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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 01:26

Incredibly selfish and you have every right to be furious and disappointed.

Take the allotment, and use it to plant tulip bulbs in an arrangement that spells 'fuck off DH'

echt · 16/08/2023 01:27

I'm interested in his having changed jobs to one with lower pay and leaving you on your own more - the later being no bad thing by the sound of it. How does this affect the finances in your relationship.

He's colossal selfish BTW.

echt · 16/08/2023 01:28

Jesus. Sub-literate post. Blush

SunRainStorm · 16/08/2023 01:38

I'd be reconsidering whether I wanted to support this man for 12 months while he 'follows his dreams' frankly.

There seems to be a massive lack of reciprocity in your marriage.

CrazyFrogDingDing · 16/08/2023 01:39

Oh, and if there's a shed with the allotment, clean it out, get yourself a nice comfy chair, a radio and a camping gas stove so you can have a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake while admiring your allotment if it's raining.
Every evening while he makes his own tea.

Gymnopedie · 16/08/2023 01:46

It's frustrating. I just don't see what the issue is with a bloody allotment.

Wake him up and ask him.

Has the new interest changed him? I'm wondering if all the support you've given him has led him to think that that is now your sole purpose in life to be his cheerleader and facilitator. Disabuse him of that notion with a few choice words.

coxesorangepippin · 16/08/2023 01:52

The issue with you having an allotment is that it will stop you enabling him in his endeavours

It's really that simple

CrunchyCarrot · 16/08/2023 01:53

That's ridiculous of him OP! If he's away that much then he should be glad you have found a new hobby and are going to be expanding upon it, doubtless bringing home nice veg to eat in future - which of course now you will not share with him!

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 01:57

I’m glad you are taking the allotment. You need to think about if supporting him financially is the right thing to do. You need to know your money separate from his. It’s one thing to pay most of the rent/mortgages and bills, it’s another to pay for him to have expensive weekends away. Just something to think about.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 16/08/2023 02:01

It sounds like you don't travel round with him or get involved in his hobby, so do what you want with your life. Absolutely get the allotment. It's nothing to do with him.

Nannyplumislotsofffun · 16/08/2023 02:07

Is he around your age? Is this hobby a sport? I can’t imagine in a million years a ‘hobby’ someone can take up in their 40s/50s thats going to replace a full time income. He sounds like he’s living in a dream world. For context, my husband is a very good club runner, he’s been very good since he was a child and now at 35 often wins races etc, the most he comes back with is about £120! I can’t believe how supportive you are being of him!

Nannyplumislotsofffun · 16/08/2023 02:09

Sorry that’s 2am rocking the baby for you! Just noticed you said not a sport!

Imogensmumma · 16/08/2023 02:15

If you’re still awake stewing on this I’d be waking him - don’t care if it’s rude and asking him WTF!! And remind him you are carrying the household for his hobby !!

Grumpy101 · 16/08/2023 02:19

Wtaf is his reasoning? He's being such a dick.

Blueink · 16/08/2023 02:25

He’s lost the plot!

blackdogdays · 16/08/2023 02:26

I need to know WHY he doesn't want you to have the allotment? Seems bizarre? Confused

Can you wake him and ask him for us all?

Did you just say nothing when he said that? Was he clumsily joking?

I don't get it!

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:29

coxesorangepippin · 16/08/2023 01:52

The issue with you having an allotment is that it will stop you enabling him in his endeavours

It's really that simple

But how, though?

For example, he is away this weekend. I could, theoretically, be on the allotment all weekend. It wouldn't make any difference to anything because he's not here anyway.

I just don't get how the first reaction could possibly be 'you're not doing that'. And yeah I know I should just ask him!

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 16/08/2023 02:36

I’d wake him up. What did you mean by I’m not having an allotment? If we can decide we don’t give a shit about each other like that then I’m not supporting your hobby anymore. I’m not supporting you financially to cover it. Bills 50/50 or you can move out. If you genuinely think you can say that then I unintentionally am in a relationship with a self-centred asshole and I’m not up for it.
I’d be furious and he’d be apologising or his life would be much mcuh harder starting right now. There is no good reason for you to accept this op, do not shrug and let his attitude go just because you can get the allotment anyway. Send him out to the sofa for the foreseeable future while he thinks very hard about what he owes the relationship.

Commonhousewitch · 16/08/2023 02:38

I think you are reacting a lot to one sentence and reading a lot into it. Given it won't affect him directly or impact his hobby it may just be that he thinks its wrong for you? could he think you are taking on too much and what is currently a relaxing holiday will just become another burden.
you don't sound completely on board with his hobby - fair amount of resentment

StartupRepair · 16/08/2023 02:39

The issue is not the allotment. The issue is that he thinks he is entitled to tell you what to do.
Does he acknowledge the financial and social impact his hobby has on you? Show appreciation for your support? Or has he just found you as a sponsor of his leisure time?

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 16/08/2023 02:42

He has some nerve. I'd ask him what he means by it and if he continues to be unreasonable, ensure he starts paying his way. If it compromises his hobby, too bad!

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:44

@Commonhousewitch I am on board with what he's chosen to do - can you elaborate on where in my posts I've suggested I'm not? I want things to be fair, though!

@StartupRepair he does acknowledge the impact on me, yeah. We've discussed all the implications a lot and he's always said that if I have an issue he'll stop. I honestly don't have a problem with it, but I am pissed off that I've been so accommodating and yet as soon as I have something I want to do...

OP posts:
Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:47

He does pay his way, he'll still be covering his share of bills/mortgage etc but it is a pay cut so inevitably there will be less 'fun money' unless I cover it.

I don't pay for anything to do with his activity.

OP posts:
illiterato · 16/08/2023 02:51

Nannyplumislotsofffun · 16/08/2023 02:07

Is he around your age? Is this hobby a sport? I can’t imagine in a million years a ‘hobby’ someone can take up in their 40s/50s thats going to replace a full time income. He sounds like he’s living in a dream world. For context, my husband is a very good club runner, he’s been very good since he was a child and now at 35 often wins races etc, the most he comes back with is about £120! I can’t believe how supportive you are being of him!

Could be mountaineering/ trail running which is translating to guiding or similar?

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 16/08/2023 02:52

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:44

@Commonhousewitch I am on board with what he's chosen to do - can you elaborate on where in my posts I've suggested I'm not? I want things to be fair, though!

@StartupRepair he does acknowledge the impact on me, yeah. We've discussed all the implications a lot and he's always said that if I have an issue he'll stop. I honestly don't have a problem with it, but I am pissed off that I've been so accommodating and yet as soon as I have something I want to do...

I'd be tempted to tell him you're not happy so you'd like him to stop or cut back significantly, just to see how he responds.

But first, I want to know if he's going to hold to his 'no allotment for you!' stance. What possible objection can he have, especially with his hobby.