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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Ihatemystreet · 16/08/2023 06:17

I'm struggling to think of a hobby that would require anyone to be away from home for several weeks at a time.
If such a hobby were to to become a source of income I cannot help but think your husband is a youtubet or other social media thingy. Is it campervans, bush craft, that kind of thing.

AuntieEsther · 16/08/2023 06:25

Why on earth didn't you have the conversation with him? You just let him trot off to bed after saying such a stupid and unkind thing?
What do you think his reason is?
I think you've been a mug way too accommodating of his 'hobby' and he's taking you hugely for granted.

SheSaidHummingbird · 16/08/2023 06:25

Is the hobby poker?

whatchagonnado · 16/08/2023 06:30

Either that or he's a musician. Male musos can get utterly obsessive about bands they're playing in ...

Beefcurtains79 · 16/08/2023 06:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictoosh · 16/08/2023 06:36

I am now very curious to know why he said that. You must ask him. Not to take the slightest notice of it of course...just to find out what his beef could possibly be.

BadNomad · 16/08/2023 06:37

It's simple really. He's selfish and self-centred. Would he give up his hobby if you said you no longer support him? Are you supporting him because you don't have a choice?

CurlewKate · 16/08/2023 06:42

You need to talk about this now. Wake him up. Obviously you'll go ahead, but you really need to find out what's going on in his head before you decide to boot him out the door.

I'll put money on music.

montecarlo7 · 16/08/2023 06:44

I'm sorry OP. This doesn't bode well. The support in your relationship doesn't go in both directions.

Medsy · 16/08/2023 06:45

I don't think you're as upset about his comment as you should be, you're focusing on the injustice of it all while the real problem is that's an incredibly domineering and controlling comment that I personally find very disturbing

Bogeyes · 16/08/2023 06:47

Has he always been a controller?

AdultFemaleMorningsider · 16/08/2023 06:50

This is completely weird, as well as piss-off-ing. Please do update after you've talked to him, or the "what was he thinking?" will haunt strangers on the internet, including me! And enjoy the allotment 😀

LunaLula83 · 16/08/2023 06:50

What was his explanation when you called him out?

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2023 06:51

Why aren't you so angry about this that you woke him up?

Be careful.

You are sleepwalking into a role as doormat, financial provider, little woman at home who does what she is told.

It's not the 1950s (with the twist that you are the main earner). Stop martyring yourself. It isn't what love is.

MadamWhiteleigh · 16/08/2023 06:51

A lot of assumptions being made from five words he uttered. I don’t understand why you didn’t immediately ask him what the fuck he is on about? Not enough information!

Circumferences · 16/08/2023 06:53

The pilot reply above makes a lot of sense 😂

Musician, I'm not sure about because I know a lot of retired people who took up music and you literally make NO money unless you're in the top 1%....

OP, please enjoy your gardening. You've wanted this allotment for two years. I'm so happy for you!

I'm currently enjoying our glut of potatoes that were planted in March. We've got so many bloody potatoes I'm digging out recipes I've never even eaten before let alone made myself! We also have tons of parsley (hello tabbouleh), purple kale, fennel root, variety parsnips, leeks, sprouts, variety cabbages, green pumpkins, red squash, tomatoes, all from seed, it's so rewarding. You can grow things you can't find in shops.

Gardening is so good for the soul, especially when you pursue kitchen gardening. You're husband has no idea what he's missing. Don't cook any of it for him will you!

Monkeylimas · 16/08/2023 06:55

I am sure if you think about it he will be selfish in other ways. It’s a very controlling comment that he thought was perfectly acceptable to say.

I wonder if he doesn’t like the idea of you not being around him when he decides to be at home. That You have your own hobby that stops him being your centre of attention and focus.

I would watch and listen carefully to him I doubt this attitude is out the blue - it’s just you may have not triggered this reaction before. I wouldn’t rug sweep on this.

Alternatively It could be a selfish mid life crisis starting to rear it’s head, new hobby job, reinventing himself. feeling like he needs to live life etc. Maybe an allotment owning wife doesn’t fit with his new persona. (I don’t know what the hobby/job is so I could be way off here but assuming music industry or theatre).

Kweeky · 16/08/2023 06:55

I could understand if he was a bit thoughtless and you'd told him your were trekking to Nepal then 6 months in India but really this is beyond reason.

An allotment - WHY would anyone veto this?

Kweeky · 16/08/2023 06:56

He likes the idea of the devoted little wife waiting at home for him to return from his special and important job.

Bluetrews25 · 16/08/2023 07:01

Yeah, he's straight out of the 1950s and wants little wifey pining for him at home so his dinner is always on the table whenever he gets back from his trainspotting jaunts with his fellow grubby-anoraked pals.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 16/08/2023 07:02

I wonder why he didn't express his views when he knew you'd joined a waiting list for an allotment 2 years ago? Weird that he waited until you'd got one to say anything.

Weirder still though is that you just went to sleep without challenging him straight away on the comment. You say you've been with him years, so why did you feel you couldn't turn the light back on and ask him to justify his comment?

Clarinet1 · 16/08/2023 07:03

I agree with more or less all the comments. At the very least, he needs to give you a reasoned argument for his problem with the allotment - after all, if he’s going to be away so much, you could practically do all the work on the allotment when he’s not around. On the other hand, I can’t help wondering whether you’re one
of those couples who got married when they should have split up. Sorry but enjoy the allotment.

SnapdragonToadflax · 16/08/2023 07:06

Well he's not your boss, so your answer is an immediate 'Haha yes of course I am' and get on with it.

But I'd be interested to know why he objects, and the reason would affect how I felt about him in future. I really sincerely dislike being told what to do, so I'm not sure I could live with someone like that.

YouJustDoYou · 16/08/2023 07:06

Lord Holier-Than-Thou can go fuck himself.

fishonabicycle · 16/08/2023 07:13

Have you asked him why he had such a negative response?