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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 16/08/2023 07:50

He doesn’t want you having a thing.

Defiantjazz · 16/08/2023 07:52

That’s really odd. Not sure what to make of it.

Patchworksack · 16/08/2023 07:55

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 01:26

Incredibly selfish and you have every right to be furious and disappointed.

Take the allotment, and use it to plant tulip bulbs in an arrangement that spells 'fuck off DH'

This.

Bonfire23 · 16/08/2023 07:58

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 07:46

my first reaction would have been: fuck you
my second reaction would have been to switch on the lights and have the discussion there and then.
And depending on his reaction? i would be seriously reconsidering my future with this man.

You deserve better than this.

Mine too but that's probably why I'm single. I would have been sorry who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

1WomanWonder · 16/08/2023 07:59

So you said Yay I got my allotment and her said you’re not having an allotment and no one said anything more? You didn’t say Why’s that then? Or hahaha very funny? That was the end of the convo? Seems odd.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 16/08/2023 07:59

I'm thinking Territorial Army.

Very bizarre response on his part and I'd be seething too. I hope you get a decent explanation today OP.

ifonly4 · 16/08/2023 07:59

I'd certainly want to know the reason for his reaction, OP. Just wondering if he either thinks it's beneath you or doesn't want you out there doing something that makes you as happy as he is with his hobby.

No matter what he says, go for it. It'll be good for your mental and physical health, also you have your life to live so don't want to spend hours at home while he's away enjoying himself. You might even make some new friends there (oh, maybe that's another reason he doesn't want you going for it), so you have company while he's away.

redfacebigdisgrace · 16/08/2023 07:59

Very strange thread. Why didn’t you just ask him what he meant? Rather then coming on here!

On the face of it, and given the background, it’s an outrageous thing to say and I would be stewing. But I would have asked him right there and then. Why didn’t you?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 08:01

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:29

But how, though?

For example, he is away this weekend. I could, theoretically, be on the allotment all weekend. It wouldn't make any difference to anything because he's not here anyway.

I just don't get how the first reaction could possibly be 'you're not doing that'. And yeah I know I should just ask him!

Show quote history

Maybe it’s about change.

he will be away doing his hobby. And you will ALSO be pursuing your hobby away from home (okay, 10 minutes), meeting new people and starting a new chapter of your life (well, that may sound a bit dramatic) without him.

that is obviously exactly what he did (although it sounds like yours will still have a much lesser impact on your life). But now he can’t think of home and everything will be just like it was but without him. Now you’re progressing and developing and finding a new space as well.

I could be completely wrong about this, it’s just a hunch.

if my hunch were to be more or less correct: having these feelings wouldn’t make him a bad person/husband etc.
but not dealing with them and simply saying no - especially when you were so incredibly supportive - is really shitty.

yanbu.

Puccini1900 · 16/08/2023 08:02

@illiterato guiding was my first thought - but the OP has said it's not a sport...

HamishTheCamel · 16/08/2023 08:05

You need to have a very serious chat with him OP. This is completely unreasonable and he needs to acknowledge that and apologise.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 08:05

Is the issue that he's worried that his servant won't be looking after the house, doing his washing, cooking his meals etc while he's away?

iloveautumn3 · 16/08/2023 08:05

Booklover40 · 16/08/2023 01:00

Erm..and your response was “and why the fuck do you think you have any right to tell me what to do you selfish wazzocking bellend”?

Right??

Love it 😁

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 08:07

MelroseGrainger · 16/08/2023 07:14

Honestly? It sounds like you are actually a bit resentful of his hobby, and that you want a justifiable reason to be angry it him. That’s why you’re wallowing in anger at his throw away remark rather than actually engaging with him about it.

To be clear, it sounds like you’ve been a stellar partner is supporting and encouraging something he loves, and you’ve made personal changes to help him. You’ve been lovely, and supportive. But that doesn’t mean that deep down you might be a bit resentful of the impact. Even just a tiny bit. And that’s ok too.

so I think that’s why you haven’t actually asked him what he meant, or spoken to him about the remark (a crap and rude one by the way). Because you want a reason to vent the negative feelings you’ve been having for a while about his hobby. You’ve made a bogeyman and it’s helping you to vent your feelings at it.

the only thing you can do is talk to him, not us. Maybe he meant it, or maybe you misheard. Maybe he was joking, or maybe he has another reason to have said it. Or maybe he’s just a selfish unaware part. But you can only deal with it by dealing with him, and being really honest about your own feelings.

good luck OP! Have a fab time on your allotment.

Show quote history

this. Good advice.

and I agree, it is okay to sometimes feel resentment. It’s also okay for the DH to have an initially negative reaction. What matters is how we deal with it. doesn’t sound like DH did deal with it or had any awareness (or considered his wife’s emotions, needs etc.) but that unfortunately happens sometimes as well…

MrFoxLovesComingToOurPlace · 16/08/2023 08:10

CrazyFrogDingDing · 16/08/2023 01:09

What do you mean, you're not having an allotment? Who does he think he is, your father?
Not only would I have the allotment, but I'd also have some shiny new gardening gear to go with it and I'd be there every evening while he makes his own tea! No discussion.
Cheeky bastard.

this

justasking111 · 16/08/2023 08:15

He's having a mid life change of plan. He can crack on with it. BUT you're entitled to work around it. @FieryCrash your expectations of this marriage are so low, it's very sad.

readbooksdrinktea · 16/08/2023 08:16

NotMyDayJob · 16/08/2023 01:10

Well that's good.

The issue is he doesn't want you to have anything. Or he doesn't care about you. Not sure what is worse.

Show quote history

This.

It's fairly clear to me from your posts that he's happy for you to hang around and literally fund his hobby but gives zero shits about your interests.

It's all about him in this marriage. He landed on his feet, didn't he?

Spywoman · 16/08/2023 08:18

coxesorangepippin · 16/08/2023 01:52

The issue with you having an allotment is that it will stop you enabling him in his endeavours

It's really that simple

This. With bells on.

He sees you as his facilitator and support person.

He's going to shut down anything that gets in the way of that.

I don't get those people who say, just get on with it. It's not just that, it's the fact that isn't equally supportive and encouraging but expects a shed load of encouragement for his endeavours. What's the point of being married to someone who doesn't care at all about things that are important to you? You do it because you love them.

My children are interested in things that leave me cold, but I show an interest because I love them. Isn't that what you do when you love someone. I'd seriously question whether this man loves you OP. Sorry. What would happen if you got ill, were bereaved, lost your job? Would he just abandon you?

Jl2014 · 16/08/2023 08:18

I genuinely don’t understand a relationship where this is deemed an appropriate response to anything. He’s not your dad and you’re not his child. Tell him to fuck off. This is ridiculous.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/08/2023 08:19

I'd sit him down and say pretty much word for word what you wrote in your OP.

Let's hope this is a knee jerk reaction from him and when you point out what you've done as a family to accommodate his hobby he'll be wholly embarrassed by his behaviour.

But regardless of what he does now, I'd be dialling back the help you give him, I'd certainly not be helping him prepare for trips, do his washing when he gets back etc, and I'd certainly be telling him he needs to put your allotment over and above his hobby for the near future outside of work.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 16/08/2023 08:20

In this house the conversation would have gone
Him: ‘you’re not having an allotment’
Me: ‘who the fuck do you think you’re talking to and what’s it got to do with you?’

Mirabai · 16/08/2023 08:21

Did you ask him why the negative knee-jerk reaction? And whether he actually expected you to pay attention to it?

StoatofDisarray · 16/08/2023 08:22

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:14

@OytheBumbler haha god no, not my thing at all!

It's cycling isn't it? It's usually cycling!

butterpuffed · 16/08/2023 08:22

His reaction was a bit odd and even odder is that you didn't question it .

Mirabai · 16/08/2023 08:23

StoatofDisarray · 16/08/2023 08:22

It's cycling isn't it? It's usually cycling!

Show quote history

Who’s going to pay for a MAMIL to cycle?

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