Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Solonge · 17/08/2023 19:39

Oooh I think you need to tell him exactly what is what and if he can give up his job, reduce the family income, disappear for weekends and entire weeks then you can get an allotment or indeed several allotments and he can go and diddle! What a misogynistic arse! He is not your boss! Does he have form for this?

Darlingx · 17/08/2023 19:49

My Partner is the same I actually thought u were me at first 🙈He is more subtle though he just says negative blocking things about my interests which I have pointed out. As in it will be raining should u bother you’ll be tired etc whereas for his there is no hurdles all his mental energy and resources for his Hobby that he wants as a career but he hasn’t made any money and poured thousands in so does his mother in support meanwhile things are falling apart at home. It’s frustrating but he is more empathic and caring then any man previous but just become obsessed with achieving his goals . I feel its perhaps a form of midlife identity crisis we are both going through ???

Missingpop · 17/08/2023 19:59

Sorry but not at all sorry but I’d wake the miserable fucking idiot up & have it out with him giving him a few home truths & at the end of the day we live in the 21st century you don’t need the fucking knob jockeys permission to have an allotment do it for yourself.

FofB · 17/08/2023 20:05

We have an allotment and a garden. We grow a load of veg/fruit in the summer and I am currently making summer berry jam for winter. Go for it, OP, you won't regret it. We are toying with trying to grow our own Christmas Dinner next year.

BaconChops · 17/08/2023 20:48

I’d tell him to fuck right off as it’s not his decision!

ScotsGirl48 · 17/08/2023 21:01

The cheek of the man so it’s alright for him to completely change your way of life for his hobby (doesn’t matter whether you support him in it or not) but your not allowed to have your own little slice of happiness? Aye right I know what I would be saying to my partner & that is F**k right off just remember who is paying for your hobby oh no actually I’m paying for everything,& if you want me to continue paying I will be taking the allotment & you wont say a word & if that still doesn’t suit you don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you😂then say goodnight don’t forget to put the light out

timesaretight · 17/08/2023 21:14

Is he having an affair?

samqueens · 17/08/2023 21:43

Get the allotment.

DON’T get pregnant.

Consider your relationship while gardening… Maybe (discreetly) download and read Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That?

Get a divorce…?!

SkySecret · 17/08/2023 21:49

RAF Reserves? Given OP is 50, the only one out of army, navy and RAF that takes people over 43 is RAF, looked into it myself a while back and it did look good!!

glad you’ve sorted it OP, but for him to even have that reaction in the first place is horribly selfish and controlling

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 17/08/2023 22:03

I’d be upset too. You’ve been giving so much. Seems as though he isn’t being as generous with you. I’m glad you’re still taking the allotment. Good for you. I’d do the bloody same.

angelfacecuti75 · 17/08/2023 22:39

My response would be "then you don't get to your hobby or go away , or drag me halfway across the world just so you can pursue your dream, then? End of story.
His response "but, but , but...."
My response "my point exactly, I am getting the effing allotment , end of effing story...."

Keyworks · 17/08/2023 22:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ALongHardWinter · 18/08/2023 05:29

What a selfish bastard.

ElizaAgainn · 18/08/2023 06:18

How wierd! Obviously - go ahead and have your allotment. Is he planning to be awkward further on and not eat the produce from it? Serious question - and, in your position, I'd simply not tell him that the produce he was just about to eat was from the allotment (rather than the supermarket). I'm guessing it's not the allotment per se he's objecting to - but the people he envisages you'll meet there. I'd hazard a guess he doesn't want you meeting new potential friends and that's probably the source of his objection. Tough - go ahead and get your produce and make any new friends you make from it. To me - forewarned is forearmed and I'd say it's helpful to think through how you are going to deal with him having any subsequent objections - whether it's to that produce or to the new friends you'll hopefully make. But - most defo - go ahead! Maybe have some figures lined-up (in case he gets really awkward) about just how much extra nourishment there is in fresh/organically-grown food than whatever conventionally-grown and rather older supermarket produce you'd otherwise have.

Birdy8 · 18/08/2023 08:15

Really odd response, you must have seen some similar behaviour before as you say you've been together for "Yonks". After all the support you've given him he sounds ungrateful and more than a tad insecure, maybe he's worried you'll meet someone new on the allotment when he's away for weeks on end??? Looks like you'll need a conversation to get to the bottom of this...Enjoy your new hobby regardless!

Shona52 · 18/08/2023 08:24

I would just go ahead and get the plot.

Ineke · 18/08/2023 08:43

Well , you will be needing to support him with his drop in salary by growing your own veg won’t you, so in a round about way, your allotment is for his benefit so he can go off and feel good about himself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/08/2023 09:06

So you are financially supporting him so that he can do whatever hobby it is he wants and he is stopping you from having a fucking allotment?

You're 50 years old. In your position, I would dump his arse and save the money for your own retirement. And I would take the allotment! And yes, I would dump him for this because he is completely selfish and costing you a fortune

H007 · 18/08/2023 10:03

My DH is what I refer to as a “No’er”, this means that whatever he is asked he will often say No to with no rhyme or reason. He has no idea why he does this and wonders if it relates to his childhood. Sometimes it takes him seconds to say something like “I don’t know why I said that….”. Other times it’s after further information. We laugh about it and call him the No’er.

Fiddleyflop · 18/08/2023 10:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 18/08/2023 10:39

Long term = 100% divorce.

H007 · 18/08/2023 11:02

@Fiddleyflop not really, it’s funny because we all recognise that’s what he like.

ellyeth · 18/08/2023 11:18

What is his objection? Whatever it is, if he can swan off and do what he wants then so can you.

KatGirl007 · 18/08/2023 13:30

I would go ahead and get the allotment if you can still afford it. Make sure your finances can handle it. I've been married 40 years this October. It is all about give and take and since you don't have young children I would say both of you go for it if you can handle both financially.

Mrsgreen100 · 18/08/2023 15:04

I would get the allotment and another hobby to !
what a selfish bloke
actually fascinates me what he does when away , that makes him uncontactable , even pot holes have to come up to sleep !