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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Trulywonderfulworld · 16/08/2023 02:53

How dare he tell you
you are not having an allotment…what is he, your jailer.
Do what you like, get the allotment, enjoy yourself.
He has absolutely no right to talk to you like that.

BreadInCaptivity · 16/08/2023 02:57

I'd go to bed and discuss it in the morning rather than stew on it now.

Ultimately you having this allotment doesn't impact him at all. So why the objection?

More importantly, given your support of his hobby it's a slap in the face he's "shut down" any support for you.

The correct response from him should have been "wow that's great, what are your plans for it? What are you going to grow there?" and basically demonstrate a supportive/interested and equally reciprocal response to that which he's had (ten times over) for his interest.

Of course you take the allotment regardless, but I wouldn't be shy about telling him he was bang out of order.

It's not just about the fact he thinks he gets to have a say on this, but the acknowledgment that the imbalance of respect/support is breathtaking.

DTCM · 16/08/2023 02:58

This!! Get one of those electronic lawnmowers and everything! Go all out!🤣👌

autienotnaughti · 16/08/2023 03:00

It was a selfish response. And indicates that if you wanted to do something big like what he has (involving travel etc) he would not support you in the way you have supported him.

MeOldBamboo · 16/08/2023 03:00

My exH was like this. I supported him through everything he wanted to do. His hobbies and associated clutter took over the house, attic and garage. Yet my little dream was to own a caravan and have mini adventures. No. Not allowed that. One of many drip drip drip water torture things that killed our marriage.

user1492757084 · 16/08/2023 03:01

Voice your very fair and logical opinion, like you have done so here, to your husband.

Be clear that you are disappointed that he doesn't want to support your hobby and show as much loyalty to you pursuing your passion as you have shown to him and his hobby over the years.
Ask whether he doesn't view you as an equal in your capacity to make decisions about your own leisure time.

Then I would be making sure that household chores and responsibilities were quite even.

You are not a door mat; enjoy your allotment.

MintJulia · 16/08/2023 03:01

It sounds to me like he's decided to go and do his hobby but expected you to be the little woman at home.

The thought of you also having a hobby, that takes you out into the company of other men, and gives you a life and a support network is what he doesn't like.

Personally I think it's a huge red flag that you are married after a long relationship and he almost immediately cuts his income and behaves like this. I'd be very wary that he never intends to go back to his better-paid job and plans to rely on you financially.

Be very careful OP. Take the allotment and be careful to maintain your support network.

labamba007 · 16/08/2023 03:31

I don't understand why your first sentence wasn't 'why do you say that?' Because now you're just guessing. Ask him. I'm sure his reasoning will be futile and you can argue the point.

LucyGru · 16/08/2023 03:42

The issue is not the allotment. It's not really his hobby either (is he a missionary?!)

The issue is that in that one throw-away reaction to something important to you, he minimised your thing and brushed it away as though you're not even a real person who has real wants - unlike him who is a real person with an important hobby. He didn't consider it, he didn't consider you, he just brushed it off the table and that was that. If you never brought it up again, neither would he. And that says rather a lot about how well he knows you and how much he cares.

LucyGru · 16/08/2023 03:44

Can you explain to him how his reaction made you feel? Will he be mortified if you point it out?

TiredCatLady · 16/08/2023 03:46

From PP:

”Personally I think it's a huge red flag that you are married after a long relationship and he almost immediately cuts his income and behaves like this. I'd be very wary that he never intends to go back to his better-paid job and plans to rely on you financially.”

This. You’ve been supportive of the hobby, which is now a lifestyle and away/abroad several weeks at a time?! As you’ve said it isn’t a sport, I originally thought this might be something like Scouts until you said he’s given up his job to pursue it. Is this the sort of hobby where he needs to be well insured and do you ever accompany him?

Take the allotment but do your best to ensure your own personal reserves aren’t depleted.

oakleaffy · 16/08/2023 03:55

He sounds a selfish w@nker.

OP, get your allotment. He's worried you will need his help with double digging &c.

DTCM · 16/08/2023 04:09

Not being rude but you maybe tell us what to his activity is??l

Pollywoddles · 16/08/2023 04:10

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 02:44

@Commonhousewitch I am on board with what he's chosen to do - can you elaborate on where in my posts I've suggested I'm not? I want things to be fair, though!

@StartupRepair he does acknowledge the impact on me, yeah. We've discussed all the implications a lot and he's always said that if I have an issue he'll stop. I honestly don't have a problem with it, but I am pissed off that I've been so accommodating and yet as soon as I have something I want to do...

Hmmm but would he stop do we think or is he just saying that?

You’re a better woman than me OP. If my DH had said something like that to me you better believe those lights are going back on.

It’s just bizarre behaviour. Why wouldn’t he support you, why would he think he has the right to veto this? It’s hugely unfair. Of course you can go ahead without his blessing but that’s not really the point is it?

Fraaahnces · 16/08/2023 04:40

I can understand why you’re furious. How dare you have something you love to fill in the void that should be left by his absence when he does this hobby/job? (Jobby?) What a cockwomble.

GG1986 · 16/08/2023 04:44

Booklover40 · 16/08/2023 01:00

Erm..and your response was “and why the fuck do you think you have any right to tell me what to do you selfish wazzocking bellend”?

Right??

This!

DoughnutDreams · 16/08/2023 04:55

So, he said that and you just quietly (meekly?) went to bed?
You haven't asked him why he responded in that way?
To be on here not knowing what he's thinking about it is pretty odd.
Of course you're going to take the allotment if you enjoy it, but it sounds as though this is not the life you agreed to a year ago.

PaminaMozart · 16/08/2023 05:09

Personally I think it's a huge red flag that you are married after a long relationship and he almost immediately cuts his income and behaves like this. I'd be very wary that he never intends to go back to his better-paid job and plans to rely on you financially.

This occurred to me as. I also wonder whether or not both partners brought similar assets the assets to the marriage. Might he be setting himself up as a cocklodger?

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2023 05:14

I don’t really see what his objection can be tbh; and as you didn’t ask him we don’t know! Take your allotment anyway though. Does he usually think he’s the boss like this?

greyhairnomore · 16/08/2023 05:17

I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep until he'd explained who on earth he was talking to.

tiredofthenoise · 16/08/2023 05:24

Oh, he wouldn't have been going straight to sleep after that! How dare he?!

I'd take this as a sign that he may not be who you think he is. It's worth examining the relationship more closely and at the least protecting your own interests, should you ever need to split from him.

AnitaPNesse · 16/08/2023 05:33

OP, why are you cagey about disclosing your husband's hobby, but fine to share your interest in gardening?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2023 05:38

He's a good guy

This expression. Just no. If he thinks he can stop you doing something important to you while he does something (with your support) important to him, he's not. Of course he's not. You can lie to yourself and justify and smooth things over. But he's not.

AtomicWambsgans · 16/08/2023 05:43

Read your post OP and I had a strong feeling your husband went to Flight School and trained to be a pilot as that takes A LOT of commitment, hours of flying required and time needed away from home (and abroad), but I wasn't sure... but then I saw your name: @FieryCrash, haha! Wink

ChocolateCinderToffee · 16/08/2023 06:13

What makes him think he gets to veto your hobby?

I would literally dump a guy for trying to dictate to me like that.