Page 3 | To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 2023-08-16T08:15:14+00:00

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour. I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born. These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted! I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births. Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

MonsterCalling · 16/08/2023 10:27

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

This is so deeply weird OP. You need to talk to someone in real life about this.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:27

Okay, I've never heard of men doing this before - is it common practice? The whole idea skeeves me out, it sounds like what fetishist men do.

Aside from that, once was bad enough, twice is way over the line.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 10:29

Oh my god. I felt so sad reading this. Both of my births DH pushed the mw put the baby immediately on me as he had read it was good for both mum and baby. He then worked his socks off to ensure we could do this as often as possible I sometimes spent days in bed with dc doing skin to skin and he would literally only take the babies for nappy changes and bath times.

Is your DH selfish in other ways?

loldollz · 16/08/2023 10:29

Yuck, your update makes him sound like a groomer.

I don't mean sexually specifically before everyone jumps on me. But grooming your eldest to have a special relationship with him and exclude others. It's creepy and yuck.

BrutusMcDogface · 16/08/2023 10:29

He’s an absolute raving selfish dick head of the highest order. How fucking dare he?! Walking towards the midwife, shirt unbuttoned?! This makes me so angry!

I’ve had four babies, one of them c section. Because of the first three deliveries, where baby had been put right on my chest immediately, the c section felt so odd to me and I didn’t feel happy or relaxed while they were doing checks etc until they’d put my baby on me. I’m glad the midwife did the right thing for your second.

if there are other examples of him putting his own selfish desires before yours, then you deserve so much better than that!!

SunWorshipping · 16/08/2023 10:29

First time maybe he didn't realise, second time he was being a dick, thank goodness the midwife side stepped him!

I find it weird when men do the shirt unbuttoned thing anyway, the whole idea is to bond with the mum and establish breastfeeding, men sat there with their hairy chests out like they just birthed a human 🤣. I got the first hold with my first 2, had them placed on me as soon as they were out. Third child was a forceps birth in theatre and he was a bit slow to breathe so they whisked him away to the table thing, once he was OK my husband held him for about a minute (no chest out!!) before placing him on me, I fed etc for half an hour or so but the placenta was stuck so my husband took him back whilst they sorted that. He did say it was nice he got 1st hold with our third, I didn't mind though, it was just circumstances rather than his doing that meant it happened. If I'd had a normal birth he'd have done like he did with our first 2, wait until I needed to get up before he held them. There's no need for men to have that immediate hold, none!! I've breastfed all 3 of my children for 2+ years, feeding was established pretty much immediately with all of them, the whole point in skin to skin!

Danielle9891 · 16/08/2023 10:30

I could forgive the 1st one. I was to out of it that it was probably best my partner held her while I got stitches and recovered. But the second time he must have done that on purpose and pre-planned it. Does he normally ignore your wishes? You did make it clear that you wanted skin to skin.

Side note I thought the skin to skin was good for mam and baby as it helps calm the baby down and helps the uterus contract which helps stop the bleeding. Are there many benefits for the father apart from bonding? My partner had his top on the whole time I think but I never knew about skin to skin at the time.

goodmorningmidnight · 16/08/2023 10:31

Your update has made me feel a bit ill. That really isn’t normal.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:31

OP, after reading your update, I wouldn't be surprised if he's looking to exclude you completely and take the children away.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 10:31

Hamiltondoesnthesitate · 16/08/2023 10:26

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

This is deeply worrying. Sorry to say this but have you considered, do you suspect, he might be grooming / sexually abusing your DD? This post rings alarm bells.

CantFindTheBeat · 16/08/2023 10:31

Oh, OP.

You need help with this. This is not a good situation for you or your girls, as I'm sure you know,

He does sound so manipulative.

Do you have anyone to talk to, support you, and help you figure out a way to get out of this?

BrutusMcDogface · 16/08/2023 10:32

I missed your update. Leave him and take your two girls with you. He is not a nice man.

LLMS2022 · 16/08/2023 10:33

I know I've missed the point entirely but I'm confused as to how your husband was able to unbutton his shirt in an operating theatre? Surely he was wearing scrubs

Summerrainagain1 · 16/08/2023 10:33

I was ready to say YABU on the first one, you had a cuddle, he asked for one, you didn't ask for her back, fathers are encouraged to do skin to skin too, fair enough. But yeah, agree that the second one tips the balance as your partner expressly tried to go against your wishes. It sounds like there is more to it too, not just these two incidents.

lavenderdilly · 16/08/2023 10:34

Obviously can only go on the information provided, but your husband sounds like and absolute psycho.

PurpleButterflyWings · 16/08/2023 10:34

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SiousieSoo · 16/08/2023 10:34

I agree your update is very unsettling. What he is doing is damaging and not normal. Please do seek help, speak to your GP in confidence. Your feelings about the births have not gone away because you are living with this horrible man and his horrible behaviours. Your gut is telling you something is not right, please listen to it.

Thatcat · 16/08/2023 10:35

YANBU, fair enough if he mistakenly thought he was doing right first time. But second time after you explain: nah, he entitled fool. And vindictive to do that when you’re particularly vulnerable. Fair play to that midwife. 🙄Honestly, some (most) men… smh.

babydungarees · 16/08/2023 10:36

Your husband is gross & puts his own needs / wants above yours or your daughters. Do you want to stay married to him? Is this something you think he can work on and improve? Skin to skin with dad is nonsense, it’s just a way to make them feel included (encroach upon) mum & babies special time. I’m a midwife and the amount of pressure were under to “fully involve” dads in things really annoys me. Let women have their special day for goodness sake! Why can they not accept a supporting role and realise their primary focus is to look after their partner & newborn, not to get their hairy chests out or walk around postnatal wards with bare feet and just in their pants (but that’s a whole different rant for a different day…)

BringMeTea · 16/08/2023 10:36

OP your update is VERY concerning. Your dh is a weirdo and his behaviour is shocking. You are under-reacting. No wonder the birth stuff is still on your mind. I would leave this man. Truly. Before your girls are old enough to decide to live with him (because he is certainly manipulating your oldest). Good luck.

AuntieJune · 16/08/2023 10:37

He sounds horrible and as if he just used you as a human pod for the child he wanted. Does he show you love and care? What do you get from the relationship?

I can see why the skin to skin is a big issue if he keeps bringing it up and saying it's why he has particular relationships with the kids now. I don't think it's that he had skin to skin, but he did it without any reference to your wishes at the time, which shows a fundamental lack of respect.

I had a long labour and EMCS, I was too shaky to hold DC for more than a few seconds so DH did skin to skin until I got settled - didn't bother me as he was responding to my needs and DC needs and not making it all about him, he sat near me so I could see them etc.

His thing about you leaving the room before they can play is psychopathic.

Is he controlling in other ways? Are you in a financial position to leave him? I imagine you'd feel an ocean of relief not to have this creepy man in your life any more.

BrutusMcDogface · 16/08/2023 10:37

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Have you seen the OP’s update?

Tantaijin · 16/08/2023 10:37

Predatory. Sounds so similar to the set up I survived (CSA)

So he discards your second daughter because he didn’t get to have his way with her when she was born?

It is so wrong. For him to only want to be on his own with the child without you involved. For him to be so focused on the child only being close to him.

Stay vigilant op, and make sure your daughters get an early sex education so they can understand and verbalise when something is wrong. You need to protect them and make sure they know that you are there to listen and make sure he doesn’t sabotage your relationship with your eldest daughter.

If it is as I fear then he will try to come between you and make it a you vs her situation.

Catsmere · 16/08/2023 10:38

Tantaijin · 16/08/2023 10:37

Predatory. Sounds so similar to the set up I survived (CSA)

So he discards your second daughter because he didn’t get to have his way with her when she was born?

It is so wrong. For him to only want to be on his own with the child without you involved. For him to be so focused on the child only being close to him.

Stay vigilant op, and make sure your daughters get an early sex education so they can understand and verbalise when something is wrong. You need to protect them and make sure they know that you are there to listen and make sure he doesn’t sabotage your relationship with your eldest daughter.

If it is as I fear then he will try to come between you and make it a you vs her situation.

This. He absolutely sounds predatory.

JudgeRudy · 16/08/2023 10:39

I think the first time is 'unforgiveable'. I imagine he had no idea you were so upset. This time he knew. You discussed how you wanted things to go and you agreed on a plan. You were relying on your OH to advocate/carry this through if you were too vulnerable to manage on your own.
He let you down! It's not so important whether he got the skin on skin time, what's important is that when you were at your most vulnerable (incapacitated with a fkn hole in your body) he put his own needs before yours. Whether he made a conscious decision to do this or whether he was just impulsive only you can guess. The second is unfortunate and could be part of the package of eg having a partner with ADHD....the first is cause for concern. I'd find it hard to trust him after that. A little piece of our love would die. Add physical recovery, childcare and reduced sexual intimacy this could spell the beginning of the end. I don't think you're over reacting.
I am of course delighted you got that precious first moment.