To be annoyed my husband stole skin to skin time

[Hamiltondoesnthesitate]

I’m probably being unreasonable, and happy to be told I am. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of resentment that when our first daughter was born 5 years ago (yes, I have been known to bear a grudge!) my husband had most of the first 1hr of skin to skin time. I was a bit out of it on gas and air, but essentially I delivered our daughter and she was given to me by the midwife, I think I held her for about 5mins and then the midwives weighed/examined her. The midwife went to pass my daughter back to me but my husband intercepted and asked to hold her, he then sat away from me, unbuttoned his shirt and did skin to skin for about an hour.

I was still quite groggy from the gas and air, so didn’t really ask for her back until an hour or so, but I feel he should have at least offered to bring her to me or sat next to me, rather than sit far away in a corner with her?! I didn’t attempt to breastfeed until an hour after she was born, I struggled a bit and couldn’t get her to latch on until a few days after she was born.

These feelings were stirred up again when I had our second daughter. Before she was born, I explained to my husband that I wanted to have skin to skin immediately after the birth for 30mins and also attempt to get her to latch on in that time. I said I was happy for him to hold her in that time, but not to take her to the other side of the room for an hour like last time! Anyway I ended up having an emergency c-section. The doctor took the baby to be checked over immediately after delivery. As they were removing the placenta, I noticed my husband start to unbutton his shirt. The midwife picked up the baby and started walking towards me, my husband, shirt unbuttoned, stood in her way with outstretched arms as if to take the baby! The midwife ignored him and placed the baby on my chest, and she stayed there until they had sewn me up etc, she was even able to latch on. But I have a niggling resentment that my husband intended to disregard my wishes, and just do what he wanted!

I know I should be/am grateful for 2 healthy daughters. I just feel that my husband intentionally wants to cut me out/not include me in many ways - but it started at day 1 from each of their births.

Sorry that was long, thank you if you reached the end!

Have you been feeling like this since the first birth or is it more recent? Are there other moments in family life since then where he has been selfish and put himself first? Some men don't like being back of the queue, and it sounds like you have maybe been building resentment over the years and focussing on this incident.

Remind yourself that you got to hold the baby second time round, you were in control so that's positive.

First time - ok, maybe he didn't realise what he did.

Second time - after you've spoken to him and specifically raised the issue - wow! I couldn't forgive that either.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to still be upset about that. The time after birth is hugely vulnerable, your body is exhausted and your hormones are all over the place. Your body needs your baby and your baby needs to be close to you. It’s biology. I think it’s actually quite traumatic to be deprived of skin to skin with your newborn baby on both a biological and emotional level. And especially as he tried to do it a second time, I can 100% understand and I think I would feel the same way in your situation.

have you called him out on it? what does he have to say?

YANBU about the first time, that was selfish of him.

With the second, did he realise that you could hold the baby on the table, and that you wanted to? I opted not to hold either of mine on the table as I didn't feel safe, I could see how a man who hasn't been in that scenario before would think you couldn't do it, especially if things were a bit rushed.

The first time I can understand- the second he tried to deliberately prevent your wishes.

That's cuntsish behaviour. You have a bad DH.

Maybe he didn't think that you holding her was an option with baby 2, and he was just springing into action again. Ask him.

I had a general and just felt grateful that dp was there to take over.

Dc2 I was ill after the birth and for 2 days he had her 100% of the time and was feeding her etc. What can you do???

To do it a second time after you explained the need for you to hold your baby, this would be hard to get past.

Have you spoke to him about it. I wouldn't be thrilled if my oh done that to me. I started breast feeding all my children as after giving birth and midwife's encouraged it.

I was going to write this pretty much word for word. Hugs OP.

Exactly. Midwives are primarily there to care for the mothers. However, there are days and days in the 5 years that followed the birth for both parents to bond, it shouldn't be dwelt on.

Something about this is really unsettling and weird. I can see why you held onto this for so long after your first birth. It just says so much that he tried to mimic your position by unbuttoning his shirt both times. Skin to skin time I thought was relevant to the mother as it invokes important hormones to stimulate breastfeeding and a connection. They are your babies you carried and you should have been front and centre of this. He has deprived you of something very primal and important to indulge his own weird sense of entitlement. It is honestly a bit strange and icky. I am sorry but I think you need to sit back and think carefully about who he is as I cannot see this is an isolated instance of his selfishness.

That is really awful. He behaved in a calculating manner especially the second time, you could explain away the first birth with him not understanding. Although purposely sitting away from you tells me he knew exactly what he was doing.

My DH sat close to us and only took DC when I asked to go shower after giving birth and I wanted him to do skin to skin with DC whilst I showered. Till then she was snuggled with me for an hour or so latching on and just quietly lying on me.

m your husband doesn’t sound like he cares about you or your children above his own wants.

I often think men get a tough deal on MN, but I think this is disgraceful, you need to discuss this with him and what his intention was?

Jesus you’ve carried and birthed the baby, they’re yours for the first time and his time comes second.

He's selfish, men are inherently so, though the more aware of them make an effort not to be. But deep down, men have 'ruled' over women for centuries because they are self-absorbed creatures and prioritise 'the self'.

OP count your blessings he can't breastfeed can you imagine you won't get a look in.

Wow.

Like others, I was going to say '5 years is a long time to steam, OP', but your second part is shocking.

How is life with him in general?

Does he believe he is a better parent than you generally, op? This smacks of narcissism and him thinking he is better than you in every way.

Not the same but my mother (we're no contact now) did stuff like this (not in the delivery room no way would she be anywhere near that) when my first was born and it was just horrible, undermining and smacked of her elbowing me out of the way because she considered me inferior.

I really sympathise, op.

I believe that people show us their true character through their seemingly insignificant behaviours. Baby1 could have been an accident, baby 2 after deliberately discussing it no absolutely no way. He could have had any other time but that hour is for the mum.

Obviously unless there's a legitimate need to be separated which has been showed to induce trauma so many times.

Now that is bizarre and the fact the midwife ignored your husband makes me wonder whether she could see he was a bit controlling or dismissive of you; I wonder if she could sense something.

I hate to agree with this but I think it's true.

I used to provide psychological support sessions in my old job for a range of people. Sessions with women they would always focus on other people's feelings and needs. Men never did this, it was always about their own wants and needs.

There must be a huge backstory here because there’s nothing inherently wrong with the father having the initial period of skin-to-skin. I missed out after both of my births. DH had to take DC1 because I was being stitched up in theatre after a very large episiotomy. DC2 didn’t get any skin-to-skin as he was taken straight to NICU and I wish he had had that from DH if not from me. I fear this is only the tip of the iceberg for OP.

Random question, op, does he usually wear button down shirts or had he put them on specifically for the deliveries?

The second birth was a few years ago (don't want to be too specific as I know people on here IRL, and don't want to out myself). I did question him at the time, and he said that the reason he tried to have skin to skin the second time was because he thought I wouldn't be able to hold the baby after the emergency c-section. He has a very close relationship with our eldest daughter, to the point I feel he is purposefully trying to exclude me. He attributes this closeness to the initial skin to skin bonding they shared when she was first born. In reality he was much less busy with work at that time and was able to work part time and care for her 50/50 in her first 2 years. That's likely why they are close. He didnt have this opportunity with our secoond daughter, consequently he is not as close her. Whenever she misbehaves/doesn't listen, he will say she is doing X or Y to him because he was denied skin to skin when she was first born, so he's not as close to her now!

For those asking how he excludes me, it's hard to verbalise, and I sound unreasonable and silly with these complaints. But it can be tiny things like walking very far ahead of me with our eldest, and not stopping to wait for me/our youngest when we (very rarely) go out as a family, or stopping conversations/playing when I walk into a room and saying "we will wait for mummy to leave before we continue talking/playing". Put really simplistically, my husband's idea of family life is that either he or I spend time with the kids separately, but he does not want all 4 of us to be engaged in an activity at the same time - he finds it stressful and overwhelming. Ideally he would prefer all activities with just him and one of the children.

You carried them for 9 months then gave birth to them both. I would absolutely insist on being able to hold them for as long as I liked!! You earned that right.

YANBU and that is very annoying. But in a small way it is nice that DH wants to be involved, many men don't give a damn.