW @Hamiltondoesnthesitate . It's very, very, very wrong for your husband to be creating an 'you and me versus mum' structure in your family.Have you ever challenged him on this, because it's extraordinarily manipulative and also very unusual to be so open about it. If you haven't, you must start doing so now. Right now.

At the very least this is emotional abuse towards both your DD and you.

At the very worst it's sexual grooming. Somewhere in the middle is emotional grooming, where the daughter becomes the 'wife' in the triad, with lasting psychological impact on her. He will make her complicit in this - he already is - and she will feel terrible conflict and self-repulsion because she has been groomed to crave what she on some level knows is wrong. She will seek similar triangles in the future - will not feel loved unless it is at the expense of another. At the same time, she's likely to be tortured by guilt.

Your second daughter will also be profoundly impacted - rejected as 'not enough to be my wife'. As well as the crushing blow to her self-esteem, she will also know that what she longs for is wrong - like your elder daughter, she will hate herself for wanting her father's perverse attention.

On the matter of the skin to skin - you can see that he thinks this time is exceptionally important, because he (wrongly) attributes his lack of closeness with DD2 to not having it with her. Yet twice he wanted to deprive you of that bond.

There is something deeply, deeply creepy about a man demanding that a tiny powerless baby touches him in this utterly intimate way - 'gives herself to him first'. Others have mentioned, there is something fetishistic about it. It's fucking repulsive actually.

These are serious and very unusual responses/behaviours OP. This is so very far beyond normal. I think he sounds dangerous, and I don't think I've ever said that on here.

I am going to think in depth about what you have written here. From a psychological stand point, you have verbalised my internal thoughts that I have been struggling to express.

OP posts:

Sugargliderwombat · 16/08/2023 11:19

Omg your update op....you are not silly or unreasonable they are HUGE red flags. He is deliberately trying to divide your family and clearly has a favourite. Awful bullying behaviour, you must be suffering so much more than you are letting on ❤️

billy1966 · 16/08/2023 11:20

OP,
I suggest you talk to your GP and tell them what you have written.

See what a professional thinks of the above.

4 children here and my husband is very close to all children.

He managed this without skin on skin time and making the birth of our children about him.

Surely you have the ICK.

Everything is about HIM.

It most certainly isn't in either of your daughter's best interests.

Creepy and controlling.

Poor children.

Sherrycat · 16/08/2023 11:20

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 11:13

Thank you all for the comments, they have helped me see things more clearly. I do not have any concern that my husband is sexually abusing my daughters. I do not believve he is excluding me for any nefarious reasons. It is more that he wants to maintain control of the situation and cannnot focus his attention on more than one person at once. My husband has 2 siblings and comes from a family in which they have a similar pattern of only being able to cope with one child at a time. So much so, that in the past 15 years, there have only been 2 occasions in which they have all met together as a family, they meet eachother frequently, but prefer to meet up separately. This is not my idea of family life at all.

It has been the same over the yrs with DH & his brother. I always thought it odd how their parents saw them separately most of the time. The same thing happened when the grandsons came along. They wouldn’t let our son go over if the other grandson was there.
They are very odd in general & very controlling! I am NC with them for a number of reasons.

Libelula21 · 16/08/2023 11:21

Ok, though demanding droit de seigneur during Golden Hour is selfish, and at the one time above all others when the mother should have primacy, care, and honour.

I think your instincts were right, OP.

It’s good that you see that family dynamics need to be reframed in a healthier way, and hopefully your DH will have the self-awareness to work with you on this. 💐

JusthereforXmas · 16/08/2023 11:21

I was busy nearly dying when my first was born, they saved my life but I was unconscious for about 6 hours.

It took 4 hours to sew the many tears I suffered with my second as I blacked in and out from exhaustion all throughout. He was delivered to my chest for a minute but by the time I was fully alert again over 4 hours later he had been rushed to NICU and I couldn't hold him for days.

My third was hypothermic and had to be in a special heat chamber for her first day of life, no holding her at all either.

I carried them for 9 months alone, my Dh can have an hours cuddle while I'm physically recovering. Why on earth would I deny either of them that especially when Im hardly in the best state to do it.

When my second was born on my chest and I could feel myself drifting out of it I literally said to DH 'grab him' and he said 'You did the last 9 months, I'll take it from here' and frankly its a godsend to be able to relax knowing baby is safe with dad.

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 11:21

He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born.

This has actually made me feel a bit sick and rings major alarm bells for me.
That's fucking weird. And saying he doesn't have the same relationship with his second because he didn't have skin to skin contact?

In regards to your initial question, I'd be gutted about birth no1 but could forgive. Birth no2, I would be furious about to this day. He sounds like a selfish, creepy weirdo.

I agree with the posters sharing their concerns about creating divides in the family, and also grooming.

pontipinemum · 16/08/2023 11:21

The 1st time it sounded like it sort of just happened.

The 2nd time though when you had expressly said what you wanted and he tried to take the baby anyway is terrible and I would be annoyed about that!! I'm glad the MW gave DD to you.

As for him not being as close to DD2 because of it that's crap. I had an EMCS, I don't fully remember but I don't think DH got to hold him at all. DS was placed on me while they stitched me up. Then DS and I were brought to a recovery room to be monitored for about an hour. When we went back to the ward DS was handed to DH for the 1st time with the instructions he needed a nappy change!

stayathomer · 16/08/2023 11:21

yup same as the others, doing it a second time- awful! I don’t agree that he doesn’t deserve special time with the baby too though but I get the whole ‘my time’ thing, as you’ve just been through hell to get to the snuggly part!!

Sugargliderwombat · 16/08/2023 11:22

JusthereforXmas · 16/08/2023 11:21

I was busy nearly dying when my first was born, they saved my life but I was unconscious for about 6 hours.

It took 4 hours to sew the many tears I suffered with my second as I blacked in and out from exhaustion all throughout. He was delivered to my chest for a minute but by the time I was fully alert again over 4 hours later he had been rushed to NICU and I couldn't hold him for days.

My third was hypothermic and had to be in a special heat chamber for her first day of life, no holding her at all either.

I carried them for 9 months alone, my Dh can have an hours cuddle while I'm physically recovering. Why on earth would I deny either of them that especially when Im hardly in the best state to do it.

When my second was born on my chest and I could feel myself drifting out of it I literally said to DH 'grab him' and he said 'You did the last 9 months, I'll take it from here' and frankly its a godsend to be able to relax knowing baby is safe with dad.

Think you need to read the updates.

AliceMcK · 16/08/2023 11:23

I was all for saying yabu until I read what he did with your second. I’d definitely be pissed even after all this time.

I never got skin on skin with my first until about 12 hours later, she was given to me swaddled so tightly. I actually pushed her away due to drugs given to me making me want to throw up. My husband help her for hours, but only because I told him if anything happened to me he wasn’t allowed to leave her side. I was out of it so he did exactly what I wanted.

DD 2 the midwife slapped her on me and the greedy little Madame latched on and wouldn’t unlatch for over an hour so DH had to wait his turn.

UmbilicalCordonBleu · 16/08/2023 11:24

The whole ‘we will wait for mummy to leave before we carry on’ thing set of huge alarm bells for me. I agree with others, this whole dynamic is really strange and hugely concerning. I think you need to seek professional advice about what is happening here and what you should do about it.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2023 11:25

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

You know this isn't normal and he's horrible, don't you?

He didn't want a family, He wanted someone to bear his offspring

Do you have options?

puffincarpet · 16/08/2023 11:26

Everyone posting without reading the updates needs to read them, because there is some seriously concerning behaviour happening from the Dad years post-birth. This isn't just a case of "he really wanted to help after birth", he's creating a divide including not having open conversations in front of Mum.

Moroccanqueen · 16/08/2023 11:27

I’m clearly in the minority here but I really don’t see an issue with him doing skin to skin although I do agree that if you expressed your feelings then he should have listened to you though so was definitely a-bit careless with the second birth.

however are you sure it was malicious? Could he have just been really caught up in the moment and emotional? or is he like this in many aspects of the relationship?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 16/08/2023 11:29

Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!
walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately,
This is deeply troubling and very very strange. To not want to continue talking when you walk in, he's creating secrets, pushing the idea we shouldn't even let mum hear, which really isn't ok, it's creepy, there is something very wrong about his behaviour. It's been normalised for you maybe, but it's not normal at all.

Sherrycat · 16/08/2023 11:29

My stomach turned reading the latest updates. I’d be keeping a close eye on them. Even if he’s not grooming her, he’s up to something. He doesn’t respect you op & it sounds like he may be turning dd1 against you too. I’d be hiding a voice activated listening device where they have these little secret chats.

AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 11:30

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 11:13

Thank you all for the comments, they have helped me see things more clearly. I do not have any concern that my husband is sexually abusing my daughters. I do not believve he is excluding me for any nefarious reasons. It is more that he wants to maintain control of the situation and cannnot focus his attention on more than one person at once. My husband has 2 siblings and comes from a family in which they have a similar pattern of only being able to cope with one child at a time. So much so, that in the past 15 years, there have only been 2 occasions in which they have all met together as a family, they meet eachother frequently, but prefer to meet up separately. This is not my idea of family life at all.

OP, him wanting to maintain control of the situation is nefarious. It's your family too. There are some messed up dynamics here.

Iwasafool · 16/08/2023 11:30

I think now is the issue really. The first time you were groggy and a bit out of it, the 2nd time he thought the CS would impact. I can understand both of those but the divide and conquer now is what you need to deal with. I think that maybe dwelling on what happened years ago is stopping you addressing what is actually happening.

monsteramunch · 16/08/2023 11:30

Moroccanqueen · 16/08/2023 11:27

I’m clearly in the minority here but I really don’t see an issue with him doing skin to skin although I do agree that if you expressed your feelings then he should have listened to you though so was definitely a-bit careless with the second birth.

however are you sure it was malicious? Could he have just been really caught up in the moment and emotional? or is he like this in many aspects of the relationship?

Please RTFT - it's really easy to read all of an OP's posts even if you don't want to read everyone else's. On the desktop click 'see all' on the bottom right of an OP's posts and on the app select the OP's username from the dropdown that looks like a funnel on the top right of a thread.

OP's situation is deeply concerning and a much bigger issue than the skin to skin one specifically. Her husband sounds like he is deeply damaging their children with parental alienation and a divide and conquer style at absolute best.