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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/08/2023 07:14

I don’t understand why you’d lie there simmering instead of responding.

I’d have immediately asked him why the fuck he thought he could tell me what I could or couldn’t do, especially when I’d enabled his hobby and new job.

MelroseGrainger · 16/08/2023 07:14

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:44

@Commonhousewitch I am on board with what he's chosen to do - can you elaborate on where in my posts I've suggested I'm not? I want things to be fair, though!

@StartupRepair he does acknowledge the impact on me, yeah. We've discussed all the implications a lot and he's always said that if I have an issue he'll stop. I honestly don't have a problem with it, but I am pissed off that I've been so accommodating and yet as soon as I have something I want to do...

Honestly? It sounds like you are actually a bit resentful of his hobby, and that you want a justifiable reason to be angry it him. That’s why you’re wallowing in anger at his throw away remark rather than actually engaging with him about it.

To be clear, it sounds like you’ve been a stellar partner is supporting and encouraging something he loves, and you’ve made personal changes to help him. You’ve been lovely, and supportive. But that doesn’t mean that deep down you might be a bit resentful of the impact. Even just a tiny bit. And that’s ok too.

so I think that’s why you haven’t actually asked him what he meant, or spoken to him about the remark (a crap and rude one by the way). Because you want a reason to vent the negative feelings you’ve been having for a while about his hobby. You’ve made a bogeyman and it’s helping you to vent your feelings at it.

the only thing you can do is talk to him, not us. Maybe he meant it, or maybe you misheard. Maybe he was joking, or maybe he has another reason to have said it. Or maybe he’s just a selfish unaware part. But you can only deal with it by dealing with him, and being really honest about your own feelings.

good luck OP! Have a fab time on your allotment.

vdbfamily · 16/08/2023 07:15

I agree that getting annoyed without asking his reasons is a bit pointless and cannot understand why you would have not immediately asked that.
Do you have a large garden already that you struggle to keep under control? We do and my DH would think I had lost the plot if I started talking about an allotment. Genuinely cannot think of any other rationale unless he hates vegetables!!

LetItGoHome · 16/08/2023 07:18

I bet his hobby is poker!

I'm interested to hear his explanation this morning. I wonder if he was just taken by surprise last night.

Eddielizzard · 16/08/2023 07:19

He is being utterly outrageous. He'd better have a good reason...

M103 · 16/08/2023 07:20

50 with grown up kids? Definitely get your allotment!

MustardCress · 16/08/2023 07:21

What an absolute selfish, controlling fucker.

supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so)

I think this is part of the problem (the main being being his selfishness). Nothing should be unconditional. That’s madness. He needs to consider the impact on you/ your relationship and accept that all choices have consequences, and you shouldn’t be absolving him of those consequences.

He enjoys abusing your good nature for his own benefit so he doesn’t want you to use up any time or energy on things that don’t directly benefit or facilitate him, while also being acutely aware that this might be an opportunity for you to have your eyes opened and break away from him as you talk with other people, become more independent and reflect upon how other people live and behave. I expect he will be particularly paranoid that you will meet a man that will want to treat you better than he does, which wouldn’t be difficult by the sounds of it.

So yeah, what others said about the little wife at home. He’s seeing you as a resource he uses and controls, not a person OP Flowers

CrazyArmadilloLady · 16/08/2023 07:21

I mean….

This is so weird.

Does he normally do stuff like this? Forbid you from doing innocuous things that impact on him in no way?

If he does, then you know what he’s like - you put up with it, why are you surprised that he’s just doing what he does?

If he doesn’t normally do stuff like this, why are you stewing on here, instead of talking to him, and trying to find out what’s really going on?

Confused
Gettingbysomehow · 16/08/2023 07:22

You don't need his permission. Do it anyway. Sleep soundly knowing that you are in charge of your own life. Id maybe rethink supporting him while he chases butterflies.
I supported my ex for 17 years while he faffed about. I didn't get any thanks for it when he finally left for another woman.

CheekyHobson · 16/08/2023 07:24

He’s lost the plot!

Maybe that's why he doesn't want her to have one either! 😂

But seriously.

I'd wait till tomorrow and bring it up calmly. Not because his outrageous refusal deserves politeness, but because that's how you're more likely to get some kind of honest response out of him.

I'd say something like, "Yesterday when I told you about the plot I'm intending to take, you said to me 'You're not having a plot'. I'm wondering why you would say that. I've been very supportive of your hobby and I'm surprised that you seem opposed to mine. Can you explain what's going on?"

Hopefully he may have had some weird knee-jerk reaction because his ex or mum spent her entire time in an allotment or because he has a crazy idea of what it costs. But I would warn you that his answer might be quite a disappointing learning experience for you. You may find out something about his personality that you really don't like.

1967buglet · 16/08/2023 07:27

What a weird response. what, he doesn’t like home grown vegetables? Get your allotment and have fun with it.

Maray1967 · 16/08/2023 07:28

Mine would have got ‘well in that case you’re not doing your hobby’.
He wouldn’t have said it in the first place though.
What has he said to you now?

runningonberocca · 16/08/2023 07:30

What a cock! He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. This would make me furious. Take the allotment- hope you spend many happy hours there!

Sausagedogmum · 16/08/2023 07:32

See I would have turned the lights back on and said I’m not asking you, I’m telling you Im getting that allotment!

Bloody nerve of the man!

Enjoy your allotment. What type of things are you looking to grow (just out of curiosity).

hettie · 16/08/2023 07:35

Forgot for a moment the content (allotment) and think about the language. He gave you a command! "you are not ...."If DH did that if think he'd had a bang on the head or had been consumed by the Andrew Tate cult and divorce him.I
is that how he speaks to you? That's just so outrageous, but if not normal you need to understand why. And also why are you supporting a drop n in income mid life crisis hobby. How has this man got to his age without finding his own value and self esteem and thus not needing some new "hobby" that he has to prove himself in/go professional. Did he spend his 20's and 30's being some emotionally illiterate manchild?

Worriedatwork1 · 16/08/2023 07:37

That sounds completely ridiculous (him not you) - hope you enjoy your allotment and spend plenty of time there when he is home to give him a taste of his own medicine!

Zanatdy · 16/08/2023 07:41

Wow, I’d be having a big conversation with him tonight to say how much his hobby impacts on your relationship and how supportive you’ve been, and this is what you get in return? He’d be getting it from both barrels

airforsharon · 16/08/2023 07:44

Your immediate response should've been "why on earth do you say that?!" and then - hopefully - he'd have expanded on it and you'd know, rather than being left guessing. But i understand how such a bizarre comment could've stunned you into silence - your apparently decent DH turned Victorian Dad.

None of his business, is it? You're as entitled to hobbies/down time as he is.

When he's home does he expect you to give him your full attention? That would be the only reason i can think of for him objecting, as allotmenting can be pretty full on at certain times of the year.

But whatever, stuff him 😄 Take your up your offered allotment and ENJOY

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 16/08/2023 07:45

OP, of course YANBU. This is twat behaviour.

Jk987 · 16/08/2023 07:45

'He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.'

I can't believe you supported without question? You we're entitled to be concerned at this you know b

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 07:46

my first reaction would have been: fuck you
my second reaction would have been to switch on the lights and have the discussion there and then.
And depending on his reaction? i would be seriously reconsidering my future with this man.

You deserve better than this.

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 16/08/2023 07:46

Another mystery top secret hobby.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/08/2023 07:46

Did you just lie there and not ask him why? That's the bit of this I find most disturbing as the normal response would be an immediate 'why not?' One doesn't fall asleep immediately so that means you just lay there while he barked his order at you and you didn't immediately either laugh at him or ask him what the hell he was on about!

MiniCooperLover · 16/08/2023 07:47

Is it a snobby thing, his 'refusal' of you having one, not that he bloody can?

Paq · 16/08/2023 07:48

Well he's an arse but give him a chance to explain.

Fascinated to know what the hobby is.