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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 16/08/2023 00:57

His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

That is utterly bizarre. Does he often behave like that? Did you just leave it there and not turn the lights back on and ask wtf?

Vgbeat · 16/08/2023 00:57

You don't need his permission. Get the allotment and enjoy it. Tell him it's nome of his business or else he can't continue to be a man child

Booklover40 · 16/08/2023 01:00

Erm..and your response was “and why the fuck do you think you have any right to tell me what to do you selfish wazzocking bellend”?

Right??

GrimDamnFanjo · 16/08/2023 01:00

Get the allotment. He sounds so wrapped up in his own stuff I bet he won't even notice!

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:00

I know I don't need his permission and I will be taking the allotment - my point is that I am baffled by his lack of awareness of how unfair he's being.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 01:01

Sue he sounds like an idiot but why would it matter just be happy with the allotment, he does not need to be happy nor have an opinion on it

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 16/08/2023 01:02

I hope you're going to ignore his allotment veto. I'm sorry but your relationship sounds totally one sided and he's just using you.

NotMyDayJob · 16/08/2023 01:03

Ho sounds dreadful. You've only been married a year, it won't get better. Do you want children?

Sisterthesame · 16/08/2023 01:05

He sounds bloody dire and he is aware he just doesn’t care.

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:05

NotMyDayJob · 16/08/2023 01:03

Ho sounds dreadful. You've only been married a year, it won't get better. Do you want children?

I'm 50 and have grown up kids. We've been together yonks, just only married in the last 2 years.

He's a good guy, but can just be knee-jerk sometimes. It's frustrating. I just don't see what the issue is with a bloody allotment.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 16/08/2023 01:05

take the allotment
get rid of the selfish self indulgent husband, let him support himself and his hobby.

WomanHereHear · 16/08/2023 01:08

Huh? Why are you pissed off? If my Dh spoke to me like that (which he wouldn’t) I would just laugh at him.

sounds like my not very nice father when I was younger and living with him. He said I couldn’t do a thing I asked permission for, a very reasonable thing, he just said no, no explanation no nothing. It did piss me off until I decided I was going to do it anyway and went behind his back and did it.

whereas you’re an adult, and he’s your Dh not your dad, I would have just laughed at him and assume he just found it amusing. You would only be pissed off if you needed his permission ie he was stopping you or has an influence in a way that makes you think twice and you end up not doing it. Like coercive control. He must be used to getting his way all the time and you just bowing down if he thinks he can get away with having such an attitude. The fact that you did not even reply to him and say “ha ha yeah good one” I wouldn’t be having kids with him.

MoonsHaunted · 16/08/2023 01:08

What is his reason for not wanting you to have it?

Sisterthesame · 16/08/2023 01:09

With your update, who bought what assets to the table? Please don’t say you bought loads more.

CrazyFrogDingDing · 16/08/2023 01:09

What do you mean, you're not having an allotment? Who does he think he is, your father?
Not only would I have the allotment, but I'd also have some shiny new gardening gear to go with it and I'd be there every evening while he makes his own tea! No discussion.
Cheeky bastard.

NotMyDayJob · 16/08/2023 01:10

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:05

I'm 50 and have grown up kids. We've been together yonks, just only married in the last 2 years.

He's a good guy, but can just be knee-jerk sometimes. It's frustrating. I just don't see what the issue is with a bloody allotment.

Show quote history

Well that's good.

The issue is he doesn't want you to have anything. Or he doesn't care about you. Not sure what is worse.

WomanHereHear · 16/08/2023 01:10

CrazyFrogDingDing · 16/08/2023 01:09

What do you mean, you're not having an allotment? Who does he think he is, your father?
Not only would I have the allotment, but I'd also have some shiny new gardening gear to go with it and I'd be there every evening while he makes his own tea! No discussion.
Cheeky bastard.

Yep this. Every damn evening.

OytheBumbler · 16/08/2023 01:11

I have one a bit like this. His first reaction to anything new is no. I just blithely continue with whatever it is I want and he eventually comes around.
I'm nosey about your husbands new hobby that's turned into a job though. Is it something you can get involved in as well?

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:14

@OytheBumbler haha god no, not my thing at all!

OP posts:
AngryBirdsNoMore · 16/08/2023 01:16

Sounds like maybe he’s a reservist or something….?

Any idea of his reasoning for the reaction? It seems totally bizarre!

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 01:17

I'd say "excuse me? Did ask for your permission?" The id take the allotment and meet myself a nice hunky gardener 😉

Keyworks · 16/08/2023 01:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Scylax · 16/08/2023 01:22

Of course you’re upset! But when you’re both calm and can talk without friction do check whether he actually has a good reason to be concerned

Iwouldlikesomecake · 16/08/2023 01:25

I reckon he’s taken up acting.

he’s being very unfair.

AutumnalPumpkin · 16/08/2023 01:26

It is strange, was it said in a serious manner?
I'm glad you're going ahead with having the plot anyway though. I hope you get as much out of it as your husband does with his hobby.
Which by the way... I am super intrigued about!!😆

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